Author: Captain Tenneal

Near the beginning of each game, Captain is seen addressing the Grinders as a group, asking whether some broad assertion relating to one of the topics in the upcoming game is true. After the Grinders raise their hands to show agreement, the Captain usually declares “Well, you’re wrong!”, but in a few games, he actually agrees with the Grinders. He’ll sometimes defend his opinion by saying, “Of course I’m right, I’m the Captain!” After further explanation and give-and-take with individual Grinders, he bellows “Let’s go!” and leads the Grinders forward to begin playing the games. Captain Tenneal usually displays traditional attitudes towards social issues and speaks formally (calling Vic and Kenny “Victor” and “Kenneth,” respectively) and takes pride in both his military service and modest pension. He is the author of a best-selling book (Well, you’re wrong!) and is not above trading suggestive innuendo with the male Grinders, almost all of whom are interested in him romantically.
by Captain Tenneal

No Week 5 Review, Instead…

Grinders HQ writers decided that you get no weekly review. Instead you get a look back at the half-way point of the season.

First Team All-Grinders mid-season

  • Curtis Masich: (23/9/4/1/1) leading candidate for MVP before his near-fatal ankle injury.
  • Richie Creamer: (22/5/1/3/1) best guard in the league (statistically – at least in games he actually plays).
  • Justin Rybinski: (17/12/2/1/2) third best GAPE in Grinders – walking double/double. So tall.
  • Matt Vaillancourt: (14/14/1/3/1) leads Grinders in rebounding, 4th in GAPE.

Second-team All Grinders – mid-season

  • Mike Gersitz: (17/12/4/2/1) highest GAPE in Grinders, team is in 5th place
  • Josh Lanzot: (14/8/3) 7th in the league in GAPE
  • Jon Witt: (15/6/3/1/1) spearheads best defensive team in Grinders
  • Jimmy Zeitz: (16/8/3/2) toughest to guard when he goes

Road to the Grinder Title…

Dadbods (4-1)

These knobs. Defending full-season champions, team everyone hates, overall league villains. Dadbod players obsessively remind other teams that they are, in fact, very obnoxious. This team plays solid defense, in their own words. The strategy seems to be to prolong their offensive possessions by aggressively calling fouls after missed shots – so the scores remain low, as opposed to just winning with their basketball talent. This team is built well and made for the playoffs. There is undeniable flopping skill by the team’s lead scorers.

– Strengths: ball movement, lead league in defense, BB IQ, strong depth 3-5

– Weaknesses: offense…..anything offense

Gimmie a Minute (3-2)

This team was destined from the moment the draft ended to be the most “vanilla” team in Grinders. Tall Justin Rybinski, the “Jeff Fisher of Grinders”, always powers his team to ~.500 every session, but then fizzles out in the playoffs. This team has to be happy with their 3-2 record so far, with Jeff May and Eric Carlson struggling to live up to expectations. Eric, along with fellow goons Justin “Helmet” Girardi and Josh Morcelle, are happy violently hacking unsuspecting Grinders for something to do.

– Strengths: scoring, possible personnel mismatches

– Weaknesses: ball movement, athleticism

What’s a Pass? (3-2)

This team may be he most offensively gifted Grinders squad put together at EBC. Curtis “Playoffs???” Masich, Matt “Hack-A-Matt” Vaillancourt, and Peyton “The Child” Urbaniak are all shooting over 44% from the floor. Jon “Ironman” Tirado and Eric “E” Boerdner each have the ability to put up big points in any given game, but also, have been more likely to tank their team’s chances with an off-night. This team could be a force if they all play together, as a team, and the young guy continues to gain confidence in his rookie season.

– Strengths: lead league in scoring, good shooting, actual b-ball talent

– Weaknesses: Playoff Curt, shot selection, shaky depth play

BOHICA (2-3)

Captain Richie Creamer has selfishly played in just 2 games this session. The only games this team have won by the way – including an opening night banger against Dadbods, where there was some hugging or whatever. When everyone actually shows up, this team is difficult to beat. Josh Lanzot is an absolute bully down low, Jimmy Zeitz is a baller, Todd “Fucking” Nixon is a fan favorite, and Aaron “AK” Kiselev does AK stuff on the court.

– Strengths: great guard play, shooting, BB IQ

– Weaknesses: size

Laundromats (2-3)

First time captain Mike Gersitz drafted a bunch of dudes who aren’t even on the team anymore. Cory “New Guy” Muldowney and Al “I went for how much???” Derrico have done their part in trying to complement Mike Gersitz’s dominating play. Mike “Q-Worm” Benjamin has been quietly chipping in 12.0 PPG, with a 40% EFG. Without a fifth guy to add a blow to the starters, a deep playoff run could prove difficult.

– Strengths: GAPE god Gersitz, size, championship pedigree

– Weaknesses: aggression, finishers

Chuckets (1-4)

3-point legend Chuck Thomasula, at +0.8 Expected Gape, is the only guy on this squad who hasn’t underperformed. Team is somehow winless when Tommy Hughes, and Mike Ford plays. This team relies on balanced scoring and balanced play from top to bottom on the roster, but haven’t had much success so far. Mark Doyle has been shooting 41% from the field. Chuck leads the team in scoring. Tommy leads in GAPE, and Ford has vertigo. Old man Jon U contributes little.

– Strengths: talent, athleticism

– Weaknesses: size, scoring droughts, defense, old

Round 1 Playoff Predictions

Based on the game film that Grinders HQ reviews we believe this is how the first round of the playoffs might shakeout:

Game 1: What’s a Pass vs Chuckets (3v6)

Chuckets take this one. Playoff Curt shows up again. Ford goes to work. Tommy cheats just enough to get the win.

Game 2: BOHICA vs Laundromats (4v5)

Laundry Guys over BOHICA. No one can stop Gersitz. Richie melts under the pressure.

What about the rest of the playoffs? The Grinders HQ writers are tired. You get what you get…

by Captain Tenneal

Week 4 Review

There is no Week 3 Review b/c you guys, just like the Yankees, suck!

This game started out as you would expect. What’s a Pass? took an early lead and seemed to dominate the action. Curt continued to fire up shots from everywhere on the court with his teammates giving him a “thumbs up” everytime, knowing he wasn’t going to pass. Then it happened. A scream could be heard throughout the Eldredge Club. It was like a teenage girl in a horror movie, or a woman giving birth, or Richie losing a Draft Kings bet. Curt stubbed his toe on Helmet, flopped on the ground like Cole from a “charge”, and refused to go back in the game. From that point on, game over.

     “First Ballot” Boerdner decided to “go to work” to the tune of 3/24. Vaillancourt had to be “Point Guard” Vaillancourt which we all know is hilarious in itself. “New Kid” Peyton was efficient scoring 10 points. “Bang Bang” Tirado would have had better luck than his 1/9 if he merely banged his head against the wall. With Curt MIA, this team is in trouble. No one know what to do with the basketball b/c Curt never gives it to them. God’s speed gents.

     Gimmie a Minute took full advantage of Curt’s “injury” (hang nail). Justin “Claven” Rybinski and Jeff “Superman” May dominated the paint to the combined tune of 35 points and 22 boards. “Lil Cuz” pitched in with 11 points and Humpty and Dumpty (Helmet and Josh) each had a bucket.

………………this reporter definitely did not see AD In The Waiting Richie Creamer hand over a burlap sack with “$$$” on it to one Justin “Bobblehead” Girardi post-game.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If Richie “AD in Wait” Creamer has a good game and we, at Grinders HQ don’t report it, did it happen?

     So, a great game that started off poorly. BOHICA started off hot and took a huge lead on the Pillowcases (almost by 20 at one point). Creamer (28 pts, 6-3’s) and Jimmy (20 points) shot 21/42, combined for 49 GAPE and dominated the game flow early. Todd “Franchise” Nixon and Josh “Rathman” Lanzot were there physically but that stats don’t really reflect it (don’t worry boys, it happens to everyone, there’s a pill for it). Then something strange happened. Crazy Al turned back the clock to the Glendale days and was scoring (20pts). Mike “Worm” Benjamin was left alone and was draining 3 after 3 after 3 in Richie’s face. Mike “Vow of Silence” Gersitz remembered that he was allowed to shoot and was scoring the second half. All of a sudden that 20 point lead dwindled to 2. The full court pressure that the Static Sheets were applying was leaving BOHICA out to dry. There were turnovers, shot clock violations, time-outs galore. Nothing could get BOHICA back on track. The Tides decided to take a 2 instead of a 3 which put the shot/game clock back in favor of BOHICA and they ran out the clock like cowards.

Honestly a shite game to watch. No great offense to speak of. No efficiency. Here’s your recap: Cole fouled Ford intentionally. Tommy fouled Cole intentionally. Cole yelled at Tommy. Tommy yelled at Cole. Witt shot a lot. Salvati tried hard. Ford did not. Doyle disappeared as if he were in the nude at noon. Chuck shot terribly. KO and Newbs played through all the BS. Dadbods won.

GET BETTER YOU PEOPLE

by Captain Tenneal

Week 1 Review…

Week 1, welcome back, blablabla. Honestly it was good to see people again and have a pint or 3. I’m sure Edlridge was thrilled we were back as well. Onto the games……

6:30 – Gimmie a Minute VS Laundromats now known as MIA (only Mike In Action)

I’m not sure how this game was played or counted because Mike “Silent Death” Gersitz was the only one from his team to show. This was a hard game to follow as most there were trying to figure out who was actually playing for their team. Apparently Justin and co. had all their people, though no one really showed up (statistically). This should be an interesting team to watch as there is potential. But as usual, Justin stayed on the perimeter against the much smaller Gersitz. Lil’Cuz went “Happy Go Jacky” on every shot he saw, mostly out of iso ball. Jeff May struggled again with his calves and his shooting percentage showed it. Lil’ Josh was a pest as usual but had no major effect on what was going on. There was a lot of one-on-one, I’m getting mine going on. Wait and see if that changes.

Gersitz dominated play as proven by his 40 GAPE (26/18). Dude just finds a way to be effective even if his team doesn’t make him a focal point. Crazy Al went for $28. Based on last year and game 1 of this year, that’s about $22 too much. He struggled scoring again but his energy did help to get his team extra possessions. To be honest, we lost interest in this one after the first 16 minutes. It was best placed as the first game out of the shoot, much like the first fight in an undercard. No one knows who they are and no one cares or will watch. Be better next time.

Based on talent, this should have been the game of the night. Instead we got what may be the greatest disparity in Team GAPE…….ever!!!!!! (96-20) What’s a Pass? came out and absolutely dominated play. Matt “Eye Rake” Vaillancourt looked like the UNC version of “Psycho T” Tyler Hansburough. He destroyed Ford in the paint and completed dominated everything in the 3-second area to the tune of 26/20 on 68% shooting and a career high GAPE of 48. Curt did Curt things and scored at will against a much inferior team (mostly in garbage time) and almost had a triple double (30/10/8). Peyton “Jon’s kid” made his Grinders debut and contributed in every stat category, as did “Bang Bang” Tirado. This game was done before the 1st half had even expired.

Team Chuckets had us up-chucking with how bad they were. They didn’t score. They didn’t pass. They didn’t rebound. They didn’t try. Frankly they didn’t care. Once again self-proclaimed top 5 player in the league Tommy Hughes called “game” with a ton of time left on the clock. Rumor has it that he didn’t want rival Crut to drop 80 on his ass. There’s not much to go on stat-wise for this team. Tommy had a double-double (10/10) but……..ewwwwwww. Be better in week 2.

BOHICA vs Dadbod Does the Shammgod

“THE HUG”. That is all.

The games/shenanigans/trash-talk at the bar was waaaaaaaaay better than any of the games played. You want more write-up? Play better games.