There is no Week 3 Review b/c you guys, just like the Yankees, suck!

This game started out as you would expect. What’s a Pass? took an early lead and seemed to dominate the action. Curt continued to fire up shots from everywhere on the court with his teammates giving him a “thumbs up” everytime, knowing he wasn’t going to pass. Then it happened. A scream could be heard throughout the Eldredge Club. It was like a teenage girl in a horror movie, or a woman giving birth, or Richie losing a Draft Kings bet. Curt stubbed his toe on Helmet, flopped on the ground like Cole from a “charge”, and refused to go back in the game. From that point on, game over.

     “First Ballot” Boerdner decided to “go to work” to the tune of 3/24. Vaillancourt had to be “Point Guard” Vaillancourt which we all know is hilarious in itself. “New Kid” Peyton was efficient scoring 10 points. “Bang Bang” Tirado would have had better luck than his 1/9 if he merely banged his head against the wall. With Curt MIA, this team is in trouble. No one know what to do with the basketball b/c Curt never gives it to them. God’s speed gents.

     Gimmie a Minute took full advantage of Curt’s “injury” (hang nail). Justin “Claven” Rybinski and Jeff “Superman” May dominated the paint to the combined tune of 35 points and 22 boards. “Lil Cuz” pitched in with 11 points and Humpty and Dumpty (Helmet and Josh) each had a bucket.

………………this reporter definitely did not see AD In The Waiting Richie Creamer hand over a burlap sack with “$$$” on it to one Justin “Bobblehead” Girardi post-game.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If Richie “AD in Wait” Creamer has a good game and we, at Grinders HQ don’t report it, did it happen?

     So, a great game that started off poorly. BOHICA started off hot and took a huge lead on the Pillowcases (almost by 20 at one point). Creamer (28 pts, 6-3’s) and Jimmy (20 points) shot 21/42, combined for 49 GAPE and dominated the game flow early. Todd “Franchise” Nixon and Josh “Rathman” Lanzot were there physically but that stats don’t really reflect it (don’t worry boys, it happens to everyone, there’s a pill for it). Then something strange happened. Crazy Al turned back the clock to the Glendale days and was scoring (20pts). Mike “Worm” Benjamin was left alone and was draining 3 after 3 after 3 in Richie’s face. Mike “Vow of Silence” Gersitz remembered that he was allowed to shoot and was scoring the second half. All of a sudden that 20 point lead dwindled to 2. The full court pressure that the Static Sheets were applying was leaving BOHICA out to dry. There were turnovers, shot clock violations, time-outs galore. Nothing could get BOHICA back on track. The Tides decided to take a 2 instead of a 3 which put the shot/game clock back in favor of BOHICA and they ran out the clock like cowards.

Honestly a shite game to watch. No great offense to speak of. No efficiency. Here’s your recap: Cole fouled Ford intentionally. Tommy fouled Cole intentionally. Cole yelled at Tommy. Tommy yelled at Cole. Witt shot a lot. Salvati tried hard. Ford did not. Doyle disappeared as if he were in the nude at noon. Chuck shot terribly. KO and Newbs played through all the BS. Dadbods won.

GET BETTER YOU PEOPLE

Editors Note: As much effort was put into editing this for grammar and aesthetics as was put into writing this by our league beat reporter…

Since all YOU PEOPLE suck balls, I decided to take a mini-vacation and cruise along the coast, enjoying tasty IPA’s and giving rusty trombones to girls from Virginia. Now that I am back I have to tell you this season has been a disappointment. Not from a fun or competition standpoint though. I’m frankly upset with the lack of commitment to Grinders at Eldridge. Attendance needs to be better. Show up or get out. I’d also like to address the subbing issues. We know Cole was a dick in the playoffs. After seeing who you folks are trying to get sub, I can’t blame him. You shouldn’t be able to “sub-up” and get a better player. Hell, you shouldn’t be able to “sub-even”. It’s your player that’s missing. You shouldn’t benefit from being short. All that being said, this week’s games have playoff seeding at stake. Here’s what could happen………

IPAirballs:

They get the 1-seed if:

– they win both

– they go 1-1 but beat Lethal Shooters

– Lethal Shooters loses a game

Lethal Shooters:

They get the 1-seed if:

– they win both games

– could drop to the 3 seed  based on tie-breakers with Dog or Cole

Squatting Dog/We Despise Cole and all HE Stands For

– no team can climb higher than 2 (if Shooters loses at all)

– this game is probably for the 3 seed

– the loser could be the 6-seed depending on tie-breakers

Mother Chuckers/You People

– can only get as high as the 4-seed

– will come down to tie-breakers with loser of Dog v Cole and each other

That’s all for now. Until next week, piss off.

Week 1 bla bla bla. Someone won (not Curt) and someone lost (almost always Curt). Week 2 bla bla bla. Rinse, repeat, spew bile. I’m not inspired to write about the weekly goings-ons right now. Soooooooooooo, I feel like a draft recap, winners/losers, team assessment article is much more fun. Here you go. I hope “you people” like it.

First, a shout out to Old Man Jon (who definitely did not write this week’s article). Not only did he draft his team (like he was Jerry West), but I was able to follow along with the draft on Twitter thanks to his up to the minute posts. I hope the league continues to do fun things like that (more live games, live draft, etc.).

P.S. Some of the quotes were truly glorious.

Second, it sounds like the new guys at the draft table really enjoyed their experience. I hear the captain’s text is a hoot (if you heart being miserable). I’m happy that we at Grinders HQ have decided to get more people involved.

ONTO THE DRAFT!!!!! 

I’m going to start with a draft steal/overpay section.

Biggest Steals:

1. Jimmy Z for $11. I know Jimmy has struggled in the past, but $11 out of a $50 salary cap for a COLLEGE FREAKING BASKETBALL PLAYER, WTF were “you people” doing? Easily the steal of the draft. (Old Man Jon)

2. Soft-ass Tall Justin for $15. Size is a premium in this league and he’s the tallest guy we got. He can shoot too. Justin can be a match-up nightmare. He had no business going for under $20. (Old Man Jon – again)

Biggest Overpays:

1. I’m not sure if you people pay attention but Chris Cole is NOT a top player in the league. He wasn’t worth the $31 Witt paid for him 3 drafts ago and he certainly shouldn’t be the highest paid Grinder again ($30). Wake up people. You’re not paying for Tom Brady. You’re getting Joe Flacco……at best.

2. I’m not sure if you people pay attention but Tommy Hughes is NOT a top player in the league……anymore. The days of Tommy Triple-Double are done and over with. $27 for a poor-man’s old Mark Jackson is ridiculous. The fact that he came within $2 or Gersitz is obscene.

Team outlooks:

IPAirballs: Pre-season pick for the ‘ship. Got Justin and Jimmy for nothing (combined they cost as much as Tommy). Filled in with another big guy in Vaillancourt and got some outside shooting and athleticism in Pauly J. OMJ had a pre-draft plan and executed it flawlessly.

prediction: in the finals

Lethal Shooters: Bang-Bang Tirado came out of the shoot firing. He bought the first 2 players put up for auction (Ford and Curt). We like the addition of Doyle (at nice value $13) and “lil Cuz brings some of the dirty that the “talented” players on the team refuse to do. 

prediction: Should see them in the semis.

Mother Chuckers: Chuck said he had a plan. He wanted another shooter and a distributor. He got both in Tommy and Jeff “Superman” May. He added more size and ball-handling in Josh Lanzot and a Pat Bev pest in Todd “Freakin'” Nixon. Chuck paid a lot for Tommy but got great value in May ($15) and Lanzot ($7). 

prediction: Should make the semis.

Squatting Dog: Worm was a big question mark as a newer Grinders member. Would he know everyone? Would he have pre-draft rankings? Would he f it up? Well, he got umpteen time league MVP Gersitz. Check. He got Richie for $13 which is pretty cheap for a guy who tends to do well week-to-week. We’re trying to figure out how Bobby and Salvati fit in the mix? Is this a 2-man team or can they gel? 

prediction: out in the 1/4’s

We Highly Dislike Chris Cole: League wise-guy Josh was thought of as a captain to watch out for who could put a great team together. Drafting Cole for $30 sure as hell brought that to a crashing halt. He paid too much for a guy who can’t make layups or jumpers, or generally score. Josh did do nicely filling out the rest of the roster, getting bargains with KO for $9 and E for $6. They should both easily outperform their contracts. Ben for $5 could be interesting.

prediction: out in the 1/4’s

You People: Helmet had a big advantage in being a 20 yr league veteran. He went the route of old reliables, getting fellow vets Witt, Crazy Al, and Newbs. We at HQ think that he paid under value for all of these players, getting great deals. Helmet also got league bad-boy Wayne. Wayne can do a little bit of everything. The question for this team is how they all fit together and what identity they can form.

prediction: in the semis

The times they are a-changin’…………

Finally the Blue Bloods have yielded their grip on the reins and invited the “mid-majors” to the dance (aka the fellas with the monster dongs). The mini-session is upon us and the usual suspects won’t be drafting. Instead we could be headed to a major shakeup of teammates thanks to Helmet, ‘Lil Josh, Chuck, Tirado, Worm, and Old Man Jon. I for one am very interested to see how this pans out. We could get some “dream” teams for the tabloids. Imagine Tommy playing with Richie, Curt playing with Cole, Vaillancourt with E., or anyone actually bidding on Ford on purpose. We are looking at a 5-game regular season and a 2-week playoff.

6 pre-draft questions:

1. Will anyone top Jimmy’s $32 price tag?

2. Who will get the curse of top paid player?

3. Will Playoff MVP Newberry get the financial respect HE thinks he deserves?

4. Who will be overspent on? (Hint – everyone)

5. Will the captains actually play on their teams, or will they be relegated to the bench yet again? (Will this writer even get drafted?)

6. Can enemies co-exist for the betterment of their teams or will egos prevail? (We certainly hope not)

The playoffs……..

Quarter-finals

We here at Grinders HQ were wondering if the cream would rise to the top. The betting favorites would eventually make their claim to the title. 

In the quarter-finals Team Curt (Hoops) took out Team Handsome Boy (Justin). Whose 1-2 punch would play better was the question surrounding this one. Curt and May outplayed Justin and Jimmy, fueled by some late game turnovers and missed shots. Justin is left to wonder what could have been if only Jimmy lived up to his league record $32 salary.

In the other quarter-final the only question would be if Mike Milicki would be healthy? A healthy Milicki gave Stye-Eye a shot at it all. A hobbled Milicki and their season would be over. Team Framer (Richie/Ford) took advantage of an injured Mike and beat up the rest of the team. Framer had 3 people with over a 20 GAPE. They dominated the game on the inside and moved on.

Semi-finals

In the first semi-final the reigning/defending champs (Hi-liter) took on the league’s best scoring duo from Hoops. Hoops had what many people thought was the best chance to knock off Mike “The Big Fundamental” Gersitz and co. Hoops was missing Josh Lanzot which proved to be costly. Hoops couldn’t get many open looks and had too many 1 and done possessions. Team Hi-liter ran their offense through Big G to the tune of 28 and 16. Though the game was close at times, Pauly J and Wayne hit big buckets late to keep Hoops at bay and take the W.

In the second semi-final Team Framer (all 2 of them) took on the Dadbods. Team Framer should have forfeited but league director Jon “2-rings” Witt was benevolent and gave Framer 2 subs to try and advance. The subs (Worm and “Bang Bang” Tirado) actually outplayed the actual members of the squad. Vaillancourt and Chuck combined to shoot 4 of 23 for 10 points. Worm and Jon combined for 24. The Dadbods did what the Dadbods do, shorten possessions, set offenses back 80 years (think 4-corners). They took advantage of the missing Framer “studs” (I find that laughable to describe Framer players) to bore their way to the finals.

Championship

Oh…….it…….was……..on. The 2 best teams. Identical 8-2 records. The season series was split 1-1. Contrasting styles. The makings of a classic. There was no love lost between these 2 teams. The Hi-liters beat the Dadbods in the last game of the regular season to capture the 1-seed (by tiebreaker). Things got hot and heated in that one and it would continue in the pre-game. Tommy was complaining and crying about the team the Dadbods played in the semis. This continued throughout the night with he and Cole yelling at each other. Onto the game…..

For all the theatrics this game turned out to be a dud. The defending champs came out flat and fell flat. The best offense in the league was held to 13 made fg’s. They had 3 players with a negative GAPE by game’s end. Big G. was held to 10 total attempts and no one else on the team scored in double digits.

The Dadbods led 17-11 at half. Hi-liters made a run cutting the lead to 27-25 before “2-rings” and KO hit 4 straight jumpers to pump the lead back to 10. “New Guy” Salvait hit a jumper late and Playoff MVP Newberry controlled the boards late to secure the victory*.

Rumors swirl that the Dadbods will “run it back” in September. Until then, keep on Grinding.