This game had all the makings of a classic semi-final grudge match. You had Curt vs Richie, a rematch of Shoulder Joe vs Freight Train Wayne, Cole vs Boccio (apparently they played football together or something), ‘Lil Hack…..I mean Josh vs Tirado, Chuck’s D vs Curt’s soft puss, Ben’s stiff arm vs Cole’s muffin top. Clearly this was going to be a clash for the ages………..

Someone forgot to tell these people that you need to score in order to win. I gotta tell ya, from my view from the cafeteria TV in San Quentin, it was awful. I’d rather have been the back pace car for a marathon for 90 year olds. Good lord this was boring to watch. He shoots. Clang. He shoots. Clank. He shoots. Air. How the hell did these 10 people sign up to play in a basketball league? Ugh.

Anyway, it seemed Team Curt was really only playing with Curt and a bunch of guys who were shooting with their eyes closed. Ben “Sears and Roebuck”, ‘Lil Josh, and Mike “Ball So Hard” Boccio all ended up on the Guys Who Tried Their Best list. There’s only 3 spots awarded and all 3 were taken up by 3 guys on the same team…..in the same game. Ouch. While Curt may have been wondering why his teammates were playing so badly, he has only himself to blame. He’s the one who arrogantly undervalued Richie and low-balled his bid for him, allowing Cole to swoop in at the last second and outbid him for his services. The rest of these guys – he drafted them of his own volition.

Early in the game Curt was employing the same strategy that led them to victory only a few weeks earlier. He played more of a facilitator role looking to get easy buckets for his teammates. This strategy worked, except the buckets weren’t going in. Boccio missed some early layups and Ben missed a few shots from close range. Curt turned to Joe to answer the call like he did earlier in the season vs Wayne. This time the well came up dry. Joe, Boccio, Ben, and “Lil Josh shot a combined 7/30 for the game.

The 3-seed Chuckers were also scoring deprived. Wayne (1/10) was having a hard time getting the ball to go in, as was Chucky T. (2/8). The score was 19-15 Chuck You at the half, after a small 4-0 run.

The second half started much better for Go Chuck Yourself. Richie “Always Take the Over” Creamer got it going driving past Ben and Boccio. Creamer (14/4 on 50% FG) led an early run to extend the lead to double digits. Jon “Bang Bang” Tirado continued his selfless team play. He constantly harassed the opposing ball handlers and took premium opportunities to score (9/5/2/1 on 67%FG). His scoring furthered the lead which never again got below double digits. Curt tried to get his team back in the game with his shooting, but to no avail. Curty finished with 17 points on 8/25 shooting. The Chuck’ets team harassed Curt the entire game, often picking him up full-court. As a team the Cowering Curts shot 27%. That won’t get it done in the playoffs.

PS: Cole continued to ride playoff coattails.

Ramifications of the outcome: – Curt again comes up short in the playoffs. Should he be allowed to captain again? – Richie advances to a championship game. Could he win his first big boy ring? – Joe went 4/15. Will he concede that Wayne’s his daddy?

The Rumble at Eldridge! Don’t get it twisted, there were fireworks way before the infamous postgame incident. This one was some top tier back-and-forth action, and everyone from both teams gave it their all. Tall Justin was tall and such, leading his team with 17 points and 4 blocks. Surprisingly, Zach and sub Pauly P (who allowed the real MVP to sub in the playoffs?) led the Jettas in GAPE, both posting 19. Zach took advantage of the defense and shot 60% from the field. The highly outspoken Tommy Hughes managed 12 points of his own, despite being blocked twice (don’t care what the stats say) by one of those damn youngin’s he looooves so much. Everyone for Kellen’s team played good all around ball, all scoring in double digits, all amounting 8+ rebounds, and everyone was above 10 GAPE. Some would say they deserved this win based on their play! What ever could have occurred that prevented them from reaching the finals?

You guessed it – Mike mothafuckin Benjamin made it rain late with some clutch 3’s that gave Gersitz’s squad just enough cushion to squeak by. Squeaky clean!! Gersitz appeared to have actually put forth an effort this game, and whaddaya know he had 25 GAPE and shot 67%. GarMatt VailBeesing continued his solid Grinders debut season with 15 points 9 boards and 4 assists – and he actually did look like Vaillancourt when he went for an open layup with about 10 seconds left and smoked it. Luckily some crafty defense prevented KO’s team from capitalizing. Young Peyton was all over the stat sheet, laying down an 8/4/4 line with a steal and 2 (shut up it was 2) blocks. I’m pretty sure every make he had was some ridiculous acrobatic layup – and every miss was a wide open look. Al struggled only shooting 2/9, and honestly didn’t do much else – if he had knocked down even a couple of those signature baseline jumpers this game may not have been nearly this close.

The main event of this battle though was the literal battle that occurred in the closing seconds, when the KO’s pleaded for a jump ball as time expired, then decided they wanted a flagrant foul instead after some kind of entanglement between Worm and Zach. A couple of playful shoves and some kind exchange of pleasantries later, and the Jets conceded defeat*.

After a controversial ending and the ensuing chaos, we finally got a chance to see the finals for the forfeit-riddled Winter session of 2023. It came down to the 1-seed Gersitz vs the 3-seed Cole.

Team Gersitz started hot, jumping out to a ten-point lead at the half, but failed to play any defense in the second half. Instead, they elected to allow Team Cole to shoot uncontested threes, like a bunch of carnies charging $3 for 5 shots at the basket. I suppose that makes sense because Team Gersitz did have a miserable night shooting eight-team airballs. I guess they had to collect that money back somehow. Overall, they were led by a solid effort from newcomer Garrett, who had 16 points and 10 rebounds, and from Crazy Al (16 points).

Team Cole drained 9 three pointers (majority in the second half) to complete their comeback and take home the title. Wayne and Richie took turns pulling a Ford, claiming devastating injuries only to return heroically and help their team. Cole was the key cog though in all this mess as he was all over the court to the tune of 16 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists. In the end, Richie finally won a big boy title on the back of his nemesis and a DadBod, Chris Cole. All the years of allowing Cole to have his way with his sister finally came full circle and paid off. She may be the big winner in all of this as she no longer has to say “is it in yet” on a nightly basis.

Congrats to the champs may your title reign be short and sucky….long live the DadBods!

KO Outclasses Jeff May in Basketball Duel

In a basketball match between Team KO and Team Jeff May, the younger squad of KO emerged victorious with a final score of 56-42. This game showcased that age is indeed a number as KO’s energetic and agile players outperformed the more seasoned Jeff May team.

Key Players for KO:
* Josh Lanzot ($9): Lanzot’s all-around performance with 16 points, 12 rebounds, and 5 assists proved instrumental in KO’s success.

* Justin Rybinski ($12): Rybinski’s impressive 32 points, along with 12 rebounds, highlighted the youth and dynamism of KO.

* Tommy Hughes ($22): Hughes showcased precision with a perfect shooting record, adding 10 rebounds and 9 assists to KO’s dominating performance.

* Zach Newberry ($11): Newberry contributed with 6 points, 6 rebounds, and 5 assists, demonstrating the depth of KO’s not as old talent.

Challenges Faced by Jeff May’s Seasoned Lineup:

Despite the collective efforts of experienced players like Bryant The Grinder, Jeff May, Mike Salvati, and Paul Palumbo, Jeff May’s team struggled with offensive efficiency and defensive strategies. The game highlighted the difficulties faced by an older team when competing against a more agile and youthful opponent.

This victory cements KO’s status as a rising force in the league, proving that a team’s age doesn’t necessarily dictate its success on the court. Jeff May’s team, while seasoned and wise, will analyze this defeat as an opportunity for growth and strategic refinement in upcoming matchups.

Fun Fact:

Did you know GAPE Chicken, with his knack for pecking out hard-hitting questions and writing scathingly honest articles, is rumored to have a side hustle in money laundering air ball funds.

Team Where’s Richie 43 vs Team Curtis 55

Team Cole came into this matchup needing a victory over Team Curtis to clinch 2nd place and a first round bye. They came out… and they tried their best. We think.

Cole’s squad was once again without Richie “Team Player” Creamer. One game back and Richard was already on another sabbatical. Captain Curtis, who went full-out Patrick Mahomes on draft day, is thinking he may have dodged a bullet. Wayne played a solid game – maybe his best of the season, pumping in 17/14/3 and 23 GAPE on the night. Tag teammate Christopher Cole put in a reasonable all-around performance too. He shot 40% from the floor, 12/8/3 and a respectable, albeit underachieving, 15 GAPE. This Beat Writer will have to verify with the GAPE Chicken – but I don’t think that is a very good GAPE/LBs ratio. We’ll get back to you on that one. Anyway, Team Cole really struggled with their number 3 and 4 guys. Airball Brothers Chuck and Johnny T shot a combined 6/32, converting only 2 from three-point range. Respectively, they finished with -4 and -3 GAPE. Way to ball out fellas.

Team Curt’s depth players really outplayed their Team Cole counterparts. Boccio, along with fellow role-players Little Josh and Curtis, combined for 10/23 on the night – out-scoring Tirado and Thomasulo 21-14. Those points really seemed to make the difference. Oh wait – no. Just kidding. They didn’t make the real difference in this one. In game that was closer than the final indicated… Joey “BANG-BANG” Marie went OFF. Nailing 3 after consecutive 3 at the end of the game, Joe single handedly gut-punched Team Cole by taking their 3 point lead and turning it into a 12 point lead in like 90 seconds. Then, he took himself out of the game – citing that he was tired of slaying and needed to rest for next week. Ben bounced back from a poor performance last week with a double-double (12/10) and a solid 13 GAPE. Curtis will try and brag that he had 7 assists… but when you have Joe Marie hitting uncontested shots on 57.9% EFG, do those assists really mean that much? Real Grinders know better. Keep working Curtis – you are so close to being in the league’s elite. The beat writers can almost taste it for you.

Fun Facts::

“The Spies Who Chucked Me” Chuck T and Jon T have a combined WaR of 0.07.

GAPE Chicken reports the aforementioned inquiry on Christopher Coles GAPE/LBs statistic is indeed, not great. GAPE Chicken also reminded the Beat Writers that it is against his programming to humiliate real people.

Team Who’s the Captain 67 vs Team Fredette 54

The leadup……. the most talented player in the league vs the best player (statistically) ever. It’s kind of a Kobe vs Duncan thing. This is one of those matchups you hope to see and hope everyone sticks around for.

The start of this game was back and forth. “First Ballot” Boerdner got off to a quick start for the Jimmies. E did his thing from 3 and also hit the throwback button and made some classic E driving layups through the defense. His efforts were countered by an incredibly aggressive Garrett Bee”sting”. Garrett (10/21, 24/10/5, 26 GAPE) pushed the tempo up and challenged the buffet-laden Jimmers to run up and down on both ends. This effort netted him some easy transition buckets and assists to “Crazy” Al Derrico (9/19, 18/8). When the tired “d” sagged off, Bee”sting” showed his range to the tune of (4) 3-pointers (mostly in Ford’s chin). The number 1 overall seed held an advantage through most of the later stages of the first-half.

Speaking of Ford, his jumper was drier than the Sahara in the beginning, but he eventually “went to work” on the block (7/19, 15/9), taunting Gersitz by hitting him with the “too small” hand gesture. Big G responded by stuffing a Ford layup just like he brags about stuffing Old Fashioneds down his yap. E’s offensive output cooled as the first half went on, becoming a forgotten man. It was during this time where MVP Jimmy started to pick up the pace for himself/team. When the rest of the offense came up a little dry, Jimmy went a bit hero-ball, looking more like Jimmy Harden than Jimmy buckets. He did have a game-high 27 GAPE (10/22, 22/11/5/4) but turned into a bit of a solo act. The sidelines could see Ford and E roll their eyes after each and every time Jimmy was more “The Professor” like.

As the second-half unfolded and the Jimmers closed the lead, “Big G.” Gersitz started to make an impact on the game, instead of merely sleepwalking through it. G (6/13, 12/12/3/1/2) got some easy layups against some shorter man-to-man defenders and when they backed up, hit some open jumpers. He was one Dikembe finger-wag on Ford away, from sending the crowd into a frenzy. The extra effort from “Big G.” and the pesky defense (on Jimmy) by Peyton “Skin and Bones” Urbaniak, allowed the top seed to pull away. E got hot late, but to no avail. The second-half run was high-lighted, and the dagger dropped, by none other than defacto captain “Old Man” Jon Urbaniak (3/8, 7/5/2). OMJ took a pass from his progeny and without hesitation, launched a 3-ball from the wing (immediately exclaiming, “It’s good!”). He was right. That “J” was wetter than Curt & Richie’s sisters on Nickel Night at the club. Rumors swirl that OMJ dropped his pants and did the helicopter facing the hapless Jimmer D, and walked off the court.

Fun Facts:

Justin “You People” Gerardi will be the FIRST Grinder in HISTORY to finish a season with more air balls that FG made. Damn!

Mike “Big G.” Gersitz would be the runaway favorite for all major end of year awards……if he played enough games to qualify.

6:30 – Don’t call me Curt vs. Team BDE: 38-54

The night’s first game featured a battle of the top two teams in the standings after week 7.  First place Team Gersitz vs second place Team WAP, who entered the week on a three game winning streak.  WAP Captain Curtis “I Heart WaR” Masich hadn’t hesitated to let people know his team was on fire, and boasted that they were probably the best team in the league.  The question of the week was, is Curtis right?  Or, is this team the Miami Dolphins of Grinders… score a lot of points – against the bottom feeder teams, but fold vs the big boys.

Team Urbaniak played yet another game without league stalwart Mike “Captain” Gersitz, who had to work or pull it or whatever it is he does when he isn’t dominating hapless Grinders.  OMJ and his crew of younger fellas also played without depth player Worm Benjamin – who had scheduling conflicts. On paper, this undersized squad looked like an easy opponent for Team Curtis, especially with no subs, extra-especially in Curtis’ fantasyland.  But, nah.  The opposite happened.  Peyton was unleashed to be the go-to man.  Curtis and his squad of guys who don’t get to shoot much chose to play ZONE in an effort to slow the young man down – which they were able to do (Peyton finished 4/15 for 8 points and 5 GAPE).  Great.  Nice work, Team Curtis.  However – Al, Garrett, and OMJ combined for a sizzling 50% shooting from the floor, dropping open shot after open shot.  Al shot 58.8%, had 20/5 and 20 GAPE – just stellar. OMJ, with IPA coursing through his veins, shot 4/7 and held Joe Marie to a measly 10 points down low.  Garrett had 18/17/6 and a strong 29 GAPE.  Maybe play some actual defense Curtis!

Speaking of defense… Team Urbaniak absolutely put the clamps on Captain Curtis and his team of innocent bystanders.  Curtis, who shot 28 times and led the league in WAP (naturally) could never get into a rhythm.  Garrett Beesing was in his face the majority of the game, and Peyton finished him out at the end, altering shot after shot.  Sad Curtis, who is shooting 41.9% for the season, was held to just 28.6% for the night.  That’s not very good.  But wait, aren’t their other guys on the team, you ask?  Oh yeah – forgot about them (just like Curtis!).  They shot almost as many air balls as baskets made.  Invisible Ben was held to 2-8 FG.  Joe Marie was 5/18 and had a double-double, but on a disappointing 27.8% shooting.  “30 Disgusting Seconds” of Josh was out there for… about 30 seconds.  Boccio the Grinder, the only Grinder worth a damn in this game for Team Curtwuss, had a couple steals and led the team on 37.5% shooting.  These guys were so scared of playing man on Peyton that they quickly went back to zone after a short time in man coverage – despite the absolute blitzkrieg being dropped from the floor by Al and company.

With this convincing 54-38 trouncing, Team Urbaniak stays in first by a couple of games, despite the leagues best all-around player missing all but 3 of their matches. This team proved that they can win no matter who the go-to guy is. Peyton?  Garrett?  Crazy?  Gersitz?  Old Man Jon?  Worm and his 8% shooting? (thats not a joke – check out his performance for Team Gersitz so far) Doesn’t matter.

Sad Curtis, after being exposed once again by a good team, fell to 3rd place. After their inevitable upcoming trouncing against Team Cole in week 9, Curtis will cement the number 3 seed. At least they will get to play one of those “scrub” teams in the playoffs, setting the stage for another glorious flameout in the post season.

Fun Fact: Old Man Jon and Curtis are both shooting 41%.

7:30 – Richie and Famous vs. MAYbe I’ll Play: 73-48

One of biggest offseason stories was Captain Cole’s unique draft strategy – selecting the very hit-or-miss duo of Chuck and Jon Tirado, in addition to dropping a cool $22 on Richie, who didn’t make his session debut until 9 weeks in (technically more because of reschedules and holidays). If I were to only show you Chris Cole’s box score, you’d probably say “Wow! He only shot 5 times? Only 3 boards as well? Dude must’ve been getting bullied! 9 assists though? Classic Cole being carried.” You might also say some more vulgar and inhumane things about our favorite villain, likely weight-related… but the tale of the tape in this one was that everybody was dialed in and making it rain from all over the court. Poor Pauly P tried as hard as he could to carry his (I mean Jeff May’s) team, but they simply could not get a stop. It was an onslaught – Chuck had 15, Tirado went for 18 with only 6 of those being from distance, and Wayne hit 3 trifectas of his own and made the much smaller opposition suffer down low with an astounding 23 points and 16 rebounds, tallying a 33 GAPE. As a team the Cole Miners shot 44% from the field, a number that could’ve been over .500 if Richie wasn’t so very dusty and rusty. Although I must concede, 10/11/6 with 3 steals really is pretty solid for a debut after a many month stint at rehab.

As for the Mayflowers, well, you tried your best. I can’t remember the last time they had their whole team present, but it was the same story we’ve seen over the last few weeks. Bryant took his mandated 30 attempts and finished with 14 points against a -4 GAPE. Salvati played his vintage grit and grind ball, finishing 6/7/7 but really struggled to contain both Tirado and Chuck on the perimeter. Peyton continued his iron man streak of subbing and perhaps the wear and tear is affecting the young boy (it shouldn’t be – your 23, not 43!) as he went 4/13 with 2 air balls, 9 boards and a whole lot of nothing else. Paul P. Revere tried his best to stave off the redcoats, as he had a 20/12 performance on 58% shooting (!!) with some ridiculously acrobatic takes. Team May falls to 2-6, and all they want for Christmas is for their star captain to make his return to at least be able to compete a little bit.

With this win, Team Cole jumps Team Masich in the standings to take 2nd place. If they can fire on all cylinders like this consistently, I see no reason why they can’t make a championship run. Especially if Richie can come in and contribute as a complimentary piece and not let his captain’s ribbing get to him. And as long as he can stay away from those damn chairs…

Fun Fact: Bryant the 30 Shot Taker missed the first 10 minutes of the game.

8:30 (Primetime slot) KO’s champs? 58 vs Firehosers 62 (OT)

Buckner, Playoff Curt, Semi-final Richie, ’04 Yankees vs Sox, Falcons 28-3, Webber TO, 13 seconds……… What do all of these have in common with Grinders? Why are they being listed in our write-ups? They are some of the greatest chokes in sports history…..but none as bad as Kellen and the Jets blowing a 5 point lead with 8 seconds left, AND possession. Never before has a defending champ crumbled in crunch time and under the weight of expectations. On to the game.

The game was back and forth throughout most of the contest. KO’s squad got out fast and had a 2 point lead at the break.That slim margin was mostly provided by Justin “USPS” Rybinski. The big fella found holes in the soft Firehoser’s zone for frequent buckets. Justin finished with 25 pts. on 12/28 shooting while gathering a game high 13 rebounds. More on him later. The Fireguys were able to get themselves together after a sluggish start. Some of that offense came from injured new guy, Matt “I didn’t touch you/it” Kieta. Kieta (6/15, 13 pts) was able to hit a couple of open jumpers and had a layup in a quick spurt. MVP Jimmy started to “go to work” as commanded by self-appointed Captain Ford Popovich. Jimmy was able to dribble himself into some open spots and show off his mid-range game, as well as his ability to get to the bucket.

The second half was one of those, “You had to be there.” situations. Josh “A-gap” Lanzot found some footing and was able to dominate the soft, low-post defense played by Ford. Josh (7/13, 14/13/6 – 25 GAPE) was getting layup after layup as well as offensive rebounds to extend possessions. More on him later. Things looked bleak for the first-responders later in the game, but that’s when “First Ballot” Boerdner stepped up like all the greats do. E’s first half was forgettable. The second-half was one only Eric Devendorf could appreciate. E (8/18, 19/10/7/3) started to get to the hole and score. Those drives later turned into kickouts for Jimmy and Kieta 3’s which clawed into their deficit.

As the game wound down into the final seconds, things started to get interesting. With the game in hand (up 5) Josh (to the begging of the crowd) launched a 3 with 8 seconds left. It went in and out. The ball moved quickly down the court to a WIDE OPEN Boerdner. BANG! 3-ball corner pocket. Lead cut to 2. Team KO called timeout to advance the ball. With only a little over 2 seconds, the game seemed over. No way could they blow this. WEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL. Captain KO called the in-bounds play for Justin to catch the ball in the corner????????? Genius! Justin and his size 17 clown shoes stepped out of bounds. Turnover. But still, the fire guys had to go the length of the court in 1.5 seconds. No shot! No shot????? Somehow, Justin got caught guarding Jimmy, and like Duke v Kentucky, Hill to Laettner, a miracle happened. Jimmy caught the ball near the free throw line….on the other side of half-court, took 1 dribble and finger-rolled the ball up on the rim. It paused, sat there for a second like Kawhi’s against the Sixers, and fell in at the buzzer!!!! Off to OT.

In OT, The Fireguys took control and held a 2 point lead with 4 seconds to go. Captain KO called for a Tommy Hughes (6/21, 13/7/7/4, 7TO) isolation 3 from the backside of the logo with 5 seconds left. He missed it, the Fireguys scored, icing the game and winning by 4. Total collapse.

The defending champs are now 3-5 in 4th place. The Firehosers move to 2-6, good for last place.

Oh yeah, Zach and Ford played, but they’re pretty much the same player anyway – soft, tall guys with no jumpers.

Fun fact: Helmet went 0-2 with 1 airball. He now has more airballs than shots made on the season. Ouch.

6:30 If Only Curt Could Pass to Himself 65 vs Team Mayday Mayday 56

On paper this game looked like a miss-match. Then Mayday got special, double secret dispensation, to have none other than “Trim” Tommy Hughes and “Crazy Al” sub for their squad of lost boys. To counteract that move, Captain Curt took advantage of the sub list and called in Garrett “god’s” Blessing to sub. Who plays for who anymore? I don’t know.

All I can remember from 2-weeks ago is that this game was back and forth throughout most of it. Tommy and Curt went nose-to-nose, Garrett finally played well for a team he subbed for, Bryant recorded his first career Grinder assist, and Team Curt pulled away late.

7:30 Paper Champs 60 vs The Gersitz Six 63

Again, 2 weeks of memory loss. This game was back and forth early. Gersitz’s squad looked like they were going to blow out the reigning champs until a case of the turnovers took hold. The Champs got hot to pull it close. Hughes hit a prayer 3 to cut the deficit to 3. Someone turned the ball over (probably Garrett) with under 12 seconds left. In the scramble, no one could get free. Hughes launched one from the other side of the logo that missed. Game over.

Oh, Old Man Jon fell down, yelled things, threw the ball off of the wall, punched the floor, subbed himself out, and got even more angry when his Clapper didn’t work. Yelled at Tommy. Didn’t get memo Tommy was a big deal. Not that he should have needed a memo. That was exciting.

8:30 Jimmy Fredette’s 44 vs Chuck Your Couch 54

More foggy brain. Cole’s team had more subs than DiBella’s. Jimmy’s team rounded up the entire Urbaniak family to play. You figure it out. A pretty boring game from start to finish. Wayne and Cole were bullies. Jimmy tried to carry his team. E ventured into Richie territory with a -5 GAPE. Bla Bla Bla

6:30 – Mayday, Mayday vs. Max Gersitzappen: 46-49

With Captain Jeff May sidelined again, the Budget Beasts needed to really step up against the top team. And in the first half, they did exactly that – Todd and Pauly P were looking like MJ and Kobe out there with some of the shots they were hitting. Bryant was finishing strong inside, and had 3 three’s. Salvati displayed his trademarked hustle, grabbing rebounds he had no business getting to and exploited the weak parts of the defense for some easy finishes. It looked like an upset was brewing early in the evening, but alas, the first half gameplan went out the window. Bryant went full takeover mode, as he ended the game with 31 attempts and raised his season WAP to 40%! For reference, that’s higher than Curtis this session. Everyone else for May’s team shot 50% from the field – Salvati went 6/10, Pauly had 8/15/5, and Nixon contributed 13 points and had a three pointer. Perhaps they would have liked to see more of the rock in the second half, but they’ll look to carry over some of their positive momentum against Curt’s team.

Team Gersitz came out of the gates looking lackadaisical – it looked like they were just trying to get in and up on out of there. But some second half adjustments, mainly on the defensive side showed why they are sitting at 5-1. They just have 5 solid guys, one of whom happens to be a 5 time MVP. “Crazy” Al had an off night, shooting just 3/15, but played an otherwise all-around game with 7 rebounds, 5 assists, 2 steals and a block. Garrett shot 3/9, but played an otherwise all-around game with 7 rebounds, 5 assists, 2 steals and a block. No, I did not copy and paste the same thing twice. Their stats were just identical. The Old Polack Jon continued his magical stretch, as he took advantage of being left constantly open on the wing as he went 6/12 for 12 points, and nothing else. That’s a guy who plays his role to perfection. Gersitz somehow only took 9 shots, but ended with 11 points, 8 rebounds and a bunch of other stuff. Peyton led the way in scoring with 14 points, and chipped in 3 steals and a block on defense. The defensive switch to put him on Bryant was perhaps the defining move of the night, and who would have ever thought that making the young guy guard the other young guy would work so well?

7:30 – Jimminy Crickets vs. What’s a WaR?: 36-46

Is it time to start taking Curtis’ team seriously?? Just maybe, although we might need to see some inspiring play from someone not of Serbian descent. The captain put on a dominating display, dropping 25 points on 10 made FGs thanks to 5 threes and 43% shooting. Perhaps more impressive was his Wendy’s defensive stat line – 4 for 4 steals and blocks! And 4 turnovers for good measure! Boccio put in one of my all time favorite performances with 0 points, 15 rebounds and 5 assists, including three straight offensive rebounds and kick outs to beyond the arc. Absolutely electric. Joe Marie struggled shooting the ball, but controlled the boards with 10 of his own with what definitely looked like more than 2 assists. Teams keep letting Peyton sub somehow, and the fill-in went 13/8 on 60% shooting, with 2 blocks and a rare 3 pointer. When Ben rejoins this team, and if Curtis can continue his hot streak, these guys will be a tough out every week.

As for Jimmy’s team, I think you have to point the blame towards Mike Ford for this one. They sorely missed his post presence, and while Garrett did fine subbing, and as much as I hate to say it, I think a stronger interior could have changed the script on this one. Jimmy was held to 16 points on 36% shooting, which really isn’t bad at all, but we’re used to seeing that number doubled most nights. Helmet was essentially a worse Boccio, as he also shot 0/6 from the field but had 12 rebounds and goose eggs in every other stat. The HOFer “E” could only manage 8 points as he was flummoxed by the lockdown (hackdown?) defense from the Bocc. The team collectively had a 28% shooting percentage, which simply will not get the job done against any team. Perhaps the lone highlight of the night was Jimmy putting Curtis and Peyton on skates – the only moment worth remembering in a forgettable showing.

8:30 – Kellen and the Jets 63 We Chucked Your Wife Raw 56
The defending champs vs a potential replacement in the primetime spot. Like Vanessa Williams once sang, “You go and save the best….for last.”

From my eyes at the scorers table (actually, hidden cameras secretly inserted in the gym so I can view from the comfort of my couch like Ben Stiller at the end of Dodgeball) this was one of the better played games in recent memory (at least through regulation). The game had a methodical flow to it as it was played more in the half-court than in transition.

The Jets seemed to focus on putting Tommy Hughes in pick and roll situations, trying to get Chuck “Akon: Got Me Locked Up” Thomosulo off of him. The strategy worked. Chuck went 2/2 on the offensive end, but couldn’t handle running through all the screens, and “Pop Goes the Calf” reoccurred. The Jets quickly pivoted to having Tommy go “Hero Ball” and beat up on poor, defenseless Jon “Even my newborn bullies me on the block” Tirado. The plan was very effective. Mr. Hughes led the game with 25 points while forcing non-stop double teams. He also collected 7 assists out of those double situations to go along with 10 boards. The recipient of most of those passes was Josh “Macho Man elbow” Lanzot who was extremely effective at point-blank range. Lanzot dominated the paint with 18 points (56% fg) and 10 boards. He also chipped in with 5 assists and 4 steals. Justin and captain KO were present, but only combined for 9/29 and 20 points, being relegated to overweight cheerleaders at the Hughes/Lanzot show.

The “Wife Chuckers” had what seemed like the answer to the Jets 1-2-1 zone. They continually used the corner jumper as a layup line……for the first 2 possessions. Chuck “Achilles Calf” Thomosulo was on pace for a Grinders record 80 points on 40/40 shooting until the Jet bullies targeted his weak lower half. Captain Cole thought a great replacement for Chuck would be a 53 year old, 5 IPA’s in, Jon “Father Time” Urbaniak. Jon started off hot going 1-1 from the Chuck hot-spot. That was the highlight for him offensively as he missed his next 11 from the field. He was definitely a guy who “Tried His Best”.

The “Chucksters” changed gears and ran their offense through Wayne “Anchors Away” Haynes. Based on the results, more bad decision making by Coach/Captain Cole. Wayne went 4/26………..4/26?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! My god. He did contribute 16 rebounds (game high), 6 assists, 2 steals, and a block. The “Chuck-its” did get a marvelous game from Jon “I Bank 3’s better than my baby” Tirado. Tirado dropped 17 on the hapless 1-2-1 zone, including a “Bang Bang” banked money shot all over Kellen’s face………FROM THE LOGO. Clearly Tirado has NBA-type range, and in your eye-ball accuracy (note: see KO’s pink eye). Chuck and Co. rode Tirado’s wave of 3’s to a lead midway through the second half. The Jets continued their WWF ways by taking out players that are a threat. KO layed out Tirado on a break-away like a Chris Chelios check in the 80’s. JT came up limp which forced the team into a swiss-cheese 2-2 zone The Jets dissected that zone for the rest of regulation and OT.

The champs came back like champs do though, Got some turnovers, made a run of their own, survived and in-and-out buzzer beater by Wayne (who might not be able to hit water if he fell off of a boat), and shut out their opponent in OT. Champs come up clutch, chumps fall short.

Were injuries, IPA’s, and no-shows reasons for the loss? Who knows? I’d like to see this one played back in the playoffs with all hands on deck.

Week 6 started, and ended, with a blowout. Although there was an actual final score, Captain Curtis could be heard saying “37 to who fucking cares. They played like it was Game 7 of the Finals. Who the fuck is Chuck? He’s NEVER played that hard. Also give him 17 more fouls. One rebound? What the fuck OMJ? ONE REBOUND?”

Curtis did lead his team’s “Effort” with 14/1/1 and a GAPE of… 1. Ben was fine if you ignore the 6 turnovers… 2 GAPE. Little Josh? Minus 1 GAPE. Thank god for Joe The Grinder and Boccio The Grinder. At least they tried their best. It’s quite possible this team is terrible.

Team Cole, on the other hand, still manages to get quality subs for Richie… who was knowingly picked despite being unavailable for the first 6 weeks. Wayne has stink eye. So Peyton “Him” offered his talents – holding Ben in check and contributing 20 GAPE. Bang Bang Daddy shot 45.5% and had 11/3/4. That’s all fine and good. But Team Captain Christopher “Alphabet That Call Wasn’t Audible Enough Fuck You Curtis” Cole continued his bid for league MVP (asterisked with Gersitz on DL). 15 points on 62.5 EFG%, 7 board and 7 assists on quality passes against a disinterested Team Curtis. Chuck “Mama Mita” T came out HOT, drilling his first 4 shots en route to a game high 20 points on 56.3/62.5% shooting. Chuck would have had an easy double/double had his captain not gotten jealous of all the attention he was getting… and stealing numerous rebounds. Contrary to what Curtis said – Chuck did not have 21 PFs. He had 4. Suck it Curtis. 22 GAPE for Chuck. 24 for Chris. Nice work. Goonfish.

Team Jimmy forfeited. Only 2 Grinders.

KO breaks 2 game skid on forfeit win. Jeff May forfeit with 2 Grinders.

Bryant The Grinder made it through the entirety of the basketball game, sans vomit. Well done new guy. Speaking of Bryant, the scorers table was left awestruck at how uninhibited he was to fire up shots as soon as he touched the ball. Even Curtis “Mr. WAP” was offended by all those shots. Eventually, after being shamed by the scorers table, Bryant did pass the rock. 0 assists, 28/8 for a GAP of 12. You do the math. Salvati was allowed to shoot 18 times in garbage time, which there was plenty of. Paul Palumbo had a 27 GAPE – continuing his searing start to this Grinders season. He will be 1st team All-Grinder if he keeps this up. Some goonfish subbed.

Team Jimmy-less struggled. That HOF’er Boerdner improved from his previous game – and contributed negative 3 GAPE in this one. Helmet? 4 air balls (in a row nonetheless), negative 4 GAPE. This team’s sub shot under 16%. Mike Ford had all 14 of his team’s GAPE. What a guy. This game was a blowout from the start.

New Baby Daddy Jon Tirado made his untriumhpant return to Grinders in this matchup that pitted Chris Cole against defacto captain Old Man Jon.

For Cole, “Hall Of Fame” Eric Boerdner subbed for Richie and Chuck, and porked up a suck of fame-like 1-11, and contributed a negative 6 (!) GAPE. Tirado didn’t miss a beat hitting 2 threes… while contributing a 2 GAPE. Like he never missed any games! Captain Cole had a respectable performance, with a 15/16/4 split. Cole’s biggest blunder was not in fact his blatant travel violation, but his offensive strategy against the undersized, older Old Man Jon unit who played man defense. Wayne “Freight Train” Haynes was having his way down low against OMJ, but was just ghosted the remainder of the game by his teammates. Or… maybe it was the knee to the dick that slowed him down, we’ll probably never know. This beat writer blames Cole for his poor quality strategy.

As for Old Man Jon, besides the brilliant defensive strategy that held down the rival team to a paltry 29.8 FG%, continued out-performing his contract, and team responsibilities, by hitting for 4/10 from the field with (another) 3 this week. Garrett Beesing, who not coincidentally represents the Polish, wore his Vaillancourt +5 Jersey of Non-suckness. Earning player of the game for OMJ, Garrett snagged 14 boards and scored 10 for 17 GAPE. Crazy Al and Peyton rounded out a well-balanced attack that gave Cole and his squad of goonfish fits. Zone? Fine – all of OMJ can and did hit the open jumpers. Man? “The Child, Please”.

Post game there were a couple of old guys grumbling about how loud or quiet the calls on the floor were, or something. Oh and Old Man Jon was grumbling about Millennials and their inability to call when they are fouled. Typical millennials – always gimme gimme gimme. Never do anything for themselves. Sack up younglings! Call it when you get fouled instead of crying about the offender not calling it – like you are Baby Tirado or something.