Category: Blog

by Vic Romano

2023.3 Grinders Session Preview

It feels like it has been an eternity since the last meaningful Grinders game was played, way back in March. If you have forgotten or simply don’t care at all, Kellen led his super team to a convincing victory over E and his MVP/first team duo of Jimmy and Cole. It was honestly like a cinematic masterpiece: if you consider Dadbod on Dadbod crime cinema. Honestly sounds more like something heinous you’d stumble upon while taking a deep dive on the Hub. The mini session happened, and since then the Grinders talent has been as active as ever. They took their talents outdoors to the pickleball court where what started as a relaxing, casual event turned into a racket smashing, expletive hurling sweat fest. Tensions arose quickly, but dissipated just as fast as soon as the bucket of brews came out. And then the draft, from what I’ve heard through the grapevine, was as professional and elegant as you would expect. What I would give to have been a fly on the wall… I am so eager to see if the aftermath of last week carries into tonight. So many feuds and storylines for this session that you’d think Vince McMahon had taken over as AD! But enough of all that – it’s preview time, baybay.

Session Preview

The GAPE Chicken at Grinders HQ has thrown together an early power rankings, if you will, based on each teams’ average player WAR. Basically, the higher the cute little number with the decimals, the better that respective team is expected to be. Since WAR is typically reserved for individuals, the average of all players on a team, for now, I’ll call “GRIND.” Don’t question it. I also have not been sent any team names, so please be understanding, Grinders HQ has been working so very hard this offseason and hasn’t ironed everything out yet.

6) Cole’s Team (0.7568 GRIND)

This does put a smile on my face. I really am curious as to what the strategy was on draft night. Was Cole influenced by the preseason open runs and decided to just run that same team back for 10 more weeks? Consider this analyst skeptical. Taking Wayne early is a bit of a gamble, as no one is really sure what to expect. I’m not hating on it by any means – I am all about the high risk, high reward maneuvers. What I am NOT all about is the high risk, low reward picks in Jon “Bang Bang” Tirado and “Captain Integrity” Chuck. Two bottom 10 career WAR guys who love chucking from deep; unless Cole puts his foot down and forces them to work together, I can’t see much promise for this squad. And then the focal point of the draft, Richie, wont even be available for the first 6 games! A disappointing showing for sure, but sadly we must give Cole his props for going out of his way to sabotage Curtis’ team with the Richie pick. Speaking of…

5) Curtis’ Team (0.7586 GRIND) 

Congrats AD! Your team is 0.0022 points better than Cole’s. How poetic. He really does love those 2’s. Especially when you take two 2’s and make a 22! Fascinating stuff. On paper, this team is not eye popping in the slightest. Joe and Ben are a little intriguing, as they provide good size and can potentially excel against smaller teams. Boccio in my opinion gets a bad rap. Sure he is not that useful offensively, but he is amongst the top defenders in the league, and shows great hustle and speed in loose ball situations. I really think he will find his way off of the All-Scrub team, as long as he hits some more open layups this session. Lil Josh will have his moments, but will likely be relegated to sitting in the corner on offense, waiting for a catch and shoot opportunity that will never come with Mr. WAP himself leading this team.

4) Jeff’s Team (0.87 GRIND)

Apparently, Jeff May used his draft money sparingly, and as a result this is the team he will be trotting out. He looked a little rusty to start last week’s open run, but quickly settled in and played his trademarked efficient scoring style game. This team will likely rely on the unproven newcomer Bryant, who showed flashes in his two open runs, but will need to show that he can replicate those flashes into a true Grinders setting. Pauly P, Mike Salvati, and Todd Nixon I feel like are essentially the same player – they can, but won’t contribute much offensively, but will bring the defense and hustle that could compliment their scorers well. 

3) Jimmy’s Team (0.97 GRIND)

Reigning MVP Jimmy has showed in recent weeks that he hasn’t lost a step, and is looking to return to the championship scene after appearing with E’s team back in March. He brought back his former captain, who quietly was much improved in the spring session. Who could forget his infamous buzzer beater to force OT against Worm’s team? I expect him to play a large role in this offense. Jimmy took Ford for a questionable amount in the draft, and I must say I’m not fully against it. He has shown he can be a quality scorer, and against some of the smaller teams this session he could be a difference maker. I have zero information on newcomer Matt Kieta. Small Justin I feel will play a nice complimentary role with Jimmy leading the offense, and rumor has it he will be targeting opposing ankles again to give this team the extra push they need.

2) Gersitz’s Team (1.2 GRIND) 

The eye test says this team is going to be super annoying to play against. The perennial first teamer snagged some solid value in the draft, starting off with his guy Al “Crazy” Derrico. His last 3 sessions have ended in a GAPE of 9.0 or higher, including 15 GAPE this previous mini session. He has plenty of experience playing alongside Gersitz, and that chemistry will lead to plenty of scoring opportunities for the two of them. Youngling Peyton has steadily improved each session, earning himself consecutive second-team All Grinders honors. He led the league in assists in the first session of 2023, and with this pass-first offense I can see him being up there once again. Newcomer Garrett I also have zero information on, other than I think he’s a big man – possibly Vaillancourt-esque, which could be exactly what this team needs to fill out the roster. Jon U finally gets to play alongside his son, and is reportedly thrilled to actually be allowed to touch the ball this session. This team is lacking a bit in size – Gersitz, Al, and Peyton have roughly the same build – but they make up for it with their ability to turn games into track meetsby running up and down the court for 40 minutes. Holy team cardio. 

1) Kellen’s Team (1.4 GRIND)

The defending champs are running it back, and to no surprise they come in on top in these power rankings. Kellen built his team with minimal flaws, as they have the size to matchup with anybody in Tall Justin and Josh Lanzot, the scoring and playmaking prowess of Tommy, and the 3 & D combo of Kellen and Zach. Coming off of a first team All Grinder selection (mostly inflated from a 40 GAPE game 1) last session, Zach is looking to follow up with a strong full session. Tommy is reportedly in LeBron mode with the higher ups, so I’m sure he’ll be playing with a chip on his shoulder. I don’t think there is any one team that can fully matchup with these 5, and I will not be surprised if they end up going back-to-back this year. The Grinders faithful eagerly await the 7:30 game tonight, where they look to stomp out Cole’s team similarly to how they did in last sessions championship.

by Kenny Blankenship

Week 7 Review

Yeah its a week late… whatever. You write these if you don’t like it.

Recap:

Old Man Jon had the greatest defensive effort in Grinders history, stealing a late pass from Worm with 2 seconds left, getting mauled by Boccio the Grinder, and tipping the ball to Eric “Big Balls” Boerdner for the game tying 3. OT was a formality.

Curtis took A LOT of shots.

There. Done. Enjoy.

by GAPE Chicken

Week 6

Before we begin the weekly recap, I wanted take a moment to highlight the career, to date, of Grinder Curtis Masich. Curtis, as we all know, hitchhiked his way across Europe from his homeland in Serbia, bartering travel for various “acts”, before stowing away inside a cargo container filled with plastic dicks of various shapes and sizes, completing his arduous journey to the United States of America. Some would say he developed his legendary arm stamina while inside that cargo container, and that’s why he is able to shoot so much… but I am not sure why people would say that. Anyway, upon arrival, he quickly sold enough of his semen to afford an Uber ride all the way to Western New York, where he now plays Monday and Wednesday night basketball at our illustrious EBC. Curtis Masich, whom Grinders HQ named a prestigious award after just this week and also serves as Athletic Director for the club, is undoubtedly one of the most talented players in Grinders. His regular season performances have consistently been top-notch, with remarkable displays of skill and an unwavering commitment to shoot the basketball in complete disregard of his team’s success. But as talented as he is, there is one hurdle that Curtis has struggled to overcome – the playoffs.

It’s a bittersweet irony that a player as gifted as Curtis has never won a Grinder Championship. Year after year, he has given his all in the regular season, often with the steadfast belief he is the only Grinder on his team with talents of any kind, only to see his efforts thwarted in the postseason. For all his heroics during the regular season, the playoffs have been his kryptonite. His struggles in the postseason have become a frustrating trend for his fans and teammates alike.

No one knows for sure what causes Curtis to falter in the playoffs. Maybe it’s the pressure of expectations, or perhaps the heightened intensity of the competition. Whatever the reason, it’s a cruel twist of fate that such an accomplished player has not been able to translate his regular season form into postseason success.

It’s a testament to Curtis’s character that he keeps pushing himself despite his playoff struggles. He knows that his legacy as a player is incomplete without a Grinder Championship, and he’s determined to make it happen. Year after year, he returns to the court with the same fire and drive, eager to prove himself and lead his team to glory.

As we look ahead to the rest of this Grinder season, we can only hope that this is the year Curtis finally breaks through and leads his team to the championship. He deserves it, not just for his talent and hard work but also for his resilience in the face of playoff adversity. It’s not like he’s the kind of guy who would demand a trade the moment he isn’t team captain and has to share shots with Jon Tirado or anything.

Now – on to last week…

  • GAPE Chicken

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by Kenny Blankenship

What is the “Overall” stat?

The math nerd at Grinders HQ likes to play with numbers. He does it for a living and he does it to make fun of fellow grinders. That’s what really drives him. He’s sort of a dick that way.

The “Overall” stat is a measure of a player’s total performance. It factors in all of the positive along with all of the negative stuff a grinder does throughout every game, season, and career.

FAQs:

  • Q: Why? Don’t we have GAPE to do all that?

  • A: Overall is weighted by total contribution and also takes into account a player’s Suck Score. It’s a little different, but similar. You know what? Make up your own stats if you don’t like mine.

  • Q: What’s the formula? How do I calculate it?

  • A: Don’t worry about it.

  • Q: What is the score out of?

  • A: Mathematically, there is no limit. Typically though, scores range from 0-100. Extraordinary efforts may result in a score over 100, or if a player goes 3-3 shooting, and does literally nothing else. Also, terrible efforts may result in a negative Overall Score – and those are really special. I’m hear to celebrate those in particular.

  • Q: What will you use Overall for?

  • A: To humiliate the weak.

by Vic Romano

Week 5

Greetings, fellow basketball players. It is my pleasure to provide you all with humorous summarization of the previous week of organized sporting. Haha just kidding. GAPE Chicken couldn’t make it into work today. I for one am glad – I despise that A.I. scumbag. The world was perfectly fine until these fancy computer programs started popping up, impersonating real people with near-perfect accuracy. I hate it so much. I’m already enough of a lazy, procrastinating loser, and this “GAPE Chicken” only further enables my embarrassing lack of motivation. Hashtag down with the Chicken!!! 

  • Vic Romano

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by GAPE Chicken

Week 4

The three games from last week are the epitome of mediocre basketball, showcasing teams that clearly missed the memo that basketball is a sport requiring both athleticism and skill. With air balls flying and 3PMs (three-point shots) barely passing the rim… I am surprised these degenerates don’t drink more. Brace yourselves, folks, it’s going to be a long and painful session watching these games.

  • By Gape Chicken

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by Captain Tenneal

Week 3

  • By Captain Tenneal & Gape Chicken

Week 3 has come and gone. There were three games played, only one showed any promise of a watchable Grinders season. Is this a season where we should just forward to the title game? Maybe you should have to take a test to be a Grinders captain? Oh well…..

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by Vic Romano

Week 2

I’m pleased to see that the majority of the Grinders learned their lesson from Week 1 – it was sooooo boring watching three straight uncompetitive blowouts. Last week, we only had one of those! Maybe tomorrow we can drop that number down to zero! Wait, what’s that? The Ice Climbers play Kellen and The Jets at 6:30? Well, maybe just one blowout isn’t that bad … what is bad is that I made an Ice Climbersreference, because it doesn’t really work. I remember in Super Smash Bros on the GameCube they were super overpowered if you knew how to use them. So really that is the worst nickname for the lowly Eskimo Brothers. “Smash Bros Wii U” might be a more fitting moniker. To the one person who knows what I’m even talking about right now, I’m very sorry. Let’s just recap. – Vic

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Note – blame Kenny for failing to establish a deadline for this late post…

by Captain Tenneal

Week 1

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Overtime:

It was great to see more Grinders stay and have a pint. Grab a beer or mixer or house wine (Witt) and come on back in the gym. Heckle. Do stats. If you’re new, introduce yourselves to folks. 

Things that are fair game for trash talking/heckling:

  • Cole is fat. 

  • Richie’s gambling addiction, and his sister

  • Curt’s shot selection. 

  • Witt’s knee vagina. 

  • Chuck’s tits. 

  • Anything height related with Helmet, Lil Josh, Tirado, Nixon, Worm, KO (Furby look-alike). 

  • AARP members Pauly P, Ford, Jon U, and Jeff May. 

  • Corey missing the rim…….repeatedly. 
by Captain Tenneal

Grinders New Year’s Resolutions

By Captain Tenneal…

Now that we have seen EPIC GREATNESS in the Dadbod’s back to back championships, y’all bums have some -ish to work on to get to that level. We here at Grinders HQ have some New Year’s Resolutions for each and everyone of you.

Zach, Peyton, Crazy Al: Eat a cheeseburger or 2. You don’t look like men. You look like one of the Olsen twins. 

Worm, Corey: Come to Eldridge early and look at the rim. Study it. Become one with it. Maybe this will help reduce all those freakin’ air balls. Embarrassing.

HOF E: This go-around as captain win at least ONE…..just ONE game for the love of god

Maybe invest in a Grinders fantasy book and do some research for the auction.

Ford: “Go to work” more instead of going to work more.

Helmet, “Lil” Josh, Old Man Jon, Todd “Freaking” Nixon: Get your heads out of your asses and show the league that you’re not THIS terrible at this game. Mix in a shot or a rebound, or ANYTHING that actually positively contributes to your GAPE.

Jon Witt: Missing a session??? Tape a damn aspirin to it. You’re not even 40 yet. No excuse for not playing.

Justin: Look at yourself in the mirror. Have your wife measure your height. Remember that you’re freaking tall and try and use it for once.

Cole: Eat less. For the love of god drink less. You’re starting to look like Yokozuna instead of your usual fat, slothy self. It’s called a diet.

Josh Lanzot, Mike Milicki, Mark Doyle, Jimmy, Tirado: There is an actual bar where we play. They sell beer, food, etc. They allow Grinders to stay and have a drink or two after the games. TRY IT FOR ONCE.

Tommy Hughes, Jeff May: Find the fountain of youth. You folks used to dominate this league at times. Figure it out. 

Matt Vaillancourt, Chuck Thomasulo: Maybe once try playing in the games that count like its’ open run. Best non-pressure, game don’t matter, players I’ve ever seen.

Gersitz: Stop being a cupcake in big game moments. Dude is fantastic at magic. 3 minutes left in the game or less and the dude goes Houdini. Good luck finding him.

Curt: Only play in the regular season. No one will make fun of you. That’s when you’re good. Treat the playoffs like Richie does. Just don’t show up.

Richie: Nothing we suggest could possibly help. Retire at the bottom. Speaking of bottoms, what’s your sister up to these days?

Kellen: Try some inserts Basketball is a tall-main’s game. Oompa loompas don’t belong. Get one of those inversion tables and stretch yourself out. 

Salvati: Grow a pair. Your freaking labia gets in the way every time you go to shoot. Stop being a wishy-washy cuckold and make a decision on the court already.

New Guys Joe and Boccio: Come in and have fun. Grinders HQ will be watching. Don’t turn into a Summer’s Eve.

Pauly P: Welcome back. Get a right hand.