After a controversial ending and the ensuing chaos, we finally got a chance to see the finals for the forfeit-riddled Winter session of 2023. It came down to the 1-seed Gersitz vs the 3-seed Cole.

Team Gersitz started hot, jumping out to a ten-point lead at the half, but failed to play any defense in the second half. Instead, they elected to allow Team Cole to shoot uncontested threes, like a bunch of carnies charging $3 for 5 shots at the basket. I suppose that makes sense because Team Gersitz did have a miserable night shooting eight-team airballs. I guess they had to collect that money back somehow. Overall, they were led by a solid effort from newcomer Garrett, who had 16 points and 10 rebounds, and from Crazy Al (16 points).

Team Cole drained 9 three pointers (majority in the second half) to complete their comeback and take home the title. Wayne and Richie took turns pulling a Ford, claiming devastating injuries only to return heroically and help their team. Cole was the key cog though in all this mess as he was all over the court to the tune of 16 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists. In the end, Richie finally won a big boy title on the back of his nemesis and a DadBod, Chris Cole. All the years of allowing Cole to have his way with his sister finally came full circle and paid off. She may be the big winner in all of this as she no longer has to say “is it in yet” on a nightly basis.

Congrats to the champs may your title reign be short and sucky….long live the DadBods!

The Rumble at Eldridge! Don’t get it twisted, there were fireworks way before the infamous postgame incident. This one was some top tier back-and-forth action, and everyone from both teams gave it their all. Tall Justin was tall and such, leading his team with 17 points and 4 blocks. Surprisingly, Zach and sub Pauly P (who allowed the real MVP to sub in the playoffs?) led the Jettas in GAPE, both posting 19. Zach took advantage of the defense and shot 60% from the field. The highly outspoken Tommy Hughes managed 12 points of his own, despite being blocked twice (don’t care what the stats say) by one of those damn youngin’s he looooves so much. Everyone for Kellen’s team played good all around ball, all scoring in double digits, all amounting 8+ rebounds, and everyone was above 10 GAPE. Some would say they deserved this win based on their play! What ever could have occurred that prevented them from reaching the finals?

You guessed it – Mike mothafuckin Benjamin made it rain late with some clutch 3’s that gave Gersitz’s squad just enough cushion to squeak by. Squeaky clean!! Gersitz appeared to have actually put forth an effort this game, and whaddaya know he had 25 GAPE and shot 67%. GarMatt VailBeesing continued his solid Grinders debut season with 15 points 9 boards and 4 assists – and he actually did look like Vaillancourt when he went for an open layup with about 10 seconds left and smoked it. Luckily some crafty defense prevented KO’s team from capitalizing. Young Peyton was all over the stat sheet, laying down an 8/4/4 line with a steal and 2 (shut up it was 2) blocks. I’m pretty sure every make he had was some ridiculous acrobatic layup – and every miss was a wide open look. Al struggled only shooting 2/9, and honestly didn’t do much else – if he had knocked down even a couple of those signature baseline jumpers this game may not have been nearly this close.

The main event of this battle though was the literal battle that occurred in the closing seconds, when the KO’s pleaded for a jump ball as time expired, then decided they wanted a flagrant foul instead after some kind of entanglement between Worm and Zach. A couple of playful shoves and some kind exchange of pleasantries later, and the Jets conceded defeat*.

This game had all the makings of a classic semi-final grudge match. You had Curt vs Richie, a rematch of Shoulder Joe vs Freight Train Wayne, Cole vs Boccio (apparently they played football together or something), ‘Lil Hack…..I mean Josh vs Tirado, Chuck’s D vs Curt’s soft puss, Ben’s stiff arm vs Cole’s muffin top. Clearly this was going to be a clash for the ages………..

Someone forgot to tell these people that you need to score in order to win. I gotta tell ya, from my view from the cafeteria TV in San Quentin, it was awful. I’d rather have been the back pace car for a marathon for 90 year olds. Good lord this was boring to watch. He shoots. Clang. He shoots. Clank. He shoots. Air. How the hell did these 10 people sign up to play in a basketball league? Ugh.

Anyway, it seemed Team Curt was really only playing with Curt and a bunch of guys who were shooting with their eyes closed. Ben “Sears and Roebuck”, ‘Lil Josh, and Mike “Ball So Hard” Boccio all ended up on the Guys Who Tried Their Best list. There’s only 3 spots awarded and all 3 were taken up by 3 guys on the same team…..in the same game. Ouch. While Curt may have been wondering why his teammates were playing so badly, he has only himself to blame. He’s the one who arrogantly undervalued Richie and low-balled his bid for him, allowing Cole to swoop in at the last second and outbid him for his services. The rest of these guys – he drafted them of his own volition.

Early in the game Curt was employing the same strategy that led them to victory only a few weeks earlier. He played more of a facilitator role looking to get easy buckets for his teammates. This strategy worked, except the buckets weren’t going in. Boccio missed some early layups and Ben missed a few shots from close range. Curt turned to Joe to answer the call like he did earlier in the season vs Wayne. This time the well came up dry. Joe, Boccio, Ben, and “Lil Josh shot a combined 7/30 for the game.

The 3-seed Chuckers were also scoring deprived. Wayne (1/10) was having a hard time getting the ball to go in, as was Chucky T. (2/8). The score was 19-15 Chuck You at the half, after a small 4-0 run.

The second half started much better for Go Chuck Yourself. Richie “Always Take the Over” Creamer got it going driving past Ben and Boccio. Creamer (14/4 on 50% FG) led an early run to extend the lead to double digits. Jon “Bang Bang” Tirado continued his selfless team play. He constantly harassed the opposing ball handlers and took premium opportunities to score (9/5/2/1 on 67%FG). His scoring furthered the lead which never again got below double digits. Curt tried to get his team back in the game with his shooting, but to no avail. Curty finished with 17 points on 8/25 shooting. The Chuck’ets team harassed Curt the entire game, often picking him up full-court. As a team the Cowering Curts shot 27%. That won’t get it done in the playoffs.

PS: Cole continued to ride playoff coattails.

Ramifications of the outcome:
– Curt again comes up short in the playoffs. Should he be allowed to captain again?
– Richie advances to a championship game. Could he win his first big boy ring?
– Joe went 4/15. Will he concede that Wayne’s his daddy?