Editors Note: As much effort was put into editing this for grammar and aesthetics as was put into writing this by our league beat reporter…

Since all YOU PEOPLE suck balls, I decided to take a mini-vacation and cruise along the coast, enjoying tasty IPA’s and giving rusty trombones to girls from Virginia. Now that I am back I have to tell you this season has been a disappointment. Not from a fun or competition standpoint though. I’m frankly upset with the lack of commitment to Grinders at Eldridge. Attendance needs to be better. Show up or get out. I’d also like to address the subbing issues. We know Cole was a dick in the playoffs. After seeing who you folks are trying to get sub, I can’t blame him. You shouldn’t be able to “sub-up” and get a better player. Hell, you shouldn’t be able to “sub-even”. It’s your player that’s missing. You shouldn’t benefit from being short. All that being said, this week’s games have playoff seeding at stake. Here’s what could happen………

IPAirballs:

They get the 1-seed if:

– they win both

– they go 1-1 but beat Lethal Shooters

– Lethal Shooters loses a game

Lethal Shooters:

They get the 1-seed if:

– they win both games

– could drop to the 3 seed  based on tie-breakers with Dog or Cole

Squatting Dog/We Despise Cole and all HE Stands For

– no team can climb higher than 2 (if Shooters loses at all)

– this game is probably for the 3 seed

– the loser could be the 6-seed depending on tie-breakers

Mother Chuckers/You People

– can only get as high as the 4-seed

– will come down to tie-breakers with loser of Dog v Cole and each other

That’s all for now. Until next week, piss off.

Week 1 bla bla bla. Someone won (not Curt) and someone lost (almost always Curt). Week 2 bla bla bla. Rinse, repeat, spew bile. I’m not inspired to write about the weekly goings-ons right now. Soooooooooooo, I feel like a draft recap, winners/losers, team assessment article is much more fun. Here you go. I hope “you people” like it.

First, a shout out to Old Man Jon (who definitely did not write this week’s article). Not only did he draft his team (like he was Jerry West), but I was able to follow along with the draft on Twitter thanks to his up to the minute posts. I hope the league continues to do fun things like that (more live games, live draft, etc.).

P.S. Some of the quotes were truly glorious.

Second, it sounds like the new guys at the draft table really enjoyed their experience. I hear the captain’s text is a hoot (if you heart being miserable). I’m happy that we at Grinders HQ have decided to get more people involved.

ONTO THE DRAFT!!!!! 

I’m going to start with a draft steal/overpay section.

Biggest Steals:

1. Jimmy Z for $11. I know Jimmy has struggled in the past, but $11 out of a $50 salary cap for a COLLEGE FREAKING BASKETBALL PLAYER, WTF were “you people” doing? Easily the steal of the draft. (Old Man Jon)

2. Soft-ass Tall Justin for $15. Size is a premium in this league and he’s the tallest guy we got. He can shoot too. Justin can be a match-up nightmare. He had no business going for under $20. (Old Man Jon – again)

Biggest Overpays:

1. I’m not sure if you people pay attention but Chris Cole is NOT a top player in the league. He wasn’t worth the $31 Witt paid for him 3 drafts ago and he certainly shouldn’t be the highest paid Grinder again ($30). Wake up people. You’re not paying for Tom Brady. You’re getting Joe Flacco……at best.

2. I’m not sure if you people pay attention but Tommy Hughes is NOT a top player in the league……anymore. The days of Tommy Triple-Double are done and over with. $27 for a poor-man’s old Mark Jackson is ridiculous. The fact that he came within $2 or Gersitz is obscene.

Team outlooks:

IPAirballs: Pre-season pick for the ‘ship. Got Justin and Jimmy for nothing (combined they cost as much as Tommy). Filled in with another big guy in Vaillancourt and got some outside shooting and athleticism in Pauly J. OMJ had a pre-draft plan and executed it flawlessly.

prediction: in the finals

Lethal Shooters: Bang-Bang Tirado came out of the shoot firing. He bought the first 2 players put up for auction (Ford and Curt). We like the addition of Doyle (at nice value $13) and “lil Cuz brings some of the dirty that the “talented” players on the team refuse to do. 

prediction: Should see them in the semis.

Mother Chuckers: Chuck said he had a plan. He wanted another shooter and a distributor. He got both in Tommy and Jeff “Superman” May. He added more size and ball-handling in Josh Lanzot and a Pat Bev pest in Todd “Freakin'” Nixon. Chuck paid a lot for Tommy but got great value in May ($15) and Lanzot ($7). 

prediction: Should make the semis.

Squatting Dog: Worm was a big question mark as a newer Grinders member. Would he know everyone? Would he have pre-draft rankings? Would he f it up? Well, he got umpteen time league MVP Gersitz. Check. He got Richie for $13 which is pretty cheap for a guy who tends to do well week-to-week. We’re trying to figure out how Bobby and Salvati fit in the mix? Is this a 2-man team or can they gel? 

prediction: out in the 1/4’s

We Highly Dislike Chris Cole: League wise-guy Josh was thought of as a captain to watch out for who could put a great team together. Drafting Cole for $30 sure as hell brought that to a crashing halt. He paid too much for a guy who can’t make layups or jumpers, or generally score. Josh did do nicely filling out the rest of the roster, getting bargains with KO for $9 and E for $6. They should both easily outperform their contracts. Ben for $5 could be interesting.

prediction: out in the 1/4’s

You People: Helmet had a big advantage in being a 20 yr league veteran. He went the route of old reliables, getting fellow vets Witt, Crazy Al, and Newbs. We at HQ think that he paid under value for all of these players, getting great deals. Helmet also got league bad-boy Wayne. Wayne can do a little bit of everything. The question for this team is how they all fit together and what identity they can form.

prediction: in the semis

The times they are a-changin’…………

Finally the Blue Bloods have yielded their grip on the reins and invited the “mid-majors” to the dance (aka the fellas with the monster dongs). The mini-session is upon us and the usual suspects won’t be drafting. Instead we could be headed to a major shakeup of teammates thanks to Helmet, ‘Lil Josh, Chuck, Tirado, Worm, and Old Man Jon. I for one am very interested to see how this pans out. We could get some “dream” teams for the tabloids. Imagine Tommy playing with Richie, Curt playing with Cole, Vaillancourt with E., or anyone actually bidding on Ford on purpose. We are looking at a 5-game regular season and a 2-week playoff.

6 pre-draft questions:

1. Will anyone top Jimmy’s $32 price tag?

2. Who will get the curse of top paid player?

3. Will Playoff MVP Newberry get the financial respect HE thinks he deserves?

4. Who will be overspent on? (Hint – everyone)

5. Will the captains actually play on their teams, or will they be relegated to the bench yet again? (Will this writer even get drafted?)

6. Can enemies co-exist for the betterment of their teams or will egos prevail? (We certainly hope not)

The playoffs……..

Quarter-finals

We here at Grinders HQ were wondering if the cream would rise to the top. The betting favorites would eventually make their claim to the title. 

In the quarter-finals Team Curt (Hoops) took out Team Handsome Boy (Justin). Whose 1-2 punch would play better was the question surrounding this one. Curt and May outplayed Justin and Jimmy, fueled by some late game turnovers and missed shots. Justin is left to wonder what could have been if only Jimmy lived up to his league record $32 salary.

In the other quarter-final the only question would be if Mike Milicki would be healthy? A healthy Milicki gave Stye-Eye a shot at it all. A hobbled Milicki and their season would be over. Team Framer (Richie/Ford) took advantage of an injured Mike and beat up the rest of the team. Framer had 3 people with over a 20 GAPE. They dominated the game on the inside and moved on.

Semi-finals

In the first semi-final the reigning/defending champs (Hi-liter) took on the league’s best scoring duo from Hoops. Hoops had what many people thought was the best chance to knock off Mike “The Big Fundamental” Gersitz and co. Hoops was missing Josh Lanzot which proved to be costly. Hoops couldn’t get many open looks and had too many 1 and done possessions. Team Hi-liter ran their offense through Big G to the tune of 28 and 16. Though the game was close at times, Pauly J and Wayne hit big buckets late to keep Hoops at bay and take the W.

In the second semi-final Team Framer (all 2 of them) took on the Dadbods. Team Framer should have forfeited but league director Jon “2-rings” Witt was benevolent and gave Framer 2 subs to try and advance. The subs (Worm and “Bang Bang” Tirado) actually outplayed the actual members of the squad. Vaillancourt and Chuck combined to shoot 4 of 23 for 10 points. Worm and Jon combined for 24. The Dadbods did what the Dadbods do, shorten possessions, set offenses back 80 years (think 4-corners). They took advantage of the missing Framer “studs” (I find that laughable to describe Framer players) to bore their way to the finals.

Championship

Oh…….it…….was……..on. The 2 best teams. Identical 8-2 records. The season series was split 1-1. Contrasting styles. The makings of a classic. There was no love lost between these 2 teams. The Hi-liters beat the Dadbods in the last game of the regular season to capture the 1-seed (by tiebreaker). Things got hot and heated in that one and it would continue in the pre-game. Tommy was complaining and crying about the team the Dadbods played in the semis. This continued throughout the night with he and Cole yelling at each other. Onto the game…..

For all the theatrics this game turned out to be a dud. The defending champs came out flat and fell flat. The best offense in the league was held to 13 made fg’s. They had 3 players with a negative GAPE by game’s end. Big G. was held to 10 total attempts and no one else on the team scored in double digits.

The Dadbods led 17-11 at half. Hi-liters made a run cutting the lead to 27-25 before “2-rings” and KO hit 4 straight jumpers to pump the lead back to 10. “New Guy” Salvait hit a jumper late and Playoff MVP Newberry controlled the boards late to secure the victory*.

Rumors swirl that the Dadbods will “run it back” in September. Until then, keep on Grinding.

……and now we’ve come…..to the end of the road (you know you were singing it in your best Boyz II Men voice).

There will be no prior week recap. We came. We saw. We played (some of us anyway). Some won (Dadbods…..twice, Hi-liter, Framer). Some lost (Curt……twice). Without further ado, here is how the playoff seeding can shake out based on the season finales.

8:30….Prime Time….. Game of the Week….etc. etc. etc. Dadbod’s VS Hi-liter

This is simple. Winner gets the 1 seed. If Hi-liter wins, both teams will have the same record and split their season series. Hi-liter has a better differential for the season and wins the tiebreaker. If the Dadbods win they finish with the best record in the league. So, winner is the 1 seed, loser is the 2-seed (not that it should matter for either club).

7:30…… Team Framer VS Captain MIA

Team Framer is playing for the 3 seed. Milicki and co. are playing to get out of the basement (aka Curt’s home). If Team Framer wins they are the 3-seed. They split with the pretty boys and Justin, but boast a better overall differential. If they lose and Handsome Boys win, Team Framer falls to the 4-seed. If Mike and Co win, they can jump to the 5-seed (coupled with a Hoops loss). With a loss they are basement bound.

6:30……. Fabio’s Wet Dream VS Dot the i…… I mean Hoops

If the Handsome boys win, they can jump to the 3-seed with a Framer loss (and win a bet I hear). With a loss they themselves can fall no further than the 4-seed. For Hoops, a win guarantees the 5-seed. A loss coupled with a MIA Mike win means Curty finishes in last place……a pretty big fall from the grace of the 1-seed last year (Think he misses Richie?????).

Here’s how we see things shaking out at Grinders HQ:

8:30 – Dadbod’s beat Hi-liters in a close one

7:30 – Framer destroys a hapless MIA

6:30 – Handsome Boys win but Curt avoids the cellar

IF PREDICTIONS HOLD………

1-seed: Dadbods 9-1

2-seed: Hi-liter (defending champs) 7-3

3-seed: Team Framer 5-5

4-seed: Handsome Boys 5-5

5-seed: Hoops I did it again 2-8

6-seed: Stye-Eye 2-8

March 16th playoff matchups IF THESE PREDICTIONS HOLD……

3 Framer vs 6 Stye Eye

4 Models vs 5 Hoops

We’re getting close to the end of the regular season. There’s only 2 weeks left for teams to jockey for position. Who’s a mover and who’s shaken?????

Oh and hey, we have Twitter now!

• @GrindersBBall

Team Framer vs Team No-shows

Game never happened……yet another forfeit.

Handsome S.O.B.’s vs Dadbod/Shammgodd

Team Justin got off to a hot start and took multiple 7 point leads. That hot start fizzled quickly though and their offense became offensive. The squad finished the first half down 20-13. I’m not sure if that’s a Grinders record for scoring futility in a half, but damn. The second half wasn’t much better. Handsome boys only scored 19 points in the second half. Justin started 2/2 for 5 points. He finished the game at 4 of 13. Jimmy also finished 4/13. Bobby finished 4/20 and was the only one who scored in double figures. Worm was 1/8 and Old Man Jon was 1/6. The GAPE’s were not pretty my friends.

The Dadbods started off slow……again, but figured it out as usual. They were led by self-proclaimed MVP Jon Witt who had a double-double (17/13/6/5/2) and Zach Zooblander who also contributed a double-double (10/11). This team continues to hold teams down on defense but will it last?

Hi-liters vs Stye-Eye

This game was more about who was out than who was there. The bright guys were missing league flagrant fouler Wayne “No Blood No Foul” Haynes. Stye Eye was missing their captain Mike “X stands for Miss” Milicki and Mark Doyle.

The game was highly contested in the first half with Mike “Big Fundamental” Gersitz dominating play. Big G. had 22 first half points and was gobbling up rebounds like Pac Man.Gersitz finished the game with a huge GAPE of 42, 28 points, and 18 rebounds. “First Ballot” Boerdner kept his team afloat. E had one of his better games in recent memory. He scored 28 points, had 16 rebounds, and 6 assists.

The Hi-liters uncharacteristically turned the ball over and over again. They finished the night with 14 of them. 13 of those turnovers were on steals which allowed Nixon and Tirado to score in the open court. Tirado banked in a huge 3 in OT to give Stye-Eye a 5 point lead. The rest of OT went back and forth until E buried 2 jumpers late to seal it for his squad. Pauly J and little Josh had games they would like to forget. Captain Hughes was seen post-game with his face in a towel wondering how it all went wrong.

Another week, another forfeit. Seriously people, make Wednesdays a priority. You signed up and committed. Try and play once in a while.

Oh and hey, we have Twitter now!

• @GrindersBBall

Hoops Curt Missed it Again vs Team Milicki

This was a pretty good game to watch, as far as competition goes. I do have to tell you that the offensive performances (save 1) were pretty lackluster. Team Milicki shot 27% from the field. “First Ballot” E scored 13 and “Bang Bang” Tirado scored 12. Tirado also chipped in with 13 rebounds. Todd “F’ing” Nixon led the shooting by going 3 of 9 from the field. This game may have gone another way if the “Human Cheat Code” Mike Milicki hadn’t gotten injured.

The Hoops squad was led by a wrecking ball of 1 man…..Jeff “Championship” May! May scored from the left. May scored from the right. May scored from the top of the key. May scored on the block. Here a May, there a May, everywhere a Jeff May. Jeff May showed his team who the real captain is (insert every Captain Phillips joke here_______________).. Former Captain Curt did score 16 (on 32%) and have 15 rebounds. Curt was a force on the offensive glass late. Besides going all Luka, Jeff May had 15 rebounds as well, and a game leading GAPE of 24. Crazy Al continued his poor shooting going 1/12. Helmet got to play finally and even took 2 shots (both misses). Helmet has extended his Grinders record scoreless streak at 200 minutes and counting.

Luke Perry Heart-throbs vs Hi-liters

The pretty boys forfeit to do their hair and nails.

Team Richie Does Ford’s Laundry vs Dadbod Does the Shammgod

The usual suspects in a prototypical powderkeg of a game of people who just can’t freaking stand each other. We were all waiting……with baited beer breath…..to watch this thing blow up. The insults, the barbs, the taunts, the jeers, all lined up and ready to go. Instead we got a typical, boring, Dadbod game of defense. Team Richie went up 11-0, bringing chants of “whitewash” and “game over” from the raucous Eldridge Club crowd. Ford subbed out and the Dadbods went on a run. Ford could be heard on the sideline, “Notice when I sub out we stop scoring?” A true team leader right there folks. Don’t let him near a bus.

Anyway, by half the Bods led by 2, 26-24. That lead was extended and the crowd could then be heard asking if Team Framer could reach 30 points (they did, at the 5 minute mark, ouch).

Richie lit it up for his team with a whopping 12 points. “Big Ben” Sears had 11. Vaillancharge, Chuck-its, and Ford could only manage 18 shots combined (they hit 5). The Dreambods were led by Jon “Melo” Witt who had 21 and Kellen “Rondo Clutch” Owen had 11. The trio of Newberry, Cole, and Salvati went 5/28.

Not-an-over-reaction Thursday:

New idea for next session – Not all teams make playoffs (maybe people will show up). Knobs.