Normally under regular circumstances the high class men of print media would never go out and have a response to those virgins over at the podcast. We actually had some decent games this week… I would like to recap those, but instead I got to set the record straight.

Time and time again, it’s proven that I know ball. I know ball. It’s that’s simple. Those clowns that run the podcast have pages and pages of notes, but barely know anything about the game… in fact the only thing they know less about is… consensual sex. 

Also, people seem to forget that I have resources that nobody else has. Stat lines and an advanced analytics AI consistently running in the background- while those podcast nerds are updating their resumes trying to get a job as my intern. Well let me make it easy for you, the only one I will be hiring is Garrett. And let’s be clear, I fuck all my interns. 

Transitioning into the power rankings, it’s no surprise THAT NO ONE MOVED AT ALL. I called it perfect last week. Team Gersitz continues to dominates opponents. While Team Chaz (2) barely held on vs (3) Team Garrett and Team Justin(5) came back to win vs Grant (6)…. 

Week Three Power Ranking

1 Team Gersitz

2 Team Chaz

3 Team Garrett

4 Team Justin

5 Team Jimmy

6 Team Grant

There are very few sure things in life, but there is a few things I would bet my life on… including  E losing his game, Bryant ordering BBQ wings at the bar, Richie forgetting to shave, and chaz “forgetting” to sub. 

I’d rather spend a week in Grants “toy” drawer than huddle around a microphone every week in a basement making every wrong prediction possible. It must make the podcasters feel “safe” knowing there isn’t a female within 300 feet of that basement. 

Their “psa” of having no one to keep stats is proven wrong every week.  We have backup stat keepers in case someone gets hurt and as always AK is available to keep stats during his game.

We do appreciate the podcast guys posting every week because we do love the awful takes and the pod is great to fall asleep to. The only annoying part is that we fall asleep too quickly. Keep up the “mediocre” work guys… I will be declining the invite, but I will be tuning in next week and betting the opposite of all your predictions. Thanks for the Free Money.

1. Team Gersitz

2 Team Chaz

3 Team Garret

4 Team Justin

5 Team Jimmy

6. Team Grant

As I’m sitting here in my trailer pondering about Garrett with no shirt on… I am filled with a sense of peace knowing that E’s losing streak continues. But league historians have reported that an even older league streak had in fact been broken on Monday night. A streak older than Alec not coming to the bar, Jimmy actually paying club dues, or Kale having a pulse… I’m talking about Chaz subbing. Chaz actually learned how to sub at 7:15 on Monday night. It only took him 3 years. Hopefully he learns how to win in the playoffs next. 

There’s some big movers in the power rankings this week,  I won’t be breaking down the details but I’m sure those bottom feeders at the podcast will be covering it. It’s only a matter of time before we fight those podcast idiots for stealing our audience. The best part about the podcast is the end because it means it’s over.

Week One Power Rankings

1 Team Chaz

2 Team Justin

3 Team Gersitz

4 Team Jimmy

5 Team Grant

6 Team Garret

Fun Fact – E has yet to win a game this calendar year. His “perfect” streak extends to last year with his last win being 10/29/2025. Impressive stuff from the “1st ballot HOF’er”

Fun Fact 2 – Smelly Bob has touched himself to that picture of young Garret everyday since 4/8/2024. I mean – look at it!

Game 1 recap

Garret vs justin

The only thing worse than reading a recap about this game was actually watching it in person. Garret actually faked an injury early in order to escape this “mini session” boat race. Be sure to buy the scorers tables a beer or two because we’ve seen Peyton fall asleep watching more exciting games than this. This game should’ve got called at halftime. Gersitz was seen drinking 3 surfsides during this WNBA preseason thriller.

Game 2 recap

Jimmy vs Grant

The biggest surprise of the season so far was seeing Josh Lanzot at the season opener. His draft status said he was unavailable till November. League officials are currently investigating. Bryant came out looking hot and ended up shooting more than 50%, he might be the biggest steal of the draft so far. The non biggest surprise was Jimmy hitting his free throws at the end of the game.  Maybe try fouling somebody else.

Game 3 recap

Mike vs Chaz

Gersitz drank more surfsides pregame than minutes AK played. Will his off court antics continue to hurt his team? Is there any amount of drinks that will give him the courage to cover Chaz on the last possession of a tie game? Chaz got hot at the perfect time as he continues to dominate the regular season picking right up where he left off last year. Too bad he’s basically “Curtis” and forgets to show up in the playoffs. Comments after the game even said he can’t hit a shot without “pushing off”. Rumor has it Cory is still yelling “switch back”.

BIGGEST WINNER OF THE WEEK

Jimmy who drafted from the construction site and somehow managed to draft a winning team

BIGGEST LOSER OF THE WEEK

Tirado who knows the true meaning of “team first”

Some say the mini session is like Grinders Canadian league, but it’s more like girls high school intramural basketball. Glad that bullshit is over with and we don’t have to hear about it for another year. It’s time for the real season to get started and it’s time to do draft grades! 

But before we begin we must state that perennial loser, Curtis did not get drafted. 

Another thing to mention is the talent pool has really dried up this year, with one captain ranking “Tommy” as the best overall. 

The draft day is pretty much Helmet’s Super Bowl, the way he was smiling during the draft I’m pretty sure he went home and touched himself thinking about the captains faces. 

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Team Chaz

Chaz drafted his shooters, future MVP, Danny “Drive Thru” and Jeff “championship” May and is planning on coasting his way to the championship. Most people are just wondering if he is ever gunna let AK play. AK must stand for “Another Klipboard” because last season this dude was just Charlie Conway on the sideline maybe playing for 3 minutes a game. Will someone teach Chaz how to sub this session?

A-

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Team Garrett

Garrett must have forgot what sport we are playing because he drafted two golfers a soccer player and a football player. 

Grabbing former defensive mvp Pauly J as his highest paid player was a smart move, but the height might hurt him in the playoffs. Garrett hasn’t been relevant in years, so we don’t expect big things from him this year. 

C

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Team Tall Justin

Who needs anybody over 5’4”? Can Justin create a winning culture? Or is this a disaster waiting to happen? The only thing we know we can expect is that games will start on time for this team with Tommy. 

C+

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Team Grant

Grabbing Zach and Chuck for an offensive and defensive punch was smart but will “E” rebound off of barely missing his “perfect season” in spring? Can he patch it together for his “final season”? Grant seems to be healing and if his team clicks and his hip doesn’t we might be seeing a deep run. 

B-

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Team Gersitz

Be prepared to be screened by Cory 20x times a game. Salvati coming back in December to ruin everyone’s Christmas. No cherry pickers allowed with Ed Reed in the backfield. Will Peyton continue to improve? Or will the death of Kale continue to haunt him?

B

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Team Jimmy

Vegas has the total 3s made at over/under for the season at 100. This run and gun team might have the record for most logo 3s set by at least week 3. Over and back rule? They might launch it before they even cross that line.

D

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Let’s get one thing straight, it doesn’t matter if its Super Bowl Wednesday, 9/11 or if its game 7 of the Stanely cup playoffs, Tirado will not change the schedule. Why start early when you can piss off the entire league at the same time. 

Talking about football did you see Josh Allens Garrets pass in the early game? He hit one open guy with a lob pass and proceeds to recreate the same pass five more times which resulted in five turnovers. Rumors were spreading whether or not that was really Garret or Mike Ford in a wig. Good thing Ed “Bobby” Reed was subbing, because that pass is not going through when he is on the court. Luckily Chaz saw this and decided to not pass the entire game which would have single handily won them the game, but he forgot to play defense on Bryant. “BBQ Bryant” shot lights out in the stretch, highlighted at one point by almost breaking a light with one of the worst shots in grinders history. Everyone on the sidelines instantly texted Curtiss for the footage which resulted in a temporary Verizon wireless outage. 

The shootaround warmup for the 7:30 game was abruptly by Tommy Garret yelling about start times. …Wait, did you really think the beat writer was going to cover both games for this AAA league? I don’t have time for this… I didn’t get a nap last night at the scorers table like Grant. 

TDLR: Lil Josh was the difference maker, after locking down Big Josh. Tirado won on the court but he did not win at the bar, as he thought it was a good idea to have an open tab to celebrate… he may never financially recover from the amount of pesos he spent.

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It was supposed to be a quiet ladder week, with not much on the line… but this narrative couldn’t be more wrong.  Peyton took down Al to gain the 1st round bye. Notable absentee was Gersitz who nobody has heard from in 2 weeks. Curtis checked the cameras and saw him get into Chuck the bartenders truck at 1am last Wednesday. Not sure if it was a sex thing, or if he was delivering him to Peyton’s basement to share a room with Kale. Either way, it was to Peyton’s benefit and they have almost guaranteed a spot in the championship. Nixon who hasn’t shown up since Curtis punched him in the face was also absent. 

Cole’s triumphant return to possibly the worst team in recent memory might have generated the best clips of the year. While Comedy Central has already been calling to get the roast rights, we really need to break down the 2 viral clips. The last time the league has got this many views, was when a clip surfaced of Garrett with no shirt on. 

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The fall

Fans were delighted to see another clip of Cole on the ground. Dave was heard saying after “There hasn’t been such a great clip of Cole falling -since last Monday!” While the clubs insurance has doubled since Cole joined, Sandy’s meatball bombers have closed the gaps in the budget. 

They always say to never meet your heroes

But just like Jordan on the Wizards, it’s just not the same watching your heroes after their prime. 

Usually when you get a “celebrity” sub, you get somebody that can actually play- or at least someone comparable to the guy they are subbing for. OMJ filled Tirados shoes no problem, I don’t think anybody had an issue there. But Cole for Danny? The way Cole crumbled after Tommy hit him with his up and under… Danny hasn’t fell like that since they announced the food court at the blvd mall is closing.  The only 3-point record Cole has is Maliki hitting 13 on him in a championship.

Witt was heard saying on an hot mic after , “ I could have sold that better”. 

You can tell Salvati had enough when instead of going to see if he was ok, he turned away and was heard mumbling “this guy should have stayed retired”. The amount of people that went over to see if he was OK, was lower than Es total wins on the year.

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The Assault

Cole used his arm like a nunchuck to Richie’s head at the end of a meaning less game at the end of a meaningless season.

While most were concerned with Richie’s safety, Curtis’s leaned back with pride knowing he’s no longer the dirtiest player in the league. 

It’s amazing that garret didn’t have 50 points last night. Those pants got tight real quick. I wish everyone could seen his face. He jumped up, starting clapping and the smile on his face was astonishing. 

I’d argue that Richie is 2x, or maybe closer to 3x the person he once was, but I’m not sure how he let that one slide.

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