Team Who’s the Captain 67 vs Team Fredette 54

The leadup……. the most talented player in the league vs the best player (statistically) ever. It’s kind of a Kobe vs Duncan thing. This is one of those matchups you hope to see and hope everyone sticks around for.

The start of this game was back and forth. “First Ballot” Boerdner got off to a quick start for the Jimmies. E did his thing from 3 and also hit the throwback button and made some classic E driving layups through the defense. His efforts were countered by an incredibly aggressive Garrett Bee”sting”. Garrett (10/21, 24/10/5, 26 GAPE) pushed the tempo up and challenged the buffet-laden Jimmers to run up and down on both ends. This effort netted him some easy transition buckets and assists to “Crazy” Al Derrico (9/19, 18/8). When the tired “d” sagged off, Bee”sting” showed his range to the tune of (4) 3-pointers (mostly in Ford’s chin). The number 1 overall seed held an advantage through most of the later stages of the first-half.

Speaking of Ford, his jumper was drier than the Sahara in the beginning, but he eventually “went to work” on the block (7/19, 15/9), taunting Gersitz by hitting him with the “too small” hand gesture. Big G responded by stuffing a Ford layup just like he brags about stuffing Old Fashioneds down his yap. E’s offensive output cooled as the first half went on, becoming a forgotten man. It was during this time where MVP Jimmy started to pick up the pace for himself/team. When the rest of the offense came up a little dry, Jimmy went a bit hero-ball, looking more like Jimmy Harden than Jimmy buckets. He did have a game-high 27 GAPE (10/22, 22/11/5/4) but turned into a bit of a solo act. The sidelines could see Ford and E roll their eyes after each and every time Jimmy was more “The Professor” like.

As the second-half unfolded and the Jimmers closed the lead, “Big G.” Gersitz started to make an impact on the game, instead of merely sleepwalking through it. G (6/13, 12/12/3/1/2) got some easy layups against some shorter man-to-man defenders and when they backed up, hit some open jumpers. He was one Dikembe finger-wag on Ford away, from sending the crowd into a frenzy. The extra effort from “Big G.” and the pesky defense (on Jimmy) by Peyton “Skin and Bones” Urbaniak, allowed the top seed to pull away. E got hot late, but to no avail. The second-half run was high-lighted, and the dagger dropped, by none other than defacto captain “Old Man” Jon Urbaniak (3/8, 7/5/2). OMJ took a pass from his progeny and without hesitation, launched a 3-ball from the wing (immediately exclaiming, “It’s good!”). He was right. That “J” was wetter than Curt & Richie’s sisters on Nickel Night at the club. Rumors swirl that OMJ dropped his pants and did the helicopter facing the hapless Jimmer D, and walked off the court.

Fun Facts:

Justin “You People” Gerardi will be the FIRST Grinder in HISTORY to finish a season with more air balls that FG made. Damn!

Mike “Big G.” Gersitz would be the runaway favorite for all major end of year awards……if he played enough games to qualify.

Team Where’s Richie 43 vs Team Curtis 55

Team Cole came into this matchup needing a victory over Team Curtis to clinch 2nd place and a first round bye. They came out… and they tried their best. We think.

Cole’s squad was once again without Richie “Team Player” Creamer. One game back and Richard was already on another sabbatical. Captain Curtis, who went full-out Patrick Mahomes on draft day, is thinking he may have dodged a bullet. Wayne played a solid game – maybe his best of the season, pumping in 17/14/3 and 23 GAPE on the night. Tag teammate Christopher Cole put in a reasonable all-around performance too. He shot 40% from the floor, 12/8/3 and a respectable, albeit underachieving, 15 GAPE. This Beat Writer will have to verify with the GAPE Chicken – but I don’t think that is a very good GAPE/LBs ratio. We’ll get back to you on that one. Anyway, Team Cole really struggled with their number 3 and 4 guys. Airball Brothers Chuck and Johnny T shot a combined 6/32, converting only 2 from three-point range. Respectively, they finished with -4 and -3 GAPE. Way to ball out fellas.

Team Curt’s depth players really outplayed their Team Cole counterparts. Boccio, along with fellow role-players Little Josh and Curtis, combined for 10/23 on the night – out-scoring Tirado and Thomasulo 21-14. Those points really seemed to make the difference. Oh wait – no. Just kidding. They didn’t make the real difference in this one. In game that was closer than the final indicated… Joey “BANG-BANG” Marie went OFF. Nailing 3 after consecutive 3 at the end of the game, Joe single handedly gut-punched Team Cole by taking their 3 point lead and turning it into a 12 point lead in like 90 seconds. Then, he took himself out of the game – citing that he was tired of slaying and needed to rest for next week. Ben bounced back from a poor performance last week with a double-double (12/10) and a solid 13 GAPE. Curtis will try and brag that he had 7 assists… but when you have Joe Marie hitting uncontested shots on 57.9% EFG, do those assists really mean that much? Real Grinders know better. Keep working Curtis – you are so close to being in the league’s elite. The beat writers can almost taste it for you.

Fun Facts::

“The Spies Who Chucked Me” Chuck T and Jon T have a combined WaR of 0.07.

GAPE Chicken reports the aforementioned inquiry on Christopher Coles GAPE/LBs statistic is indeed, not great. GAPE Chicken also reminded the Beat Writers that it is against his programming to humiliate real people.

KO Outclasses Jeff May in Basketball Duel

In a basketball match between Team KO and Team Jeff May, the younger squad of KO emerged victorious with a final score of 56-42. This game showcased that age is indeed a number as KO’s energetic and agile players outperformed the more seasoned Jeff May team.

Key Players for KO:
* Josh Lanzot ($9): Lanzot’s all-around performance with 16 points, 12 rebounds, and 5 assists proved instrumental in KO’s success.

* Justin Rybinski ($12): Rybinski’s impressive 32 points, along with 12 rebounds, highlighted the youth and dynamism of KO.

* Tommy Hughes ($22): Hughes showcased precision with a perfect shooting record, adding 10 rebounds and 9 assists to KO’s dominating performance.

* Zach Newberry ($11): Newberry contributed with 6 points, 6 rebounds, and 5 assists, demonstrating the depth of KO’s not as old talent.

Challenges Faced by Jeff May’s Seasoned Lineup:

Despite the collective efforts of experienced players like Bryant The Grinder, Jeff May, Mike Salvati, and Paul Palumbo, Jeff May’s team struggled with offensive efficiency and defensive strategies. The game highlighted the difficulties faced by an older team when competing against a more agile and youthful opponent.

This victory cements KO’s status as a rising force in the league, proving that a team’s age doesn’t necessarily dictate its success on the court. Jeff May’s team, while seasoned and wise, will analyze this defeat as an opportunity for growth and strategic refinement in upcoming matchups.

Fun Fact:

Did you know GAPE Chicken, with his knack for pecking out hard-hitting questions and writing scathingly honest articles, is rumored to have a side hustle in money laundering air ball funds.

8:30 (Primetime slot) KO’s champs? 58 vs Firehosers 62 (OT)

Buckner, Playoff Curt, Semi-final Richie, ’04 Yankees vs Sox, Falcons 28-3, Webber TO, 13 seconds……… What do all of these have in common with Grinders? Why are they being listed in our write-ups? They are some of the greatest chokes in sports history…..but none as bad as Kellen and the Jets blowing a 5 point lead with 8 seconds left, AND possession. Never before has a defending champ crumbled in crunch time and under the weight of expectations. On to the game.

The game was back and forth throughout most of the contest. KO’s squad got out fast and had a 2 point lead at the break.That slim margin was mostly provided by Justin “USPS” Rybinski. The big fella found holes in the soft Firehoser’s zone for frequent buckets. Justin finished with 25 pts. on 12/28 shooting while gathering a game high 13 rebounds. More on him later. The Fireguys were able to get themselves together after a sluggish start. Some of that offense came from injured new guy, Matt “I didn’t touch you/it” Kieta. Kieta (6/15, 13 pts) was able to hit a couple of open jumpers and had a layup in a quick spurt. MVP Jimmy started to “go to work” as commanded by self-appointed Captain Ford Popovich. Jimmy was able to dribble himself into some open spots and show off his mid-range game, as well as his ability to get to the bucket.

The second half was one of those, “You had to be there.” situations. Josh “A-gap” Lanzot found some footing and was able to dominate the soft, low-post defense played by Ford. Josh (7/13, 14/13/6 – 25 GAPE) was getting layup after layup as well as offensive rebounds to extend possessions. More on him later. Things looked bleak for the first-responders later in the game, but that’s when “First Ballot” Boerdner stepped up like all the greats do. E’s first half was forgettable. The second-half was one only Eric Devendorf could appreciate. E (8/18, 19/10/7/3) started to get to the hole and score. Those drives later turned into kickouts for Jimmy and Kieta 3’s which clawed into their deficit.

As the game wound down into the final seconds, things started to get interesting. With the game in hand (up 5) Josh (to the begging of the crowd) launched a 3 with 8 seconds left. It went in and out. The ball moved quickly down the court to a WIDE OPEN Boerdner. BANG! 3-ball corner pocket. Lead cut to 2. Team KO called timeout to advance the ball. With only a little over 2 seconds, the game seemed over. No way could they blow this. WEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL. Captain KO called the in-bounds play for Justin to catch the ball in the corner????????? Genius! Justin and his size 17 clown shoes stepped out of bounds. Turnover. But still, the fire guys had to go the length of the court in 1.5 seconds. No shot! No shot????? Somehow, Justin got caught guarding Jimmy, and like Duke v Kentucky, Hill to Laettner, a miracle happened. Jimmy caught the ball near the free throw line….on the other side of half-court, took 1 dribble and finger-rolled the ball up on the rim. It paused, sat there for a second like Kawhi’s against the Sixers, and fell in at the buzzer!!!! Off to OT.

In OT, The Fireguys took control and held a 2 point lead with 4 seconds to go. Captain KO called for a Tommy Hughes (6/21, 13/7/7/4, 7TO) isolation 3 from the backside of the logo with 5 seconds left. He missed it, the Fireguys scored, icing the game and winning by 4. Total collapse.

The defending champs are now 3-5 in 4th place. The Firehosers move to 2-6, good for last place.

Oh yeah, Zach and Ford played, but they’re pretty much the same player anyway – soft, tall guys with no jumpers.

Fun fact: Helmet went 0-2 with 1 airball. He now has more airballs than shots made on the season. Ouch.

7:30 – Richie and Famous vs. MAYbe I’ll Play: 73-48

One of biggest offseason stories was Captain Cole’s unique draft strategy – selecting the very hit-or-miss duo of Chuck and Jon Tirado, in addition to dropping a cool $22 on Richie, who didn’t make his session debut until 9 weeks in (technically more because of reschedules and holidays). If I were to only show you Chris Cole’s box score, you’d probably say “Wow! He only shot 5 times? Only 3 boards as well? Dude must’ve been getting bullied! 9 assists though? Classic Cole being carried.” You might also say some more vulgar and inhumane things about our favorite villain, likely weight-related… but the tale of the tape in this one was that everybody was dialed in and making it rain from all over the court. Poor Pauly P tried as hard as he could to carry his (I mean Jeff May’s) team, but they simply could not get a stop. It was an onslaught – Chuck had 15, Tirado went for 18 with only 6 of those being from distance, and Wayne hit 3 trifectas of his own and made the much smaller opposition suffer down low with an astounding 23 points and 16 rebounds, tallying a 33 GAPE. As a team the Cole Miners shot 44% from the field, a number that could’ve been over .500 if Richie wasn’t so very dusty and rusty. Although I must concede, 10/11/6 with 3 steals really is pretty solid for a debut after a many month stint at rehab.

As for the Mayflowers, well, you tried your best. I can’t remember the last time they had their whole team present, but it was the same story we’ve seen over the last few weeks. Bryant took his mandated 30 attempts and finished with 14 points against a -4 GAPE. Salvati played his vintage grit and grind ball, finishing 6/7/7 but really struggled to contain both Tirado and Chuck on the perimeter. Peyton continued his iron man streak of subbing and perhaps the wear and tear is affecting the young boy (it shouldn’t be – your 23, not 43!) as he went 4/13 with 2 air balls, 9 boards and a whole lot of nothing else. Paul P. Revere tried his best to stave off the redcoats, as he had a 20/12 performance on 58% shooting (!!) with some ridiculously acrobatic takes. Team May falls to 2-6, and all they want for Christmas is for their star captain to make his return to at least be able to compete a little bit.

With this win, Team Cole jumps Team Masich in the standings to take 2nd place. If they can fire on all cylinders like this consistently, I see no reason why they can’t make a championship run. Especially if Richie can come in and contribute as a complimentary piece and not let his captain’s ribbing get to him. And as long as he can stay away from those damn chairs…

Fun Fact: Bryant the 30 Shot Taker missed the first 10 minutes of the game.

6:30 – Don’t call me Curt vs. Team BDE: 38-54

The night’s first game featured a battle of the top two teams in the standings after week 7.  First place Team Gersitz vs second place Team WAP, who entered the week on a three game winning streak.  WAP Captain Curtis “I Heart WaR” Masich hadn’t hesitated to let people know his team was on fire, and boasted that they were probably the best team in the league.  The question of the week was, is Curtis right?  Or, is this team the Miami Dolphins of Grinders… score a lot of points – against the bottom feeder teams, but fold vs the big boys.

Team Urbaniak played yet another game without league stalwart Mike “Captain” Gersitz, who had to work or pull it or whatever it is he does when he isn’t dominating hapless Grinders.  OMJ and his crew of younger fellas also played without depth player Worm Benjamin – who had scheduling conflicts. On paper, this undersized squad looked like an easy opponent for Team Curtis, especially with no subs, extra-especially in Curtis’ fantasyland.  But, nah.  The opposite happened.  Peyton was unleashed to be the go-to man.  Curtis and his squad of guys who don’t get to shoot much chose to play ZONE in an effort to slow the young man down – which they were able to do (Peyton finished 4/15 for 8 points and 5 GAPE).  Great.  Nice work, Team Curtis.  However – Al, Garrett, and OMJ combined for a sizzling 50% shooting from the floor, dropping open shot after open shot.  Al shot 58.8%, had 20/5 and 20 GAPE – just stellar. OMJ, with IPA coursing through his veins, shot 4/7 and held Joe Marie to a measly 10 points down low.  Garrett had 18/17/6 and a strong 29 GAPE.  Maybe play some actual defense Curtis!

Speaking of defense… Team Urbaniak absolutely put the clamps on Captain Curtis and his team of innocent bystanders.  Curtis, who shot 28 times and led the league in WAP (naturally) could never get into a rhythm.  Garrett Beesing was in his face the majority of the game, and Peyton finished him out at the end, altering shot after shot.  Sad Curtis, who is shooting 41.9% for the season, was held to just 28.6% for the night.  That’s not very good.  But wait, aren’t their other guys on the team, you ask?  Oh yeah – forgot about them (just like Curtis!).  They shot almost as many air balls as baskets made.  Invisible Ben was held to 2-8 FG.  Joe Marie was 5/18 and had a double-double, but on a disappointing 27.8% shooting.  “30 Disgusting Seconds” of Josh was out there for… about 30 seconds.  Boccio the Grinder, the only Grinder worth a damn in this game for Team Curtwuss, had a couple steals and led the team on 37.5% shooting.  These guys were so scared of playing man on Peyton that they quickly went back to zone after a short time in man coverage – despite the absolute blitzkrieg being dropped from the floor by Al and company.

With this convincing 54-38 trouncing, Team Urbaniak stays in first by a couple of games, despite the leagues best all-around player missing all but 3 of their matches. This team proved that they can win no matter who the go-to guy is. Peyton?  Garrett?  Crazy?  Gersitz?  Old Man Jon?  Worm and his 8% shooting? (thats not a joke – check out his performance for Team Gersitz so far) Doesn’t matter.

Sad Curtis, after being exposed once again by a good team, fell to 3rd place. After their inevitable upcoming trouncing against Team Cole in week 9, Curtis will cement the number 3 seed. At least they will get to play one of those “scrub” teams in the playoffs, setting the stage for another glorious flameout in the post season.

Fun Fact: Old Man Jon and Curtis are both shooting 41%.

6:30 If Only Curt Could Pass to Himself 65 vs Team Mayday Mayday 56

On paper this game looked like a miss-match. Then Mayday got special, double secret dispensation, to have none other than “Trim” Tommy Hughes and “Crazy Al” sub for their squad of lost boys. To counteract that move, Captain Curt took advantage of the sub list and called in Garrett “god’s” Blessing to sub. Who plays for who anymore? I don’t know.

All I can remember from 2-weeks ago is that this game was back and forth throughout most of it. Tommy and Curt went nose-to-nose, Garrett finally played well for a team he subbed for, Bryant recorded his first career Grinder assist, and Team Curt pulled away late.

7:30 Paper Champs 60 vs The Gersitz Six 63

Again, 2 weeks of memory loss. This game was back and forth early. Gersitz’s squad looked like they were going to blow out the reigning champs until a case of the turnovers took hold. The Champs got hot to pull it close. Hughes hit a prayer 3 to cut the deficit to 3. Someone turned the ball over (probably Garrett) with under 12 seconds left. In the scramble, no one could get free. Hughes launched one from the other side of the logo that missed. Game over.

Oh, Old Man Jon fell down, yelled things, threw the ball off of the wall, punched the floor, subbed himself out, and got even more angry when his Clapper didn’t work. Yelled at Tommy. Didn’t get memo Tommy was a big deal. Not that he should have needed a memo. That was exciting.