Category: Kenny Blankenship

by The Beat Writer Staff

Week 3 Review

In Week 3, Grinders had the pleasure of watching two Polish guys and one Crazy guy dismantle the reigning champions, elbows get thrown, numerous injuries, and Team Jeff May actually get a chance to play. Oh and there was some sort of tussle or something. Enjoy this week’s recaps written with help of Vic Romano and GAPE Chicken.

Details

Date Time League Season Full Time
10/11/2023 6:30 pm Grinders 2023.3 40'
10/11/2023
58 - 40
Full Time

Results

TeamAir3PMFGMFGAFG%REBASTSTLBLKTOTmGAPETOutcome
Gersitz2228580.483271312057058Win
KO6418490.36724932102840Loss
This week kicked off with was supposed to be, according to beat reporter Vic, a lopsided game between the reigning Grinder’s Champions, Kellen and The Jets taking on Team “Life on the DL” Gersitz. And indeed… it was – just not in the manner anyone expected.

Team KO came out strong, but quickly faded as Father Time had his way with team captain, Kellen. A non-contact injury to his knee while chasing a loose ball ended the captain’s night, but not before he fired up 11 shots, missing 8 and earning a -1 GAPE. Defensive stalwart Zach Newberry was nursing an injury of his own and was expecting to play only a few minutes each half. Unfortunately he was forced to hobble his way through all but a few minutes – and honestly was the only one on his team who showed any spirit in the games final minutes. Tall Justin was left gasping for air, and had a double-double (13/10). Josh Lanzot did his normal Josh things – and managed to bulldoze his way to one of the Guys of the Week on 54.5% shooting. Tommy contributed nearly nothing to his team’s efforts, but did turn the ball over 3 times and led his team in whining about lack of fouls called against him (this beat writer is not surprised by any of that, are you?).

Team Gersitz played shorthanded from the start, while their team captain (Captain? Coach? General manager?) remains on the DL. New guy Garrett and Mike “Worm” Benjamin were out, leaving Al, Peyton, and Old Man Jon to handle things. Boy, did they handle things. The ferocious zone defense held shooters Tommy and KO to under 30% each. Meanwhile, shooting a combined 48.3% as a team, Peyton scored 22, Al scored 20, and Old Man Jon rounded out a balanced offense with an 18 GAPE and a double-double of his own (11/11). Team sub Chris “Alphabet” Cole facilitated things with 7 assists and stole several rebounds from Old Man Jon, because he is a bully. You know you’re in for a long night when Old Man Jon is making layups and draining threes. Al and Peyton ran laps around KOs defenders, who banked on their zone defense when maybe they should have all just sat in the Grinders Ice Bath instead. (Hey, AD – get on that).

Gersitz

Player FTM FTA Air 3PM FGM FGA FG% EFG% PTS REB AST STL BLK TO Defense GAPE GmScore
Al Derrico000010220.4550.4550502005.71565.0
Jon Urbaniak00015110.4550.500011140211.71965.2
Peyton Urbaniak002011220.5000.5000254028.71864.2
Sub0001230.6670.8330972017.02154.3
Total002228580.4830.500582713120533.073117.6

KO

Player FTM FTA Air 3PM FGM FGA FG% EFG% PTS REB AST STL BLK TO Defense GAPE GmScore
Josh Lanzot00206110.5450.5450930023.01561.7
Justin Rybinski00116160.3750.40601000105.31354.2
Kellen Owen00123110.2730.3640100010.3-129.8
Tommy Hughes0021290.2220.2780333037.0223.4
Zach Newberry0000120.5000.5000130142.3220.2
Total006418490.3670.40840249321018.03160.2

Details

Date Time League Season Full Time
10/11/2023 7:30 pm Grinders 2023.3 40'
10/11/2023
48 - 53
Full Time

Results

TeamAir3PMFGMFGAFG%REBASTSTLBLKTOTmGAPETOutcome
Jeff May2223610.37727109284148Loss
Curtis2524520.462341555127053Win

The “gentlemanly” game began with both teams playing… respectfully? Team Jeff May’s star player, Jeff May, was on fire, scoring on 7 out of 16 field goals. However, Team Curtis came strong with Curtis Masich leading the charge. He scored 12 out of 22 field goals. Despite Jeff May’s best efforts, Team Curtis managed to hold on to their lead and win the game 53-48.

Curtis Masich was the standout player of the game, scoring 28 points and leading his team to victory. Ben Sears also played well for Curtis, scoring 15 points and contributing 5 assists. Joe Marie didn’t wear glasses. For Jeff May, Jeff May was the top scorer with 15 points and Bryant The Grinder contributed 13 points, despite being hampered by a sudden illness.

This game had fans!

Jeff May

Player FTM FTA Air 3PM FGM FGA FG% EFG% PTS REB AST STL BLK TO Defense GAPE GmScore
Bryant The Grinder00116160.3750.4060100010.3240.9
Jeff May00117160.4380.4690720032.31151.0
Mike Salvati0000490.4440.4440743018.31666.0
Paul Palumbo0000370.4290.429010132213.31660.4
Todd Nixon00003130.2310.2310233016.7331.6
Total002223610.3770.39348271092831.04881.8

Curtis

Player FTM FTA Air 3PM FGM FGA FG% EFG% PTS REB AST STL BLK TO Defense GAPE GmScore
Ben Sears00217120.5830.6250353129.01868.0
Curtis Masich000412220.5450.63601021239.33082.0
Joe Marie0000190.1110.1110930125.0523.2
Josh Morcelle0000120.5000.5000210112.7429.0
Mike Boccio0000370.4290.42901041045.31349.4
Total002524520.4620.510533415551231.370107.9

Details

Date Time League Season Full Time
10/11/2023 8:30 pm Grinders 2023.3 40'
10/11/2023
46 - 51
Full Time

Results

TeamAir3PMFGMFGAFG%REBASTSTLBLKTOTmGAPETOutcome
Jimmy2222650.3383135183146Loss
Cole3523640.3593284124751Win

Slimmy Jimmys vs. Chuck in my Cole

Tied for closest game of the night, Team Cole was carried by their captain to a victory over MVP Jimmy and co. Instrumental to this feat was holding the man himself to “only” 18 points and a 13 GAPE. Cole posted a 19 point, 15 rebound effort and led his team in GAPE with 23. Both teams kind of struggled from the field, neither shooting over 40%. The only other guy from team Jimbo was the workhorse Ford, who chipped in 10 points, 9 boards and absolutely nothing else. Better than Helmet, who LITERALLY had 1 block as his only stat. It got the crowd fired up, but clearly did not have the same effect for him or his teammates. HOF Eric Boerdner had another respectable showing with 11 points on a higher-than-anticipated shooting percentage. Matt Kieta was once again the topic of conversation concerning fouls, as he vehemently disagreed with a pretty blatant carry. Perhaps this threw him off his game, as he shot 3/14 for 7 points. His frustration boiled over as he threw an elbow from hell that clocked poor Peyton and gave him a black eye. Luckily this guy hasn’t made any sort of reputation for himself as a habitual hack, so I’m sure this was just an accidental incident… Jokes aside, we hope that hip heals up quick, Keets. Chuck played his signature game, shooting 23% from the field but attributed some clutch 3 balls late in the game. Wayne had a similar stat line with 12 points and 5 rebounds of his own. Sub Peyton battled through 7 different injuries and donated a generous 16 GAPE, shooting 44% with a mystery three pointer I don’t remember ever seeing. Did someone accidentally count an air ball as a bucket?

Jimmy

Player FTM FTA Air 3PM FGM FGA FG% EFG% PTS REB AST STL BLK TO Defense GAPE GmScore
Eric Boerdner00015140.3570.3930410011.3646.0
Jimmy Zeitz00009220.4090.40908140510.71350.0
Justin Gerardi0020020.0000.0000000102.0-38.1
Matt Kieta00013140.2140.25001011025.3631.0
Mike Ford00005130.3850.3850900003.01157.2
Total002222650.3380.3544631351822.33363.7

Cole

Player FTM FTA Air 3PM FGM FGA FG% EFG% PTS REB AST STL BLK TO Defense GAPE GmScore
Chris Cole00119190.4740.50001530127.02570.5
Chuck Thomasulo00034170.2350.3240521003.7635.4
Wayne Haynes00206190.3160.3160510001.7336.3
Sub0001490.4440.5000723008.31671.6
Total003523640.3590.3985132841220.75084.8
by Kenny Blankenship

Week 7 Review

Yeah its a week late… whatever. You write these if you don’t like it.

Recap:

Old Man Jon had the greatest defensive effort in Grinders history, stealing a late pass from Worm with 2 seconds left, getting mauled by Boccio the Grinder, and tipping the ball to Eric “Big Balls” Boerdner for the game tying 3. OT was a formality.

Curtis took A LOT of shots.

There. Done. Enjoy.

by Kenny Blankenship

What is the “Overall” stat?

The math nerd at Grinders HQ likes to play with numbers. He does it for a living and he does it to make fun of fellow grinders. That’s what really drives him. He’s sort of a dick that way.

The “Overall” stat is a measure of a player’s total performance. It factors in all of the positive along with all of the negative stuff a grinder does throughout every game, season, and career.

FAQs:

  • Q: Why? Don’t we have GAPE to do all that?
  • A: Overall is weighted by total contribution and also takes into account a player’s Suck Score. It’s a little different, but similar. You know what? Make up your own stats if you don’t like mine.
  • Q: What’s the formula? How do I calculate it?
  • A: Don’t worry about it.
  • Q: What is the score out of?
  • A: Mathematically, there is no limit. Typically though, scores range from 0-100. Extraordinary efforts may result in a score over 100, or if a player goes 3-3 shooting, and does literally nothing else. Also, terrible efforts may result in a negative Overall Score – and those are really special. I’m hear to celebrate those in particular.
  • Q: What will you use Overall for?
  • A: To humiliate the weak.
by Kenny Blankenship

What’s a Suck Score?

“Bro, what’s this new “Suck Score” and why does Old Man Jon hate Cory so much?“

Nah, Old Man Jon likes Cory. He seems like a good dude – I’d even let him fuck Richie’s sister. The Suck Score highlights Grinders who… sucked.

Suck Score FAQs:

  • Q: How do you determine a grinder’s Suck Score?
  • A: Don’t worry about all that.
  • Q: What about all the “good” stuff I do? Like my points, rebounds, assists?
  • A: What about it? You’re probably not that good. Besides, that’s what we have “GAPE” for. Stop being selfish.
  • Q: What is the Suck Score out of?
  • A: 100.
  • Q: Why another negative stat? This world we live in is vile enough as it is. Most Grinders come to fraternize with the guys, have a couple drinks, get a good run in… forget about how polarized the country is, inflation, how doomed our planet is, and all the horrors of war. This seems counter to that goal.
  • A: Okay.
  • Q: No, seriously, why?
  • A: I have depression and your misery makes me a little less sad.
by Kenny Blankenship

Session 2022-03 Preview

There were open runs. There was a draft. There are teams. Admittedly, the league beat writer writer ran out of steam about half-way through… enjoy!

Team: Mike Gersitz

Draft Grade: 46/100

Team Grade: 62/100

League superstar Mike Gersitz tries his hand at being a GM this session. Anyone who bet Gersitz would dominate the draft the way he does the EBC basketball court or Laundromat YouTube wished they wagered on BitCoin instead. What does the reigning Poor Performer of the session go for when Gersitz is at the helm? An offensively high $28, 3rd highest in this session.

RankPlayerTeamPosition
1Jeff MayGersitzForward
2Mike FordGersitzForward
3Jon UrbaniakPeytonGuard
4Chris ColeColeForward
5Matt VaillancourtVaillancourtForward
6Chuck ThomasuloPeytonGuard
7Jimmy ZeitzPeytonGuard
8Justin GerardiPauly PGuard
9Jon TiradoGarrettGuard
10Peyton UrbaniakPeytonGuard
11Todd NixonCurtisGuard
12Mike MalickiPauly PForward
13Richie CreamerTall JustinGuard
14Mike BenjaminTall JustinGuard
15Tommy HughesColeGuard
16Mark DoyleTiradoGuard
17Eric BoerdnerGersitzGuard
18Curtis MasichCurtisForward
19Jon WittCurtisGuard
20Grant DeczPeytonForward
21Paul JohnsonCurtisGuard
22Aaron KiselevColeForward
23Eric CarlsonPeytonGuard
24Sub-
25Wayne HaynesColeForward
26Kellen OwenTall JustinGuard
27Josh LanzotGarrettForward
28Justin RybinskiTall JustinForward
29Mike GersitzGersitzForward
30Ben SearsPeytonForward
31Al DerricoGarrettGuard
32Zach NewberryTall JustinForward
33Josh MorcelleColeGuard
34Mike SalvatiGarrettGuard
35Bobby SpazianiTall JustinGuard
36Cory MuldowneyCurtisForward
37Mike BoccioColeGuard
38Joe MarieCrazyForward
39Paul PalumboGarrettForward
40Matt KietaJimmyGuard
41Bryant The GrinderTall JustinGuard
42Garrett BeesingGarrettForward
43Bobby The New GrinderGersitz

By the way, 0.5 GAPE is easily the WORST in the EBC era. But, what about Ben Sears, you ask? Well, if you get 3 games out of him this session, I guess that’s a win. Pauly J continues to obsessively pull it to hot MILF Olivia Munn while not in the game. Johnson is essentially the leagues Miro Satan – awesome when he is on the hot streak… and then… the rest of the time. Mike “Worm (Q)” Benjamin is the leagues reigning Playoff MVP. Even if Worm continues his magical play from last session’s playoffs, this team is doomed for last place. Normally any team with Mike G on it is in the championship conversation, but not this session.

Good news?

Mike Gersitz will definitely win the Hero Baller award this session, most likely breaking the single session record he already holds.

Team: Tall Justin

Team Strength: 60/100

Team Grade: 70/100

Tall Justin, the leagues tallest player, refuses to play down low and win. Instead, he loves to shoot 3’s like the paint is hot lava. Eric “Little Cuz” Carlson also loves to shoot the 3 ball. Jeff May, looking to prove that he isn’t washed up, continues to battle Father Time. When he is on his game, there is no better shooter. He is, though, 73 years old. Rounding out this roster are winners of 3 of the first 4 Poor Performers in EBC history. Justin “Helmet” Girardi is no stranger to bashing his teammates strategy while on the bench… where he will probably spend all his time this session. Josh, reigning “Mike Ford Pain In the Dick” award winner, will battle Eric Carlson for the most fouls in Grinders history. This team will be unpleasant to play against. Grinders beware – wear your body armor against this collection of hacks.

Good news?

Justin is still tall. Little Josh had a career best 7.0 Gape, 14x better than “Crazy”, and went for 1/28th the price. Total steal. I guess.

Team: Richie

Draft Grade: 100/100

Team Grade: 80/100

The league’s analytics branch warned Little Richie not to draft all short guys. Instead, he drafted all short guys and Josh Lanzot, who had a career session in the winter. Pro-tip for Josh – be ready to catch Richie’s shots from 3 before they go out of bounds… “AK” Aaron Kiselev, hoping to not get drafted by Putin, instead got drafted by Richie Creamer. Is that a win? “AK” hasn’t played in a few sessions – and will be working to slowly get back in game shape. Luckily, Todd “Fucking” Nixon has made it known he will have limited availability… so here’s hoping “AK” already rehabbed. Then there is Jimmy Z – a quick, talented baller – as long as his ankles are in tact.

Good news?

EBC still has plenty of chairs…

Team: Tommy

Draft Grade: 90/100

Team Grade: 81/100

Tommy Hughes drafted this team like it was 2016. Mike Ford and Old Man Jon are 2 of the oldest 3 guys in the league. The analytics department wanted to point that out as a terrible, terrible strategy. Mark Doyle is probably the Grinder in the best shape, while Chuck T is an assassin from 3, sometimes. Tommy has long hair, and like my cat Thor, his effectiveness is directly correlated with his waist line. This team should be tough to beat… as long as everyone shows up.

Good news?

Doyle’s pants-game rivals only Ford’s during EBC game play.

Team: Curt Masich

Draft Grade: 77/100

Team Grade: 83/100

“Foreign” Curt, as exactly one guy knows him as, made some odd choices for his team. Curt, who notoriously never sits nor passes after half time, or – wins playoff games, drafted Jon “Bang-Bang” Tirado and Eric “I haven’t won a single game at EBC” Boerdner… who are both allergic to passing the basketball. It’s unclear how this will turn out for this team, but odds are it won’t be great. Matt Vaillancourt, notorious “blocking” fouler gets to play down low and will probably shatter the single session rebound record… with all the bricks that are bound to be shot by his teammates. Will he and Boerdner be able to coexist? The over/under on games before a fight is 0.

Good news?

Peyton Urbaniak joins the league at the fresh age of “22”. Broke reigning MVP Mike Gersitz’s ankles on his very first possession… much to the delight of everyone in attendance. Youth and height usually kill in this league. As long as you ignore that his dad has a better jumper, that is…

Team: Cole

Draft Grade: n/a

Team Grade: 87/100

Wait, this roster was good enough to win a Championship? Grinders everywhere have been left scratching their heads since the infamous session these chodes won. What can one say about these guys? KO, former Poor Performer – plays just well enough not to win that award a second time. Witt has no hair and never met a chest he didn’t drive his forearm into while driving to the hoop. Salvati only plays after 9pm – that’s not suspicious or anything. Newberry – cheater. Probably – just like that chess player. No one knows how for sure – but we all assume it has something to do with anal beads. And Christopher Cole. He’s been working hard this off-season. Word is he needed to buy a smaller jersey size. Nah – just kidding, he didn’t.

What’s good?

Nothing. There’s nothing good here. This team is obnoxious.

by Kenny Blankenship

Week 2 Review…

We’re gonna need you non-COVID people to show up and play your games… that would be so neat.

Details

Date Time Full Time
40'

Details

Date Time Full Time
40'

Details

Date Time Full Time
40'

by Kenny Blankenship

Week 5/6 Review…

Editor’s note:

I am troubled by the increasingly disturbing trend of Grinders stripping down to their underwear… in full view of other unsuspecting grinders. It started early on in Session 1, in what I assumed at the time was a one-off, when Christopher “Tell Me How My Ass Tastes” Cole bared said ass from the upper deck, much to his own delight and the gym’s horror. Things only have devolved. A few weeks ago, I was minding my IPA at the scorer table when I saw a gleaming white light coming from the hallway. Concerned it was a some sort of ghost – I concentrated my sight just long enough to see Mark “check me out” Doyle, in the doorway, in nothing but boxers. Why? Nobody knows, but there he was. Still – it got worse last week. After all grinds were over, I was dismayed as I picked up the stats… and saw Fucking Helmet standing in the middle of the gym, with only socks and boxers on. It made me long for the day of that in-shape Doyle sighting. I’m scarred. All of us who saw are scarred. And by the way – there’s a fucking changing room upstairs, you degenerate knobs. Anyway – here’s our beat writers weekly effort:

Dear Grinders,       I have to apologize for a lack of a week 5 review. Truth be told, Nashville kicked my ass. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen the depths of a hangover quite like a 4-day bender that never stopped. At certain points I didn’t remember my own name let alone who did what in which game.
Week 6 review……. starting to feel better……finally……..

Details

Date Time Full Time
40'

Details

Date Time Full Time
40'

by Kenny Blankenship

Week 1 Review

Wait, we are tracking air balls now? OH YEAH! Okay, maybe just as an experimental stat this session. I think everyone got the hang of it, but I won’t embarrass anyone (or everyone) until I am not shooting 50% airballs. So maybe never. I don’t know – there were plenty to go around this week. Since our regular beat writer had emergency penis surgery this week, you get these reviews from the alternate writer… enjoy.

Details

Date Time Full Time
40'

Details

Date Time Full Time
40'

by Kenny Blankenship

Playoffs?!!??

Round 1 Round 2 Round 3
   
 
 
 
 
  
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
  
 
 
 
 

Word is Team Blue is going to lose… because Witt?