Category: Captain Tenneal

01/30/2024 by The Beat Writer Staff

Opening Night – Week 1

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
01/24/2024	6:30 pm	Grinders	2024.1	40'


E Old Man Jon 01/24/2024 40 - 43 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
E	1	4	18	55	0.327	30	10	2	4	7	41	40	Loss
Old Man Jon	3	1	20	67	0.299	36	10	4	3	4	40	43	Win

6:30 Team OMJ 43 vs Team E 40 Both teams were missing pieces of their teams and both teams needed a sub. This seemed to be a theme of week 1. One of the barguements (patent pending term) was who got lucky and “subbed up”. Pauly “MV” P was selected to be the replacement for Lanzot and OMJ. Peyton was chosen to sub for Zach and “his highness” Michael Francis Ford Coppola VII. Would the subs determine the outcome?

The game started off slowly with respect to scoring. It seemed like each team was having a hard time figuring out their roles and where the shots were going to come from. If Eldridge needed a driveway built, these 2 squads would have gladly paved a brick one for them.

As the game settled in, Team E looked to run the offense through “Tall for Nothing” Justin, getting touches in the paint. The OMJ defense responded by swarming him when he got the ball. Justin was mildly effective in the first half, but faded in the second, finishing with a 13/8 stat line on 33% from the field. That percentage seemed to be the going rate for E squad as Ben “MIA” Sears “and RoebucK” went 4 of 12 to go along with 9 rebounds. Sub Peyton fared a little better shooting 5 of 13 to go along with 4 blocks (one of them he blocked with the crook of his elbow…..damn). Captain E must have been saving it for later cause his shooting was dreadful in this game. E got his looks (some forced) but they just didn’t go down (3 of 12, 6 assists). Sometimes teams just have off shooting nights. I think this was one of those, and not a precursor for the rest of the season.

One guy who doesn’t have a problem taking (and sometimes making) shots is Curtis “insert foreign nickname that we can’t pronounce” Maisch. Curtis led his offensively deficient team (and the game) with 25 points to go along with 17 rebounds and 4 assists. Big Curty dominated the action at both ends, controlling the pace. Mike “Soft off the Glass?” Boccio continued to try his best and finished with a 4/4/3/1 stat line, and was able to effect the game with his hustle. ‘Lil Josh has one of his better games in recent memory contributing 8 points on 9 shots (including an “And 1”) on Tall Justin. Josh spent most of the second half dropping his nuts on Justin’s chin like a cop dunks a donut in coffee. To be honest, his buckets were big momentum grabbers in the second half, and helped the Old Men keep their slim lead. When Curt got cold, sub “MV” Palombo contributed some extra possessions (13 rebounds) as well as executing some screens to get the chucking AD some easier looks.

The game came down to the last minute where the new foul shot rule came into effect. Curt stepped up and drilled his first 2 which seemed to ice the game. Team E came down and hit a big bucket to cut the lead. Curt again stepped to the line with a chance to ice it. He missed BOTH free throws giving the E squad a chance to force OT. As E set to launch the tying 3, Curt redeemed himself with a big block, and the shot never got off. Some in the crowd say ‘Lil Josh threw the body and a foul should have occurred, but oh well. Game over.

Fun facts from the game: 1. We saw the first free throws in Grinders history: Curtis Maisch 2/4. The AD will always be the answer to a Grinders trivia question. 2. The “barguement” over which team subbed up I feel is a little null and void. Both Pauly P. and Peyton did a little something better than the other throughout the stat sheet. Pauly had more rebounds, assists, and steals. Peyton had more points and blocks. 3. Team OMJ is merely 1 win away from the over/under set by Vegas at the beginning of the year. How many of you had money on the under?

E

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Ben Sears	0	1	4	12	0.333	0.375	9	9	2	1	0	3	5.0	10	43.3
Eric Boerdner	0	2	3	12	0.250	0.333	8	5	6	0	0	0	1.7	10	43.3
Justin Rybinski	0	1	6	18	0.333	0.361	13	8	1	0	0	2	2.7	8	43.0
Sub	1	0	5	13	0.385	0.385	10	8	1	1	4	2	12.7	13	50.5
Total	1	4	18	55	0.327	0.364	40	30	10	2	4	7	22.0	41	71.2

Old Man Jon

Player	FTM	FTA	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Curtis Masich	2	4	0	1	11	27	0.407	0.426	25	17	4	1	3	0	13.7	32	76.4
Josh Morcelle	0	0	0	0	4	9	0.444	0.444	8	2	0	0	0	1	0.7	4	54.0
Mike Boccio	0	0	2	0	2	17	0.118	0.118	4	4	3	1	0	1	3.3	-6	9.0
Sub	0	0	1	0	3	14	0.214	0.214	6	13	3	2	0	2	8.3	10	33.5
Total	2	4	3	1	20	67	0.299	0.306	43	36	10	4	3	4	26.0	40	68.4

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
01/24/2024	7:30 pm	Grinders	2024.1	40'


Pauly PPeyton 01/24/2024 45 - 48 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Pauly P	0	1	22	57	0.386	27	15	2	3	6	51	45	Loss
Peyton	5	2	22	64	0.344	28	11	7	1	9	37	48	Win

7:30pm – Peyton vs. Pauly P

One of the more intriguing matchups of this 2024 opening session, the two first-time captains trotted out their teams, both with that sort of “boom or bust” vibe to them. The real MVP Pauly P ran the offense and fed his guy Gersitz, who breezed his way to an 18/10/5 stat line on 60% shooting. Gersitz looked way more GAPEy than he did most of last session, reasserting his dominance as a top dog with 27 GAPE. Pauly wasn’t too far behind, as he matched Mike with 18 points of his own, frustrating the defense with that silky smooth left handed floater. Salvati, AKA Mike 2, had a forgettable evening, as he only managed to sink 2 of his 14 attempts, but he played some solid defense with 3 blocks. Helmet must have had a dream that he was Steph Curry or something, as he was letting it fly from range – he did connect on one 3 ball, but his GAPE of 1 left much to be desired. If Malicki can make his return and is even marginally better than the last time we saw him in action, this team could be an overwhelming force. But, until then, they will likely rely heavily on the two former MVPs to carry the bulk of the load.

Peyton’s team definitely has a theme – high volume shooters and ball handlers galore. For those who don’t know about the draft day debacle, somehow we saw our youngest Grinder weasel his way into securing Tommy for only $5. On the surface, this team should be capable of dropping 60+ every week. But there were some growing pains in their first game – primarily, perennial MVP candidate Jimmy seeing the least amount of playing time and the man who’s never seen a shot he didn’t like, Bryant. 21 points looks nice on the stat sheet, but then it gets ugly – 30 shots and 0 secondary stats outside of rebounds? Not exactly a winning formula. When Jimmy was in the game, he looked like his usual self with an efficient 8 points – but a GAPE of 8 feels like an all-time low for this guy. For the team’s sake they’ll need to get him the ball more frequently and let him do his thing. The $5 man himself, Tommy, couldn’t find a groove, outside of one of his signature scoop layup drives – 5 points, 5 rebounds and 5 turnovers is just so fitting for Tommy. Him and fives! He did have 4 steals and a block, but essentially canceled those out with 5 turnovers and a 2/9 shooting performance that included 2 airballs. Eric “Cuz” Carlson made his return, and we didn’t see too much hacking, but he did drill a three-pointer and added a steal. Peyton led the way in GAPE for his team with 13, and contributed 6 points, along with 10 boards, 4 assists and 2 steals. We will all be praying for him this week when he has to play de-facto “big” man against Cole’s team.

Pauly P

Player	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Justin Gerardi	1	2	9	0.222	0.278	5	4	1	0	0	2	1.3	1	28.3
Mike Gersitz	0	9	15	0.600	0.600	18	10	5	1	0	1	5.3	27	89.5
Mike Salvati	0	2	14	0.143	0.143	4	5	5	0	3	0	7.7	5	26.4
Paul Palumbo	0	9	19	0.474	0.474	18	8	4	1	0	3	4.7	18	63.5
Total	1	22	57	0.386	0.395	45	27	15	2	3	6	19.0	51	87.5

Peyton

Player	FTM	FTA	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Bryant The Grinder	0	0	1	1	10	30	0.333	0.350	21	6	0	0	0	0	2.0	6	41.5
Eric Carlson	0	0	1	1	3	8	0.375	0.438	7	3	1	1	0	0	3.0	6	50.4
Jimmy Zeitz	0	0	0	0	4	8	0.500	0.500	8	4	2	0	0	2	1.3	8	58.0
Peyton Urbaniak	0	0	1	0	3	9	0.333	0.333	6	10	4	2	0	2	7.3	13	46.3
Tommy Hughes	1	2	2	0	2	9	0.222	0.222	5	5	4	4	1	5	11.7	4	22.8
Total	1	2	5	2	22	64	0.344	0.359	47	28	11	7	1	9	25.3	37	66.5

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
01/24/2024	8:30 pm	Grinders	2024.1	40'


ColeCrazy 01/24/2024 63 - 55 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Cole	0	6	27	68	0.397	41	16	4	1	8	73	63	Win
Crazy	4	5	25	71	0.352	23	9	9	0	13	33	55	Loss

8:30 Chuckin’ Champs 63 vs. Crazy Al 55

The matinee game (after schedule alterations) for week 1 turned out to be a pretty competitive affair. Usually the first week of a new Grinders season tends to be low scoring as new teammates are getting used to each other, and the open runs aren’t populated. This was the case in the 6:30/7:30 games, as none of the those teams cracked the 50 point barrier.

New guy Garrett “Bee-Sting Wee Wee” got it started for team Al. He was continually able to drive by the “Matador D” of both Wayne and Cole, leading to easy layups or a drive and dish scenario. This allowed the Crazies to grab an early first-half lead. Garrett (10/24, 21 pts, 4 ast., 3 stls) was able to get Crazy Al (14/7/2/3) loose for his baseline jumpers as well as get some open looks for Todd “Big Dixon” Nixon (6/5/1/2). About the only guy that wasn’t getting it going for the Crazies was Jeff “Superman” May.

The Champs were still in parade/hangover condition. They came out shooting blanks (mostly Cole and Thomasulo). As they continued to misfire like a vasectomy victim, Wayne “Phonebooth” Haynes and “First Ballot” Boerdner (who was subbing) did find some open room near the hoop to get some easy lay-ins to keep the margin (9) somewhat close at the half.

As the second half began, the Champs did what they had done all last season, get hot. Statracker (Jeff May 14/10/2/1) stated the Champs went on a 16-2 run to open up in the second half, claiming a lead they would never relinquish. Chuck “Parkman” Thomasulo (11/8/1) drained a couple 3’s early in the run. Wayne found his bearings too, drilling (3) 3’s en route to a 18/12/4/2 statline. The real story in the second half for the Champs was their sub, E. Boerdner took over in the second half, running the Stockton/Malone pick and roll to perfection. E finished with 21 points to go along with 8 boards, 3 assists, and 2 steals. He also had a game high GAPE of 28. This begs the question, “Do the Champs need Richie?”

Random stuff from the game:
Wayne, Chuck, and E were each 1/2 from the free throw line. There were no over-and-back violations.

Cole

Player	FTM	FTA	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Chris Cole	0	0	1	6	15	0.400	0.433	13	13	8	0	1	4	6.3	22	58.8
Chuck Thomasulo	1	2	2	4	18	0.222	0.278	11	8	1	0	0	2	2.7	3	28.0
Wayne Haynes	1	2	3	7	20	0.350	0.425	18	12	4	2	0	2	8.0	20	56.4
Sub	1	2	0	10	15	0.667	0.667	21	8	3	2	0	0	6.7	28	101.3
Total	3	6	6	27	68	0.397	0.441	63	41	16	4	1	8	23.7	73	109.8

Crazy

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Al Derrico	1	2	6	17	0.353	0.412	14	7	2	3	1	8.3	13	49.8
Garrett Beesing	1	1	10	24	0.417	0.438	21	1	4	3	4	6.3	10	47.9
Jeff May	1	2	6	25	0.240	0.280	14	10	2	1	7	5.3	0	21.2
Todd Nixon	1	0	3	5	0.600	0.600	6	5	1	2	1	5.7	10	43.3
Total	4	5	25	71	0.352	0.387	55	23	9	9	13	25.7	33	62.5

10/03/2023 by Captain Tenneal

Week 1 Recap

Week 1 has come and gone, getting a new Grinders session underway. This beat writer was looking forward to the game-by-game previews that were supposed to come out, but alas………..

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
09/27/2023	6:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


JimmyCurtis 09/27/2023 58 - 56 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
Jimmy	3	2	28	69	0.406	36	19	9	4	9	67	58	Win
Curtis	5	4	26	69	0.377	37	10	5	3	12	50	56	Loss

The MVP vs the most heckled. Jimmy’s well-drafted, meticulously crafted team vs Curt’s “I’ll just throw $$$ at anyone and win” squad of hired goons. For that lopsided look at how they drafted, the game played out much closer than most prognosticators thought.

AD Curt was much more efficient on offense shooting 41% en route to a double-double and a game-high 24 points. This team was still looking for ball movement though. It seemed to be a little too much one pass and up offense….which plays right into Ben “Ghost” Sears’ hands. The “Human Hesi” was back in action after 17 different hiatus’. After showing strong in open run, Ben continued his quality play going 8/19 and chipping in 7 rebounds with 4 assists. Lil Josh found his shooting touch going 3/6, chipping in everywhere else, and having TRIPLE (6vs2) the GAPE of First Ballot HOF Boerdner. Well done Josh. Joe “Sweatsock” Marie was grinding down low most of the game, pounding the glass with a game high 16 boards. Joe also held down Mike “Go to Work” Ford to only 9 shots. Apparently the punch clock was busted.

Team MVP….I mean Team Jimmy looked just like you would expect. The team would defer to Jimmy and take what he created for them……all except new guy Matt “Foul?” Kieta. Kieta walked into the league like it was LA Fitness or something and jacked-up every shot he saw, much to the chagrin of some of his teammates. However, “Keets” did score 16 points on 35% shooting. Not too bad for your debut in Grinders. E looked like he was still heart-broken from last year’s finals going 6/19 and settling for mostly jump shots. Speaking of settling, Ford came back to Grinders from vacation or a work trip, and settled for 9 shots, allowing Jimmy to “go to work” for him. Ford did grab 12 boards and record 3 blocks. MVP Jimmy did “go to work” with a massively efficient triple-double, recording a 40 GAPE. Jimmy had a 24/11/11 stat line on only 18 shots. Gersitz eat your heart out. When Jimmy wasn’t creating for himself, he was getting open shots for his teammates off of the double-teams he created.

Some interesting game notes:
1. Dear Kieta. It is ok to call a foul on yourself. If someone calls a foul on you, don’t bitch about it. We watched. You hack.
2. A very interesting play call to have Joe Marie shoot the game winner instead of AD Curt. Must’ve been a hunch like Kukoc instead of Scottie…..except Kukoc made it.
3. It was great to see Lil Josh more aggressive and taking open shots.
4. Welcome back Ben. I hope it lasts…..honestly.

Jimmy

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Eric Boerdner	1	0	6	19	0.316	0.316	12	6	3	0	0	3	2.0	4	34.4
Jimmy Zeitz	0	2	11	18	0.611	0.667	24	11	11	5	0	4	13.7	40	94.5
Matt Kieta	0	0	8	23	0.348	0.348	16	7	2	3	1	2	10.3	12	48.0
Mike Ford	2	0	3	9	0.333	0.333	6	12	3	1	3	0	12.0	17	53.4
Total	3	2	28	69	0.406	0.420	58	36	19	9	4	9	38.0	73	108.8

Curtis

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Ben Sears	4	0	8	19	0.421	0.421	16	7	4	0	0	6	2.3	6	37.0
Curtis Masich	0	4	10	24	0.417	0.500	24	10	2	2	1	2	9.3	23	65.3
Joe Marie	0	0	5	20	0.250	0.250	10	16	3	2	1	1	11.3	16	44.6
Josh Morcelle	1	0	3	6	0.500	0.500	6	4	1	1	1	3	5.3	6	46.0
Total	5	4	26	69	0.377	0.406	56	37	10	5	3	12	28.3	51	82.4

Details

Date	Time	League	Season	Full Time
09/27/2023	7:30 pm	Grinders	2023.3	40'


KO Cole 09/27/2023 61 - 51 Full Time

Results

Team	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	TmGAPE	T	Outcome
KO	2	3	29	67	0.433	29	7	3	0	3	54	61	Win
Cole	2	9	21	67	0.313	36	10	1	2	5	43	51	Loss

The reigning, defending, undisputed champs come out of the shoot week 1 versus league villain Cole. KO was missing Lanzot and Newberry, and got Crazy Al to sub. C&D was missing Wayne and Richie and replaced them with 1st Ballot HOF Boerdner. Normally in a Cole v Hughes game the sideline can expect to see fireworks. This game, not so much.

Kellen and the rest of the Jets had a very effective offensive game plan. They used Tall Justin down on the block to get point blank looks. When he couldn’t get down there on his own, they screened for him to get into position. That my friends is some high level Grinders basketball. Tall Justin went for 25/9 on 52% shooting, and was the answer for every C&D run. Tantrumming Tommy was more like Triumphant Tommy. Mr. Hughes was extremely effective in scoring and running the Jets offense. He had a game high 26 points on 52% shooting to go along with a team high 11 rebounds. He used screens effectively to shoot 3’s and got out on the break for some easy buckets. Captain Kellen had a poor shooting game, but also directed the offense well, screened, and was a PITA on defense. Crazy Al was his usual athletic annoyance running around everywhere and getting to loose balls.

Chuck and Duck was missing 2 big parts of their team, but got HOF E to sub. The strategy of captain Cole to spread the court and take open jump shots failed miserably in its first game. Chuck “3 for $1” Thomasulo shot 2/16 and generally looked out of rhythm. He did however, harass Crazy Al all game, holding him to 3/8 shooting. “Bang Bang” Tirado was a little better, going 4/12for 11 points and adding in 9 rebounds. He also did a masterful job in locking Kellen down and holding him to a -4 GAPE. E gave a great effort defensively but was a little undersized guarding Justin. Maybe it affected his shooting (4/16 – 9 points) or maybe it was playing back-to-back. Either way E struggled but not for lack of effort. Everytime I looked Cole was bricking another layup like he was Lil Cuz. I have no idea how he had 25 points??? Cole did have a game high 33 GAPE and seemed to be the only consistency in the C&D offense.

Things from the game:
1. Tommy returned to MVPish form.
2. Tall Justin is a pain to stop when he’s not playing like Small Justin.
3. C&D was up 25-17 late in the first half. They got to 32 with like 11 minutes left in the game. Ouch
4. Rumors swirl that Cole was so furious with their performance that he made the team forfeit in Week 2.
5. When will we see Wayne? When will we see Richie? Is Triado’s child already taller?

KO

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Justin Rybinski	1	1	12	23	0.522	0.543	0	9	1	0	0	3.0	23	77.2
Kellen Owen	0	0	2	13	0.154	0.154	0	3	2	0	1	1.0	-3	18.4
Tommy Hughes	1	2	12	23	0.522	0.565	0	11	3	1	2	5.7	27	77.0
Sub	0	0	3	8	0.375	0.375	0	6	1	2	0	6.0	10	60.0
Total	2	3	29	67	0.433	0.455	61	29	7	3	3	15.7	57	98.7

Cole

Player	Air	3PM	FGM	FGA	FG%	EFG%	PTS	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	Defense	GAPE	GmScore
Chris Cole	0	3	11	23	0.478	0.543	0	17	4	0	2	1	9.7	35	85.0
Chuck Thomasulo	2	2	2	16	0.125	0.188	0	4	2	0	0	2	1.3	-6	9.0
Jon Tirado	0	3	4	12	0.333	0.458	0	9	1	0	0	1	3.0	12	50.5
Sub	0	1	4	16	0.250	0.281	0	6	3	1	0	1	4.0	6	35.4
Total	2	9	21	67	0.313	0.381	51	36	10	1	2	5	18.0	47	76.7

01/31/2023 by Captain Tenneal

Week 3

By Captain Tenneal & Gape Chicken

Week 3 has come and gone. There were three games played, only one showed any promise of a watchable Grinders season. Is this a season where we should just forward to the title game? Maybe you should have to take a test to be a Grinders captain? Oh well…..

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Date	Time	Full Time
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01/17/2023 by Captain Tenneal

Week 1

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Overtime:

It was great to see more Grinders stay and have a pint. Grab a beer or mixer or house wine (Witt) and come on back in the gym. Heckle. Do stats. If you’re new, introduce yourselves to folks.

Things that are fair game for trash talking/heckling:

Cole is fat.

Richie’s gambling addiction, and his sister

Curt’s shot selection.

Witt’s knee vagina.

Chuck’s tits.

Anything height related with Helmet, Lil Josh, Tirado, Nixon, Worm, KO (Furby look-alike).

AARP members Pauly P, Ford, Jon U, and Jeff May.

Corey missing the rim…….repeatedly.

01/09/2023 by Captain Tenneal

Grinders New Year’s Resolutions

By Captain Tenneal…

Now that we have seen EPIC GREATNESS in the Dadbod’s back to back championships, y’all bums have some -ish to work on to get to that level. We here at Grinders HQ have some New Year’s Resolutions for each and everyone of you.

Zach, Peyton, Crazy Al: Eat a cheeseburger or 2. You don’t look like men. You look like one of the Olsen twins.

Worm, Corey: Come to Eldridge early and look at the rim. Study it. Become one with it. Maybe this will help reduce all those freakin’ air balls. Embarrassing.

HOF E: This go-around as captain win at least ONE…..just ONE game for the love of god

Maybe invest in a Grinders fantasy book and do some research for the auction.

Ford: “Go to work” more instead of going to work more.

Helmet, “Lil” Josh, Old Man Jon, Todd “Freaking” Nixon: Get your heads out of your asses and show the league that you’re not THIS terrible at this game. Mix in a shot or a rebound, or ANYTHING that actually positively contributes to your GAPE.

Jon Witt: Missing a session??? Tape a damn aspirin to it. You’re not even 40 yet. No excuse for not playing.

Justin: Look at yourself in the mirror. Have your wife measure your height. Remember that you’re freaking tall and try and use it for once.

Cole: Eat less. For the love of god drink less. You’re starting to look like Yokozuna instead of your usual fat, slothy self. It’s called a diet.

Josh Lanzot, Mike Milicki, Mark Doyle, Jimmy, Tirado: There is an actual bar where we play. They sell beer, food, etc. They allow Grinders to stay and have a drink or two after the games. TRY IT FOR ONCE.

Tommy Hughes, Jeff May: Find the fountain of youth. You folks used to dominate this league at times. Figure it out.

Matt Vaillancourt, Chuck Thomasulo: Maybe once try playing in the games that count like its’ open run. Best non-pressure, game don’t matter, players I’ve ever seen.

Gersitz: Stop being a cupcake in big game moments. Dude is fantastic at magic. 3 minutes left in the game or less and the dude goes Houdini. Good luck finding him.

Curt: Only play in the regular season. No one will make fun of you. That’s when you’re good. Treat the playoffs like Richie does. Just don’t show up.

Richie: Nothing we suggest could possibly help. Retire at the bottom. Speaking of bottoms, what’s your sister up to these days?

Kellen: Try some inserts Basketball is a tall-main’s game. Oompa loompas don’t belong. Get one of those inversion tables and stretch yourself out.

Salvati: Grow a pair. Your freaking labia gets in the way every time you go to shoot. Stop being a wishy-washy cuckold and make a decision on the court already.

New Guys Joe and Boccio: Come in and have fun. Grinders HQ will be watching. Don’t turn into a Summer’s Eve.

Pauly P: Welcome back. Get a right hand.

12/21/2022 by Captain Tenneal

Twas the night before Christmas – Grinders 2022 edition

‘Twas the night before Christmas
and all I could hear on the court,
was screaming and shouting
Richie’s being a poor sport. 

The beer mugs were hung
At the bar with great care
Where Cole could be seen
Ripping out his hair.

The rest decided to sit
in the balcony instead
While dreams of championships 
Danced in their heads. 

Jon U. is on the sidelines
His teams don’t let him play. 
That just gives him more time
To pound a Southern Tier IPA. 

The parking lot at Eldridge
was filled with white snow. 
The only thing brighter?
Doyle’s skin all a glow. 

Vaillancourt plays “tough D”
He guards with a scowl
He can often be heard saying, 
“What’s a foul?”

We thought we saw Santa
on the roof, in his sleigh. 
That wasn’t Santa. 
It was none other than Jeff May!

The game was a blowout. 
Ford said with a smirk
“It’s about time for me 
to go to work.”

Skinny Peyton’s a new guy
Let’s not be absurd
All we want from him?
Say 1 freakin’ word

New guy Corey’s a beast
The paint is his house
I gotta tell you
That Bumble don’t bounce!

Another new guy
Has a dad body 
No one wins more
Than Michael Salvati

Tommy used to be good
Now he’s pretty ineffective
Maybe he should just stick
To sports card conventions

Speaking of used to’s
Here’s Chuck Thomasulo
If you draft him anymore
You must be a fool……….o

‘Lil Josh is a nuisance
Some might say a pest
He reminds me of Herbie
“I want to be a dentist.”

After the season was over
Captain E said with a grin,
“I thought I could draft
at least one freakin’ win!”

Ohhhhhhh poor Helmet,
always finishing in last. 
Lord knows we’ll hear,
“Oh %#@& my ass!!!”

Josh Lanzot’s a beast
in the lane, shooting “bunnies”. 
He even treats Christmas
like it’s 4/20. 

Mike G. is tall and
quiet, like a tree. 
All he says is a whisper,
“I’m the freaking MVP.”

Kellen changed his shoes
so he wouldn’t slip and fall. 
The sneakers worked but 
he still shoots AIR BALLS!!!!

Zach doesn’t know how
To shoot he just flicks
He acts like a tough guy
With arms like a stick. 

Tall Justin’s got talent
With his fake and his feints
You’re fucking 6 foot 6. 
Get in the paint!

On Donner, On Dasher
On Comet On Blitzen
Need a 3 for the ship?
Get Todd $&@?!#% Nixon!!!!

Curt wasn’t at Eldridge
He knows the way
I forgot it was playoffs
Curt’s M….I….A. 

Jon Tirado let’s it fly
He fits What’s a Pass
For as bad as he misses
You’d think he’d call glass. 

Mike Benjamin is pretty
I’d like to give him a rub
Dude even had the trophy
In his hot tub

Crazy Al is a vet
Him missing was a crime
He leads Grinders in points
Just from the baseline

Lil’ Cuz is real feisty
He tries to go to the rack
Don’t let him defend you
He’s the league’s worst hack. 

Don’t forget the Grinders OG’s. 
The greats from of old. 
Simon and Nate,
Hearn and Perrault

The games were all over, 
Witt said with a cry,
Merry Christmas to all
and “BALL DON’T LIE!!!!!!”

10/26/2022 by Captain Tenneal

Week 4 Review

There is no Week 3 Review b/c you guys, just like the Yankees, suck!

This game started out as you would expect. What’s a Pass? took an early lead and seemed to dominate the action. Curt continued to fire up shots from everywhere on the court with his teammates giving him a “thumbs up” everytime, knowing he wasn’t going to pass. Then it happened. A scream could be heard throughout the Eldredge Club. It was like a teenage girl in a horror movie, or a woman giving birth, or Richie losing a Draft Kings bet. Curt stubbed his toe on Helmet, flopped on the ground like Cole from a “charge”, and refused to go back in the game. From that point on, game over.

“First Ballot” Boerdner decided to “go to work” to the tune of 3/24. Vaillancourt had to be “Point Guard” Vaillancourt which we all know is hilarious in itself. “New Kid” Peyton was efficient scoring 10 points. “Bang Bang” Tirado would have had better luck than his 1/9 if he merely banged his head against the wall. With Curt MIA, this team is in trouble. No one know what to do with the basketball b/c Curt never gives it to them. God’s speed gents.

Gimmie a Minute took full advantage of Curt’s “injury” (hang nail). Justin “Claven” Rybinski and Jeff “Superman” May dominated the paint to the combined tune of 35 points and 22 boards. “Lil Cuz” pitched in with 11 points and Humpty and Dumpty (Helmet and Josh) each had a bucket.

………………this reporter definitely did not see AD In The Waiting Richie Creamer hand over a burlap sack with “$$$” on it to one Justin “Bobblehead” Girardi post-game.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If Richie “AD in Wait” Creamer has a good game and we, at Grinders HQ don’t report it, did it happen?

So, a great game that started off poorly. BOHICA started off hot and took a huge lead on the Pillowcases (almost by 20 at one point). Creamer (28 pts, 6-3’s) and Jimmy (20 points) shot 21/42, combined for 49 GAPE and dominated the game flow early. Todd “Franchise” Nixon and Josh “Rathman” Lanzot were there physically but that stats don’t really reflect it (don’t worry boys, it happens to everyone, there’s a pill for it). Then something strange happened. Crazy Al turned back the clock to the Glendale days and was scoring (20pts). Mike “Worm” Benjamin was left alone and was draining 3 after 3 after 3 in Richie’s face. Mike “Vow of Silence” Gersitz remembered that he was allowed to shoot and was scoring the second half. All of a sudden that 20 point lead dwindled to 2. The full court pressure that the Static Sheets were applying was leaving BOHICA out to dry. There were turnovers, shot clock violations, time-outs galore. Nothing could get BOHICA back on track. The Tides decided to take a 2 instead of a 3 which put the shot/game clock back in favor of BOHICA and they ran out the clock like cowards.

Honestly a shite game to watch. No great offense to speak of. No efficiency. Here’s your recap: Cole fouled Ford intentionally. Tommy fouled Cole intentionally. Cole yelled at Tommy. Tommy yelled at Cole. Witt shot a lot. Salvati tried hard. Ford did not. Doyle disappeared as if he were in the nude at noon. Chuck shot terribly. KO and Newbs played through all the BS. Dadbods won.

GET BETTER YOU PEOPLE

05/03/2022 by Kenny Blankenship

Final Regular Season Week…

Editors Note: As much effort was put into editing this for grammar and aesthetics as was put into writing this by our league beat reporter…

Since all YOU PEOPLE suck balls, I decided to take a mini-vacation and cruise along the coast, enjoying tasty IPA’s and giving rusty trombones to girls from Virginia. Now that I am back I have to tell you this season has been a disappointment. Not from a fun or competition standpoint though. I’m frankly upset with the lack of commitment to Grinders at Eldridge. Attendance needs to be better. Show up or get out. I’d also like to address the subbing issues. We know Cole was a dick in the playoffs. After seeing who you folks are trying to get sub, I can’t blame him. You shouldn’t be able to “sub-up” and get a better player. Hell, you shouldn’t be able to “sub-even”. It’s your player that’s missing. You shouldn’t benefit from being short. All that being said, this week’s games have playoff seeding at stake. Here’s what could happen………

IPAirballs:

They get the 1-seed if:

– they win both

– they go 1-1 but beat Lethal Shooters

– Lethal Shooters loses a game

Lethal Shooters:

They get the 1-seed if:

– they win both games

– could drop to the 3 seed based on tie-breakers with Dog or Cole

Squatting Dog/We Despise Cole and all HE Stands For

– no team can climb higher than 2 (if Shooters loses at all)

– this game is probably for the 3 seed

– the loser could be the 6-seed depending on tie-breakers

Mother Chuckers/You People

– can only get as high as the 4-seed

– will come down to tie-breakers with loser of Dog v Cole and each other

That’s all for now. Until next week, piss off.

04/19/2022 by Kenny Blankenship

Draft Review…

Week 1 bla bla bla. Someone won (not Curt) and someone lost (almost always Curt). Week 2 bla bla bla. Rinse, repeat, spew bile. I’m not inspired to write about the weekly goings-ons right now. Soooooooooooo, I feel like a draft recap, winners/losers, team assessment article is much more fun. Here you go. I hope “you people” like it.

First, a shout out to Old Man Jon (who definitely did not write this week’s article). Not only did he draft his team (like he was Jerry West), but I was able to follow along with the draft on Twitter thanks to his up to the minute posts. I hope the league continues to do fun things like that (more live games, live draft, etc.).

P.S. Some of the quotes were truly glorious.

Second, it sounds like the new guys at the draft table really enjoyed their experience. I hear the captain’s text is a hoot (if you heart being miserable). I’m happy that we at Grinders HQ have decided to get more people involved.

ONTO THE DRAFT!!!!!

I’m going to start with a draft steal/overpay section.

Biggest Steals:

1. Jimmy Z for $11. I know Jimmy has struggled in the past, but $11 out of a $50 salary cap for a COLLEGE FREAKING BASKETBALL PLAYER, WTF were “you people” doing? Easily the steal of the draft. (Old Man Jon)

2. Soft-ass Tall Justin for $15. Size is a premium in this league and he’s the tallest guy we got. He can shoot too. Justin can be a match-up nightmare. He had no business going for under $20. (Old Man Jon – again)

Biggest Overpays:

1. I’m not sure if you people pay attention but Chris Cole is NOT a top player in the league. He wasn’t worth the $31 Witt paid for him 3 drafts ago and he certainly shouldn’t be the highest paid Grinder again ($30). Wake up people. You’re not paying for Tom Brady. You’re getting Joe Flacco……at best.

2. I’m not sure if you people pay attention but Tommy Hughes is NOT a top player in the league……anymore. The days of Tommy Triple-Double are done and over with. $27 for a poor-man’s old Mark Jackson is ridiculous. The fact that he came within $2 or Gersitz is obscene.

Team outlooks:

IPAirballs: Pre-season pick for the ‘ship. Got Justin and Jimmy for nothing (combined they cost as much as Tommy). Filled in with another big guy in Vaillancourt and got some outside shooting and athleticism in Pauly J. OMJ had a pre-draft plan and executed it flawlessly.

prediction: in the finals

Lethal Shooters: Bang-Bang Tirado came out of the shoot firing. He bought the first 2 players put up for auction (Ford and Curt). We like the addition of Doyle (at nice value $13) and “lil Cuz brings some of the dirty that the “talented” players on the team refuse to do.

prediction: Should see them in the semis.

Mother Chuckers: Chuck said he had a plan. He wanted another shooter and a distributor. He got both in Tommy and Jeff “Superman” May. He added more size and ball-handling in Josh Lanzot and a Pat Bev pest in Todd “Freakin'” Nixon. Chuck paid a lot for Tommy but got great value in May ($15) and Lanzot ($7).

prediction: Should make the semis.

Squatting Dog: Worm was a big question mark as a newer Grinders member. Would he know everyone? Would he have pre-draft rankings? Would he f it up? Well, he got umpteen time league MVP Gersitz. Check. He got Richie for $13 which is pretty cheap for a guy who tends to do well week-to-week. We’re trying to figure out how Bobby and Salvati fit in the mix? Is this a 2-man team or can they gel?

prediction: out in the 1/4’s

We Highly Dislike Chris Cole: League wise-guy Josh was thought of as a captain to watch out for who could put a great team together. Drafting Cole for $30 sure as hell brought that to a crashing halt. He paid too much for a guy who can’t make layups or jumpers, or generally score. Josh did do nicely filling out the rest of the roster, getting bargains with KO for $9 and E for $6. They should both easily outperform their contracts. Ben for $5 could be interesting.

prediction: out in the 1/4’s

You People: Helmet had a big advantage in being a 20 yr league veteran. He went the route of old reliables, getting fellow vets Witt, Crazy Al, and Newbs. We at HQ think that he paid under value for all of these players, getting great deals. Helmet also got league bad-boy Wayne. Wayne can do a little bit of everything. The question for this team is how they all fit together and what identity they can form.

prediction: in the semis

03/28/2022 by Kenny Blankenship

Draft Preview

The times they are a-changin’…………

Finally the Blue Bloods have yielded their grip on the reins and invited the “mid-majors” to the dance (aka the fellas with the monster dongs). The mini-session is upon us and the usual suspects won’t be drafting. Instead we could be headed to a major shakeup of teammates thanks to Helmet, ‘Lil Josh, Chuck, Tirado, Worm, and Old Man Jon. I for one am very interested to see how this pans out. We could get some “dream” teams for the tabloids. Imagine Tommy playing with Richie, Curt playing with Cole, Vaillancourt with E., or anyone actually bidding on Ford on purpose. We are looking at a 5-game regular season and a 2-week playoff.

6 pre-draft questions:

1. Will anyone top Jimmy’s $32 price tag?

2. Who will get the curse of top paid player?

3. Will Playoff MVP Newberry get the financial respect HE thinks he deserves?

4. Who will be overspent on? (Hint – everyone)

5. Will the captains actually play on their teams, or will they be relegated to the bench yet again? (Will this writer even get drafted?)

6. Can enemies co-exist for the betterment of their teams or will egos prevail? (We certainly hope not)

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Old Man Jon

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Pauly P

Peyton

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Cole

Crazy

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Jimmy

Curtis

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61 - 51

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KO

Cole

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