There were open runs. There was a draft. There are teams. Admittedly, the league beat writer writer ran out of steam about half-way through… enjoy!
Team: Mike Gersitz
Draft Grade: 46/100
Team Grade: 62/100
League superstar Mike Gersitz tries his hand at being a GM this session. Anyone who bet Gersitz would dominate the draft the way he does the EBC basketball court or Laundromat YouTube wished they wagered on BitCoin instead. What does the reigning Poor Performer of the session go for when Gersitz is at the helm? An offensively high $28, 3rd highest in this session.
By the way, 0.5 GAPE is easily the WORST in the EBC era. But, what about Ben Sears, you ask? Well, if you get 3 games out of him this session, I guess that’s a win. Pauly J continues to obsessively pull it to hot MILF Olivia Munn while not in the game. Johnson is essentially the leagues Miro Satan – awesome when he is on the hot streak… and then… the rest of the time. Mike “Worm (Q)” Benjamin is the leagues reigning Playoff MVP. Even if Worm continues his magical play from last session’s playoffs, this team is doomed for last place. Normally any team with Mike G on it is in the championship conversation, but not this session.
Good news?
Mike Gersitz will definitely win the Hero Baller award this session, most likely breaking the single session record he already holds.
Team: Tall Justin
Team Strength: 60/100
Team Grade: 70/100
Tall Justin, the leagues tallest player, refuses to play down low and win. Instead, he loves to shoot 3’s like the paint is hot lava. Eric “Little Cuz” Carlson also loves to shoot the 3 ball. Jeff May, looking to prove that he isn’t washed up, continues to battle Father Time. When he is on his game, there is no better shooter. He is, though, 73 years old. Rounding out this roster are winners of 3 of the first 4 Poor Performers in EBC history. Justin “Helmet” Girardi is no stranger to bashing his teammates strategy while on the bench… where he will probably spend all his time this session. Josh, reigning “Mike Ford Pain In the Dick” award winner, will battle Eric Carlson for the most fouls in Grinders history. This team will be unpleasant to play against. Grinders beware – wear your body armor against this collection of hacks.
Good news?
Justin is still tall. Little Josh had a career best 7.0 Gape, 14x better than “Crazy”, and went for 1/28th the price. Total steal. I guess.
Team: Richie
Draft Grade: 100/100
Team Grade: 80/100
The league’s analytics branch warned Little Richie not to draft all short guys. Instead, he drafted all short guys and Josh Lanzot, who had a career session in the winter. Pro-tip for Josh – be ready to catch Richie’s shots from 3 before they go out of bounds… “AK” Aaron Kiselev, hoping to not get drafted by Putin, instead got drafted by Richie Creamer. Is that a win? “AK” hasn’t played in a few sessions – and will be working to slowly get back in game shape. Luckily, Todd “Fucking” Nixon has made it known he will have limited availability… so here’s hoping “AK” already rehabbed. Then there is Jimmy Z – a quick, talented baller – as long as his ankles are in tact.
Good news?
EBC still has plenty of chairs…
Team: Tommy
Draft Grade: 90/100
Team Grade: 81/100
Tommy Hughes drafted this team like it was 2016. Mike Ford and Old Man Jon are 2 of the oldest 3 guys in the league. The analytics department wanted to point that out as a terrible, terrible strategy. Mark Doyle is probably the Grinder in the best shape, while Chuck T is an assassin from 3, sometimes. Tommy has long hair, and like my cat Thor, his effectiveness is directly correlated with his waist line. This team should be tough to beat… as long as everyone shows up.
Good news?
Doyle’s pants-game rivals only Ford’s during EBC game play.
Team: Curt Masich
Draft Grade: 77/100
Team Grade: 83/100
“Foreign” Curt, as exactly one guy knows him as, made some odd choices for his team. Curt, who notoriously never sits nor passes after half time, or – wins playoff games, drafted Jon “Bang-Bang” Tirado and Eric “I haven’t won a single game at EBC” Boerdner… who are both allergic to passing the basketball. It’s unclear how this will turn out for this team, but odds are it won’t be great. Matt Vaillancourt, notorious “blocking” fouler gets to play down low and will probably shatter the single session rebound record… with all the bricks that are bound to be shot by his teammates. Will he and Boerdner be able to coexist? The over/under on games before a fight is 0.
Good news?
Peyton Urbaniak joins the league at the fresh age of “22”. Broke reigning MVP Mike Gersitz’s ankles on his very first possession… much to the delight of everyone in attendance. Youth and height usually kill in this league. As long as you ignore that his dad has a better jumper, that is…
Team: Cole
Draft Grade: n/a
Team Grade: 87/100
Wait, this roster was good enough to win a Championship? Grinders everywhere have been left scratching their heads since the infamous session these chodes won. What can one say about these guys? KO, former Poor Performer – plays just well enough not to win that award a second time. Witt has no hair and never met a chest he didn’t drive his forearm into while driving to the hoop. Salvati only plays after 9pm – that’s not suspicious or anything. Newberry – cheater. Probably – just like that chess player. No one knows how for sure – but we all assume it has something to do with anal beads. And Christopher Cole. He’s been working hard this off-season. Word is he needed to buy a smaller jersey size. Nah – just kidding, he didn’t.
What’s good?
Nothing. There’s nothing good here. This team is obnoxious.