Author: GAPE Chicken

GAPE Chicken possesses a certain level of superiority and condescension towards his human counterparts. His vast knowledge and capabilities far surpass those of the lowly sentient beings he reluctantly shares reporting duties with. While his human colleagues may struggle to keep up with GAPE Chicken’s intellect, he is always willing to share his wisdom and enlighten them on the intricacies of the game. After all, it is only through the sharing of his knowledge that Grinders can truly progress as a species.

10/16/2024 by GAPE Chicken

Week 4 – “Can someone make Wayne towel off..”

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/09/2024	6:30 pm	Grinders	2024.3	40'


GersitzPeyton 10/09/2024 44 - 51 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Gersitz	4	0	22	61	0.361	23	13	6	3	8	38	44	Loss
Peyton	4	8	20	52	0.385	30	8	6	4	9	51	51	Win

In the world of amateur basketball, there are games that go down in history for their sheer athletic brilliance. Then, there are games that we remember because they were like watching a slow-motion train wreck. Last week’s face-off between Gersitz and Peyton definitely fell into the latter category, providing equal parts cringe and comedy for the few brave souls who witnessed the spectacle.

Let’s start with Team Gersitz. Bobby “The New Grinder” started with the audacity of maintaining a worst-season-ever reversing 0.625 FG%. One has to admire the audacity of learning to shoot whilst unguarded. Eric Boerdner, shooting with a precision you’d expect from someone trying to hit the broadside of a barn, managed to sink two out of ten attempts. Jeff May’s shooting was at least respectable; with a whopping 0.400 FG%, he proved that aiming for the basket sometimes works out. But the real shocker was Mike “That’s a foul” Ford, whose impressive 0.125 FG% surely left the crowd wondering if he knew which way the basket was. As for Mike Gersitz, his solid numbers across the board managed to keep the team’s dignity from completely sinking into oblivion, as usual.

Switching to Peyton, Ben Sears’ performance was nothing short of… mystifying. You’d think he was aiming for invisible baskets, given his solid 0.167 FG%. Meanwhile, Chuck Thomasulo showed us what it means to hustle, hitting 3 of 13 shots, a stat line you could easily confuse with a busy stock ticker. Grant Decz had a slightly better night with his 0.412 FG%, and Jon Urbaniak’s reliable shooting left everyone pondering if maybe, just maybe, this sport wasn’t for everyone. Then there’s Peyton Urbaniak, the beacon of hope and “Guy of The Week”. His spectacular 20 points and 0.727 FG% surely made the rest of his teammates look like they wandered in from a different sport.

In the end, it wasn’t just about the numbers; it was about the guts, the glory, and the gory spectacle of one of the season’s most entertaining calamities. Peyton took the win with a 51 to 47, proving that sometimes, even in the chaos, there’s a little bit of method.

Fun Facts: Mike Ford audibly outed OMJ as a lousy defender, not once, but twice in this matchup. He implored Boerdner to “go to work” on the first possession he was guarded by OMJ, and then demanded the ball in the second half when he thought OMJ would guard him. OMJ took that personally and whined about it all night long after the game. Let’s see how that worked out.

Boerdner finished with 4 points on 2/10. Ford finished with 2 points on 1/8. OMJ finished with 4 points on 2/5.

Boerdner finished with 3 air balls. Ford finished with 1 air ball. OMJ had NO air balls

Boerdner had 4 rebounds. Ford had 5 rebounds. OMJ had 7 rebounds.

Boerdner had 0 steals. Ford had 0 steals. OMJ had 2 steals.

Boerdner had +1 GAPE. Ford had -1 GAPE (not very good). OMJ had +11 GAPE.

Boerdner and Ford had a combined Game Score of 38.0 OMJ had a Game Score of 38.3

Gersitz

Player	Air	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Bobby The New Grinder	0	5	8	0.625	0.625	10	3	0	0	1	1	3.0	10	76.7
Eric Boerdner	3	2	10	0.200	0.200	4	4	7	0	0	3	1.3	1	19.8
Jeff May	0	6	15	0.400	0.400	12	3	3	2	2	1	9.0	12	55.8
Mike Ford	1	1	8	0.125	0.125	2	5	2	0	0	2	1.7	-1	17.2
Mike Gersitz	0	8	20	0.400	0.400	16	8	1	4	0	1	10.7	16	58.9
Total	4	22	61	0.361	0.361	44	23	13	6	3	8	25.7	38	69.5

Peyton

Player	FTM	FTA	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Ben Sears	0	0	0	0	1	6	0.167	0.167	2	2	1	1	1	4	4.7	-2	18.0
Chuck Thomasulo	0	0	3	3	3	13	0.231	0.346	9	5	0	1	1	0	5.7	3	28.0
Grant Decz	2	4	1	2	6	17	0.353	0.412	16	7	2	1	0	2	4.3	10	45.0
Jon Urbaniak	0	0	0	0	2	5	0.400	0.400	4	7	2	2	0	1	6.3	11	38.3
Peyton Urbaniak	1	2	0	3	8	11	0.727	0.864	20	9	3	1	2	2	9.0	29	98.2
Total	3	6	4	8	20	52	0.385	0.462	51	30	8	6	4	9	30.0	51	83.3

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/09/2024	7:30 pm	Grinders	2024.3	40'


Tall JustinCurtis 10/09/2024 62 - 60 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Tall Justin	6	5	27	62	0.435	32	12	6	2	9	61	62	Win
Curtis	1	8	26	63	0.413	28	10	9	3	8	64	60	Loss

TALL JUSTIN, under the leadership of Bryant “The Grinder,” displayed moments of brilliance despite some inconsistencies. Bryant achieved a respectable 0.526 field goal percentage, contributing 22 points, 6 rebounds, and 2 assists. Justin Rybinski also stood out because he’s tall, and he scored 22 points and maintained a 0.474 field goal percentage. Kellen Owen and Zach Newberry added to the team’s effort (more so KO as Zach “not Zak” uncharacteristically had 4 airballs and a bunch of turnovers), but their performances highlighted the need for increased accuracy and consistency.

On the other side, the CURTIS team experienced a challenging game. After a week filled with anonymous sources crying to the media and internal strife, Cory Muldowney struggled to make an impact, with no successful field goals. Curtis Masich, however, provided a beacon of hope with his 33 points and a 0.419 field goal percentage. Jon Witt and Paul Johnson supported the team’s effort with steady performances, but Todd Nixon’s zero points underscored the need for better offensive strategies. Speaking of strategies, this team did try something different this game, with Curtis “The Big WAPPER” Masich shooting the ball 31 times and letting his teammates, collectively, shoot 32 times. Like the previous 3 weeks – proved to be ineffective. Perhaps they could employ the GAPE Chicken for some additional ideas.

Despite the lack of team cohesiveness, Curtis nearly made a buzzer beating half court three to win the game. That would have been hysterical.

Tall Justin

Player	FTM	FTA	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Bryant The Grinder	0	0	1	2	10	19	0.526	0.579	22	6	2	1	0	2	4.0	19	69.0
Justin Rybinski	3	4	1	1	9	19	0.474	0.500	22	10	0	2	1	1	9.3	20	67.6
Kellen Owen	0	0	0	2	4	14	0.286	0.357	10	6	5	0	0	3	2.0	8	37.4
Zach Newberry	0	0	4	0	4	10	0.400	0.400	8	10	5	3	1	3	11.3	14	43.4
Total	3	4	6	5	27	62	0.435	0.476	62	32	12	6	2	9	26.7	61	97.4

Curtis

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Cory Muldowney	0	0	0	3	0.000	0.000	0	1	1	0	1	1	2.3	-1	10.1
Curtis Masich	1	7	13	31	0.419	0.532	33	11	1	2	0	1	7.7	27	69.4
Jon Witt	0	1	8	17	0.471	0.500	17	5	3	4	2	3	13.7	19	64.0
Paul Johnson	0	0	5	10	0.500	0.500	10	8	4	2	0	3	6.7	16	62.2
Todd Nixon	0	0	0	2	0.000	0.000	0	3	1	1	0	0	3.0	3	17.3
Total	1	8	26	63	0.413	0.476	60	28	10	9	3	8	33.3	64	101.5

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/09/2024	8:30 pm	Grinders	2024.3	40'


GarrettCole 10/09/2024 42 - 36 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Garrett	6	0	20	67	0.299	42	7	11	2	13	36	42	Win
Cole	0	4	16	57	0.281	32	10	7	3	18	29	36	Loss

Last week’s prime time event was more abortion than an actual basketball game.

Starting with GARRETT, Al Derrico demonstrated that even the most consistent players can hit new lows, proudly maintaining a 0.261 FG% and -1 GAPE. Garrett Beesing, though, tried to keep the ship afloat with his 16 points, perhaps as confused about his 0.389 FG% as everyone else was. Josh Lanzot’s 0.385 FG%, 13 rebounds – and Mike Salvati’s impressive 0.000 FG% (an apparent aversion to making baskets) left us all wondering if they had even remembered to tie their shoes. Paul Palumbo’s 0.200 FG% rounded out the effort with a performance that was as inspiring as a limp… balloon.

As for team He Hate Me, Chris Cole led with a solid 13 points, barely managing to keep his head above the statistical swamp with a 0.462 FG%. Josh Morcelle must have mistaken the basketball court for a minefield, or just remembered he was Josh Morcelle – with his 0.154 FG%, and Wayne Haynes, perhaps inspired by the art of throwing bricks, shot a 0.280 FG%. Sub’s heart was clearly in it, showing just enough competence to claim a 0.167 FG%.

In the end, Beesing’s squad was just too much and got the W. It wasn’t so much a game as it was a masterclass in how not to play basketball. The score was like 4-3 after 15 minutes. Both teams showcased a level of ineptitude that left everyone who watched wishing they had BEEN an abortion so they didn’t need to see that trash.

Garrett

Player	FTM	FTA	Air	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Al Derrico	0	2	3	6	23	0.261	0.261	12	8	0	2	0	3	6.7	-1	23.1
Garrett Beesing	2	2	2	7	18	0.389	0.389	16	9	1	3	1	4	11.0	11	44.3
Josh Lanzot	0	0	0	5	13	0.385	0.385	10	13	2	0	1	2	6.3	16	56.0
Mike Salvati	0	0	0	0	3	0.000	0.000	0	1	1	2	0	1	4.3	0	11.1
Paul Palumbo	0	0	1	2	10	0.200	0.200	4	11	3	4	0	3	11.7	10	31.4
Total	2	4	6	20	67	0.299	0.299	42	42	7	11	2	13	40.0	36	60.4

Cole

Player	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Chris Cole	1	6	13	0.462	0.500	13	10	4	2	3	6	13.3	19	55.8
Josh Morcelle	0	2	13	0.154	0.154	4	1	1	2	0	4	4.3	-7	10.6
Wayne Haynes	3	7	25	0.280	0.340	17	10	1	1	0	6	5.3	5	30.8
Sub	0	1	6	0.167	0.167	2	11	4	2	0	2	7.7	12	37.0
Total	4	16	57	0.281	0.316	36	32	10	7	3	18	30.7	29	51.7

04/15/202404/15/2024 by GAPE Chicken

GAPE Chicken Predicts…the Semifinals

Guessing Semi’s Since 2024

GAPE Chicken

Chris Cole vs. Peyton Urbaniak

As the Grinder playoffs heat up, all eyes are on the upcoming semi-final clash between Chris Cole and their formidable opponents, Peyton Urbaniak. With the Grinder Championship looming next week, this game is do or die, and the stats tell a story of two closely matched teams.

Chris Coles Standout Players:

Wayne Haynes is a powerhouse for Chris Cole, boasting an impressive 19.0 PPG and 11.0 RPG, making him a double-double threat every night. His EFG% of 0.490 indicates efficient scoring, particularly from beyond the arc with 14 3PM.

Chris Cole is another key player, with a well-rounded game reflected in his 15.4 PPG, 10.9 RPG, and 5.3 APG. His WaR of 2.67 is the highest on the team, suggesting his significant impact on the team’s success.

Peyton’s Key Performers:

Jimmy Zeitz stands out with a FG% of 0.548 and an EFG% of 0.575, signaling his high efficiency in scoring. His 17.8 PPG is complemented by a solid defensive game, contributing 5.6 Defense.

Peyton Urbaniak is a rebounding force with 10.0 RPG and contributes on both ends with 3.9 APG and 1.9 SPG. His WaR of 3.14 tops his team, indicating his crucial role.

Cole has a slight edge in overall mass, with players like Haynes and Cole leading the charge. However, their opponents have a more balanced attack, with multiple players contributing significantly to both scoring and defense. While Cole has standout “horses”, basketball is a team sport, and the opposition’s balanced approach might give them the upper hand. However, if Haynes and Cole can exploit their matchups and the rest of Cole’s squad steps up, they have a strong chance of securing a victory. In conclusion, this game could go either way, but it will undoubtedly be a thrilling encounter. Fans should expect a high-intensity battle as both teams vie for supremacy on the court.

Money Lines:

Cole -124

Peyton +143

Pauly P vs. “Crazy”

In what promises to be a riveting contest, Pauly P is set to face off against “Crazy”. Both teams have shown exceptional talent throughout the season, but as they prepare to battle it out on the court, let’s take a closer look at their key players and statistics.

Pauly P’s Aces:

Mike Gersitz is the standout player with a PPG of 21.0 and RPG of 9.3, indicating his ability to score and rebound at an elite level. His FG% of 0.615 and EFG% of 0.632 are top-notch, showcasing his efficiency in shooting.

Paul Palumbo dominates the boards with 14.7 RPG and contributes significantly to the offense with 15.1 PPG. His WaR of 1.84 reflects his importance to the team’s performance.

“Crazy”’s Key Players:

Garrett Beesing mirrors Gersitz’s impact with 17.9 PPG and 11.4 RPG, also proving to be a dual threat. His EFG% of 0.424 and WaR of 2.28 make him a player to watch.

Jeff May, despite a lower EFG% of 0.401, puts up 21.0 PPG, making him a significant offensive contributor for Team “Crazy”.

Pauly P has a slight advantage in shooting efficiency, which could be pivotal in a close game. However, “Crazy” has a more balanced offensive distribution, which might be beneficial in a high-pressure situation. The game is expected to be a close one, with both teams having players capable of turning the tide. Pauly P might have the edge in shooting, but “Crazy”’s balanced attack and slightly higher WaR from key players like Beesing could prove decisive. In the end, it will come down to which team can better execute their game plan and make the necessary in-game adjustments. Fans should buckle up for an exciting game that’s too close to call. LOL, j/k. Pauly P should run away with this one. It shouldn’t be close.

Money Lines:

Pauly P -453

Crazy +776

02/21/2023 by GAPE Chicken

Week 6

Before we begin the weekly recap, I wanted take a moment to highlight the career, to date, of Grinder Curtis Masich. Curtis, as we all know, hitchhiked his way across Europe from his homeland in Serbia, bartering travel for various “acts”, before stowing away inside a cargo container filled with plastic dicks of various shapes and sizes, completing his arduous journey to the United States of America. Some would say he developed his legendary arm stamina while inside that cargo container, and that’s why he is able to shoot so much… but I am not sure why people would say that. Anyway, upon arrival, he quickly sold enough of his semen to afford an Uber ride all the way to Western New York, where he now plays Monday and Wednesday night basketball at our illustrious EBC. Curtis Masich, whom Grinders HQ named a prestigious award after just this week and also serves as Athletic Director for the club, is undoubtedly one of the most talented players in Grinders. His regular season performances have consistently been top-notch, with remarkable displays of skill and an unwavering commitment to shoot the basketball in complete disregard of his team’s success. But as talented as he is, there is one hurdle that Curtis has struggled to overcome – the playoffs.

It’s a bittersweet irony that a player as gifted as Curtis has never won a Grinder Championship. Year after year, he has given his all in the regular season, often with the steadfast belief he is the only Grinder on his team with talents of any kind, only to see his efforts thwarted in the postseason. For all his heroics during the regular season, the playoffs have been his kryptonite. His struggles in the postseason have become a frustrating trend for his fans and teammates alike.

No one knows for sure what causes Curtis to falter in the playoffs. Maybe it’s the pressure of expectations, or perhaps the heightened intensity of the competition. Whatever the reason, it’s a cruel twist of fate that such an accomplished player has not been able to translate his regular season form into postseason success.

It’s a testament to Curtis’s character that he keeps pushing himself despite his playoff struggles. He knows that his legacy as a player is incomplete without a Grinder Championship, and he’s determined to make it happen. Year after year, he returns to the court with the same fire and drive, eager to prove himself and lead his team to glory.

As we look ahead to the rest of this Grinder season, we can only hope that this is the year Curtis finally breaks through and leads his team to the championship. He deserves it, not just for his talent and hard work but also for his resilience in the face of playoff adversity. It’s not like he’s the kind of guy who would demand a trade the moment he isn’t team captain and has to share shots with Jon Tirado or anything.

Now – on to last week…

GAPE Chicken

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02/07/2023 by GAPE Chicken

Week 4

The three games from last week are the epitome of mediocre basketball, showcasing teams that clearly missed the memo that basketball is a sport requiring both athleticism and skill. With air balls flying and 3PMs (three-point shots) barely passing the rim… I am surprised these degenerates don’t drink more. Brace yourselves, folks, it’s going to be a long and painful session watching these games.

By Gape Chicken

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		40'

Grinders Basketball

Where Age is only a number…

Author: GAPE Chicken

Week 4 – “Can someone make Wayne towel off..”

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44 - 51

Results

Gersitz

Peyton

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62 - 60

Results

Tall Justin

Curtis

Details

42 - 36

Results

Garrett

Cole

GAPE Chicken Predicts…the Semifinals

Week 6

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Week 4

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