Author: Kenny Blankenship

Blankenship is a high-school dropout whose uncle owns Grinders. Kenny is very unprofessional about reporting, far less serious about the job than Vic is. Despite his non-professional, simplistic stand-point, he claims to make ten times the amount that Vic does because of his uncle being one of the Grinders bosses. Kenny has also been stated to own a condo complex from all the money that he earns from reporting and drives a Volkswagen Jetta. During his reporting, Kenny usually spends his time commenting on the sexual appeal of the effeminate Grinders and how much he likes beer, pizza, and seeing the majority of Grinders fail.

12/12/202312/12/2023 by Kenny Blankenship

Playoff Picture

The final week of our regular season is approaching, and the final bye in the first round of the playoffs is still up for grabs. Gersitz and company wrapped up first place last week when they curb-stomped Team Jimmy. Jimmy wrapped up last place with this week’s forfeit (again) to KO. Jeff May and his team of old men locked up 5th place. Second through fourth remain wide open…

2023.3

Pos	Team	Form	W	L	L5	STRK	TmFG%	TmFGA%	PF	PA	DIFF	Tm GAPE	Tm GmScore
1	Gersitz	W W W L	8	2	4-1	L1	0.423	0.340	53	47	43	60.8	97.2
2	Curtis	W L W W	7	3	4-1	W2	0.391	0.388	52	51	14	56.6	89.7
3	Cole	W W L W	6	4	3-2	W1	0.353	0.353	52	48	35	51.6	81.9
4	KO	W L L W	5	5	2-3	W1	0.410	0.384	56	56	0	56.4	90.5
5	Jeff May	L L L L	2	8	0-5	L5	0.350	0.389	52	54	-16	44.5	75.0
6	Jimmy	L L W L	2	8	1-4	L1	0.337	0.399	49	58	-76	38.5	66.9

Tie-breakers:

Head-to-head
Overall Point Differential (Grinders is using the average point differential per game so teams aren’t unfairly impacted by other teams forfeitures).
Head-to-head Point Differential

Team Curtis Scenarios:

2nd: Win against Gersitz and/or Cole loses to Jeff May
3rd: Lose against Gersitz and Cole wins against Jeff May

Team Cole Scenarios:

2nd: Win against Jeff May and Curtis loses to Gersitz
3rd: Win against Jeff May and Curtis wins vs Gersitz
4th: Lose to Jeff May

Team KO Scenarios:

3rd: Cole loses to Jeff May
4th: Cole wins vs Jeff May

Other fun “Stuff”:

MVP: Chris Cole goes up against league favorite Paul Palumbo Wednesday – with more than just playoff implications on the line. The winner of this head-to-head battle will probably get that coveted League MVP award. Grinders fans know who to root for.

WAP & FGA: I know, I know, Curtis has a 12 shot lead over Bryant The Grinder… in two less games. Bryant has a slight WAP lead over our reigning ball hogger.

Hero: Cole, Paul P, and Jimmy Z could all walk away as the “hero”.

Helmet: Air Balls vs (FGM x 3). Too bad his team forfeits this week…

10/25/202310/25/2023 by Kenny Blankenship

Week 5 Review

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/25/2023	6:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


CurtisCole 10/25/2023 37 - 58 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Curtis	5	1	18	56	0.321	18	7	1	0	7	13	37	Loss
Cole	1	6	26	52	0.500	24	17	8	1	7	74	58	Win

Week 6 started, and ended, with a blowout. Although there was an actual final score, Captain Curtis could be heard saying “37 to who fucking cares. They played like it was Game 7 of the Finals. Who the fuck is Chuck? He’s NEVER played that hard. Also give him 17 more fouls. One rebound? What the fuck OMJ? ONE REBOUND?”

Curtis did lead his team’s “Effort” with 14/1/1 and a GAPE of… 1. Ben was fine if you ignore the 6 turnovers… 2 GAPE. Little Josh? Minus 1 GAPE. Thank god for Joe The Grinder and Boccio The Grinder. At least they tried their best. It’s quite possible this team is terrible.

Team Cole, on the other hand, still manages to get quality subs for Richie… who was knowingly picked despite being unavailable for the first 6 weeks. Wayne has stink eye. So Peyton “Him” offered his talents – holding Ben in check and contributing 20 GAPE. Bang Bang Daddy shot 45.5% and had 11/3/4. That’s all fine and good. But Team Captain Christopher “Alphabet That Call Wasn’t Audible Enough Fuck You Curtis” Cole continued his bid for league MVP (asterisked with Gersitz on DL). 15 points on 62.5 EFG%, 7 board and 7 assists on quality passes against a disinterested Team Curtis. Chuck “Mama Mita” T came out HOT, drilling his first 4 shots en route to a game high 20 points on 56.3/62.5% shooting. Chuck would have had an easy double/double had his captain not gotten jealous of all the attention he was getting… and stealing numerous rebounds. Contrary to what Curtis said – Chuck did not have 21 PFs. He had 4. Suck it Curtis. 22 GAPE for Chuck. 24 for Chris. Nice work. Goonfish.

Curtis

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Ben Sears	0	0	5	16	0.313	0.313	0	7	2	0	6	2.3	2	29.3
Curtis Masich	2	0	7	20	0.350	0.350	0	1	1	0	0	0.3	1	37.4
Joe Marie	1	1	5	10	0.500	0.550	0	3	0	0	1	1.0	7	57.0
Josh Morcelle	1	0	0	4	0.000	0.000	0	4	0	0	0	1.3	-1	9.0
Mike Boccio	1	0	1	6	0.167	0.167	0	3	4	1	0	3.0	4	32.6
Total	5	1	18	56	0.321	0.330	37	18	7	1	7	8.0	13	40.9

Cole

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Chris Cole	0	3	6	12	0.500	0.625	0	7	7	1	0	0	4.3	24	82.3
Chuck Thomasulo	1	2	9	16	0.563	0.625	0	4	2	4	0	0	9.3	22	80.8
Jon Tirado	0	1	5	11	0.455	0.500	0	3	4	0	0	4	1.0	8	48.0
Sub	0	0	6	13	0.462	0.462	0	10	4	3	1	3	11.3	20	63.8
Total	1	6	26	52	0.500	0.558	58	24	17	8	1	7	26.0	74	119.0

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/25/2023	Canceled	Grinders	2023.3	40'


GersitzJimmy 10/25/2023 Canceled Preview

Team Jimmy forfeited. Only 2 Grinders.

Gersitz

FTM	FTA	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0

Jimmy

FTM	FTA	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/25/2023	Canceled	Grinders	2023.3	40'


Jeff MayKO 10/25/2023 Canceled Preview

KO breaks 2 game skid on forfeit win. Jeff May forfeit with 2 Grinders.

Jeff May

FTM	FTA	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0

KO

FTM	FTA	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0

10/25/2023 by Kenny Blankenship

Week 4 Review

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/18/2023	8:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


JimmyJeff May 10/18/2023 37 - 68 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Jimmy	10	5	16	72	0.222	33	9	6	4	9	13	37	Loss
Jeff May	1	4	32	85	0.376	51	19	5	2	4	82	68	Win

Bryant The Grinder made it through the entirety of the basketball game, sans vomit. Well done new guy. Speaking of Bryant, the scorers table was left awestruck at how uninhibited he was to fire up shots as soon as he touched the ball. Even Curtis “Mr. WAP” was offended by all those shots. Eventually, after being shamed by the scorers table, Bryant did pass the rock. 0 assists, 28/8 for a GAP of 12. You do the math. Salvati was allowed to shoot 18 times in garbage time, which there was plenty of. Paul Palumbo had a 27 GAPE – continuing his searing start to this Grinders season. He will be 1st team All-Grinder if he keeps this up. Some goonfish subbed.

Team Jimmy-less struggled. That HOF’er Boerdner improved from his previous game – and contributed negative 3 GAPE in this one. Helmet? 4 air balls (in a row nonetheless), negative 4 GAPE. This team’s sub shot under 16%. Mike Ford had all 14 of his team’s GAPE. What a guy. This game was a blowout from the start.

Jimmy

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Eric Boerdner	2	2	6	26	0.231	0.269	0	4	3	0	0	2	1.3	-3	20.3
Justin Gerardi	4	1	2	10	0.200	0.250	0	3	0	0	1	1	3.0	-4	16.0
Mike Ford	0	2	5	17	0.294	0.353	0	13	1	2	1	3	10.3	14	44.0
Sub	4	0	3	19	0.158	0.158	0	13	5	4	2	3	16.3	7	22.4
Total	10	5	16	72	0.222	0.257	37	33	9	6	4	9	31.0	14	32.7

Jeff May

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Bryant The Grinder	1	2	13	37	0.351	0.378	0	8	0	2	0	1	6.7	12	47.9
Mike Salvati	0	0	5	18	0.278	0.278	0	13	2	3	0	1	10.3	14	45.6
Paul Palumbo	0	0	7	16	0.438	0.438	0	16	6	0	0	0	5.3	27	77.0
Sub	0	2	7	14	0.500	0.571	0	14	11	0	2	2	8.7	34	84.0
Total	1	4	32	85	0.376	0.400	68	51	19	5	2	4	31.0	87	123.7

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/18/2023	7:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


ColeGersitz 10/18/2023 37 - 41 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Cole	5	3	17	57	0.298	31	8	2	1	7	24	37	Loss
Gersitz	3	1	20	56	0.357	24	8	5	0	5	28	41	Win

New Baby Daddy Jon Tirado made his untriumhpant return to Grinders in this matchup that pitted Chris Cole against defacto captain Old Man Jon.

For Cole, “Hall Of Fame” Eric Boerdner subbed for Richie and Chuck, and porked up a suck of fame-like 1-11, and contributed a negative 6 (!) GAPE. Tirado didn’t miss a beat hitting 2 threes… while contributing a 2 GAPE. Like he never missed any games! Captain Cole had a respectable performance, with a 15/16/4 split. Cole’s biggest blunder was not in fact his blatant travel violation, but his offensive strategy against the undersized, older Old Man Jon unit who played man defense. Wayne “Freight Train” Haynes was having his way down low against OMJ, but was just ghosted the remainder of the game by his teammates. Or… maybe it was the knee to the dick that slowed him down, we’ll probably never know. This beat writer blames Cole for his poor quality strategy.

As for Old Man Jon, besides the brilliant defensive strategy that held down the rival team to a paltry 29.8 FG%, continued out-performing his contract, and team responsibilities, by hitting for 4/10 from the field with (another) 3 this week. Garrett Beesing, who not coincidentally represents the Polish, wore his Vaillancourt +5 Jersey of Non-suckness. Earning player of the game for OMJ, Garrett snagged 14 boards and scored 10 for 17 GAPE. Crazy Al and Peyton rounded out a well-balanced attack that gave Cole and his squad of goonfish fits. Zone? Fine – all of OMJ can and did hit the open jumpers. Man? “The Child, Please”.

Post game there were a couple of old guys grumbling about how loud or quiet the calls on the floor were, or something. Oh and Old Man Jon was grumbling about Millennials and their inability to call when they are fouled. Typical millennials – always gimme gimme gimme. Never do anything for themselves. Sack up younglings! Call it when you get fouled instead of crying about the offender not calling it – like you are Baby Tirado or something.

Cole

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Chris Cole	1	1	7	18	0.389	0.417	0	16	4	1	0	0	7.3	24	66.1
Jon Tirado	1	2	3	11	0.273	0.364	0	4	1	0	0	2	1.3	2	30.6
Wayne Haynes	2	0	6	17	0.353	0.353	0	9	1	1	1	4	7.0	7	37.4
Sub	1	0	1	11	0.091	0.091	0	2	2	0	0	1	0.7	-6	9.4
Total	5	3	17	57	0.298	0.325	37	31	8	2	1	7	16.3	27	53.1

Gersitz

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Al Derrico	2	0	6	17	0.353	0.353	0	3	1	0	2	1.0	1	34.3
Garrett Beesing	1	0	5	16	0.313	0.313	0	14	5	2	2	8.7	17	48.6
Jon Urbaniak	0	1	4	10	0.400	0.450	0	5	1	1	0	3.7	10	60.0
Peyton Urbaniak	0	0	5	13	0.385	0.385	0	2	1	2	1	4.7	6	48.9
Total	3	1	20	56	0.357	0.366	41	24	8	5	5	18.0	34	66.8

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/18/2023	6:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


KO Curtis 10/18/2023 54 - 57 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
KO	2	4	25	63	0.397	32	9	6	4	13	49	54	Loss
Curtis	2	3	27	58	0.466	28	13	12	1	7	61	57	Win

The reigning champs dropped their second straight game of the season, despite some solid efforts from the three starters. Lanzot, Tommy, and Tall Justin all had GAPEs between 14-18. Normally that would be good enough for the win. Let’s be honest, this team used to be good when they used their big men down low. Not the case this week – as Tommy wanted to show Curtis he could shoot almost as much as him.

Not when you can’t defend the WAP! Curtis put in 30/10 and even whined his way to 4 assists. Ben Sears continued to be a force offensively and on the boards, 17/11/6. Defensive Sorcerer Mike Boccio shot 37.5% (eff yeah Boccio) and had 5 steals. Little Josh finished up with 8 GAPE on an all-around mediocre performance. Better than expected for a $1 guy though – keep it up, friend!

KO

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Josh Lanzot	1	0	7	15	0.467	0.467	0	10	3	0	0	2	3.3	16	60.4
Justin Rybinski	0	0	4	12	0.333	0.333	0	10	1	1	2	0	9.3	14	55.7
Tommy Hughes	1	4	11	24	0.458	0.542	0	6	4	5	0	9	12.0	18	53.3
Sub	0	0	3	12	0.250	0.250	0	6	1	0	2	2	6.0	4	32.6
Total	2	4	25	63	0.397	0.429	54	32	9	6	4	13	30.7	52	85.3

Curtis

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Ben Sears	1	3	7	17	0.412	0.500	0	11	6	4	0	3	11.7	24	62.1
Curtis Masich	1	0	15	29	0.517	0.517	0	10	4	3	1	1	11.3	32	83.6
Josh Morcelle	0	0	2	4	0.500	0.500	0	5	2	0	0	1	1.7	8	38.0
Mike Boccio	0	0	3	8	0.375	0.375	0	2	1	5	0	2	10.7	7	47.0
Total	2	3	27	58	0.466	0.491	57	28	13	12	1	7	35.3	71	112.8

08/29/202303/29/2024 by Kenny Blankenship

Kenny Explains Grinders Awards & Advanced Statistics

By Kenny Blankenship

Have you ever wondered what GAPE means, or what Hero% is all about? Or what is the Curtis Masich “What’s a Pass?” Award? Well, you’re in the right place.

Prestigious Awards

Most Valuable Player (MVP)

The MVP is awarded to the Grinder who had the highest “Overall” rating over the entire regular season.

Matt Vaillancourt Defensive MVP (VD MVP)

The Defensive MVP is awarded to the Grinder who had the highest “Defense” rating over the course of the regular season.

Curtis Masich “What’s A Pass?” Award (WAP)

The WAP is awarded to the Grinder who has the highest “WAP%” over the course of the regular season.

All-Grinders Teams

All-Grinders 1st Team

Grinders with the four (4) highest “WaR“ ratings, provided the grinder has played in more than half of his team’s games.

All-Grinders 2nd Team

Grinders with the next 4 highest “WaR” ratings, provided the grinder has played more than half of his team’s games.

Advanced Stats Explained

Defense

Purpose: The “Defense” stat measures a Grinder’s… defensive efforts.

Defense = (Rebounds/3) + (Steals*2) + (Blocks *2)

Rebounds are divided by three (3) to lessen the benefit received for being taller than everyone else. Since steals and blocks are all that we have left to measure defense, they are each multiplied by two (2) to increase the weight each factors into total score. A higher Defense score indicates a Grinder played well defensively.

GAPE (Grinders Analytical Player Evaluation)

Purpose: This stat attempts to capture how effective a Grinder’s performance was. Although defense plays a role in calculating GAPE, it is heavily weighted by offensive performance. The more points you score, the higher GAPE quickly becomes.

GAPE = Points Scored + Field Goals Made + Rebounds + Assists + Steals + Blocks – Air Balls – Turnovers – Field Goals Attempted

A higher GAPE score indicates a more effective game was played.

Suck

Suck measures all of the ways a Grinder negatively impacts his team during a basketball game. A higher Suck score indicates a lousier performance.

Suck = (1 – ((1 + Field Goals Made) / ((If Field Goals Attempted<=5, 5, 0)*5 + Field Goals Attempted + Airballs + Field Goals Attempted + Turnovers))) * 100

The “5” is used as a constant to offset the impact of players who are not often utilized in a game and have low shot totals. It prevents them from having an artificially low Suck score. The higher the suck score, the worse the Grinder performed.

Overall

The Overall rating was created to more accurately measure a player’s overall performance. A high GAPE may be misleading if that Grinder also had a higher than average Suck score. This statistic combines GAPE and SUCK to more effectively balance the positives and negatives in a Grinder’s performance.

Overall = GAPE + (100 – Suck)

The higher the Overall Score, the better all-around performance a Grinder had. Generally, Overall scores range from 0-100. However, exceptionally poor performances can result in a negative Overall. Likewise, a dominating all-around performance can result in an Overall over 100.

Hero%

Every team needs a hero…

Hero% = GAPE / Team GAPE

The higher the Hero%, the more the Grinder’s Team relied on that player as the go-to guy… whereas a low or negative Hero% indicates the Grinder contributed nothing to his team.

WAP%

WAP% stands for… oh you know what it stands for. This metric was created to measure what percentage of shots a Grinder takes for his team.

WAP% = Field Goals Attempted / Team Field Goals Attempted

A high WAP% indicates a Grinder is, or rather thinks he is, an excellent shooter, or has zero faith in his teammates. This Grinder will shoot regardless of any situation.

WaR

Wins Above Replacement Player takes into account all of the advanced statistics explained above and determines how valuable a Grinder truly is to his team.

WaR = LOL yeah right, Grinders HQ didn’t even tell GAPE Chicken this formula.

Trust us, this formula is legit and does an excellent job of taking into account all of the things a Grinder does on the basketball court – how effective the Grinder is on offense, defense, and how much the Grinder incudes and elevates the overall play of his team. The “James Hardens” of Grinders Basketball will find their WaR is lower than they would like – indicating they are not as valuable to their team as they think they are.

WaR Ratings

Negative WaR: Indicates a Grinder was horrid and the team was better off if he had stayed home with Covid.

0 – 0.5 WaR: Indicates replacement level player (you know – the guys who go for $1-3 in the draft.

0.5 – 1.5 WaR: Role guys

1.5 – 2.5 WaR: Solid guys

2.5 – 3.5 WaR: All-Grinder 1st team type guys

3.5+ WaR: MVP type performances

03/02/2023 by Kenny Blankenship

Week 7 Review

Yeah its a week late… whatever. You write these if you don’t like it.

Recap:

Old Man Jon had the greatest defensive effort in Grinders history, stealing a late pass from Worm with 2 seconds left, getting mauled by Boccio the Grinder, and tipping the ball to Eric “Big Balls” Boerdner for the game tying 3. OT was a formality.

Curtis took A LOT of shots.

There. Done. Enjoy.

02/18/202308/28/2023 by Kenny Blankenship

What is the “Overall” stat?

The math nerd at Grinders HQ likes to play with numbers. He does it for a living and he does it to make fun of fellow grinders. That’s what really drives him. He’s sort of a dick that way.

The “Overall” stat is a measure of a player’s total performance. It factors in all of the positive along with all of the negative stuff a grinder does throughout every game, season, and career.

FAQs:

Q: Why? Don’t we have GAPE to do all that?
A: Overall is weighted by total contribution and also takes into account a player’s Suck Score. It’s a little different, but similar. You know what? Make up your own stats if you don’t like mine.
Q: What’s the formula? How do I calculate it?
A: Don’t worry about it.
Q: What is the score out of?
A: Mathematically, there is no limit. Typically though, scores range from 0-100. Extraordinary efforts may result in a score over 100, or if a player goes 3-3 shooting, and does literally nothing else. Also, terrible efforts may result in a negative Overall Score – and those are really special. I’m hear to celebrate those in particular.

Q: What will you use Overall for?
A: To humiliate the weak.

12/16/2022 by Kenny Blankenship

Round 1 Recap… 12/16/2022

Remember when this league was cool and we had game reviews every week? I ‘member. The last one was a month and a half ago. Let’s be better from now on, shall we?

Dadbods vs. What’s a Pass?

Perhaps the most exciting game of the session – oh, my apologies. It would appear that neither of these teams played last week. Jumped the gun a bit there.

BOHICA vs. Gimme a Minute: 65-35

Despite Gimme a Minute only trailing by 8 points at the half, this game was never really close. Tall Justin’s game plan of “everybody shoot the ball poorly” was executed to perfection, as the Big 3 of Justin, Jeff May and Lil Cuz all shot under .304 from the field. It’s also quite apparent that some strings were pulled in the stat department, as not a single air ball was recorded? What’s that all about? I’m pretty sure there were at least 5, with 4 of them coming from Lil Cuz. Sorry, we don’t sugarcoat things around here. Helmet and Little Josh turned in signature performances combining for a GAPE of 1. Tall Justin looked flummoxed in the paint as he was locked down by Josh Lanzot. Lil Cuz tried to provide a spark by committing assault on Richie at least three different times. Jeff “I’m too old for this shit” May came out of the gate guns blazing, starting off 0/6 shooting. He did led the team in scoring though with 15 points, and he also recorded … 11 blocks? Somehow I find that highly unlikely.

On the other hand, BOHICA actually looked like a team with a pulse out there. The aforementioned Josh Lanzot dominated down low with 14 rebounds and held Tall Justin to his worst game of the session. He also dished out 8 assists and tied teammate Jimmy Zeitz for a game-high 25 GAPE. Speaking of, Zeitz took advantage of some low-effort defense and dropped 28 points on 60% shooting. That seems good. Richie started the game slow, but really turned it on after getting angry for no apparent reason, splashing 5 from deep. Nixon showed great hustle and logged 4 steals. These guys were just locked in, and they will have the rest of the Grinders in their corner this week when they take on the Dadbods. Let’s hope they can recreate their Week 1 upset…

Laundromats vs. Chuckets: 63-48

To the surprise of absolutely no one, this session’s Gaping Grinder Mike Gersitz gaped and grinded all over the Chuckets. Rival captain Tommy watched in awe as MVG nailed open look after open look, logging 30 points on 60% shooting and a massive GAPE of 37. Al “Still Overpaid” Derrico was written off early in the session, but in the wise words of Geno Smith “he ain’t write back though.” Al contributed 20 points on over 50% shooting and filled up the box score with two steals and a block. Cory “Suck Bucket” Muldowney showed off his prowess as a point forward, recording 15 rebounds and 7 assists. I think the Suck Score is a bit harsh – sure, Cory can’t score for shit, but hot damn can he facilitate an offense. He also knows how to appeal to the audience – his frequent pull-up airballs always get the Grinders on their feet. Gersitz and gang looked dangerous, and they look to strike while the iron is hot in Round 2 against What’s a Pass? Will Gersitz continue to dominate against a slightly more formidable opponent? How long will it take before Cory turns into prime Goldberg and spears his “friend” Curt and stares down at the body he has just broken in half? Can “Crazy” Al take “ROTY” Peyton to school once more? My answer to all of the above is “yeah, probably.”

Sadly, we must also discuss the Chuckets, who also played in this game. Captain Tommy Hughes somehow managed 18 points, but also sank his squad with 5 turnovers, including one that was rifled off of the dome of his own teammate, Chuck, forcing him out of the game. With their top shooter down, big man Mike Ford filled in nicely by shooting 2/14 from the field. Doyle turned in a pretty standard Doyle game with an efficient 10 points. To be honest though, we’re really just glad that Chuck is okay. That was some pretty scary shit. Okay enough being nice. Not a soul is surprised this team lost. They had the worst record for a reason.

Overall these games were both pretty stinky. Hopefully we got all of the blowouts out of the way because that shit was borrrriinggg. As a wise man once said, “GET BETTER YOU PEOPLE!”

12/15/2022 by Kenny Blankenship

What’s a Suck Score?

“Bro, what’s this new “Suck Score” and why does Old Man Jon hate Cory so much?“

Nah, Old Man Jon likes Cory. He seems like a good dude – I’d even let him fuck Richie’s sister. The Suck Score highlights Grinders who… sucked.

Suck Score FAQs:

Q: How do you determine a grinder’s Suck Score?
A: Don’t worry about all that.

Q: What about all the “good” stuff I do? Like my points, rebounds, assists?
A: What about it? You’re probably not that good. Besides, that’s what we have “GAPE” for. Stop being selfish.

Q: What is the Suck Score out of?
A: 100.

Q: Why another negative stat? This world we live in is vile enough as it is. Most Grinders come to fraternize with the guys, have a couple drinks, get a good run in… forget about how polarized the country is, inflation, how doomed our planet is, and all the horrors of war. This seems counter to that goal.
A: Okay.
Q: No, seriously, why?
A: I have depression and your misery makes me a little less sad.

09/26/2022 by Kenny Blankenship

Session 2022-03 Preview

There were open runs. There was a draft. There are teams. Admittedly, the league beat writer writer ran out of steam about half-way through… enjoy!

Team: Mike Gersitz

Draft Grade: 46/100

Team Grade: 62/100

League superstar Mike Gersitz tries his hand at being a GM this session. Anyone who bet Gersitz would dominate the draft the way he does the EBC basketball court or Laundromat YouTube wished they wagered on BitCoin instead. What does the reigning Poor Performer of the session go for when Gersitz is at the helm? An offensively high $28, 3rd highest in this session.

Rank	Player	Team	Position
1	Jeff May	Gersitz	Forward
2	Mike Ford	Gersitz	Forward
3	Jon Urbaniak	Peyton	Guard
4	Chris Cole	Cole	Forward
5	Matt Vaillancourt	Vaillancourt	Forward
6	Chuck Thomasulo	Peyton	Guard
7	Jimmy Zeitz	Peyton	Guard
8	Justin Gerardi	Pauly P	Guard
9	Jon Tirado	Garrett	Guard
10	Peyton Urbaniak	Peyton	Guard
11	Todd Nixon	Curtis	Guard
12	Mike Malicki	Pauly P	Forward
13	Richie Creamer	Tall Justin	Guard
14	Mike Benjamin	Tall Justin	Guard
15	Tommy Hughes	Cole	Guard
16	Mark Doyle	Tirado	Guard
17	Eric Boerdner	Gersitz	Guard
18	Curtis Masich	Curtis	Forward
19	Jon Witt	Curtis	Guard
20	Grant Decz	Peyton	Forward
21	Paul Johnson	Curtis	Guard
22	Aaron Kiselev	Cole	Forward
23	Eric Carlson	Peyton	Guard
24	Sub	-
25	Wayne Haynes	Cole	Forward
26	Kellen Owen	Tall Justin	Guard
27	Josh Lanzot	Garrett	Forward
28	Justin Rybinski	Tall Justin	Forward
29	Mike Gersitz	Gersitz	Forward
30	Ben Sears	Peyton	Forward
31	Al Derrico	Garrett	Guard
32	Zach Newberry	Tall Justin	Forward
33	Josh Morcelle	Cole	Guard
34	Mike Salvati	Garrett	Guard
35	Bobby Spaziani	Tall Justin	Guard
36	Cory Muldowney	Curtis	Forward
37	Mike Boccio	Cole	Guard
38	Joe Marie	Crazy	Forward
39	Paul Palumbo	Garrett	Forward
40	Matt Kieta	Jimmy	Guard
41	Bryant The Grinder	Tall Justin	Guard
42	Garrett Beesing	Garrett	Forward
43	Bobby The New Grinder	Gersitz

By the way, 0.5 GAPE is easily the WORST in the EBC era. But, what about Ben Sears, you ask? Well, if you get 3 games out of him this session, I guess that’s a win. Pauly J continues to obsessively pull it to hot MILF Olivia Munn while not in the game. Johnson is essentially the leagues Miro Satan – awesome when he is on the hot streak… and then… the rest of the time. Mike “Worm (Q)” Benjamin is the leagues reigning Playoff MVP. Even if Worm continues his magical play from last session’s playoffs, this team is doomed for last place. Normally any team with Mike G on it is in the championship conversation, but not this session.

Good news?

Mike Gersitz will definitely win the Hero Baller award this session, most likely breaking the single session record he already holds.

Team: Tall Justin

Team Strength: 60/100

Team Grade: 70/100

Tall Justin, the leagues tallest player, refuses to play down low and win. Instead, he loves to shoot 3’s like the paint is hot lava. Eric “Little Cuz” Carlson also loves to shoot the 3 ball. Jeff May, looking to prove that he isn’t washed up, continues to battle Father Time. When he is on his game, there is no better shooter. He is, though, 73 years old. Rounding out this roster are winners of 3 of the first 4 Poor Performers in EBC history. Justin “Helmet” Girardi is no stranger to bashing his teammates strategy while on the bench… where he will probably spend all his time this session. Josh, reigning “Mike Ford Pain In the Dick” award winner, will battle Eric Carlson for the most fouls in Grinders history. This team will be unpleasant to play against. Grinders beware – wear your body armor against this collection of hacks.

Good news?

Justin is still tall. Little Josh had a career best 7.0 Gape, 14x better than “Crazy”, and went for 1/28th the price. Total steal. I guess.

Team: Richie

Draft Grade: 100/100

Team Grade: 80/100

The league’s analytics branch warned Little Richie not to draft all short guys. Instead, he drafted all short guys and Josh Lanzot, who had a career session in the winter. Pro-tip for Josh – be ready to catch Richie’s shots from 3 before they go out of bounds… “AK” Aaron Kiselev, hoping to not get drafted by Putin, instead got drafted by Richie Creamer. Is that a win? “AK” hasn’t played in a few sessions – and will be working to slowly get back in game shape. Luckily, Todd “Fucking” Nixon has made it known he will have limited availability… so here’s hoping “AK” already rehabbed. Then there is Jimmy Z – a quick, talented baller – as long as his ankles are in tact.

Good news?

EBC still has plenty of chairs…

Team: Tommy

Draft Grade: 90/100

Team Grade: 81/100

Tommy Hughes drafted this team like it was 2016. Mike Ford and Old Man Jon are 2 of the oldest 3 guys in the league. The analytics department wanted to point that out as a terrible, terrible strategy. Mark Doyle is probably the Grinder in the best shape, while Chuck T is an assassin from 3, sometimes. Tommy has long hair, and like my cat Thor, his effectiveness is directly correlated with his waist line. This team should be tough to beat… as long as everyone shows up.

Good news?

Doyle’s pants-game rivals only Ford’s during EBC game play.

Team: Curt Masich

Draft Grade: 77/100

Team Grade: 83/100

“Foreign” Curt, as exactly one guy knows him as, made some odd choices for his team. Curt, who notoriously never sits nor passes after half time, or – wins playoff games, drafted Jon “Bang-Bang” Tirado and Eric “I haven’t won a single game at EBC” Boerdner… who are both allergic to passing the basketball. It’s unclear how this will turn out for this team, but odds are it won’t be great. Matt Vaillancourt, notorious “blocking” fouler gets to play down low and will probably shatter the single session rebound record… with all the bricks that are bound to be shot by his teammates. Will he and Boerdner be able to coexist? The over/under on games before a fight is 0.

Good news?

Peyton Urbaniak joins the league at the fresh age of “22”. Broke reigning MVP Mike Gersitz’s ankles on his very first possession… much to the delight of everyone in attendance. Youth and height usually kill in this league. As long as you ignore that his dad has a better jumper, that is…

Team: Cole

Draft Grade: n/a

Team Grade: 87/100

Wait, this roster was good enough to win a Championship? Grinders everywhere have been left scratching their heads since the infamous session these chodes won. What can one say about these guys? KO, former Poor Performer – plays just well enough not to win that award a second time. Witt has no hair and never met a chest he didn’t drive his forearm into while driving to the hoop. Salvati only plays after 9pm – that’s not suspicious or anything. Newberry – cheater. Probably – just like that chess player. No one knows how for sure – but we all assume it has something to do with anal beads. And Christopher Cole. He’s been working hard this off-season. Word is he needed to buy a smaller jersey size. Nah – just kidding, he didn’t.

What’s good?

Nothing. There’s nothing good here. This team is obnoxious.

05/20/2022 by Kenny Blankenship

Playoff Review…

Details

Date	Time	Full Time
		40'

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Date	Time	Full Time
		40'

Details

Date	Time	Full Time
		40'

2023.3

Details

37 - 58

Results

Curtis

Cole

Details

Canceled

Gersitz

Jimmy

Details

Canceled

Jeff May

KO

Details

37 - 68

Results

Jimmy

Jeff May

Details

37 - 41

Results

Cole

Gersitz

Details

54 - 57

Results

KO

Curtis

Details

Details

Details