In the world of amateur basketball, there are games that go down in history for their sheer athletic brilliance. Then, there are games that we remember because they were like watching a slow-motion train wreck. Last week’s face-off between Gersitz and Peyton definitely fell into the latter category, providing equal parts cringe and comedy for the few brave souls who witnessed the spectacle.

Let’s start with Team Gersitz. Bobby “The New Grinder” started with the audacity of maintaining a worst-season-ever reversing 0.625 FG%. One has to admire the audacity of learning to shoot whilst unguarded. Eric Boerdner, shooting with a precision you’d expect from someone trying to hit the broadside of a barn, managed to sink two out of ten attempts. Jeff May’s shooting was at least respectable; with a whopping 0.400 FG%, he proved that aiming for the basket sometimes works out. But the real shocker was Mike “That’s a foul” Ford, whose impressive 0.125 FG% surely left the crowd wondering if he knew which way the basket was. As for Mike Gersitz, his solid numbers across the board managed to keep the team’s dignity from completely sinking into oblivion, as usual.

Switching to Peyton, Ben Sears’ performance was nothing short of… mystifying. You’d think he was aiming for invisible baskets, given his solid 0.167 FG%. Meanwhile, Chuck Thomasulo showed us what it means to hustle, hitting 3 of 13 shots, a stat line you could easily confuse with a busy stock ticker. Grant Decz had a slightly better night with his 0.412 FG%, and Jon Urbaniak’s reliable shooting left everyone pondering if maybe, just maybe, this sport wasn’t for everyone. Then there’s Peyton Urbaniak, the beacon of hope and “Guy of The Week”. His spectacular 20 points and 0.727 FG% surely made the rest of his teammates look like they wandered in from a different sport.

In the end, it wasn’t just about the numbers; it was about the guts, the glory, and the gory spectacle of one of the season’s most entertaining calamities. Peyton took the win with a 51 to 47, proving that sometimes, even in the chaos, there’s a little bit of method.

Fun Facts: Mike Ford audibly outed OMJ as a lousy defender, not once, but twice in this matchup. He implored Boerdner to “go to work” on the first possession he was guarded by OMJ, and then demanded the ball in the second half when he thought OMJ would guard him. OMJ took that personally and whined about it all night long after the game. Let’s see how that worked out.

Boerdner finished with 4 points on 2/10. Ford finished with 2 points on 1/8. OMJ finished with 4 points on 2/5.

Boerdner finished with 3 air balls. Ford finished with 1 air ball. OMJ had NO air balls

Boerdner had 4 rebounds. Ford had 5 rebounds. OMJ had 7 rebounds.

Boerdner had 0 steals. Ford had 0 steals. OMJ had 2 steals.

Boerdner had +1 GAPE. Ford had -1 GAPE (not very good). OMJ had +11 GAPE.

Boerdner and Ford had a combined Game Score of 38.0 OMJ had a Game Score of 38.3

TALL JUSTIN, under the leadership of Bryant “The Grinder,” displayed moments of brilliance despite some inconsistencies. Bryant achieved a respectable 0.526 field goal percentage, contributing 22 points, 6 rebounds, and 2 assists. Justin Rybinski also stood out because he’s tall, and he scored 22 points and maintained a 0.474 field goal percentage. Kellen Owen and Zach Newberry added to the team’s effort (more so KO as Zach “not Zak” uncharacteristically had 4 airballs and a bunch of turnovers), but their performances highlighted the need for increased accuracy and consistency.

On the other side, the CURTIS team experienced a challenging game. After a week filled with anonymous sources crying to the media and internal strife, Cory Muldowney struggled to make an impact, with no successful field goals. Curtis Masich, however, provided a beacon of hope with his 33 points and a 0.419 field goal percentage. Jon Witt and Paul Johnson supported the team’s effort with steady performances, but Todd Nixon’s zero points underscored the need for better offensive strategies. Speaking of strategies, this team did try something different this game, with Curtis “The Big WAPPER” Masich shooting the ball 31 times and letting his teammates, collectively, shoot 32 times. Like the previous 3 weeks – proved to be ineffective. Perhaps they could employ the GAPE Chicken for some additional ideas.

Despite the lack of team cohesiveness, Curtis nearly made a buzzer beating half court three to win the game. That would have been hysterical.

Last week’s prime time event was more abortion than an actual basketball game.

Starting with GARRETT, Al Derrico demonstrated that even the most consistent players can hit new lows, proudly maintaining a 0.261 FG% and -1 GAPE. Garrett Beesing, though, tried to keep the ship afloat with his 16 points, perhaps as confused about his 0.389 FG% as everyone else was. Josh Lanzot’s 0.385 FG%, 13 rebounds – and Mike Salvati’s impressive 0.000 FG% (an apparent aversion to making baskets) left us all wondering if they had even remembered to tie their shoes. Paul Palumbo’s 0.200 FG% rounded out the effort with a performance that was as inspiring as a limp… balloon.

As for team He Hate Me, Chris Cole led with a solid 13 points, barely managing to keep his head above the statistical swamp with a 0.462 FG%. Josh Morcelle must have mistaken the basketball court for a minefield, or just remembered he was Josh Morcelle – with his 0.154 FG%, and Wayne Haynes, perhaps inspired by the art of throwing bricks, shot a 0.280 FG%. Sub’s heart was clearly in it, showing just enough competence to claim a 0.167 FG%.

In the end, Beesing’s squad was just too much and got the W. It wasn’t so much a game as it was a masterclass in how not to play basketball. The score was like 4-3 after 15 minutes. Both teams showcased a level of ineptitude that left everyone who watched wishing they had BEEN an abortion so they didn’t need to see that trash.