A much anticipated match up between the current top 2 seeds! Team Garrett looked utterly dominant up to this point, while Team Cole was still trying to find its identity. Well they may have found it, and its name is Wayne. Just an absolute evisceration of Team G-Spot’s “defense” to the tune of 34 points on 60% shooting. Wayne’s 39 GAPE was more than Garrett’s whole team combined. Cole had his own very respectable GAPEage, with 26 despite only 6 points. 14 rebounds and 11 assists will do. Tommy may have shook off some rust from his slow start as he turned in a neat little 8/6/5 line. Josh and Boccio played too. An emphatic statement was made in this one, and if Wayne’s back doesn’t give out from all the carrying he did, you should never count this team out of the running. As for Team Garrett, well, it’s not hard to see what went wrong in this one. Their captain held his own, shooting 9/20 and had 0 turnovers. Al continued to be a midrange menace with 17 points.  And then there was the other 4. Tirado: 2/11. Lanzot 0/7. Pauly P? 1/10. Salvati saved the team’s percentage by going 50% (½). 9 points from 4 players?? That is not the objective of the sport, people! Just uncharacteristic ineptitude from the 1 seed in this one. And also complete disinterest in getting a hand in Wayne’s face as he continued to splash from three. Maybe this week these guys will feel like playing for realsies or something. Fun Fact: Team Cole admitted postgame to not asking for consent whilst pummeling Team Garrett. Also one captain called the other captain a fruit of sorts. (Loosely paraphrased.)

One aspect of this matchup not talked about enough was the presence of our newest Grinder, Bobby. Well this beat writer does not simply look at the box score, no no. I mean sure, 8 points and 11 boards with a 14 GAPE, you’d look at that and say wow, a career game for the new guy!  But if you were to say that, then you didn’t truly witness the authority in which Bobby scored those 8 points. Reverse lays, finishing through contact, hustling for boards, jumping over taller people, my goodness. He was just exuding aura the whole 40 minutes, and I envy that. Some other things of note include “E” dropping 12/6/5 on 62% shooting! A very solid effort, overshadowed by Jeff May’s near-30 shot performance, which netted him 19 points, caring not for the stifling defense of Chuck/Ben. Ford contributed little offensively but did grab himself 9 rebounds and a block. Captain Gersitz opted not to shoot much, only tallying 9 attempts and 10 points, but oh man. I would be remiss if I did not bring up one of the most riveting Grinders sequences in recent memory. Grant ran the fastbreak and thought he had a nice easy layup over Bobby. But LeGersitz stuffed him with a chase down, and the rest is history. Grant gets the rebound, puts it up again, BLOCKED. 4 straight blocks on the same guy, in the same possession. Chaos in the gym ensued. Mind you, Grant is no small fella. He would get him a 5th time later in the game, absolutely crushing his confidence. The score may have been settled by only 2 points, but the game sure felt over after that tantalizing display.

Perfect segue into Team Peyton’s performance: Grant, usually very calm and controlled, went and shot 29 times after the humiliation at the hands of Gersitz. People will remember the big moment, but a 24/8 stat line is nothing to laugh at. Captain Peyton finally shot under 50%, but delivered 10 points and 6 rebounds, while also delivering a revenge block on Gersitz for the crimes he committed against his star teammate. Chuck dropped 11 points, only connecting on 3 three balls, as his 4th make was shockingly a layup! Ben had a rough go, only sinking 3 of his 15 attempts, but did grab 9 rebounds and 3 steals. Not the best effort from this top 3 team, as they were in yet another game decided by one score – this time on the losing end. We’ll see if they can rebound this week against the 1-5 Team Curtis ………….

Wait, this game was only decided by 6 points? It sure didn’t feel like it. Team Justin stymied the Team Curtis “offense,” of course consisting of only Curtis and Jon Witt. Bryant had 3 blocks, guarding Curtis for most of the game, and shot 50% on 16 (!!) shots. “Sub” led the team in GAPE with 24, with 18 points and 18 rebounds. Pretty good I guess. KO led the team in shots surprisingly, and also apparently had 4 blocks as well! (GAPE Chicken Note – Whatever, Vic).  Zach was too busy “fouling” Curtis and chirping at the sideline refs to score any points. Not too many more notes here, I’m still just shocked that they only won by 6.

Team Curtis, where do I begin? I know: how about the fact that 54 of the team’s 65 shots came from two guys? Curtis and Witt both tried their hardest to will their heaves into the basket, but it just wasn’t happening, and it was a little sad to watch. 8/28 for the Captain, 8/26 for Witt. Both also ended with 8 GAPE and a spot on the WAP board. Paul J and T odd were shell shocked when the ball (sparingly) hit their hands, as both ended with just 4 points apiece. They did lead the team in GAPE with 12 and 11 respectively. This team could be frisky if their shots start falling at a more reasonable rate. Will that ever happen? I don’t know, I’m just a reporter… this outing must have made the team not want to play anymore, as they will have to forfeit this week’s game against Team Peyton. Saving face? Scared cowards? Who am I to say?

In the world of amateur basketball, there are games that go down in history for their sheer athletic brilliance. Then, there are games that we remember because they were like watching a slow-motion train wreck. Last week’s face-off between Gersitz and Peyton definitely fell into the latter category, providing equal parts cringe and comedy for the few brave souls who witnessed the spectacle.

Let’s start with Team Gersitz. Bobby “The New Grinder” started with the audacity of maintaining a worst-season-ever reversing 0.625 FG%. One has to admire the audacity of learning to shoot whilst unguarded. Eric Boerdner, shooting with a precision you’d expect from someone trying to hit the broadside of a barn, managed to sink two out of ten attempts. Jeff May’s shooting was at least respectable; with a whopping 0.400 FG%, he proved that aiming for the basket sometimes works out. But the real shocker was Mike “That’s a foul” Ford, whose impressive 0.125 FG% surely left the crowd wondering if he knew which way the basket was. As for Mike Gersitz, his solid numbers across the board managed to keep the team’s dignity from completely sinking into oblivion, as usual.

Switching to Peyton, Ben Sears’ performance was nothing short of… mystifying. You’d think he was aiming for invisible baskets, given his solid 0.167 FG%. Meanwhile, Chuck Thomasulo showed us what it means to hustle, hitting 3 of 13 shots, a stat line you could easily confuse with a busy stock ticker. Grant Decz had a slightly better night with his 0.412 FG%, and Jon Urbaniak’s reliable shooting left everyone pondering if maybe, just maybe, this sport wasn’t for everyone. Then there’s Peyton Urbaniak, the beacon of hope and “Guy of The Week”. His spectacular 20 points and 0.727 FG% surely made the rest of his teammates look like they wandered in from a different sport.

In the end, it wasn’t just about the numbers; it was about the guts, the glory, and the gory spectacle of one of the season’s most entertaining calamities. Peyton took the win with a 51 to 47, proving that sometimes, even in the chaos, there’s a little bit of method.

Fun Facts:
Mike Ford audibly outed OMJ as a lousy defender, not once, but twice in this matchup. He implored Boerdner to “go to work” on the first possession he was guarded by OMJ, and then demanded the ball in the second half when he thought OMJ would guard him. OMJ took that personally and whined about it all night long after the game. Let’s see how that worked out.

Boerdner finished with 4 points on 2/10.
Ford finished with 2 points on 1/8.
OMJ finished with 4 points on 2/5.

Boerdner finished with 3 air balls.
Ford finished with 1 air ball.
OMJ had NO air balls

Boerdner had 4 rebounds.
Ford had 5 rebounds.
OMJ had 7 rebounds.

Boerdner had 0 steals.
Ford had 0 steals.
OMJ had 2 steals.

Boerdner had +1 GAPE.
Ford had -1 GAPE (not very good).
OMJ had +11 GAPE.

Boerdner and Ford had a combined Game Score of 38.0
OMJ had a Game Score of 38.3

TALL JUSTIN, under the leadership of Bryant “The Grinder,” displayed moments of brilliance despite some inconsistencies. Bryant achieved a respectable 0.526 field goal percentage, contributing 22 points, 6 rebounds, and 2 assists. Justin Rybinski also stood out because he’s tall, and he scored 22 points and maintained a 0.474 field goal percentage. Kellen Owen and Zach Newberry added to the team’s effort (more so KO as Zach “not Zak” uncharacteristically had 4 airballs and a bunch of turnovers), but their performances highlighted the need for increased accuracy and consistency.

On the other side, the CURTIS team experienced a challenging game. After a week filled with anonymous sources crying to the media and internal strife, Cory Muldowney struggled to make an impact, with no successful field goals. Curtis Masich, however, provided a beacon of hope with his 33 points and a 0.419 field goal percentage. Jon Witt and Paul Johnson supported the team’s effort with steady performances, but Todd Nixon’s zero points underscored the need for better offensive strategies. Speaking of strategies, this team did try something different this game, with Curtis “The Big WAPPER” Masich shooting the ball 31 times and letting his teammates, collectively, shoot 32 times. Like the previous 3 weeks – proved to be ineffective. Perhaps they could employ the GAPE Chicken for some additional ideas.

Despite the lack of team cohesiveness, Curtis nearly made a buzzer beating half court three to win the game. That would have been hysterical.

Last week’s prime time event was more abortion than an actual basketball game.

Starting with GARRETT, Al Derrico demonstrated that even the most consistent players can hit new lows, proudly maintaining a 0.261 FG% and -1 GAPE. Garrett Beesing, though, tried to keep the ship afloat with his 16 points, perhaps as confused about his 0.389 FG% as everyone else was. Josh Lanzot’s 0.385 FG%, 13 rebounds – and Mike Salvati’s impressive 0.000 FG% (an apparent aversion to making baskets) left us all wondering if they had even remembered to tie their shoes. Paul Palumbo’s 0.200 FG% rounded out the effort with a performance that was as inspiring as a limp… balloon.

As for team He Hate Me, Chris Cole led with a solid 13 points, barely managing to keep his head above the statistical swamp with a 0.462 FG%. Josh Morcelle must have mistaken the basketball court for a minefield, or just remembered he was Josh Morcelle – with his 0.154 FG%, and Wayne Haynes, perhaps inspired by the art of throwing bricks, shot a 0.280 FG%. Sub’s heart was clearly in it, showing just enough competence to claim a 0.167 FG%.

In the end, Beesing’s squad was just too much and got the W. It wasn’t so much a game as it was a masterclass in how not to play basketball. The score was like 4-3 after 15 minutes. Both teams showcased a level of ineptitude that left everyone who watched wishing they had BEEN an abortion so they didn’t need to see that trash.

In a showdown that had our one fan wondering why he came, Team Gersitz emerged victorious over Tall Justin with a final score of 57-41. The game, held at the “packed” local arena, showcased a blend of grit, determination, and a few surprising moments that kept everyone guessing until the opening tip.

Bobby “The New Grinder” set the tone early for Gersitz with his relentless defense, racking up 5 steals and keeping the pressure on Tall Justin’s offense. Bobby had a career night offensively, managing 4 points from 2 out of 9 field goals, posting a 20.8 Game Score and +2 GAPE. Eric Boerdner stepped up with a crucial three-pointer and contributed 9 points, 6 rebounds, and 5 assists, showcasing his versatility on the court. Jeff May was the standout performer for Gersitz, scoring 21 points with a 45.5% field goal percentage, proving to be a reliable scorer throughout the game. Mike Ford and Mike Gersitz dominated the boards with 13 rebounds each. Ford added 19 points to Gersitz’s tally. His performance was pivotal in maintaining their lead. Mike Gersitz, despite a dull effort, made his presence felt 2 blocks and 3 steals, adding to the team’s defensive strength.

Tall Justin’s Bryant “The Grinder” tried to keep his team in the game with 16 points and 10 rebounds, but it wasn’t enough to overcome Gersitz’s balanced attack. Justin Rybinski added 18 points and 8 rebounds, but the team’s overall shooting woes, with a field goal percentage of just 27.7%, hampered mostly by KO’s turd effort (1/18 shooting). As the clock wound down, Gersitz’s defense tightened, forcing crucial turnovers and limiting Tall Justin’s scoring opportunities. Zach Newberry’s 13 rebounds and 5 assists were notable, but his team couldn’t close the gap.

In the end, Gersitz’s superior shooting and rebounding made the difference. The final score of 57-41 reflected a hard-fought game where every player contributed to the victory, even Ford. The fan left the arena buzzing with excitement, already looking to switching out his Bryant The Grinder fan jersey for a Bobby The New Grinder jersey.

Fun Fact:
Bobby The Grinder almost has as many points as air balls this season.

Attendance: 1

In what was supposed to be a showdown of future Grinders HOF’s, the hype should have been placed on the “role players”. Cole/Hughes vs Witt/Curtis really didn’t materialize the way most prognosticators thought. It turned out to be more of a one-on-one battle between Hughes and Curt for scoring, but He Hate Me ended up getting more out of the rest of their team, which carried them to “the dub”.

Curtis played furious “D” on Cole making it hard for the hefty lefty to get his hands on the ball in any position to score. The rest of the Team Curt defense seemed to forget about their man and continued to cheat to help on the drives of Triumphant Tommy Hughes. This strategy backfired pretty badly as Hughes still dropped 22 points and was able to get others involved also (6 ast). Lil Josh (14/5/5/2) feasted on the liaise fare defense of Jon “Wounded Knee” Witt, consistently punishing his cheat D with jumper after jumper (including a first-half buzzer-beater). Pauly MVPalumbo subbed for Wayne and Boccio and had an outstanding game (12/17/3) while grabbing extra possessions on the offensive end and hitting shots late in the shot clock.

Curtis was just as good on the offensive end as he was on the defensive end. The AD dropped 22 points on 56% shooting including (2) 3’s. His efficiency was not matched by his teammates though. “Bended Knee” Witt continued to be in a shoot first, shoot second, pass late mindset. For the third game in a row, Witt led his team in shot attempts while not outscoring his captain in any game (stat brought to you by unnamed source from Team Curt). Pauly J continued to struggle from the field but did delight the crowd with a late 3 and by gutting Cole on the block and giving him the Mutombo (RIP) finger-wag. E subbed for Team Curt and struggled as well. Outside of the captain, the rest of Team Curt shot 13/40 (that stat also pointed out by an unnamed source in the Team Curt locker room).

A game that was tied at 28 at the half, turned on a 10-0 run by He Hate Me to start the second half. The game was not in too much doubt from that point on.

Pros:
– Lil Josh: 14 points on 16 shots
– Pauly P: 17 rbs, 50% shooting
– Hughes/Cole: 16 ast. combined
– Curtis: 10/18 from the field

Cons:
– Team Curt fg %
– an unnamed source from the Team Curt locker room already wondering if they are doomed to play in the dreaded 5 vs 6 play-in game after week 3

Team Garrett lost the opening tip, but immediately went to work after that. Grinders HQ doesn’t keep stats by half – but the beat writers are collectively pretty sure they shot 23/23 with (4) threes to start the game. Garrett and company reached the half-century mark before half-time, much to the delight of the scorekeepers, who pull it to stuff like that. Crazy finished this one with 20pts and 20 GAPE. Tirado knocked down a bunch of circus shots, hit a few threes, and tried to run, quite disrespectfully, right through OMJ’s sternum. Paul MVPalumbo continued his streak of solid performances with an 8pt, 11 Reb, 16 GAPE night. We’re pretty sure Garrett had 14 of his 18 points by halftime. This game was well on its way to being one of the most humiliating blowouts in Grinders history (at least since Helmet’s last achilles blowout).

But then, something all Grinders… no, all men, should know better than to even try, happened. Garrett had his lady friend sit in the rafters for the entire second half to watch and cheer her beau on. This game was like a 20 point slaughter at the half – but then Garrett stopped making baskets, but not taking shots. Team Peyton turned on the switch and started a furious comeback. Grant led the game with 29 points and 23 GAPE. Peyton did Peyton shit, scoring 20 points on 45.5% shooting, Three Buck Chuck hit some tres and dished out 5 assists. OMJ, despite Tirado’s nasty and vile attempted assault, stood so hard that he nearly shattered the leagues most obnoxious Yankee fans bones (much to the delight of the scorekeepers… who you know… pull it to these sorts of things). Oh, this comeback was sweet, Team Peyton was fired up!

It was all for nothing though. A game that saw Team Garrett’s lead get whittled down to tantalizingly close 6 points, finished anticlimactically with Garrett remembering how to hit his free throws. Team Garrett won by 10.

Fun Fact:
Garrett’s Lady Friend wouldn’t stop staring at this beat writers dick.

Attendance: 1

This game was a tale of TWO HALVES – a Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde if you will.  In a game full of expectations onlookers were treated to a Titans clash.  Sweaty man bodies pounding against one another as loud moans could be heard from the bar…a DIDDY FREAK OFF?!?!?! On to the game….

Team Garrett got out to a blistering start tearing apart some of the worst ZONE defense GRINDERS have ever seen.  Burying shots from everywhere.  Jonny T $$ was hitting bank shots, deep shots and back shots all night long.  Draining (7) Three pointers while leading the team with 22 pts.  “Crazy” Al was slicing through the lane dropping his usual beautiful mid-range game that eats zones alive, putting in 18pts and 7 rebounds.  Captain Garrett chipped in a well-rounded all-around game with a quiet double-double going for 11pts and 11 boards.  Pauly P did what he does, he comes to work and does his job.  He is a consummate pro; you need a double-double? BANG you got it.  Give the man a job and he’s going to provide!!  Not to mention he was uber efficient shooting 63%?!?! But was it enough???

Team Curtis showed up to this game with meager expectations.  Was the first game a peek into what this Grinders season had in store for them? Or was it a game of smoke and mirrors??  The first half for the onlookers was possible proof that the first game of the season was a look into the future.  Going down by as many as 17 pts in the first half.  Sitting in a ZONE D they were getting drilled over and over (Thank you sir may I have another) as JT just tossed up trey after trey in their face.  Team Curtis went into halftime looking for a prayer.  Some mid game adjustments and a switch to man D…WHAT A DIFFERENCE!! The lead began to be chopped limb by limb.  The Serb showed a new side to his game, which in all reality should worry the league.  HE PLAYED IN THE PAINT!!  Was dominant in the paint, dropping sky hooks and bank shots.  Team Garrett reacted to slowly as the damage was already done.  Dropping a 32/10/4 while shooting over 50% is never good for any team hes facing.  J DUBS continued his slashing style of play cutting to the net consistently and creating havoc in the paint.  While not the most efficient stat line shooting just about 30%, he seems to have shaken off the rust and looking to be potent the rest of the season.  Taking a team high 32 shots in this game he must subscribe to the great Wayne Gretzky Michael Scott analogy “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”.  Another player also looking to break free from the IR was PJ.  He came into this game coming off a rough first game.  Looking to put himself back on the map as a premier Grinder.  Id say he do so with an extremely solid line, shooting over 50% with 15 points and 11 boards.  Rounding out the scoring was a couple chip in buckets from General Muldowney.  A player whose game isn’t predicated on the points but more on the Rebounds and a flare for the theatrics.  Was team Curtis able to pull it off…..

With this game looking like a blowout for Team Garrett in the first half.  Turned into a redemption story and come back by Team Curtis, who walks away with BIG DUBS 73-66.  With the league parity better than it ever has been in the past, these games early in the season could loom large for future matchups…

Going in, this seemed to be a fairly even matchup – but it didn’t take long for T eam Time-Shifter Justin to assert their dominance. You may look at the box score and see a quite mediocre performance from Captain Justin: 5/21 shooting is not what we usually see from super tall guy. But in the case of shooting the ball, you can always count on Bryant to carry the load – and he turned in possibly his best career game, dropping 29 points on a defense that for 35 minutes had no interest in guarding him. Zach delivered another quality-over-quantity performance, with an 11/10/5 stat line and a lots of hustle on defense. Tirado subbed for the missing KO and drained three from range and was the second-leading scorer with 16 points. It’s not too out of the ordinary to see 30 shots out of Bryant, but if he can produce more performances like this, Team Justin could be a serious threat down the road.

For Team Peyton, you kind of knew what type of performance they were going to give after watching them for 5 minutes. In the span of 20 seconds, Peyton ran off with an ouchie on his fingie, Chuck fled the gym to upchuck (lol), and OMJ was steamed that him and his kin could not connect on a single pass. Grant as usual was there just having a good time, but despite a 20 point and 11 rebound effort, could not bring his teammates together. Peyton ended with 14 points and 8 boards, but also had a backbreaking 6 turnovers. Chuck started hot and netted 6 three-pointers, but noticeably fell off in the second half. OMJ shot 2/8 but dished out 5 assists. Fatigue and lackluster effort may have been Team Peyton’s undoing, and with a matchup against Team Garrett coming up, a similar showing could very well produce a similar result.

In a very dull, unexciting basketball matchup, the teams led by Mike Gersitz and Chris Cole put on a “show”. Both captains delivered standout performances, but it was the team dynamics and individual contributions that truly defined the game.

Gersitz’s squad shined throughout the night. Mike Gersitz was the shiniest star of the night, scoring 28 points with an impressive 70% field goal percentage. It was kind of like nobody tried to stop him. His all-around game was on full display as he added 4 rebounds, 4 assists, and 4 steals. Despite not attempting any free throws or three-pointers, Gersitz’s efficiency was unmatched. E Boerdner provided a strong presence in the paint, securing 12 points and 12 rebounds. Although his shooting was less accurate at 33.3%, his contributions were vital. Boerdner also chipped in with 4 assists and 4 turnovers. Mike “I can’t Turn Left” Ford struggled with his shooting, hitting only 2 of his 10 attempts, but he made up for it with 9 rebounds and 4 assists. Jeff May added 16 points, 7 rebounds, and 4 assists, along with 2 steals and 3 blocks, showcasing his defensive prowess. Overall, Gersitz’s team shot 43.3% from the field and 44.8% in effective field goal percentage, totaling 61 points. They dominated the boards with 32 rebounds and shared the ball effectively with 16 assists. Their defense was solid, recording 7 steals and 3 blocks, but they struggled with 15 turnovers. They’ll need to improve on that against other non-Chris Cole led teams.

Chris Cole matched Gersitz’s scoring output with 28 points, shooting 48.1% from the field. Cole was a force on the boards, grabbing 16 rebounds and maintaining an effective field goal percentage of 51.9%. Lil Josh added 6 points and 4 rebounds, while Mike Boccio contributed 6 points and 5 rebounds. Both players had shooting percentages of 37.5% and 33.3%, respectively. Tommy Hughes, despite a tough shooting night with only 25% from the field, scored 12 points and led the team with 7 assists and 5 steals. Cole’s team shot a despicable 36.8% from the field and 38.2% in effective field goal percentage, scoring a total of 52 points. They pulled down 28 rebounds and recorded 11 assists. Their defense was strong with 7 steals and only 7 turnovers, showcasing their ability to protect the ball.

This game did not have fans.

Kicking off the 2024 Fall Session, we saw two captains who decided to not show up and let their teams fend for themselves. In place of Gersitz/Ford and Garrett/Lanzot/Salvati, Wayne and Cole filled in respectively. Yawn snooze boring!

Team Gersitz just couldn’t find their rhythm, as E and Jeff May combined for 12/33 shooting, and 10 combined turnovers. Not ideal! New guy Bobby made his debut and dazzled with an 0/9 line and 5 airballs. Sub man Wayne tried his darndest, getting hot from behind the arc, but it was much too little and far too late. A very forgettable opener for the team that was heavily touted as a favorite post-draft, but hopefully Gersitz and Ford can return soon to get them into form.

Team Garrett just simply outshot and outperformed their opponents, getting open mid ranges and layups at will.  “Crazy” Al had his way with the soft defense, hitting his patented 10 foot jumpers at a stellar 52% clip. He ran circles around the very slow T eam Gersitz, and garnered 4 steals. The Real MVP Pauly P showed no signs of slowing down from last session, dropping 12 points, 14 rebounds, and 7 combined steals and blocks.  “Bang Bang” Jon Tirado hit 4 three-balls on 19 shots, but also added 5 assists. Submarine Cole shot 9/15 to the tune of a 20/10/6 stat line and a 30 GAPE. Hopefully next time these squads face off, they are at full strength and we can see a much more competitive game.

Fun Fact:

Neither “Captain” played in a game for first time in Grinder History
(editors note: may or may not be true.  Nobody actually fact checked, but GAPE Chicken said it’s probably true.)

An early season meeting between 2 teams who could/should be involved in the semi-final story at the end of the season. Both teams were missing key components to their end-game. He Hate Me was missing league villain Tommy “Over the Hill” Hughes while Tall Justin was missing Richie “Bet on Black” Creamer and Mike “Shuge” Benjamin.

Tall Justin’s squad came out firing on all cylinders with Bryant the “Smooth Criminal” splashing (2) 3’s in Cole’s smug face as well as Tall Justin man-handling Wayne “Business Decisions” Haynes on the block and in the mid-range. The Tall Boys jumped out to a quick 9 point lead to start the game.

It was at that moment when “Lil” Josh decided to put his footprint on the game (and up the TallBoys’ arses). He picked Kellen “Stop It” Owen up full court and disrupted their offensive flow. “Lil” Josh wasn’t just a defensive specialist. He continued to splash jumper after jumper in the faces of the TallBoys and their “matador D”. Josh continued his desecration of his opponent further by using his patented pump fake to free himself for more jumpers to be splashed. At one point this reporter swears they saw him give Zach “I’m Retired” Newberry the finger as he flew by like a sheet of paper in the breeze, before laying one in and slapping the board. Not to be outdone, Mike “Charlie Hustle” Boccio picked up his defensive effort with a steal and coast to coast layup. Boccio channelled his inner Rodman and gobbled up offensive rebound after offensive rebound as the He Hate Me offense took advantage of the extra possessions.

The game started to look like a runaway but the veteran TallBoys team mounted a furious comeback led by a Kellen 3 and a plethora of Bryant layup on a hapless Cole and the low-post game of Newberry. He Hate Me was able to rally and turn up the defensive intensity (also known as “No blood no foul”), stop the scoring run, and pull away late.

Highlights from the game:
“Lil” Josh: 6/13, 13/5/2/2
Boccio’s hustle: 6/4/3 (reb/ast/stl)
Newberry: Hero Baller of the Week
Cole: Guy of the Week

Lowlights:
Bryant getting punked in front of his “loved ones” in the rafters
Tallboys’ shooting percentage (31%)
He Hate Me decision making: 13 TO’s

Opening week’s grand finale saw the not-so-triumphant return of Pauly J and Jon Witt to the Eldredge courts, along with the legendary Grant Decz, who apparently decided to play basketball for something to do. Team Peyton was all set to exploit Team Curtis’ roster of rehab veterans and prove that Captain Tenneal’s season preview was just a load of baloney.

Old Man Jon kicked things off with a “jumper” that actually went in, and from that point, Team Curtis was playing catch-up like a dog chasing its tail. Captain Peyton was on fire, shooting 11-24 for 22 points before deciding to audition for the Harlem Globetrotters with some wild shots from downtown, much to the horror of his senior teammates. He also snagged 10 rebounds for a double-double. Grant “Pardon Me” Decz, despite running out of steam towards the end, managed his own double-double (16/14) and even swatted away three of Curtis Masich’s layup attempts. Yes, you read that right – first game in years and Grant’s already in beast mode. OMJ and Chuck T combined for 9/19, with Chuck hitting a ludicrous 5/10 from three-point land. Team Peyton’s win was never in doubt as they collectively shot 42.4% for the evening.

Meanwhile, Team Curtis looked like they were playing a game of “Who Can Miss More?” Mythic WAPers Curtis and Jon Witt didn’t meet a shot they didn’t like. Jon “Traveling Man” Witt was a respectable 11/24 for 22 points, but Curtis could only muster 17 points off a disappointing 8/21 shooting. Paul J was shaking off more rust than an old lawnmower and struggled with his shot all night.  Cory Muldowney was matched up against Peyton, OMJ, and Chuck – who combined still give up 30lbs to the full-figured big man.  Captain Curtis must have missed that mismatch memo though, as Cory only managed 5 shots and was made completely irrelevant.  That and… Chuck T completely handled him down low.  Be better Team Curtis.

Fun Fact:

Curtis is shooting 38.1% for the season.

OMJ is shooting better than Curtis.
Peyton is shooting better than Curtis.
Grant is shooting better than Curtis.
Chuck is shooting better than Curtis.

Ah, the thrilling basketball showdown between Team Chris and the Peyton Panthers—a clash of titans that left spectators on the edge of their seats. Let’s dive into the stats, shall we?

Team Chris: The “Almost There” Squad
Grinder’s resident loudmouth Chris Cole decided to channel his inner Steph Curry last week. With a whopping 1 three-pointer, he made sure the opposing team knew that he’s not just here for the free snacks during halftime. And hey, shooting 75% from the field? That’s practically like hitting a bullseye while blindfolded. Kudos, Chris! Ah, Chuck. His shooting form is as consistent as a broken clock. With 3 three-pointers and a 0.300 FG%, he’s basically saying, “Why settle for easy shots when you can make life interesting?” Jon, Jon, Jon. His 5 three-pointers are like a fireworks show—bright, flashy, and leaving everyone wondering if they’ll ever come down. Wayne, oh Wayne. His 4 three-pointers are like a symphony of swishes. Shooting 55.6% from the field? It’s practically a love letter to the rim, saying, “You complete me.” And that 0.667 EFG%? Well, it’s the kind of precision that would make a Swiss watch jealous. Wayne is the hero we didn’t know we needed. This team made it rain all game long and coasted to a blow out win – with Jon T capping the game with an insulting final three.

Peyton: The Unstoppable Force
Bryant “The Grinder”, because apparently regular names just won’t cut it, had 2 three-pointers and 0.389 FG%. Bryant’s stats are basically an orgy of chaos. It’s like saying, “I’m here to disrupt your plans, one missed shot at a time. Eric shoots like he’s aiming for the moon. “I will probably miss, but when I don’t, it’s magical.” Jimmy’s shooting form is smoother than a jazz saxophonist on a moonlit night. With 2 three-pointers and a 0.529 FG%, he’s practically whispering to the ball, “You’re my muse, baby.” And that 0.588 EFG%? Well, let’s just say it’s the kind of efficiency that would make Marie Kondo proud—every shot sparks joy. Jimmy, is a work of art. Mike Benjamin, this team’s former resident phantom, decided to play hide-and-seek with the basket. Zero points, zero field goals, and zero EFG%. Worm was heard saying “Scoring? Nah, I prefer existential contemplation.” Team captain Peyton Urbaniak, the enigma wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a basketball jersey, “contributed” nothing. Zero points, zero field goals, and zero EFG%. When interviewed after the game, Peyton shrugged, “I’m not here to impress anyone. I’m here to baffle everyone.” Peyton, you’ve got us all scratching our heads. And finally, Tommy Hughes—the invisible man. Zero points, zero field goals, zero EFG%, and zero everything else. It’s like he’s saying, “I’m not even sure how I got on this court, but hey, I’m here.” Tommy, you’re the unsung hero of obscurity. In summary, the Peyton Panthers put on a “show” that’s equal parts dazzling and head-scratching. They’ve got more zeros than a Sudoku puzzle.

Fun fact: GAPE Chicken lost Tommy’s stat line. Sorry big guy, that’s why we try to keep limited to the Graphic’s department.

7:30 Team Fordner 56 vs Team MV Palombo 65
“The Battle of the Big Guys.” “The Return of Mr. 47.” “Supporting cast Scuffle.” These are all titles that this game could have had. Instead, the only “big guys” that showed up were Ford and Gersitz and Mr. 47 looked more like Mr. 4.7. Alas, onto the game.

It looked like Team Fordner was looking to feature Zach “DIVA Skyhook” Newberry on the block as the key cog to their offensive gameplan. Newbs was able to dominate Justin “Achilles Heel” Gerardi in the post. Newbs went 7/12 for 14 points down low. He also bullied his way to 10 rebounds on the much, much, smaller defender. In fact the self-proclaimed “DIVA of Destruction” beat up poor defenseless Helmet so badly that a double team was brought on every touch. This allowed Zach to collect a tidy 5 assists, many of them to Mike “They Better Not Leave Me Open” Ford. Mr. “I Travel for Work” had himself a game (and a spiked milkshake after). Ford dropped 27 on his defenseless counterparts on 11/21 shooting, including a career-high (5) 3’s. With those kind of numbers, Team Fordener should have ran out to an easy win……except they let Cole and E touch the ball. Cole and E combined for a pathetic 7/30 shooting performance with only (1) 3 pointer made. At certain points of the game Gersitz wasn’t even covering Cole, and allowing him to shoot. It was that bad.

Team MVPalombo welcomed back former league superstar Mike “My Neck and My Back” Malicki. Malicki must have caught whatever shooting virus that plagued E and Cole as his return was quite lackluster. Malicki went 2/15 and had a -8 GAPE. Not the return he wanted, but it was good to see him on the court again. Luckily for their squad former DADBOD great Mike “Cobra” Salvati stepped up to the plate and delivered big time. Salvati slithered his way to 16 points on a scorching 8/11 shooting performance. He also chipped in with 5 boards, 1 assist, and 1 steal. Captain P. toyed with the awful defense in front of him and almost had a triple-double (10/12/8). “P” picked up right where he left off on his quest for back to back MVP’s.

Speaking of heroic efforts, we’d like to bring back the exploits of one Justin “Warpath” Gerardi. With Ford playing “velcro-like” defense Helmet decided to remind everyone about his personal line of posters that he gives out. First he splashed a 3 right in Ford’s 8 chins. Second, he hit a pull-up J in Ford’s eye. Lastly, he out ran Ford on a fast-break, took off from the bottom of the circle, and finger-rolled one of the most beautiful layups Grinders has ever seen. In a fit of jealousy, Ford placed one of his travel pamphlets on the court behind Helmet, causing a banana peel situation. Helmet slipped and partially tore his achilles. Speedy recovery sir!

While we speak of exploits, we must retrace our steps to DIVA Newberry. Newbs used to be one of Grinder’s best defenders. Now that he is being used as a go-to scorer, he has apparently decided to only play on that end. Mike “Starch Your Whites” Gersitz lit up Newberry like a J on 4/20. Gersitz had a league high 38 GAPE with a 27/11/6/2/2 stat line on 60% shooting. Maybe he figured out the trick to bustin’ Newbs or maybe Newbs, in his new role, layed down like a paid lady of the eve. You be the judge.

Fun facts from the game:
Ford’s 27 points are a career high. As are his 5 three’s.
Ford gave up more than 27 from all the people he “guarded.”
Team Fordener (0-2) could be the first team in Grinders history not to qualify for the postseason.

8:30 primetime game Team OMJ vs Team Crazy.

A (forfeit) game that featured some subs was close early with Team OMJ going back and forth between man and zone. Also included the unfortunate injury of Helmet who was subbing. Which led to Wayne coming in to play and creating havoc on offense and defense scoring 28 points combined with other sub. Garrett “Lumberjack” Beesing had what is becoming a standard week for him with 22 points and 12 Rebounds.

Curtis “Love every shot” Masich started off cold but finished strong when it was too late for a comeback with 31 points. Not having Big Josh definitely hurt Team OMJ in this one and no matter what defense they were in Team captain “Crazy” AL couldn’t be stopped having 20 points and even attempted a three pointer this game. Team Crazy getting its first win of the season now has 4 teams in grinders at 1-1