A much anticipated match up between the current top 2 seeds! Team Garrett looked utterly dominant up to this point, while Team Cole was still trying to find its identity. Well they may have found it, and its name is Wayne. Just an absolute evisceration of Team G-Spot’s “defense” to the tune of 34 points on 60% shooting. Wayne’s 39 GAPE was more than Garrett’s whole team combined. Cole had his own very respectable GAPEage, with 26 despite only 6 points. 14 rebounds and 11 assists will do. Tommy may have shook off some rust from his slow start as he turned in a neat little 8/6/5 line. Josh and Boccio played too. An emphatic statement was made in this one, and if Wayne’s back doesn’t give out from all the carrying he did, you should never count this team out of the running. As for Team Garrett, well, it’s not hard to see what went wrong in this one. Their captain held his own, shooting 9/20 and had 0 turnovers. Al continued to be a midrange menace with 17 points.  And then there was the other 4. Tirado: 2/11. Lanzot 0/7. Pauly P? 1/10. Salvati saved the team’s percentage by going 50% (½). 9 points from 4 players?? That is not the objective of the sport, people! Just uncharacteristic ineptitude from the 1 seed in this one. And also complete disinterest in getting a hand in Wayne’s face as he continued to splash from three. Maybe this week these guys will feel like playing for realsies or something. Fun Fact: Team Cole admitted postgame to not asking for consent whilst pummeling Team Garrett. Also one captain called the other captain a fruit of sorts. (Loosely paraphrased.)

One aspect of this matchup not talked about enough was the presence of our newest Grinder, Bobby. Well this beat writer does not simply look at the box score, no no. I mean sure, 8 points and 11 boards with a 14 GAPE, you’d look at that and say wow, a career game for the new guy!  But if you were to say that, then you didn’t truly witness the authority in which Bobby scored those 8 points. Reverse lays, finishing through contact, hustling for boards, jumping over taller people, my goodness. He was just exuding aura the whole 40 minutes, and I envy that. Some other things of note include “E” dropping 12/6/5 on 62% shooting! A very solid effort, overshadowed by Jeff May’s near-30 shot performance, which netted him 19 points, caring not for the stifling defense of Chuck/Ben. Ford contributed little offensively but did grab himself 9 rebounds and a block. Captain Gersitz opted not to shoot much, only tallying 9 attempts and 10 points, but oh man. I would be remiss if I did not bring up one of the most riveting Grinders sequences in recent memory. Grant ran the fastbreak and thought he had a nice easy layup over Bobby. But LeGersitz stuffed him with a chase down, and the rest is history. Grant gets the rebound, puts it up again, BLOCKED. 4 straight blocks on the same guy, in the same possession. Chaos in the gym ensued. Mind you, Grant is no small fella. He would get him a 5th time later in the game, absolutely crushing his confidence. The score may have been settled by only 2 points, but the game sure felt over after that tantalizing display.

Perfect segue into Team Peyton’s performance: Grant, usually very calm and controlled, went and shot 29 times after the humiliation at the hands of Gersitz. People will remember the big moment, but a 24/8 stat line is nothing to laugh at. Captain Peyton finally shot under 50%, but delivered 10 points and 6 rebounds, while also delivering a revenge block on Gersitz for the crimes he committed against his star teammate. Chuck dropped 11 points, only connecting on 3 three balls, as his 4th make was shockingly a layup! Ben had a rough go, only sinking 3 of his 15 attempts, but did grab 9 rebounds and 3 steals. Not the best effort from this top 3 team, as they were in yet another game decided by one score – this time on the losing end. We’ll see if they can rebound this week against the 1-5 Team Curtis ………….

Wait, this game was only decided by 6 points? It sure didn’t feel like it. Team Justin stymied the Team Curtis “offense,” of course consisting of only Curtis and Jon Witt. Bryant had 3 blocks, guarding Curtis for most of the game, and shot 50% on 16 (!!) shots. “Sub” led the team in GAPE with 24, with 18 points and 18 rebounds. Pretty good I guess. KO led the team in shots surprisingly, and also apparently had 4 blocks as well! (GAPE Chicken Note – Whatever, Vic).  Zach was too busy “fouling” Curtis and chirping at the sideline refs to score any points. Not too many more notes here, I’m still just shocked that they only won by 6.

Team Curtis, where do I begin? I know: how about the fact that 54 of the team’s 65 shots came from two guys? Curtis and Witt both tried their hardest to will their heaves into the basket, but it just wasn’t happening, and it was a little sad to watch. 8/28 for the Captain, 8/26 for Witt. Both also ended with 8 GAPE and a spot on the WAP board. Paul J and T odd were shell shocked when the ball (sparingly) hit their hands, as both ended with just 4 points apiece. They did lead the team in GAPE with 12 and 11 respectively. This team could be frisky if their shots start falling at a more reasonable rate. Will that ever happen? I don’t know, I’m just a reporter… this outing must have made the team not want to play anymore, as they will have to forfeit this week’s game against Team Peyton. Saving face? Scared cowards? Who am I to say?

In the world of amateur basketball, there are games that go down in history for their sheer athletic brilliance. Then, there are games that we remember because they were like watching a slow-motion train wreck. Last week’s face-off between Gersitz and Peyton definitely fell into the latter category, providing equal parts cringe and comedy for the few brave souls who witnessed the spectacle.

Let’s start with Team Gersitz. Bobby “The New Grinder” started with the audacity of maintaining a worst-season-ever reversing 0.625 FG%. One has to admire the audacity of learning to shoot whilst unguarded. Eric Boerdner, shooting with a precision you’d expect from someone trying to hit the broadside of a barn, managed to sink two out of ten attempts. Jeff May’s shooting was at least respectable; with a whopping 0.400 FG%, he proved that aiming for the basket sometimes works out. But the real shocker was Mike “That’s a foul” Ford, whose impressive 0.125 FG% surely left the crowd wondering if he knew which way the basket was. As for Mike Gersitz, his solid numbers across the board managed to keep the team’s dignity from completely sinking into oblivion, as usual.

Switching to Peyton, Ben Sears’ performance was nothing short of… mystifying. You’d think he was aiming for invisible baskets, given his solid 0.167 FG%. Meanwhile, Chuck Thomasulo showed us what it means to hustle, hitting 3 of 13 shots, a stat line you could easily confuse with a busy stock ticker. Grant Decz had a slightly better night with his 0.412 FG%, and Jon Urbaniak’s reliable shooting left everyone pondering if maybe, just maybe, this sport wasn’t for everyone. Then there’s Peyton Urbaniak, the beacon of hope and “Guy of The Week”. His spectacular 20 points and 0.727 FG% surely made the rest of his teammates look like they wandered in from a different sport.

In the end, it wasn’t just about the numbers; it was about the guts, the glory, and the gory spectacle of one of the season’s most entertaining calamities. Peyton took the win with a 51 to 47, proving that sometimes, even in the chaos, there’s a little bit of method.

Fun Facts:
Mike Ford audibly outed OMJ as a lousy defender, not once, but twice in this matchup. He implored Boerdner to “go to work” on the first possession he was guarded by OMJ, and then demanded the ball in the second half when he thought OMJ would guard him. OMJ took that personally and whined about it all night long after the game. Let’s see how that worked out.

Boerdner finished with 4 points on 2/10.
Ford finished with 2 points on 1/8.
OMJ finished with 4 points on 2/5.

Boerdner finished with 3 air balls.
Ford finished with 1 air ball.
OMJ had NO air balls

Boerdner had 4 rebounds.
Ford had 5 rebounds.
OMJ had 7 rebounds.

Boerdner had 0 steals.
Ford had 0 steals.
OMJ had 2 steals.

Boerdner had +1 GAPE.
Ford had -1 GAPE (not very good).
OMJ had +11 GAPE.

Boerdner and Ford had a combined Game Score of 38.0
OMJ had a Game Score of 38.3

TALL JUSTIN, under the leadership of Bryant “The Grinder,” displayed moments of brilliance despite some inconsistencies. Bryant achieved a respectable 0.526 field goal percentage, contributing 22 points, 6 rebounds, and 2 assists. Justin Rybinski also stood out because he’s tall, and he scored 22 points and maintained a 0.474 field goal percentage. Kellen Owen and Zach Newberry added to the team’s effort (more so KO as Zach “not Zak” uncharacteristically had 4 airballs and a bunch of turnovers), but their performances highlighted the need for increased accuracy and consistency.

On the other side, the CURTIS team experienced a challenging game. After a week filled with anonymous sources crying to the media and internal strife, Cory Muldowney struggled to make an impact, with no successful field goals. Curtis Masich, however, provided a beacon of hope with his 33 points and a 0.419 field goal percentage. Jon Witt and Paul Johnson supported the team’s effort with steady performances, but Todd Nixon’s zero points underscored the need for better offensive strategies. Speaking of strategies, this team did try something different this game, with Curtis “The Big WAPPER” Masich shooting the ball 31 times and letting his teammates, collectively, shoot 32 times. Like the previous 3 weeks – proved to be ineffective. Perhaps they could employ the GAPE Chicken for some additional ideas.

Despite the lack of team cohesiveness, Curtis nearly made a buzzer beating half court three to win the game. That would have been hysterical.

Last week’s prime time event was more abortion than an actual basketball game.

Starting with GARRETT, Al Derrico demonstrated that even the most consistent players can hit new lows, proudly maintaining a 0.261 FG% and -1 GAPE. Garrett Beesing, though, tried to keep the ship afloat with his 16 points, perhaps as confused about his 0.389 FG% as everyone else was. Josh Lanzot’s 0.385 FG%, 13 rebounds – and Mike Salvati’s impressive 0.000 FG% (an apparent aversion to making baskets) left us all wondering if they had even remembered to tie their shoes. Paul Palumbo’s 0.200 FG% rounded out the effort with a performance that was as inspiring as a limp… balloon.

As for team He Hate Me, Chris Cole led with a solid 13 points, barely managing to keep his head above the statistical swamp with a 0.462 FG%. Josh Morcelle must have mistaken the basketball court for a minefield, or just remembered he was Josh Morcelle – with his 0.154 FG%, and Wayne Haynes, perhaps inspired by the art of throwing bricks, shot a 0.280 FG%. Sub’s heart was clearly in it, showing just enough competence to claim a 0.167 FG%.

In the end, Beesing’s squad was just too much and got the W. It wasn’t so much a game as it was a masterclass in how not to play basketball. The score was like 4-3 after 15 minutes. Both teams showcased a level of ineptitude that left everyone who watched wishing they had BEEN an abortion so they didn’t need to see that trash.