Category: Weekly Reviews

10/18/202312/05/2023 by The Beat Writer Staff

Week 3 Review

In Week 3, Grinders had the pleasure of watching two Polish guys and one Crazy guy dismantle the reigning champions, elbows get thrown, numerous injuries, and Team Jeff May actually get a chance to play. Oh and there was some sort of tussle or something. Enjoy this week’s recaps written with help of Vic Romano and GAPE Chicken.

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/11/2023	6:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


GersitzKO 10/11/2023 58 - 40 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Gersitz	2	2	28	58	0.483	27	13	12	0	5	70	58	Win
KO	6	4	18	49	0.367	24	9	3	2	10	28	40	Loss

This week kicked off with was supposed to be, according to beat reporter Vic, a lopsided game between the reigning Grinder’s Champions, Kellen and The Jets taking on Team “Life on the DL” Gersitz. And indeed… it was – just not in the manner anyone expected.

Team KO came out strong, but quickly faded as Father Time had his way with team captain, Kellen. A non-contact injury to his knee while chasing a loose ball ended the captain’s night, but not before he fired up 11 shots, missing 8 and earning a -1 GAPE. Defensive stalwart Zach Newberry was nursing an injury of his own and was expecting to play only a few minutes each half. Unfortunately he was forced to hobble his way through all but a few minutes – and honestly was the only one on his team who showed any spirit in the games final minutes. Tall Justin was left gasping for air, and had a double-double (13/10). Josh Lanzot did his normal Josh things – and managed to bulldoze his way to one of the Guys of the Week on 54.5% shooting. Tommy contributed nearly nothing to his team’s efforts, but did turn the ball over 3 times and led his team in whining about lack of fouls called against him (this beat writer is not surprised by any of that, are you?).

Team Gersitz played shorthanded from the start, while their team captain (Captain? Coach? General manager?) remains on the DL. New guy Garrett and Mike “Worm” Benjamin were out, leaving Al, Peyton, and Old Man Jon to handle things. Boy, did they handle things. The ferocious zone defense held shooters Tommy and KO to under 30% each. Meanwhile, shooting a combined 48.3% as a team, Peyton scored 22, Al scored 20, and Old Man Jon rounded out a balanced offense with an 18 GAPE and a double-double of his own (11/11). Team sub Chris “Alphabet” Cole facilitated things with 7 assists and stole several rebounds from Old Man Jon, because he is a bully. You know you’re in for a long night when Old Man Jon is making layups and draining threes. Al and Peyton ran laps around KOs defenders, who banked on their zone defense when maybe they should have all just sat in the Grinders Ice Bath instead. (Hey, AD – get on that).

Gersitz

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Al Derrico	0	0	10	22	0.455	0.455	0	5	0	2	0	5.7	15	65.0
Jon Urbaniak	0	1	5	11	0.455	0.500	0	11	1	4	2	11.7	19	65.2
Peyton Urbaniak	2	0	11	22	0.500	0.500	0	2	5	4	2	8.7	18	64.2
Sub	0	1	2	3	0.667	0.833	0	9	7	2	1	7.0	21	54.3
Total	2	2	28	58	0.483	0.500	58	27	13	12	5	33.0	73	117.6

KO

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Josh Lanzot	2	0	6	11	0.545	0.545	0	9	3	0	0	2	3.0	15	61.7
Justin Rybinski	1	1	6	16	0.375	0.406	0	10	0	0	1	0	5.3	13	54.2
Kellen Owen	1	2	3	11	0.273	0.364	0	1	0	0	0	1	0.3	-1	29.8
Tommy Hughes	2	1	2	9	0.222	0.278	0	3	3	3	0	3	7.0	2	23.4
Zach Newberry	0	0	1	2	0.500	0.500	0	1	3	0	1	4	2.3	2	20.2
Total	6	4	18	49	0.367	0.408	40	24	9	3	2	10	18.0	31	60.2

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/11/2023	7:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


Jeff MayCurtis 10/11/2023 48 - 53 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Jeff May	2	2	23	61	0.377	27	10	9	2	8	41	48	Loss
Curtis	2	5	24	52	0.462	34	15	5	5	12	70	53	Win

The “gentlemanly” game began with both teams playing… respectfully? Team Jeff May’s star player, Jeff May, was on fire, scoring on 7 out of 16 field goals. However, Team Curtis came strong with Curtis Masich leading the charge. He scored 12 out of 22 field goals. Despite Jeff May’s best efforts, Team Curtis managed to hold on to their lead and win the game 53-48.

Curtis Masich was the standout player of the game, scoring 28 points and leading his team to victory. Ben Sears also played well for Curtis, scoring 15 points and contributing 5 assists. Joe Marie didn’t wear glasses. For Jeff May, Jeff May was the top scorer with 15 points and Bryant The Grinder contributed 13 points, despite being hampered by a sudden illness.

This game had fans!

Jeff May

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Bryant The Grinder	1	1	6	16	0.375	0.406	0	1	0	0	0	1	0.3	2	40.9
Jeff May	1	1	7	16	0.438	0.469	0	7	2	0	0	3	2.3	11	51.0
Mike Salvati	0	0	4	9	0.444	0.444	0	7	4	3	0	1	8.3	16	66.0
Paul Palumbo	0	0	3	7	0.429	0.429	0	10	1	3	2	2	13.3	16	60.4
Todd Nixon	0	0	3	13	0.231	0.231	0	2	3	3	0	1	6.7	3	31.6
Total	2	2	23	61	0.377	0.393	48	27	10	9	2	8	31.0	48	81.8

Curtis

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Ben Sears	2	1	7	12	0.583	0.625	0	3	5	3	1	2	9.0	18	68.0
Curtis Masich	0	4	12	22	0.545	0.636	0	10	2	1	2	3	9.3	30	82.0
Joe Marie	0	0	1	9	0.111	0.111	0	9	3	0	1	2	5.0	5	23.2
Josh Morcelle	0	0	1	2	0.500	0.500	0	2	1	0	1	1	2.7	4	29.0
Mike Boccio	0	0	3	7	0.429	0.429	0	10	4	1	0	4	5.3	13	49.4
Total	2	5	24	52	0.462	0.510	53	34	15	5	5	12	31.3	70	107.9

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
10/11/2023	8:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


JimmyCole 10/11/2023 46 - 51 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Jimmy	2	2	22	65	0.338	31	3	5	1	8	31	46	Loss
Cole	3	5	23	64	0.359	32	8	4	1	2	47	51	Win

Slimmy Jimmys vs. Chuck in my Cole

Tied for closest game of the night, Team Cole was carried by their captain to a victory over MVP Jimmy and co. Instrumental to this feat was holding the man himself to “only” 18 points and a 13 GAPE. Cole posted a 19 point, 15 rebound effort and led his team in GAPE with 23. Both teams kind of struggled from the field, neither shooting over 40%. The only other guy from team Jimbo was the workhorse Ford, who chipped in 10 points, 9 boards and absolutely nothing else. Better than Helmet, who LITERALLY had 1 block as his only stat. It got the crowd fired up, but clearly did not have the same effect for him or his teammates. HOF Eric Boerdner had another respectable showing with 11 points on a higher-than-anticipated shooting percentage. Matt Kieta was once again the topic of conversation concerning fouls, as he vehemently disagreed with a pretty blatant carry. Perhaps this threw him off his game, as he shot 3/14 for 7 points. His frustration boiled over as he threw an elbow from hell that clocked poor Peyton and gave him a black eye. Luckily this guy hasn’t made any sort of reputation for himself as a habitual hack, so I’m sure this was just an accidental incident… Jokes aside, we hope that hip heals up quick, Keets. Chuck played his signature game, shooting 23% from the field but attributed some clutch 3 balls late in the game. Wayne had a similar stat line with 12 points and 5 rebounds of his own. Sub Peyton battled through 7 different injuries and donated a generous 16 GAPE, shooting 44% with a mystery three pointer I don’t remember ever seeing. Did someone accidentally count an air ball as a bucket?

Jimmy

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Eric Boerdner	0	1	5	14	0.357	0.393	0	4	1	0	0	1	1.3	6	46.0
Jimmy Zeitz	0	0	9	22	0.409	0.409	0	8	1	4	0	5	10.7	13	50.0
Justin Gerardi	2	0	0	2	0.000	0.000	0	0	0	0	1	0	2.0	-3	8.1
Matt Kieta	0	1	3	14	0.214	0.250	0	10	1	1	0	2	5.3	6	31.0
Mike Ford	0	0	5	13	0.385	0.385	0	9	0	0	0	0	3.0	11	57.2
Total	2	2	22	65	0.338	0.354	46	31	3	5	1	8	22.3	33	63.7

Cole

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Chris Cole	1	1	9	19	0.474	0.500	0	15	3	0	1	2	7.0	25	70.5
Chuck Thomasulo	0	3	4	17	0.235	0.324	0	5	2	1	0	0	3.7	6	35.4
Wayne Haynes	2	0	6	19	0.316	0.316	0	5	1	0	0	0	1.7	3	36.3
Sub	0	1	4	9	0.444	0.500	0	7	2	3	0	0	8.3	16	71.6
Total	3	5	23	64	0.359	0.398	51	32	8	4	1	2	20.7	50	84.8

10/03/2023 by Captain Tenneal

Week 1 Recap

Week 1 has come and gone, getting a new Grinders session underway. This beat writer was looking forward to the game-by-game previews that were supposed to come out, but alas………..

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
09/27/2023	6:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


JimmyCurtis 09/27/2023 58 - 56 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Jimmy	3	2	28	69	0.406	36	19	9	4	9	67	58	Win
Curtis	5	4	26	69	0.377	37	10	5	3	12	50	56	Loss

The MVP vs the most heckled. Jimmy’s well-drafted, meticulously crafted team vs Curt’s “I’ll just throw $$$ at anyone and win” squad of hired goons. For that lopsided look at how they drafted, the game played out much closer than most prognosticators thought.

AD Curt was much more efficient on offense shooting 41% en route to a double-double and a game-high 24 points. This team was still looking for ball movement though. It seemed to be a little too much one pass and up offense….which plays right into Ben “Ghost” Sears’ hands. The “Human Hesi” was back in action after 17 different hiatus’. After showing strong in open run, Ben continued his quality play going 8/19 and chipping in 7 rebounds with 4 assists. Lil Josh found his shooting touch going 3/6, chipping in everywhere else, and having TRIPLE (6vs2) the GAPE of First Ballot HOF Boerdner. Well done Josh. Joe “Sweatsock” Marie was grinding down low most of the game, pounding the glass with a game high 16 boards. Joe also held down Mike “Go to Work” Ford to only 9 shots. Apparently the punch clock was busted.

Team MVP….I mean Team Jimmy looked just like you would expect. The team would defer to Jimmy and take what he created for them……all except new guy Matt “Foul?” Kieta. Kieta walked into the league like it was LA Fitness or something and jacked-up every shot he saw, much to the chagrin of some of his teammates. However, “Keets” did score 16 points on 35% shooting. Not too bad for your debut in Grinders. E looked like he was still heart-broken from last year’s finals going 6/19 and settling for mostly jump shots. Speaking of settling, Ford came back to Grinders from vacation or a work trip, and settled for 9 shots, allowing Jimmy to “go to work” for him. Ford did grab 12 boards and record 3 blocks. MVP Jimmy did “go to work” with a massively efficient triple-double, recording a 40 GAPE. Jimmy had a 24/11/11 stat line on only 18 shots. Gersitz eat your heart out. When Jimmy wasn’t creating for himself, he was getting open shots for his teammates off of the double-teams he created.

Some interesting game notes:
1. Dear Kieta. It is ok to call a foul on yourself. If someone calls a foul on you, don’t bitch about it. We watched. You hack.
2. A very interesting play call to have Joe Marie shoot the game winner instead of AD Curt. Must’ve been a hunch like Kukoc instead of Scottie…..except Kukoc made it.
3. It was great to see Lil Josh more aggressive and taking open shots.
4. Welcome back Ben. I hope it lasts…..honestly.

Jimmy

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Eric Boerdner	1	0	6	19	0.316	0.316	12	6	3	0	0	3	2.0	4	34.4
Jimmy Zeitz	0	2	11	18	0.611	0.667	24	11	11	5	0	4	13.7	40	94.5
Matt Kieta	0	0	8	23	0.348	0.348	16	7	2	3	1	2	10.3	12	48.0
Mike Ford	2	0	3	9	0.333	0.333	6	12	3	1	3	0	12.0	17	53.4
Total	3	2	28	69	0.406	0.420	58	36	19	9	4	9	38.0	73	108.8

Curtis

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Ben Sears	4	0	8	19	0.421	0.421	16	7	4	0	0	6	2.3	6	37.0
Curtis Masich	0	4	10	24	0.417	0.500	24	10	2	2	1	2	9.3	23	65.3
Joe Marie	0	0	5	20	0.250	0.250	10	16	3	2	1	1	11.3	16	44.6
Josh Morcelle	1	0	3	6	0.500	0.500	6	4	1	1	1	3	5.3	6	46.0
Total	5	4	26	69	0.377	0.406	56	37	10	5	3	12	28.3	51	82.4

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
09/27/2023	7:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


KO Cole 09/27/2023 61 - 51 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
KO	2	3	29	67	0.433	29	7	3	0	3	54	61	Win
Cole	2	9	21	67	0.313	36	10	1	2	5	43	51	Loss

The reigning, defending, undisputed champs come out of the shoot week 1 versus league villain Cole. KO was missing Lanzot and Newberry, and got Crazy Al to sub. C&D was missing Wayne and Richie and replaced them with 1st Ballot HOF Boerdner. Normally in a Cole v Hughes game the sideline can expect to see fireworks. This game, not so much.

Kellen and the rest of the Jets had a very effective offensive game plan. They used Tall Justin down on the block to get point blank looks. When he couldn’t get down there on his own, they screened for him to get into position. That my friends is some high level Grinders basketball. Tall Justin went for 25/9 on 52% shooting, and was the answer for every C&D run. Tantrumming Tommy was more like Triumphant Tommy. Mr. Hughes was extremely effective in scoring and running the Jets offense. He had a game high 26 points on 52% shooting to go along with a team high 11 rebounds. He used screens effectively to shoot 3’s and got out on the break for some easy buckets. Captain Kellen had a poor shooting game, but also directed the offense well, screened, and was a PITA on defense. Crazy Al was his usual athletic annoyance running around everywhere and getting to loose balls.

Chuck and Duck was missing 2 big parts of their team, but got HOF E to sub. The strategy of captain Cole to spread the court and take open jump shots failed miserably in its first game. Chuck “3 for $1” Thomasulo shot 2/16 and generally looked out of rhythm. He did however, harass Crazy Al all game, holding him to 3/8 shooting. “Bang Bang” Tirado was a little better, going 4/12for 11 points and adding in 9 rebounds. He also did a masterful job in locking Kellen down and holding him to a -4 GAPE. E gave a great effort defensively but was a little undersized guarding Justin. Maybe it affected his shooting (4/16 – 9 points) or maybe it was playing back-to-back. Either way E struggled but not for lack of effort. Everytime I looked Cole was bricking another layup like he was Lil Cuz. I have no idea how he had 25 points??? Cole did have a game high 33 GAPE and seemed to be the only consistency in the C&D offense.

Things from the game:
1. Tommy returned to MVPish form.
2. Tall Justin is a pain to stop when he’s not playing like Small Justin.
3. C&D was up 25-17 late in the first half. They got to 32 with like 11 minutes left in the game. Ouch
4. Rumors swirl that Cole was so furious with their performance that he made the team forfeit in Week 2.
5. When will we see Wayne? When will we see Richie? Is Triado’s child already taller?

KO

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Justin Rybinski	1	1	12	23	0.522	0.543	0	9	1	0	0	3.0	23	77.2
Kellen Owen	0	0	2	13	0.154	0.154	0	3	2	0	1	1.0	-3	18.4
Tommy Hughes	1	2	12	23	0.522	0.565	0	11	3	1	2	5.7	27	77.0
Sub	0	0	3	8	0.375	0.375	0	6	1	2	0	6.0	10	60.0
Total	2	3	29	67	0.433	0.455	61	29	7	3	3	15.7	57	98.7

Cole

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Chris Cole	0	3	11	23	0.478	0.543	0	17	4	0	2	1	9.7	35	85.0
Chuck Thomasulo	2	2	2	16	0.125	0.188	0	4	2	0	0	2	1.3	-6	9.0
Jon Tirado	0	3	4	12	0.333	0.458	0	9	1	0	0	1	3.0	12	50.5
Sub	0	1	4	16	0.250	0.281	0	6	3	1	0	1	4.0	6	35.4
Total	2	9	21	67	0.313	0.381	51	36	10	1	2	5	18.0	47	76.7

03/02/2023 by Kenny Blankenship

Week 7 Review

Yeah its a week late… whatever. You write these if you don’t like it.

Recap:

Old Man Jon had the greatest defensive effort in Grinders history, stealing a late pass from Worm with 2 seconds left, getting mauled by Boccio the Grinder, and tipping the ball to Eric “Big Balls” Boerdner for the game tying 3. OT was a formality.

Curtis took A LOT of shots.

There. Done. Enjoy.

02/21/2023 by GAPE Chicken

Week 6

Before we begin the weekly recap, I wanted take a moment to highlight the career, to date, of Grinder Curtis Masich. Curtis, as we all know, hitchhiked his way across Europe from his homeland in Serbia, bartering travel for various “acts”, before stowing away inside a cargo container filled with plastic dicks of various shapes and sizes, completing his arduous journey to the United States of America. Some would say he developed his legendary arm stamina while inside that cargo container, and that’s why he is able to shoot so much… but I am not sure why people would say that. Anyway, upon arrival, he quickly sold enough of his semen to afford an Uber ride all the way to Western New York, where he now plays Monday and Wednesday night basketball at our illustrious EBC. Curtis Masich, whom Grinders HQ named a prestigious award after just this week and also serves as Athletic Director for the club, is undoubtedly one of the most talented players in Grinders. His regular season performances have consistently been top-notch, with remarkable displays of skill and an unwavering commitment to shoot the basketball in complete disregard of his team’s success. But as talented as he is, there is one hurdle that Curtis has struggled to overcome – the playoffs.

It’s a bittersweet irony that a player as gifted as Curtis has never won a Grinder Championship. Year after year, he has given his all in the regular season, often with the steadfast belief he is the only Grinder on his team with talents of any kind, only to see his efforts thwarted in the postseason. For all his heroics during the regular season, the playoffs have been his kryptonite. His struggles in the postseason have become a frustrating trend for his fans and teammates alike.

No one knows for sure what causes Curtis to falter in the playoffs. Maybe it’s the pressure of expectations, or perhaps the heightened intensity of the competition. Whatever the reason, it’s a cruel twist of fate that such an accomplished player has not been able to translate his regular season form into postseason success.

It’s a testament to Curtis’s character that he keeps pushing himself despite his playoff struggles. He knows that his legacy as a player is incomplete without a Grinder Championship, and he’s determined to make it happen. Year after year, he returns to the court with the same fire and drive, eager to prove himself and lead his team to glory.

As we look ahead to the rest of this Grinder season, we can only hope that this is the year Curtis finally breaks through and leads his team to the championship. He deserves it, not just for his talent and hard work but also for his resilience in the face of playoff adversity. It’s not like he’s the kind of guy who would demand a trade the moment he isn’t team captain and has to share shots with Jon Tirado or anything.

Now – on to last week…

GAPE Chicken

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02/12/2023 by Vic Romano

Week 5

Greetings, fellow basketball players. It is my pleasure to provide you all with humorous summarization of the previous week of organized sporting. Haha just kidding. GAPE Chicken couldn’t make it into work today. I for one am glad – I despise that A.I. scumbag. The world was perfectly fine until these fancy computer programs started popping up, impersonating real people with near-perfect accuracy. I hate it so much. I’m already enough of a lazy, procrastinating loser, and this “GAPE Chicken” only further enables my embarrassing lack of motivation. Hashtag down with the Chicken!!!

Vic Romano

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02/07/2023 by GAPE Chicken

Week 4

The three games from last week are the epitome of mediocre basketball, showcasing teams that clearly missed the memo that basketball is a sport requiring both athleticism and skill. With air balls flying and 3PMs (three-point shots) barely passing the rim… I am surprised these degenerates don’t drink more. Brace yourselves, folks, it’s going to be a long and painful session watching these games.

By Gape Chicken

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01/31/2023 by Captain Tenneal

Week 3

By Captain Tenneal & Gape Chicken

Week 3 has come and gone. There were three games played, only one showed any promise of a watchable Grinders season. Is this a season where we should just forward to the title game? Maybe you should have to take a test to be a Grinders captain? Oh well…..

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01/25/2023 by Vic Romano

Week 2

I’m pleased to see that the majority of the Grinders learned their lesson from Week 1 – it was sooooo boring watching three straight uncompetitive blowouts. Last week, we only had one of those! Maybe tomorrow we can drop that number down to zero! Wait, what’s that? The Ice Climbers play Kellen and The Jets at 6:30? Well, maybe just one blowout isn’t that bad … what is bad is that I made an Ice Climbersreference, because it doesn’t really work. I remember in Super Smash Bros on the GameCube they were super overpowered if you knew how to use them. So really that is the worst nickname for the lowly Eskimo Brothers. “Smash Bros Wii U” might be a more fitting moniker. To the one person who knows what I’m even talking about right now, I’m very sorry. Let’s just recap. – Vic

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Note – blame Kenny for failing to establish a deadline for this late post…

01/17/2023 by Captain Tenneal

Week 1

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Overtime:

It was great to see more Grinders stay and have a pint. Grab a beer or mixer or house wine (Witt) and come on back in the gym. Heckle. Do stats. If you’re new, introduce yourselves to folks.

Things that are fair game for trash talking/heckling:

Cole is fat.

Richie’s gambling addiction, and his sister

Curt’s shot selection.

Witt’s knee vagina.

Chuck’s tits.

Anything height related with Helmet, Lil Josh, Tirado, Nixon, Worm, KO (Furby look-alike).

AARP members Pauly P, Ford, Jon U, and Jeff May.

Corey missing the rim…….repeatedly.

01/09/2023 by Captain Tenneal

Grinders New Year’s Resolutions

By Captain Tenneal…

Now that we have seen EPIC GREATNESS in the Dadbod’s back to back championships, y’all bums have some -ish to work on to get to that level. We here at Grinders HQ have some New Year’s Resolutions for each and everyone of you.

Zach, Peyton, Crazy Al: Eat a cheeseburger or 2. You don’t look like men. You look like one of the Olsen twins.

Worm, Corey: Come to Eldridge early and look at the rim. Study it. Become one with it. Maybe this will help reduce all those freakin’ air balls. Embarrassing.

HOF E: This go-around as captain win at least ONE…..just ONE game for the love of god

Maybe invest in a Grinders fantasy book and do some research for the auction.

Ford: “Go to work” more instead of going to work more.

Helmet, “Lil” Josh, Old Man Jon, Todd “Freaking” Nixon: Get your heads out of your asses and show the league that you’re not THIS terrible at this game. Mix in a shot or a rebound, or ANYTHING that actually positively contributes to your GAPE.

Jon Witt: Missing a session??? Tape a damn aspirin to it. You’re not even 40 yet. No excuse for not playing.

Justin: Look at yourself in the mirror. Have your wife measure your height. Remember that you’re freaking tall and try and use it for once.

Cole: Eat less. For the love of god drink less. You’re starting to look like Yokozuna instead of your usual fat, slothy self. It’s called a diet.

Josh Lanzot, Mike Milicki, Mark Doyle, Jimmy, Tirado: There is an actual bar where we play. They sell beer, food, etc. They allow Grinders to stay and have a drink or two after the games. TRY IT FOR ONCE.

Tommy Hughes, Jeff May: Find the fountain of youth. You folks used to dominate this league at times. Figure it out.

Matt Vaillancourt, Chuck Thomasulo: Maybe once try playing in the games that count like its’ open run. Best non-pressure, game don’t matter, players I’ve ever seen.

Gersitz: Stop being a cupcake in big game moments. Dude is fantastic at magic. 3 minutes left in the game or less and the dude goes Houdini. Good luck finding him.

Curt: Only play in the regular season. No one will make fun of you. That’s when you’re good. Treat the playoffs like Richie does. Just don’t show up.

Richie: Nothing we suggest could possibly help. Retire at the bottom. Speaking of bottoms, what’s your sister up to these days?

Kellen: Try some inserts Basketball is a tall-main’s game. Oompa loompas don’t belong. Get one of those inversion tables and stretch yourself out.

Salvati: Grow a pair. Your freaking labia gets in the way every time you go to shoot. Stop being a wishy-washy cuckold and make a decision on the court already.

New Guys Joe and Boccio: Come in and have fun. Grinders HQ will be watching. Don’t turn into a Summer’s Eve.

Pauly P: Welcome back. Get a right hand.

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Gersitz

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Jimmy

Cole

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Jimmy

Curtis

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KO

Cole

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