Some of the greatest rivalries of all time include…

Richie vs his waistband

Someone needs to tell Richie he is one slice of pizza away from shopping at Big & Tall. 

Crazy Al vs layups

Why shoot a layup when you can take a 5 foot jump shot?

Chaz vs subbing

Can’t score from the bench

Dave vs Playing time

Guy got drafted to the bar, not to a team

Lanzot vs jump-shots

Why shoot when you can pass?

Gersitz vs his hairline

Get this guy a plane ticket to Turkey already. Hairline going up faster than Richie’s shirt sizes

Tirado vs the backboard

Trump needs to get tirado on a plane with five basketballs and fly him over Iraq. War would be over real quick.

E vs the EBC membership

Don’t have to pay late fees if you never join

Worm vs Poor People

Has he ever mentioned he has a hot tub?

Curtis vs Assists

Guys thinks a chest pass is a sex positon

Alec vs knowing there is a bar attached to the gym

Did anyone ever tell him?

Danny vs Supersize Me

Dumb documentary took away Danny sized portions

Lil Josh vs carrots

Eat some nerd

Part 2 Coming Tuesday…

You idiots need to check the website more. Sure OMJ says traffic is up, but after a deep dive into analytics, we found out that most of the traffic was coming from a popular pedophile website and they were all going and saving Garrets Picture. 

Game of the Year?

This week, instead of covering all the games we are just going to focus on what could possibly be labeled as “game of the year” the 8:30 matchup between Pauly P and E. Years from now, people are going to be asking… “where were you when that game happened?”, everyone’s answer will be different but also the same… “not there”. Event security never seen such a mass exodus after the 7:30 game, maybe everybody heard about the $5 meatball subs at the bar. Fans were rushing to the exits at tipoff careful not to get stuck for this preseason WNBA matchup. Worm even scheduled a work meeting at the bar just to make sure he accidently didn’t get stuck. About halfway through the game, one of the stat guys even left because he had enough. Luckily Dave wasn’t doing anything so he filled in– even though Pauly P was up by 40 at halftime, they still didn’t let Dave play. Somebody needs to tell Danny that even though the McRib is back, games are not cancelled. With one week remaining, the perfect season continues.

For anybody that was stuck at the scorer’s table last night from 8:31 on, please see the below PSA

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If you need to talk, the 988 Lifeline is here.

At the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, we understand that life’s challenges can sometimes be difficult. Whether you’re facing mental health struggles, emotional distress, alcohol or drug use concerns, or just need someone to talk to, our caring counselors are here for you. You are not alone.

Just Dial 988 on any phone

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Last night was a great night at the river, with three unscheduled boat races that had fans rethinking on whether they want renew their season tickets for next year. 

It all started with the 6:30 game which was over at about 6:31. Setting the tone early, was the gameplan for Kellen and his middle school friends, but Richie had his own idea throwing up two airballs- to give a new meaning to “starting strong”. 

At this point, from all the $1 airballs from Richie and Curtis, the New York Power Authority has sent a w-9 to league offices for tax reasons.

They played more defense on Cory during “the shot” then they did on Crazy throughout this game. Meanwhile, rumor has is the scorer table is still adding up Josh’s assists. League secretaries are working on new stat sheets as we speak.

It’s to nobody’s surprise that Dave was a healthy scratch again this week even though he passed his physical. Chaz looked like he never subbed back in after last week. The defending champs are looking like the most mentally strong team entering the playoffs. Peyton, coming off MVP chants last week, played like his girlfriend just broke up with him. A last minute change up on defense confirmed to everyone, they lost their confidence in the once unanimous MVP choice.  

Fans were confused when Garrett showed up to play looking like an out of work gym teacher. Was this a league game, or just a pickup game at Planet fitness? E’s team might have had a chance in this one, but once Garrett looked up and saw Cole on the balcony- he almost poked a hole in those pants and we all knew the perfect season would continue. 

I know everyone is busy and can’t stay to watch all the games, Alec has to bolt to get home to talk shit to Tirado online, Jimmy has to get home to rest after carrying Curtiss for years, AK needs to get home to shower after all the playing time he gets, and I know everyone loves waiting a week for the Podcast—so here is what happened last night and I won’t bore you with periods… talking about periods, what was up with Tommy Pickles last night having an absolute meltdown about him showing up late… the league gametimes have not changed in a decade and he shows up late and crys for 2 hours until big daddy cole and to come and calm him down- get this dude a watch and an icepack cuz curtiss absoulety tackled his ass when the game was on the line, most people forgot about how dirty curtiss is, well nixon hasn’t forgotten- it was a tight game, but the guys on the podcast called it right-no upset here— moving onto the 7:30 game, this was actually a close game, almost being called a boat race until Chaz finally learned how to sub and their lead magically disappeared – I hope he learned his lesson and never subs again… the only sub he should be having is a chicken finger sub with Danny after the game- we might have a new chaz stopper with pauly J sending his shit to the canal, Garret seeing limited gametime due to lung capacity but that didn’t stop him from subbing in the 8:30 game and totally forgetting that he has the lung capacity of a new-born baby, strange… Josh came late and he didn’t scream for three hours…. Maybe he is trying to keep a low profile with ICE running around, or maybe he is just an adult— the game came down to the final three minutes and don’t worry E’s perfect season is still alive

Not even the commissioner has the power to stop E’s Perfect Season

As we roll into another week of mediocre basketball, we sit back and reflect on the “decision”. 

When I say “decision”, I am not talking about…

“Which drive-thru Danny will go to after the game”

Or

“If Peyton will ever tell Kale the correct game time so he will actually show up”

Or

“Who should shoot free throws at the end of the game, Curti$$ or Jimmy”

I am talking about “the decision” on what should happen to the criminal Kellen after he stole that game last week. At least one person we interviewed was hoping for a lifetime ban- another, said that wasn’t harsh enough.

– Smelly Bob & some grinder

As you can see from the video, instead of playing Defense, Kellen bee-lined it over to cry to the commissioner after the shot. All he had to do was put a hand up and the game is over.

The results of the game have been changed. No fines have been issued. No suspensions. The commissioner stepped in and made his ruling. But is this really a good precedent to set? Being able to change game results days later? Hopefully on the podcast on Tuesday we can get insight on the decision. 

We really don’t want to alienate our fanbase. I have a few games I would like to change though.

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Random Thoughts:

Cole has only been gone for 7 weeks and crime has spiked. This time last year, the only assault that ever occurred was with Tirado and the backboard. Fast forward to today, property values in City of Tonawanda have reached an all-time low. The league might need Cole more than we thought.

Are we sure this guy is legal drinking age? I need to see some ID

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Danny might have hit the greatest shot since Nixon over Gersitz, only for it to be trumped five minutes four minutes and fifty-nine seconds later by the greatest shot in City of Tonawanda history… 

We were getting Cory’s Gatorade bath ready, making arrangements for the victory parade, the mayor was on his way with the key to the city, ESPN was already negotiating with us for film rights… 

But it was at this moment that E found out why they call him Knock-Out, cancelling out the “greatest shot in Grinders history”. I’m not sure if they were just tired, confused or just so use to losing that they just accepted their fate. But the fans in the arena that day knew what had happened – the biggest robbery in league history had just occurred. 

One onlooker described it as like a parent telling a kid “It’s over because I said so”. Someone needs to tell OMJ to adjust the stats for the game, add +1 steal for Kellen, because he stole that win. There hasn’t been a robbery that big since they traded the island of Manhattan from Helmets ancestors for $24 worth of beads and trinkets.

Cory went from never having to buy his own drinks at the bar ever again one minute, to just a small footnote in Kellen’s criminal history the next. All of this just one week after the biggest assault in league history. Can we let these escalating crimes continue? Or will the commissioner stand up to thugs like Kellen & Curtiss. 

At this point, it’s safer to walk down Bailey Ave at night then to lace up shoes at the EBC gym. 

The only positive of the whole situation is that E’s perfect season is still going strong.