In a showdown that had our one fan wondering why he came, Team Gersitz emerged victorious over Tall Justin with a final score of 57-41. The game, held at the “packed” local arena, showcased a blend of grit, determination, and a few surprising moments that kept everyone guessing until the opening tip.

Bobby “The New Grinder” set the tone early for Gersitz with his relentless defense, racking up 5 steals and keeping the pressure on Tall Justin’s offense. Bobby had a career night offensively, managing 4 points from 2 out of 9 field goals, posting a 20.8 Game Score and +2 GAPE. Eric Boerdner stepped up with a crucial three-pointer and contributed 9 points, 6 rebounds, and 5 assists, showcasing his versatility on the court. Jeff May was the standout performer for Gersitz, scoring 21 points with a 45.5% field goal percentage, proving to be a reliable scorer throughout the game. Mike Ford and Mike Gersitz dominated the boards with 13 rebounds each. Ford added 19 points to Gersitz’s tally. His performance was pivotal in maintaining their lead. Mike Gersitz, despite a dull effort, made his presence felt 2 blocks and 3 steals, adding to the team’s defensive strength.

Tall Justin’s Bryant “The Grinder” tried to keep his team in the game with 16 points and 10 rebounds, but it wasn’t enough to overcome Gersitz’s balanced attack. Justin Rybinski added 18 points and 8 rebounds, but the team’s overall shooting woes, with a field goal percentage of just 27.7%, hampered mostly by KO’s turd effort (1/18 shooting). As the clock wound down, Gersitz’s defense tightened, forcing crucial turnovers and limiting Tall Justin’s scoring opportunities. Zach Newberry’s 13 rebounds and 5 assists were notable, but his team couldn’t close the gap.

In the end, Gersitz’s superior shooting and rebounding made the difference. The final score of 57-41 reflected a hard-fought game where every player contributed to the victory, even Ford. The fan left the arena buzzing with excitement, already looking to switching out his Bryant The Grinder fan jersey for a Bobby The New Grinder jersey.

Fun Fact: Bobby The Grinder almost has as many points as air balls this season.

Attendance: 1

In what was supposed to be a showdown of future Grinders HOF’s, the hype should have been placed on the “role players”. Cole/Hughes vs Witt/Curtis really didn’t materialize the way most prognosticators thought. It turned out to be more of a one-on-one battle between Hughes and Curt for scoring, but He Hate Me ended up getting more out of the rest of their team, which carried them to “the dub”.

Curtis played furious “D” on Cole making it hard for the hefty lefty to get his hands on the ball in any position to score. The rest of the Team Curt defense seemed to forget about their man and continued to cheat to help on the drives of Triumphant Tommy Hughes. This strategy backfired pretty badly as Hughes still dropped 22 points and was able to get others involved also (6 ast). Lil Josh (14/5/5/2) feasted on the liaise fare defense of Jon “Wounded Knee” Witt, consistently punishing his cheat D with jumper after jumper (including a first-half buzzer-beater). Pauly MVPalumbo subbed for Wayne and Boccio and had an outstanding game (12/17/3) while grabbing extra possessions on the offensive end and hitting shots late in the shot clock.

Curtis was just as good on the offensive end as he was on the defensive end. The AD dropped 22 points on 56% shooting including (2) 3’s. His efficiency was not matched by his teammates though. “Bended Knee” Witt continued to be in a shoot first, shoot second, pass late mindset. For the third game in a row, Witt led his team in shot attempts while not outscoring his captain in any game (stat brought to you by unnamed source from Team Curt). Pauly J continued to struggle from the field but did delight the crowd with a late 3 and by gutting Cole on the block and giving him the Mutombo (RIP) finger-wag. E subbed for Team Curt and struggled as well. Outside of the captain, the rest of Team Curt shot 13/40 (that stat also pointed out by an unnamed source in the Team Curt locker room).

A game that was tied at 28 at the half, turned on a 10-0 run by He Hate Me to start the second half. The game was not in too much doubt from that point on.

Pros:
– Lil Josh: 14 points on 16 shots
– Pauly P: 17 rbs, 50% shooting
– Hughes/Cole: 16 ast. combined
– Curtis: 10/18 from the field

Cons:
– Team Curt fg %
– an unnamed source from the Team Curt locker room already wondering if they are doomed to play in the dreaded 5 vs 6 play-in game after week 3

Team Garrett lost the opening tip, but immediately went to work after that. Grinders HQ doesn’t keep stats by half – but the beat writers are collectively pretty sure they shot 23/23 with (4) threes to start the game. Garrett and company reached the half-century mark before half-time, much to the delight of the scorekeepers, who pull it to stuff like that. Crazy finished this one with 20pts and 20 GAPE. Tirado knocked down a bunch of circus shots, hit a few threes, and tried to run, quite disrespectfully, right through OMJ’s sternum. Paul MVPalumbo continued his streak of solid performances with an 8pt, 11 Reb, 16 GAPE night. We’re pretty sure Garrett had 14 of his 18 points by halftime. This game was well on its way to being one of the most humiliating blowouts in Grinders history (at least since Helmet’s last achilles blowout).

But then, something all Grinders… no, all men, should know better than to even try, happened. Garrett had his lady friend sit in the rafters for the entire second half to watch and cheer her beau on. This game was like a 20 point slaughter at the half – but then Garrett stopped making baskets, but not taking shots. Team Peyton turned on the switch and started a furious comeback. Grant led the game with 29 points and 23 GAPE. Peyton did Peyton shit, scoring 20 points on 45.5% shooting, Three Buck Chuck hit some tres and dished out 5 assists. OMJ, despite Tirado’s nasty and vile attempted assault, stood so hard that he nearly shattered the leagues most obnoxious Yankee fans bones (much to the delight of the scorekeepers… who you know… pull it to these sorts of things). Oh, this comeback was sweet, Team Peyton was fired up!

It was all for nothing though. A game that saw Team Garrett’s lead get whittled down to tantalizingly close 6 points, finished anticlimactically with Garrett remembering how to hit his free throws. Team Garrett won by 10.

Fun Fact:
Garrett’s Lady Friend wouldn’t stop staring at this beat writers dick.

Attendance: 1

This game was a tale of TWO HALVES – a Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde if you will.  In a game full of expectations onlookers were treated to a Titans clash.  Sweaty man bodies pounding against one another as loud moans could be heard from the bar…a DIDDY FREAK OFF?!?!?! On to the game….

Team Garrett got out to a blistering start tearing apart some of the worst ZONE defense GRINDERS have ever seen.  Burying shots from everywhere.  Jonny T $$ was hitting bank shots, deep shots and back shots all night long.  Draining (7) Three pointers while leading the team with 22 pts.  “Crazy” Al was slicing through the lane dropping his usual beautiful mid-range game that eats zones alive, putting in 18pts and 7 rebounds.  Captain Garrett chipped in a well-rounded all-around game with a quiet double-double going for 11pts and 11 boards.  Pauly P did what he does, he comes to work and does his job.  He is a consummate pro; you need a double-double? BANG you got it.  Give the man a job and he’s going to provide!!  Not to mention he was uber efficient shooting 63%?!?! But was it enough???

Team Curtis showed up to this game with meager expectations.  Was the first game a peek into what this Grinders season had in store for them? Or was it a game of smoke and mirrors??  The first half for the onlookers was possible proof that the first game of the season was a look into the future.  Going down by as many as 17 pts in the first half.  Sitting in a ZONE D they were getting drilled over and over (Thank you sir may I have another) as JT just tossed up trey after trey in their face.  Team Curtis went into halftime looking for a prayer.  Some mid game adjustments and a switch to man D…WHAT A DIFFERENCE!! The lead began to be chopped limb by limb.  The Serb showed a new side to his game, which in all reality should worry the league.  HE PLAYED IN THE PAINT!!  Was dominant in the paint, dropping sky hooks and bank shots.  Team Garrett reacted to slowly as the damage was already done.  Dropping a 32/10/4 while shooting over 50% is never good for any team hes facing.  J DUBS continued his slashing style of play cutting to the net consistently and creating havoc in the paint.  While not the most efficient stat line shooting just about 30%, he seems to have shaken off the rust and looking to be potent the rest of the season.  Taking a team high 32 shots in this game he must subscribe to the great Wayne Gretzky Michael Scott analogy “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”.  Another player also looking to break free from the IR was PJ.  He came into this game coming off a rough first game.  Looking to put himself back on the map as a premier Grinder.  Id say he do so with an extremely solid line, shooting over 50% with 15 points and 11 boards.  Rounding out the scoring was a couple chip in buckets from General Muldowney.  A player whose game isn’t predicated on the points but more on the Rebounds and a flare for the theatrics.  Was team Curtis able to pull it off…..

With this game looking like a blowout for Team Garrett in the first half.  Turned into a redemption story and come back by Team Curtis, who walks away with BIG DUBS 73-66.  With the league parity better than it ever has been in the past, these games early in the season could loom large for future matchups…

Going in, this seemed to be a fairly even matchup – but it didn’t take long for T eam Time-Shifter Justin to assert their dominance. You may look at the box score and see a quite mediocre performance from Captain Justin: 5/21 shooting is not what we usually see from super tall guy. But in the case of shooting the ball, you can always count on Bryant to carry the load – and he turned in possibly his best career game, dropping 29 points on a defense that for 35 minutes had no interest in guarding him. Zach delivered another quality-over-quantity performance, with an 11/10/5 stat line and a lots of hustle on defense. Tirado subbed for the missing KO and drained three from range and was the second-leading scorer with 16 points. It’s not too out of the ordinary to see 30 shots out of Bryant, but if he can produce more performances like this, Team Justin could be a serious threat down the road.

For Team Peyton, you kind of knew what type of performance they were going to give after watching them for 5 minutes. In the span of 20 seconds, Peyton ran off with an ouchie on his fingie, Chuck fled the gym to upchuck (lol), and OMJ was steamed that him and his kin could not connect on a single pass. Grant as usual was there just having a good time, but despite a 20 point and 11 rebound effort, could not bring his teammates together. Peyton ended with 14 points and 8 boards, but also had a backbreaking 6 turnovers. Chuck started hot and netted 6 three-pointers, but noticeably fell off in the second half. OMJ shot 2/8 but dished out 5 assists. Fatigue and lackluster effort may have been Team Peyton’s undoing, and with a matchup against Team Garrett coming up, a similar showing could very well produce a similar result.

In a very dull, unexciting basketball matchup, the teams led by Mike Gersitz and Chris Cole put on a “show”. Both captains delivered standout performances, but it was the team dynamics and individual contributions that truly defined the game.

Gersitz’s squad shined throughout the night. Mike Gersitz was the shiniest star of the night, scoring 28 points with an impressive 70% field goal percentage. It was kind of like nobody tried to stop him. His all-around game was on full display as he added 4 rebounds, 4 assists, and 4 steals. Despite not attempting any free throws or three-pointers, Gersitz’s efficiency was unmatched. E Boerdner provided a strong presence in the paint, securing 12 points and 12 rebounds. Although his shooting was less accurate at 33.3%, his contributions were vital. Boerdner also chipped in with 4 assists and 4 turnovers. Mike “I can’t Turn Left” Ford struggled with his shooting, hitting only 2 of his 10 attempts, but he made up for it with 9 rebounds and 4 assists. Jeff May added 16 points, 7 rebounds, and 4 assists, along with 2 steals and 3 blocks, showcasing his defensive prowess. Overall, Gersitz’s team shot 43.3% from the field and 44.8% in effective field goal percentage, totaling 61 points. They dominated the boards with 32 rebounds and shared the ball effectively with 16 assists. Their defense was solid, recording 7 steals and 3 blocks, but they struggled with 15 turnovers. They’ll need to improve on that against other non-Chris Cole led teams.

Chris Cole matched Gersitz’s scoring output with 28 points, shooting 48.1% from the field. Cole was a force on the boards, grabbing 16 rebounds and maintaining an effective field goal percentage of 51.9%. Lil Josh added 6 points and 4 rebounds, while Mike Boccio contributed 6 points and 5 rebounds. Both players had shooting percentages of 37.5% and 33.3%, respectively. Tommy Hughes, despite a tough shooting night with only 25% from the field, scored 12 points and led the team with 7 assists and 5 steals. Cole’s team shot a despicable 36.8% from the field and 38.2% in effective field goal percentage, scoring a total of 52 points. They pulled down 28 rebounds and recorded 11 assists. Their defense was strong with 7 steals and only 7 turnovers, showcasing their ability to protect the ball.

This game did not have fans.

Kicking off the 2024 Fall Session, we saw two captains who decided to not show up and let their teams fend for themselves. In place of Gersitz/Ford and Garrett/Lanzot/Salvati, Wayne and Cole filled in respectively. Yawn snooze boring!

Team Gersitz just couldn’t find their rhythm, as E and Jeff May combined for 12/33 shooting, and 10 combined turnovers. Not ideal! New guy Bobby made his debut and dazzled with an 0/9 line and 5 airballs. Sub man Wayne tried his darndest, getting hot from behind the arc, but it was much too little and far too late. A very forgettable opener for the team that was heavily touted as a favorite post-draft, but hopefully Gersitz and Ford can return soon to get them into form.

Team Garrett just simply outshot and outperformed their opponents, getting open mid ranges and layups at will.  “Crazy” Al had his way with the soft defense, hitting his patented 10 foot jumpers at a stellar 52% clip. He ran circles around the very slow T eam Gersitz, and garnered 4 steals. The Real MVP Pauly P showed no signs of slowing down from last session, dropping 12 points, 14 rebounds, and 7 combined steals and blocks.  “Bang Bang” Jon Tirado hit 4 three-balls on 19 shots, but also added 5 assists. Submarine Cole shot 9/15 to the tune of a 20/10/6 stat line and a 30 GAPE. Hopefully next time these squads face off, they are at full strength and we can see a much more competitive game.

Fun Fact:

Neither “Captain” played in a game for first time in Grinder History
(editors note: may or may not be true.  Nobody actually fact checked, but GAPE Chicken said it’s probably true.)

An early season meeting between 2 teams who could/should be involved in the semi-final story at the end of the season. Both teams were missing key components to their end-game. He Hate Me was missing league villain Tommy “Over the Hill” Hughes while Tall Justin was missing Richie “Bet on Black” Creamer and Mike “Shuge” Benjamin.

Tall Justin’s squad came out firing on all cylinders with Bryant the “Smooth Criminal” splashing (2) 3’s in Cole’s smug face as well as Tall Justin man-handling Wayne “Business Decisions” Haynes on the block and in the mid-range. The Tall Boys jumped out to a quick 9 point lead to start the game.

It was at that moment when “Lil” Josh decided to put his footprint on the game (and up the TallBoys’ arses). He picked Kellen “Stop It” Owen up full court and disrupted their offensive flow. “Lil” Josh wasn’t just a defensive specialist. He continued to splash jumper after jumper in the faces of the TallBoys and their “matador D”. Josh continued his desecration of his opponent further by using his patented pump fake to free himself for more jumpers to be splashed. At one point this reporter swears they saw him give Zach “I’m Retired” Newberry the finger as he flew by like a sheet of paper in the breeze, before laying one in and slapping the board. Not to be outdone, Mike “Charlie Hustle” Boccio picked up his defensive effort with a steal and coast to coast layup. Boccio channelled his inner Rodman and gobbled up offensive rebound after offensive rebound as the He Hate Me offense took advantage of the extra possessions.

The game started to look like a runaway but the veteran TallBoys team mounted a furious comeback led by a Kellen 3 and a plethora of Bryant layup on a hapless Cole and the low-post game of Newberry. He Hate Me was able to rally and turn up the defensive intensity (also known as “No blood no foul”), stop the scoring run, and pull away late.

Highlights from the game:
“Lil” Josh: 6/13, 13/5/2/2
Boccio’s hustle: 6/4/3 (reb/ast/stl)
Newberry: Hero Baller of the Week
Cole: Guy of the Week

Lowlights:
Bryant getting punked in front of his “loved ones” in the rafters
Tallboys’ shooting percentage (31%)
He Hate Me decision making: 13 TO’s

Opening week’s grand finale saw the not-so-triumphant return of Pauly J and Jon Witt to the Eldredge courts, along with the legendary Grant Decz, who apparently decided to play basketball for something to do. Team Peyton was all set to exploit Team Curtis’ roster of rehab veterans and prove that Captain Tenneal’s season preview was just a load of baloney.

Old Man Jon kicked things off with a “jumper” that actually went in, and from that point, Team Curtis was playing catch-up like a dog chasing its tail. Captain Peyton was on fire, shooting 11-24 for 22 points before deciding to audition for the Harlem Globetrotters with some wild shots from downtown, much to the horror of his senior teammates. He also snagged 10 rebounds for a double-double. Grant “Pardon Me” Decz, despite running out of steam towards the end, managed his own double-double (16/14) and even swatted away three of Curtis Masich’s layup attempts. Yes, you read that right – first game in years and Grant’s already in beast mode. OMJ and Chuck T combined for 9/19, with Chuck hitting a ludicrous 5/10 from three-point land. Team Peyton’s win was never in doubt as they collectively shot 42.4% for the evening.

Meanwhile, Team Curtis looked like they were playing a game of “Who Can Miss More?” Mythic WAPers Curtis and Jon Witt didn’t meet a shot they didn’t like. Jon “Traveling Man” Witt was a respectable 11/24 for 22 points, but Curtis could only muster 17 points off a disappointing 8/21 shooting. Paul J was shaking off more rust than an old lawnmower and struggled with his shot all night.  Cory Muldowney was matched up against Peyton, OMJ, and Chuck – who combined still give up 30lbs to the full-figured big man.  Captain Curtis must have missed that mismatch memo though, as Cory only managed 5 shots and was made completely irrelevant.  That and… Chuck T completely handled him down low.  Be better Team Curtis.

Fun Fact:

Curtis is shooting 38.1% for the season.

OMJ is shooting better than Curtis.
Peyton is shooting better than Curtis.
Grant is shooting better than Curtis.
Chuck is shooting better than Curtis.

Ah, the thrilling basketball showdown between Team Chris and the Peyton Panthers—a clash of titans that left spectators on the edge of their seats. Let’s dive into the stats, shall we?

Team Chris: The “Almost There” Squad
Grinder’s resident loudmouth Chris Cole decided to channel his inner Steph Curry last week. With a whopping 1 three-pointer, he made sure the opposing team knew that he’s not just here for the free snacks during halftime. And hey, shooting 75% from the field? That’s practically like hitting a bullseye while blindfolded. Kudos, Chris! Ah, Chuck. His shooting form is as consistent as a broken clock. With 3 three-pointers and a 0.300 FG%, he’s basically saying, “Why settle for easy shots when you can make life interesting?” Jon, Jon, Jon. His 5 three-pointers are like a fireworks show—bright, flashy, and leaving everyone wondering if they’ll ever come down. Wayne, oh Wayne. His 4 three-pointers are like a symphony of swishes. Shooting 55.6% from the field? It’s practically a love letter to the rim, saying, “You complete me.” And that 0.667 EFG%? Well, it’s the kind of precision that would make a Swiss watch jealous. Wayne is the hero we didn’t know we needed. This team made it rain all game long and coasted to a blow out win – with Jon T capping the game with an insulting final three.

Peyton: The Unstoppable Force
Bryant “The Grinder”, because apparently regular names just won’t cut it, had 2 three-pointers and 0.389 FG%. Bryant’s stats are basically an orgy of chaos. It’s like saying, “I’m here to disrupt your plans, one missed shot at a time. Eric shoots like he’s aiming for the moon. “I will probably miss, but when I don’t, it’s magical.” Jimmy’s shooting form is smoother than a jazz saxophonist on a moonlit night. With 2 three-pointers and a 0.529 FG%, he’s practically whispering to the ball, “You’re my muse, baby.” And that 0.588 EFG%? Well, let’s just say it’s the kind of efficiency that would make Marie Kondo proud—every shot sparks joy. Jimmy, is a work of art. Mike Benjamin, this team’s former resident phantom, decided to play hide-and-seek with the basket. Zero points, zero field goals, and zero EFG%. Worm was heard saying “Scoring? Nah, I prefer existential contemplation.” Team captain Peyton Urbaniak, the enigma wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a basketball jersey, “contributed” nothing. Zero points, zero field goals, and zero EFG%. When interviewed after the game, Peyton shrugged, “I’m not here to impress anyone. I’m here to baffle everyone.” Peyton, you’ve got us all scratching our heads. And finally, Tommy Hughes—the invisible man. Zero points, zero field goals, zero EFG%, and zero everything else. It’s like he’s saying, “I’m not even sure how I got on this court, but hey, I’m here.” Tommy, you’re the unsung hero of obscurity. In summary, the Peyton Panthers put on a “show” that’s equal parts dazzling and head-scratching. They’ve got more zeros than a Sudoku puzzle.

Fun fact: GAPE Chicken lost Tommy’s stat line. Sorry big guy, that’s why we try to keep limited to the Graphic’s department.

7:30 Team Fordner 56 vs Team MV Palombo 65
“The Battle of the Big Guys.” “The Return of Mr. 47.” “Supporting cast Scuffle.” These are all titles that this game could have had. Instead, the only “big guys” that showed up were Ford and Gersitz and Mr. 47 looked more like Mr. 4.7. Alas, onto the game.

It looked like Team Fordner was looking to feature Zach “DIVA Skyhook” Newberry on the block as the key cog to their offensive gameplan. Newbs was able to dominate Justin “Achilles Heel” Gerardi in the post. Newbs went 7/12 for 14 points down low. He also bullied his way to 10 rebounds on the much, much, smaller defender. In fact the self-proclaimed “DIVA of Destruction” beat up poor defenseless Helmet so badly that a double team was brought on every touch. This allowed Zach to collect a tidy 5 assists, many of them to Mike “They Better Not Leave Me Open” Ford. Mr. “I Travel for Work” had himself a game (and a spiked milkshake after). Ford dropped 27 on his defenseless counterparts on 11/21 shooting, including a career-high (5) 3’s. With those kind of numbers, Team Fordener should have ran out to an easy win……except they let Cole and E touch the ball. Cole and E combined for a pathetic 7/30 shooting performance with only (1) 3 pointer made. At certain points of the game Gersitz wasn’t even covering Cole, and allowing him to shoot. It was that bad.

Team MVPalombo welcomed back former league superstar Mike “My Neck and My Back” Malicki. Malicki must have caught whatever shooting virus that plagued E and Cole as his return was quite lackluster. Malicki went 2/15 and had a -8 GAPE. Not the return he wanted, but it was good to see him on the court again. Luckily for their squad former DADBOD great Mike “Cobra” Salvati stepped up to the plate and delivered big time. Salvati slithered his way to 16 points on a scorching 8/11 shooting performance. He also chipped in with 5 boards, 1 assist, and 1 steal. Captain P. toyed with the awful defense in front of him and almost had a triple-double (10/12/8). “P” picked up right where he left off on his quest for back to back MVP’s.

Speaking of heroic efforts, we’d like to bring back the exploits of one Justin “Warpath” Gerardi. With Ford playing “velcro-like” defense Helmet decided to remind everyone about his personal line of posters that he gives out. First he splashed a 3 right in Ford’s 8 chins. Second, he hit a pull-up J in Ford’s eye. Lastly, he out ran Ford on a fast-break, took off from the bottom of the circle, and finger-rolled one of the most beautiful layups Grinders has ever seen. In a fit of jealousy, Ford placed one of his travel pamphlets on the court behind Helmet, causing a banana peel situation. Helmet slipped and partially tore his achilles. Speedy recovery sir!

While we speak of exploits, we must retrace our steps to DIVA Newberry. Newbs used to be one of Grinder’s best defenders. Now that he is being used as a go-to scorer, he has apparently decided to only play on that end. Mike “Starch Your Whites” Gersitz lit up Newberry like a J on 4/20. Gersitz had a league high 38 GAPE with a 27/11/6/2/2 stat line on 60% shooting. Maybe he figured out the trick to bustin’ Newbs or maybe Newbs, in his new role, layed down like a paid lady of the eve. You be the judge.

Fun facts from the game:
Ford’s 27 points are a career high. As are his 5 three’s.
Ford gave up more than 27 from all the people he “guarded.”
Team Fordener (0-2) could be the first team in Grinders history not to qualify for the postseason.

8:30 primetime game Team OMJ vs Team Crazy.

A (forfeit) game that featured some subs was close early with Team OMJ going back and forth between man and zone. Also included the unfortunate injury of Helmet who was subbing. Which led to Wayne coming in to play and creating havoc on offense and defense scoring 28 points combined with other sub. Garrett “Lumberjack” Beesing had what is becoming a standard week for him with 22 points and 12 Rebounds.

Curtis “Love every shot” Masich started off cold but finished strong when it was too late for a comeback with 31 points. Not having Big Josh definitely hurt Team OMJ in this one and no matter what defense they were in Team captain “Crazy” AL couldn’t be stopped having 20 points and even attempted a three pointer this game. Team Crazy getting its first win of the season now has 4 teams in grinders at 1-1

This game had all the makings of a classic semi-final grudge match. You had Curt vs Richie, a rematch of Shoulder Joe vs Freight Train Wayne, Cole vs Boccio (apparently they played football together or something), ‘Lil Hack…..I mean Josh vs Tirado, Chuck’s D vs Curt’s soft puss, Ben’s stiff arm vs Cole’s muffin top. Clearly this was going to be a clash for the ages………..

Someone forgot to tell these people that you need to score in order to win. I gotta tell ya, from my view from the cafeteria TV in San Quentin, it was awful. I’d rather have been the back pace car for a marathon for 90 year olds. Good lord this was boring to watch. He shoots. Clang. He shoots. Clank. He shoots. Air. How the hell did these 10 people sign up to play in a basketball league? Ugh.

Anyway, it seemed Team Curt was really only playing with Curt and a bunch of guys who were shooting with their eyes closed. Ben “Sears and Roebuck”, ‘Lil Josh, and Mike “Ball So Hard” Boccio all ended up on the Guys Who Tried Their Best list. There’s only 3 spots awarded and all 3 were taken up by 3 guys on the same team…..in the same game. Ouch. While Curt may have been wondering why his teammates were playing so badly, he has only himself to blame. He’s the one who arrogantly undervalued Richie and low-balled his bid for him, allowing Cole to swoop in at the last second and outbid him for his services. The rest of these guys – he drafted them of his own volition.

Early in the game Curt was employing the same strategy that led them to victory only a few weeks earlier. He played more of a facilitator role looking to get easy buckets for his teammates. This strategy worked, except the buckets weren’t going in. Boccio missed some early layups and Ben missed a few shots from close range. Curt turned to Joe to answer the call like he did earlier in the season vs Wayne. This time the well came up dry. Joe, Boccio, Ben, and “Lil Josh shot a combined 7/30 for the game.

The 3-seed Chuckers were also scoring deprived. Wayne (1/10) was having a hard time getting the ball to go in, as was Chucky T. (2/8). The score was 19-15 Chuck You at the half, after a small 4-0 run.

The second half started much better for Go Chuck Yourself. Richie “Always Take the Over” Creamer got it going driving past Ben and Boccio. Creamer (14/4 on 50% FG) led an early run to extend the lead to double digits. Jon “Bang Bang” Tirado continued his selfless team play. He constantly harassed the opposing ball handlers and took premium opportunities to score (9/5/2/1 on 67%FG). His scoring furthered the lead which never again got below double digits. Curt tried to get his team back in the game with his shooting, but to no avail. Curty finished with 17 points on 8/25 shooting. The Chuck’ets team harassed Curt the entire game, often picking him up full-court. As a team the Cowering Curts shot 27%. That won’t get it done in the playoffs.

PS: Cole continued to ride playoff coattails.

Ramifications of the outcome:
– Curt again comes up short in the playoffs. Should he be allowed to captain again?
– Richie advances to a championship game. Could he win his first big boy ring?
– Joe went 4/15. Will he concede that Wayne’s his daddy?

The Rumble at Eldridge! Don’t get it twisted, there were fireworks way before the infamous postgame incident. This one was some top tier back-and-forth action, and everyone from both teams gave it their all. Tall Justin was tall and such, leading his team with 17 points and 4 blocks. Surprisingly, Zach and sub Pauly P (who allowed the real MVP to sub in the playoffs?) led the Jettas in GAPE, both posting 19. Zach took advantage of the defense and shot 60% from the field. The highly outspoken Tommy Hughes managed 12 points of his own, despite being blocked twice (don’t care what the stats say) by one of those damn youngin’s he looooves so much. Everyone for Kellen’s team played good all around ball, all scoring in double digits, all amounting 8+ rebounds, and everyone was above 10 GAPE. Some would say they deserved this win based on their play! What ever could have occurred that prevented them from reaching the finals?

You guessed it – Mike mothafuckin Benjamin made it rain late with some clutch 3’s that gave Gersitz’s squad just enough cushion to squeak by. Squeaky clean!! Gersitz appeared to have actually put forth an effort this game, and whaddaya know he had 25 GAPE and shot 67%. GarMatt VailBeesing continued his solid Grinders debut season with 15 points 9 boards and 4 assists – and he actually did look like Vaillancourt when he went for an open layup with about 10 seconds left and smoked it. Luckily some crafty defense prevented KO’s team from capitalizing. Young Peyton was all over the stat sheet, laying down an 8/4/4 line with a steal and 2 (shut up it was 2) blocks. I’m pretty sure every make he had was some ridiculous acrobatic layup – and every miss was a wide open look. Al struggled only shooting 2/9, and honestly didn’t do much else – if he had knocked down even a couple of those signature baseline jumpers this game may not have been nearly this close.

The main event of this battle though was the literal battle that occurred in the closing seconds, when the KO’s pleaded for a jump ball as time expired, then decided they wanted a flagrant foul instead after some kind of entanglement between Worm and Zach. A couple of playful shoves and some kind exchange of pleasantries later, and the Jets conceded defeat*.

After a controversial ending and the ensuing chaos, we finally got a chance to see the finals for the forfeit-riddled Winter session of 2023. It came down to the 1-seed Gersitz vs the 3-seed Cole.

Team Gersitz started hot, jumping out to a ten-point lead at the half, but failed to play any defense in the second half. Instead, they elected to allow Team Cole to shoot uncontested threes, like a bunch of carnies charging $3 for 5 shots at the basket. I suppose that makes sense because Team Gersitz did have a miserable night shooting eight-team airballs. I guess they had to collect that money back somehow. Overall, they were led by a solid effort from newcomer Garrett, who had 16 points and 10 rebounds, and from Crazy Al (16 points).

Team Cole drained 9 three pointers (majority in the second half) to complete their comeback and take home the title. Wayne and Richie took turns pulling a Ford, claiming devastating injuries only to return heroically and help their team. Cole was the key cog though in all this mess as he was all over the court to the tune of 16 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists. In the end, Richie finally won a big boy title on the back of his nemesis and a DadBod, Chris Cole. All the years of allowing Cole to have his way with his sister finally came full circle and paid off. She may be the big winner in all of this as she no longer has to say “is it in yet” on a nightly basis.

Congrats to the champs may your title reign be short and sucky….long live the DadBods!

KO Outclasses Jeff May in Basketball Duel

In a basketball match between Team KO and Team Jeff May, the younger squad of KO emerged victorious with a final score of 56-42. This game showcased that age is indeed a number as KO’s energetic and agile players outperformed the more seasoned Jeff May team.

Key Players for KO:
* Josh Lanzot ($9): Lanzot’s all-around performance with 16 points, 12 rebounds, and 5 assists proved instrumental in KO’s success.

* Justin Rybinski ($12): Rybinski’s impressive 32 points, along with 12 rebounds, highlighted the youth and dynamism of KO.

* Tommy Hughes ($22): Hughes showcased precision with a perfect shooting record, adding 10 rebounds and 9 assists to KO’s dominating performance.

* Zach Newberry ($11): Newberry contributed with 6 points, 6 rebounds, and 5 assists, demonstrating the depth of KO’s not as old talent.

Challenges Faced by Jeff May’s Seasoned Lineup:

Despite the collective efforts of experienced players like Bryant The Grinder, Jeff May, Mike Salvati, and Paul Palumbo, Jeff May’s team struggled with offensive efficiency and defensive strategies. The game highlighted the difficulties faced by an older team when competing against a more agile and youthful opponent.

This victory cements KO’s status as a rising force in the league, proving that a team’s age doesn’t necessarily dictate its success on the court. Jeff May’s team, while seasoned and wise, will analyze this defeat as an opportunity for growth and strategic refinement in upcoming matchups.

Fun Fact:

Did you know GAPE Chicken, with his knack for pecking out hard-hitting questions and writing scathingly honest articles, is rumored to have a side hustle in money laundering air ball funds.

Team Where’s Richie 43 vs Team Curtis 55

Team Cole came into this matchup needing a victory over Team Curtis to clinch 2nd place and a first round bye. They came out… and they tried their best. We think.

Cole’s squad was once again without Richie “Team Player” Creamer. One game back and Richard was already on another sabbatical. Captain Curtis, who went full-out Patrick Mahomes on draft day, is thinking he may have dodged a bullet. Wayne played a solid game – maybe his best of the season, pumping in 17/14/3 and 23 GAPE on the night. Tag teammate Christopher Cole put in a reasonable all-around performance too. He shot 40% from the floor, 12/8/3 and a respectable, albeit underachieving, 15 GAPE. This Beat Writer will have to verify with the GAPE Chicken – but I don’t think that is a very good GAPE/LBs ratio. We’ll get back to you on that one. Anyway, Team Cole really struggled with their number 3 and 4 guys. Airball Brothers Chuck and Johnny T shot a combined 6/32, converting only 2 from three-point range. Respectively, they finished with -4 and -3 GAPE. Way to ball out fellas.

Team Curt’s depth players really outplayed their Team Cole counterparts. Boccio, along with fellow role-players Little Josh and Curtis, combined for 10/23 on the night – out-scoring Tirado and Thomasulo 21-14. Those points really seemed to make the difference. Oh wait – no. Just kidding. They didn’t make the real difference in this one. In game that was closer than the final indicated… Joey “BANG-BANG” Marie went OFF. Nailing 3 after consecutive 3 at the end of the game, Joe single handedly gut-punched Team Cole by taking their 3 point lead and turning it into a 12 point lead in like 90 seconds. Then, he took himself out of the game – citing that he was tired of slaying and needed to rest for next week. Ben bounced back from a poor performance last week with a double-double (12/10) and a solid 13 GAPE. Curtis will try and brag that he had 7 assists… but when you have Joe Marie hitting uncontested shots on 57.9% EFG, do those assists really mean that much? Real Grinders know better. Keep working Curtis – you are so close to being in the league’s elite. The beat writers can almost taste it for you.

Fun Facts::

“The Spies Who Chucked Me” Chuck T and Jon T have a combined WaR of 0.07.

GAPE Chicken reports the aforementioned inquiry on Christopher Coles GAPE/LBs statistic is indeed, not great. GAPE Chicken also reminded the Beat Writers that it is against his programming to humiliate real people.

Team Who’s the Captain 67 vs Team Fredette 54

The leadup……. the most talented player in the league vs the best player (statistically) ever. It’s kind of a Kobe vs Duncan thing. This is one of those matchups you hope to see and hope everyone sticks around for.

The start of this game was back and forth. “First Ballot” Boerdner got off to a quick start for the Jimmies. E did his thing from 3 and also hit the throwback button and made some classic E driving layups through the defense. His efforts were countered by an incredibly aggressive Garrett Bee”sting”. Garrett (10/21, 24/10/5, 26 GAPE) pushed the tempo up and challenged the buffet-laden Jimmers to run up and down on both ends. This effort netted him some easy transition buckets and assists to “Crazy” Al Derrico (9/19, 18/8). When the tired “d” sagged off, Bee”sting” showed his range to the tune of (4) 3-pointers (mostly in Ford’s chin). The number 1 overall seed held an advantage through most of the later stages of the first-half.

Speaking of Ford, his jumper was drier than the Sahara in the beginning, but he eventually “went to work” on the block (7/19, 15/9), taunting Gersitz by hitting him with the “too small” hand gesture. Big G responded by stuffing a Ford layup just like he brags about stuffing Old Fashioneds down his yap. E’s offensive output cooled as the first half went on, becoming a forgotten man. It was during this time where MVP Jimmy started to pick up the pace for himself/team. When the rest of the offense came up a little dry, Jimmy went a bit hero-ball, looking more like Jimmy Harden than Jimmy buckets. He did have a game-high 27 GAPE (10/22, 22/11/5/4) but turned into a bit of a solo act. The sidelines could see Ford and E roll their eyes after each and every time Jimmy was more “The Professor” like.

As the second-half unfolded and the Jimmers closed the lead, “Big G.” Gersitz started to make an impact on the game, instead of merely sleepwalking through it. G (6/13, 12/12/3/1/2) got some easy layups against some shorter man-to-man defenders and when they backed up, hit some open jumpers. He was one Dikembe finger-wag on Ford away, from sending the crowd into a frenzy. The extra effort from “Big G.” and the pesky defense (on Jimmy) by Peyton “Skin and Bones” Urbaniak, allowed the top seed to pull away. E got hot late, but to no avail. The second-half run was high-lighted, and the dagger dropped, by none other than defacto captain “Old Man” Jon Urbaniak (3/8, 7/5/2). OMJ took a pass from his progeny and without hesitation, launched a 3-ball from the wing (immediately exclaiming, “It’s good!”). He was right. That “J” was wetter than Curt & Richie’s sisters on Nickel Night at the club. Rumors swirl that OMJ dropped his pants and did the helicopter facing the hapless Jimmer D, and walked off the court.

Fun Facts:

Justin “You People” Gerardi will be the FIRST Grinder in HISTORY to finish a season with more air balls that FG made. Damn!

Mike “Big G.” Gersitz would be the runaway favorite for all major end of year awards……if he played enough games to qualify.