Well, Week 3 in Grinders is upon us, and only 2 official games have been played. This beat reporter is bummed, to say the least – but hey, less work for me right? To my knowledge all teams are on track to play tonight, and hopefully we don’t come across any more forfeits or reschedules, because that’s just super lame. I know a large group of Grinders are really going through it right now – the Bills’ season is probably over, the Orioles’ season is actually over… but Grinders season in my eyes is just getting started! Maybe I’m the only one excited about that. Idk let’s just preview some games.

Lanky Wankers vs Kellen and the Jets, 6:30pm
Yeah that’s right, I’m coming up with my own team names for you all. Back in Week 1, KO and his defending champs came out the gates slow, but looked like their unstoppable selves in the second half. On paper, this looks like a pretty tough test – but with Gersitz and Garrett out tonight (and Worm but like whatever) this will probably be a boring blowout, especially with KO’s squad presumably at full strength with Josh and Zach returning. My prediction is that Peyton will earn his first career WAP award and try to drive to the hole, despite two of the biggest bodies likely patrolling the paint. It’ll be interesting to see if the Wanks opt to man up or play zone on defense – but it probably won’t matter, either Tommy will cook or one of the two big men will exploit the glaring size mismatch down low. I do think this becomes a must watch game at full strength, but tonight the Jets cruise to an easy win.
Prediction: 68-45, KO

May I Please Play vs. I Hate Texas, 7:30pm
I am writing this one up assuming Jeff’s team will show up tonight. There’s no film for me to assess this team off of, but Curt’s team will be out for revenge after falling just short against Jimmy in Week 1. I anticipate shots to rain down all game, and I think the key matchup to watch will be Curtis against Bryant. In limited open run action Bryant has shown flashes, the question is if he can contain Curtis, who put up 24 points in Week 1 on 41% shooting. Jeff May showed us that he hasn’t lost a step, and Joe will have to find a way to throw him off of his game. Ben looked solid as well, and I can’t see anyone from May’s bottom 3 holding him to less than his 16 point effort from two weeks ago. Again, it’s tough to predict this game with so little info on Jeff’s team, but I think they keep it close until Curtis takes over late.
Prediction: 58-52, Curtis

What’s a Foul? vs. What the Chuck?! 8:30pm
Jimmy is already running away as the MVP favorite – is anyone surprised? A 24 point triple double on 61% shooting? 5 steals? This guy sucks to play against. Who’s guarding that from Cole’s team – Chuck? New dad Jon Tirado (if he shows)? Cole will likely battle down low with Ford which should be pure entertainment. Fouler Kieta and the HOF Eric showed they can contribute with 16 and 12 points respectively in Week 1. Feel like Wayne would match up decently with E, and Tirado/Chuck on the two quick guys in Jimmy and Matt. The keys to a Cole victory would be either Cole himself goes off and abuses Ford all night (highly likely) and they make it rain from beyond the arc, which based on the track records of Chuck and Tirado, there’s about a 15% chance that happens. Remember, Jimmy’s team only squeaked past Curt’s team by 2 points. I think this week, Cole will long for the contributions that Richie could bring to this offense, and they could play them close for at least the first half, but eventually Jimmy and Co. will be too much to handle.
Prediction: 60-53, Jimmy

It feels like it has been an eternity since the last meaningful Grinders game was played, way back in March. If you have forgotten or simply don’t care at all, Kellen led his super team to a convincing victory over E and his MVP/first team duo of Jimmy and Cole. It was honestly like a cinematic masterpiece: if you consider Dadbod on Dadbod crime cinema. Honestly sounds more like something heinous you’d stumble upon while taking a deep dive on the Hub. The mini session happened, and since then the Grinders talent has been as active as ever. They took their talents outdoors to the pickleball court where what started as a relaxing, casual event turned into a racket smashing, expletive hurling sweat fest. Tensions arose quickly, but dissipated just as fast as soon as the bucket of brews came out. And then the draft, from what I’ve heard through the grapevine, was as professional and elegant as you would expect. What I would give to have been a fly on the wall… I am so eager to see if the aftermath of last week carries into tonight. So many feuds and storylines for this session that you’d think Vince McMahon had taken over as AD! But enough of all that – it’s preview time, baybay.

Session Preview

The GAPE Chicken at Grinders HQ has thrown together an early power rankings, if you will, based on each teams’ average player WAR. Basically, the higher the cute little number with the decimals, the better that respective team is expected to be. Since WAR is typically reserved for individuals, the average of all players on a team, for now, I’ll call “GRIND.” Don’t question it. I also have not been sent any team names, so please be understanding, Grinders HQ has been working so very hard this offseason and hasn’t ironed everything out yet.

6) Cole’s Team (0.7568 GRIND)

This does put a smile on my face. I really am curious as to what the strategy was on draft night. Was Cole influenced by the preseason open runs and decided to just run that same team back for 10 more weeks? Consider this analyst skeptical. Taking Wayne early is a bit of a gamble, as no one is really sure what to expect. I’m not hating on it by any means – I am all about the high risk, high reward maneuvers. What I am NOT all about is the high risk, low reward picks in Jon “Bang Bang” Tirado and “Captain Integrity” Chuck. Two bottom 10 career WAR guys who love chucking from deep; unless Cole puts his foot down and forces them to work together, I can’t see much promise for this squad. And then the focal point of the draft, Richie, wont even be available for the first 6 games! A disappointing showing for sure, but sadly we must give Cole his props for going out of his way to sabotage Curtis’ team with the Richie pick. Speaking of…

5) Curtis’ Team (0.7586 GRIND) 

Congrats AD! Your team is 0.0022 points better than Cole’s. How poetic. He really does love those 2’s. Especially when you take two 2’s and make a 22! Fascinating stuff. On paper, this team is not eye popping in the slightest. Joe and Ben are a little intriguing, as they provide good size and can potentially excel against smaller teams. Boccio in my opinion gets a bad rap. Sure he is not that useful offensively, but he is amongst the top defenders in the league, and shows great hustle and speed in loose ball situations. I really think he will find his way off of the All-Scrub team, as long as he hits some more open layups this session. Lil Josh will have his moments, but will likely be relegated to sitting in the corner on offense, waiting for a catch and shoot opportunity that will never come with Mr. WAP himself leading this team.

4) Jeff’s Team (0.87 GRIND)

Apparently, Jeff May used his draft money sparingly, and as a result this is the team he will be trotting out. He looked a little rusty to start last week’s open run, but quickly settled in and played his trademarked efficient scoring style game. This team will likely rely on the unproven newcomer Bryant, who showed flashes in his two open runs, but will need to show that he can replicate those flashes into a true Grinders setting. Pauly P, Mike Salvati, and Todd Nixon I feel like are essentially the same player – they can, but won’t contribute much offensively, but will bring the defense and hustle that could compliment their scorers well. 

3) Jimmy’s Team (0.97 GRIND)

Reigning MVP Jimmy has showed in recent weeks that he hasn’t lost a step, and is looking to return to the championship scene after appearing with E’s team back in March. He brought back his former captain, who quietly was much improved in the spring session. Who could forget his infamous buzzer beater to force OT against Worm’s team? I expect him to play a large role in this offense. Jimmy took Ford for a questionable amount in the draft, and I must say I’m not fully against it. He has shown he can be a quality scorer, and against some of the smaller teams this session he could be a difference maker. I have zero information on newcomer Matt Kieta. Small Justin I feel will play a nice complimentary role with Jimmy leading the offense, and rumor has it he will be targeting opposing ankles again to give this team the extra push they need.

2) Gersitz’s Team (1.2 GRIND) 

The eye test says this team is going to be super annoying to play against. The perennial first teamer snagged some solid value in the draft, starting off with his guy Al “Crazy” Derrico. His last 3 sessions have ended in a GAPE of 9.0 or higher, including 15 GAPE this previous mini session. He has plenty of experience playing alongside Gersitz, and that chemistry will lead to plenty of scoring opportunities for the two of them. Youngling Peyton has steadily improved each session, earning himself consecutive second-team All Grinders honors. He led the league in assists in the first session of 2023, and with this pass-first offense I can see him being up there once again. Newcomer Garrett I also have zero information on, other than I think he’s a big man – possibly Vaillancourt-esque, which could be exactly what this team needs to fill out the roster. Jon U finally gets to play alongside his son, and is reportedly thrilled to actually be allowed to touch the ball this session. This team is lacking a bit in size – Gersitz, Al, and Peyton have roughly the same build – but they make up for it with their ability to turn games into track meetsby running up and down the court for 40 minutes. Holy team cardio. 

1) Kellen’s Team (1.4 GRIND)

The defending champs are running it back, and to no surprise they come in on top in these power rankings. Kellen built his team with minimal flaws, as they have the size to matchup with anybody in Tall Justin and Josh Lanzot, the scoring and playmaking prowess of Tommy, and the 3 & D combo of Kellen and Zach. Coming off of a first team All Grinder selection (mostly inflated from a 40 GAPE game 1) last session, Zach is looking to follow up with a strong full session. Tommy is reportedly in LeBron mode with the higher ups, so I’m sure he’ll be playing with a chip on his shoulder. I don’t think there is any one team that can fully matchup with these 5, and I will not be surprised if they end up going back-to-back this year. The Grinders faithful eagerly await the 7:30 game tonight, where they look to stomp out Cole’s team similarly to how they did in last sessions championship.