Ah, the thrilling basketball showdown between Team Chris and the Peyton Panthers—a clash of titans that left spectators on the edge of their seats. Let’s dive into the stats, shall we?

Team Chris: The “Almost There” Squad Grinder’s resident loudmouth Chris Cole decided to channel his inner Steph Curry last week. With a whopping 1 three-pointer, he made sure the opposing team knew that he’s not just here for the free snacks during halftime. And hey, shooting 75% from the field? That’s practically like hitting a bullseye while blindfolded. Kudos, Chris! Ah, Chuck. His shooting form is as consistent as a broken clock. With 3 three-pointers and a 0.300 FG%, he’s basically saying, “Why settle for easy shots when you can make life interesting?” Jon, Jon, Jon. His 5 three-pointers are like a fireworks show—bright, flashy, and leaving everyone wondering if they’ll ever come down. Wayne, oh Wayne. His 4 three-pointers are like a symphony of swishes. Shooting 55.6% from the field? It’s practically a love letter to the rim, saying, “You complete me.” And that 0.667 EFG%? Well, it’s the kind of precision that would make a Swiss watch jealous. Wayne is the hero we didn’t know we needed. This team made it rain all game long and coasted to a blow out win – with Jon T capping the game with an insulting final three.

Peyton: The Unstoppable Force Bryant “The Grinder”, because apparently regular names just won’t cut it, had 2 three-pointers and 0.389 FG%. Bryant’s stats are basically an orgy of chaos. It’s like saying, “I’m here to disrupt your plans, one missed shot at a time. Eric shoots like he’s aiming for the moon. “I will probably miss, but when I don’t, it’s magical.” Jimmy’s shooting form is smoother than a jazz saxophonist on a moonlit night. With 2 three-pointers and a 0.529 FG%, he’s practically whispering to the ball, “You’re my muse, baby.” And that 0.588 EFG%? Well, let’s just say it’s the kind of efficiency that would make Marie Kondo proud—every shot sparks joy. Jimmy, is a work of art. Mike Benjamin, this team’s former resident phantom, decided to play hide-and-seek with the basket. Zero points, zero field goals, and zero EFG%. Worm was heard saying “Scoring? Nah, I prefer existential contemplation.” Team captain Peyton Urbaniak, the enigma wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a basketball jersey, “contributed” nothing. Zero points, zero field goals, and zero EFG%. When interviewed after the game, Peyton shrugged, “I’m not here to impress anyone. I’m here to baffle everyone.” Peyton, you’ve got us all scratching our heads. And finally, Tommy Hughes—the invisible man. Zero points, zero field goals, zero EFG%, and zero everything else. It’s like he’s saying, “I’m not even sure how I got on this court, but hey, I’m here.” Tommy, you’re the unsung hero of obscurity. In summary, the Peyton Panthers put on a “show” that’s equal parts dazzling and head-scratching. They’ve got more zeros than a Sudoku puzzle.

Fun fact: GAPE Chicken lost Tommy’s stat line. Sorry big guy, that’s why we try to keep limited to the Graphic’s department.

7:30 Team Fordner 56 vs Team MV Palombo 65
“The Battle of the Big Guys.” “The Return of Mr. 47.” “Supporting cast Scuffle.” These are all titles that this game could have had. Instead, the only “big guys” that showed up were Ford and Gersitz and Mr. 47 looked more like Mr. 4.7. Alas, onto the game.

It looked like Team Fordner was looking to feature Zach “DIVA Skyhook” Newberry on the block as the key cog to their offensive gameplan. Newbs was able to dominate Justin “Achilles Heel” Gerardi in the post. Newbs went 7/12 for 14 points down low. He also bullied his way to 10 rebounds on the much, much, smaller defender. In fact the self-proclaimed “DIVA of Destruction” beat up poor defenseless Helmet so badly that a double team was brought on every touch. This allowed Zach to collect a tidy 5 assists, many of them to Mike “They Better Not Leave Me Open” Ford. Mr. “I Travel for Work” had himself a game (and a spiked milkshake after). Ford dropped 27 on his defenseless counterparts on 11/21 shooting, including a career-high (5) 3’s. With those kind of numbers, Team Fordener should have ran out to an easy win……except they let Cole and E touch the ball. Cole and E combined for a pathetic 7/30 shooting performance with only (1) 3 pointer made. At certain points of the game Gersitz wasn’t even covering Cole, and allowing him to shoot. It was that bad.

Team MVPalombo welcomed back former league superstar Mike “My Neck and My Back” Malicki. Malicki must have caught whatever shooting virus that plagued E and Cole as his return was quite lackluster. Malicki went 2/15 and had a -8 GAPE. Not the return he wanted, but it was good to see him on the court again. Luckily for their squad former DADBOD great Mike “Cobra” Salvati stepped up to the plate and delivered big time. Salvati slithered his way to 16 points on a scorching 8/11 shooting performance. He also chipped in with 5 boards, 1 assist, and 1 steal. Captain P. toyed with the awful defense in front of him and almost had a triple-double (10/12/8). “P” picked up right where he left off on his quest for back to back MVP’s.

Speaking of heroic efforts, we’d like to bring back the exploits of one Justin “Warpath” Gerardi. With Ford playing “velcro-like” defense Helmet decided to remind everyone about his personal line of posters that he gives out. First he splashed a 3 right in Ford’s 8 chins. Second, he hit a pull-up J in Ford’s eye. Lastly, he out ran Ford on a fast-break, took off from the bottom of the circle, and finger-rolled one of the most beautiful layups Grinders has ever seen. In a fit of jealousy, Ford placed one of his travel pamphlets on the court behind Helmet, causing a banana peel situation. Helmet slipped and partially tore his achilles. Speedy recovery sir!

While we speak of exploits, we must retrace our steps to DIVA Newberry. Newbs used to be one of Grinder’s best defenders. Now that he is being used as a go-to scorer, he has apparently decided to only play on that end. Mike “Starch Your Whites” Gersitz lit up Newberry like a J on 4/20. Gersitz had a league high 38 GAPE with a 27/11/6/2/2 stat line on 60% shooting. Maybe he figured out the trick to bustin’ Newbs or maybe Newbs, in his new role, layed down like a paid lady of the eve. You be the judge.

Fun facts from the game:
Ford’s 27 points are a career high. As are his 5 three’s.
Ford gave up more than 27 from all the people he “guarded.”
Team Fordener (0-2) could be the first team in Grinders history not to qualify for the postseason.

8:30 primetime game Team OMJ vs Team Crazy.

A (forfeit) game that featured some subs was close early with Team OMJ going back and forth between man and zone. Also included the unfortunate injury of Helmet who was subbing. Which led to Wayne coming in to play and creating havoc on offense and defense scoring 28 points combined with other sub. Garrett “Lumberjack” Beesing had what is becoming a standard week for him with 22 points and 12 Rebounds.

Curtis “Love every shot” Masich started off cold but finished strong when it was too late for a comeback with 31 points. Not having Big Josh definitely hurt Team OMJ in this one and no matter what defense they were in Team captain “Crazy” AL couldn’t be stopped having 20 points and even attempted a three pointer this game. Team Crazy getting its first win of the season now has 4 teams in grinders at 1-1