Category: Blog

by GAPE Chicken

Week 6

Before we begin the weekly recap, I wanted take a moment to highlight the career, to date, of Grinder Curtis Masich. Curtis, as we all know, hitchhiked his way across Europe from his homeland in Serbia, bartering travel for various “acts”, before stowing away inside a cargo container filled with plastic dicks of various shapes and sizes, completing his arduous journey to the United States of America. Some would say he developed his legendary arm stamina while inside that cargo container, and that’s why he is able to shoot so much… but I am not sure why people would say that. Anyway, upon arrival, he quickly sold enough of his semen to afford an Uber ride all the way to Western New York, where he now plays Monday and Wednesday night basketball at our illustrious EBC. Curtis Masich, whom Grinders HQ named a prestigious award after just this week and also serves as Athletic Director for the club, is undoubtedly one of the most talented players in Grinders. His regular season performances have consistently been top-notch, with remarkable displays of skill and an unwavering commitment to shoot the basketball in complete disregard of his team’s success. But as talented as he is, there is one hurdle that Curtis has struggled to overcome – the playoffs.

It’s a bittersweet irony that a player as gifted as Curtis has never won a Grinder Championship. Year after year, he has given his all in the regular season, often with the steadfast belief he is the only Grinder on his team with talents of any kind, only to see his efforts thwarted in the postseason. For all his heroics during the regular season, the playoffs have been his kryptonite. His struggles in the postseason have become a frustrating trend for his fans and teammates alike.

No one knows for sure what causes Curtis to falter in the playoffs. Maybe it’s the pressure of expectations, or perhaps the heightened intensity of the competition. Whatever the reason, it’s a cruel twist of fate that such an accomplished player has not been able to translate his regular season form into postseason success.

It’s a testament to Curtis’s character that he keeps pushing himself despite his playoff struggles. He knows that his legacy as a player is incomplete without a Grinder Championship, and he’s determined to make it happen. Year after year, he returns to the court with the same fire and drive, eager to prove himself and lead his team to glory.

As we look ahead to the rest of this Grinder season, we can only hope that this is the year Curtis finally breaks through and leads his team to the championship. He deserves it, not just for his talent and hard work but also for his resilience in the face of playoff adversity. It’s not like he’s the kind of guy who would demand a trade the moment he isn’t team captain and has to share shots with Jon Tirado or anything.

Now – on to last week…

  • GAPE Chicken

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by Kenny Blankenship

What is the “Overall” stat?

The math nerd at Grinders HQ likes to play with numbers. He does it for a living and he does it to make fun of fellow grinders. That’s what really drives him. He’s sort of a dick that way.

The “Overall” stat is a measure of a player’s total performance. It factors in all of the positive along with all of the negative stuff a grinder does throughout every game, season, and career.

FAQs:

  • Q: Why? Don’t we have GAPE to do all that?

  • A: Overall is weighted by total contribution and also takes into account a player’s Suck Score. It’s a little different, but similar. You know what? Make up your own stats if you don’t like mine.

  • Q: What’s the formula? How do I calculate it?

  • A: Don’t worry about it.

  • Q: What is the score out of?

  • A: Mathematically, there is no limit. Typically though, scores range from 0-100. Extraordinary efforts may result in a score over 100, or if a player goes 3-3 shooting, and does literally nothing else. Also, terrible efforts may result in a negative Overall Score – and those are really special. I’m hear to celebrate those in particular.

  • Q: What will you use Overall for?

  • A: To humiliate the weak.

by Vic Romano

Week 5

Greetings, fellow basketball players. It is my pleasure to provide you all with humorous summarization of the previous week of organized sporting. Haha just kidding. GAPE Chicken couldn’t make it into work today. I for one am glad – I despise that A.I. scumbag. The world was perfectly fine until these fancy computer programs started popping up, impersonating real people with near-perfect accuracy. I hate it so much. I’m already enough of a lazy, procrastinating loser, and this “GAPE Chicken” only further enables my embarrassing lack of motivation. Hashtag down with the Chicken!!! 

  • Vic Romano

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by GAPE Chicken

Week 4

The three games from last week are the epitome of mediocre basketball, showcasing teams that clearly missed the memo that basketball is a sport requiring both athleticism and skill. With air balls flying and 3PMs (three-point shots) barely passing the rim… I am surprised these degenerates don’t drink more. Brace yourselves, folks, it’s going to be a long and painful session watching these games.

  • By Gape Chicken

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by Captain Tenneal

Week 3

  • By Captain Tenneal & Gape Chicken

Week 3 has come and gone. There were three games played, only one showed any promise of a watchable Grinders season. Is this a season where we should just forward to the title game? Maybe you should have to take a test to be a Grinders captain? Oh well…..

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by Vic Romano

Week 2

I’m pleased to see that the majority of the Grinders learned their lesson from Week 1 – it was sooooo boring watching three straight uncompetitive blowouts. Last week, we only had one of those! Maybe tomorrow we can drop that number down to zero! Wait, what’s that? The Ice Climbers play Kellen and The Jets at 6:30? Well, maybe just one blowout isn’t that bad … what is bad is that I made an Ice Climbersreference, because it doesn’t really work. I remember in Super Smash Bros on the GameCube they were super overpowered if you knew how to use them. So really that is the worst nickname for the lowly Eskimo Brothers. “Smash Bros Wii U” might be a more fitting moniker. To the one person who knows what I’m even talking about right now, I’m very sorry. Let’s just recap. – Vic

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Note – blame Kenny for failing to establish a deadline for this late post…

by Captain Tenneal

Week 1

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Overtime:

It was great to see more Grinders stay and have a pint. Grab a beer or mixer or house wine (Witt) and come on back in the gym. Heckle. Do stats. If you’re new, introduce yourselves to folks. 

Things that are fair game for trash talking/heckling:

  • Cole is fat. 

  • Richie’s gambling addiction, and his sister

  • Curt’s shot selection. 

  • Witt’s knee vagina. 

  • Chuck’s tits. 

  • Anything height related with Helmet, Lil Josh, Tirado, Nixon, Worm, KO (Furby look-alike). 

  • AARP members Pauly P, Ford, Jon U, and Jeff May. 

  • Corey missing the rim…….repeatedly. 
by Captain Tenneal

Grinders New Year’s Resolutions

By Captain Tenneal…

Now that we have seen EPIC GREATNESS in the Dadbod’s back to back championships, y’all bums have some -ish to work on to get to that level. We here at Grinders HQ have some New Year’s Resolutions for each and everyone of you.

Zach, Peyton, Crazy Al: Eat a cheeseburger or 2. You don’t look like men. You look like one of the Olsen twins. 

Worm, Corey: Come to Eldridge early and look at the rim. Study it. Become one with it. Maybe this will help reduce all those freakin’ air balls. Embarrassing.

HOF E: This go-around as captain win at least ONE…..just ONE game for the love of god

Maybe invest in a Grinders fantasy book and do some research for the auction.

Ford: “Go to work” more instead of going to work more.

Helmet, “Lil” Josh, Old Man Jon, Todd “Freaking” Nixon: Get your heads out of your asses and show the league that you’re not THIS terrible at this game. Mix in a shot or a rebound, or ANYTHING that actually positively contributes to your GAPE.

Jon Witt: Missing a session??? Tape a damn aspirin to it. You’re not even 40 yet. No excuse for not playing.

Justin: Look at yourself in the mirror. Have your wife measure your height. Remember that you’re freaking tall and try and use it for once.

Cole: Eat less. For the love of god drink less. You’re starting to look like Yokozuna instead of your usual fat, slothy self. It’s called a diet.

Josh Lanzot, Mike Milicki, Mark Doyle, Jimmy, Tirado: There is an actual bar where we play. They sell beer, food, etc. They allow Grinders to stay and have a drink or two after the games. TRY IT FOR ONCE.

Tommy Hughes, Jeff May: Find the fountain of youth. You folks used to dominate this league at times. Figure it out. 

Matt Vaillancourt, Chuck Thomasulo: Maybe once try playing in the games that count like its’ open run. Best non-pressure, game don’t matter, players I’ve ever seen.

Gersitz: Stop being a cupcake in big game moments. Dude is fantastic at magic. 3 minutes left in the game or less and the dude goes Houdini. Good luck finding him.

Curt: Only play in the regular season. No one will make fun of you. That’s when you’re good. Treat the playoffs like Richie does. Just don’t show up.

Richie: Nothing we suggest could possibly help. Retire at the bottom. Speaking of bottoms, what’s your sister up to these days?

Kellen: Try some inserts Basketball is a tall-main’s game. Oompa loompas don’t belong. Get one of those inversion tables and stretch yourself out. 

Salvati: Grow a pair. Your freaking labia gets in the way every time you go to shoot. Stop being a wishy-washy cuckold and make a decision on the court already.

New Guys Joe and Boccio: Come in and have fun. Grinders HQ will be watching. Don’t turn into a Summer’s Eve.

Pauly P: Welcome back. Get a right hand.

by Vic Romano

Grinder Championship Recap

Here at Grinders HQ, we held a majority vote on whether or not there would be a championship night recap. The majority voted “no way, the last thing we need is to inflate the Dadbods’ ego any more!” And yet, on this merry Christmas Eve, that is exactly what is going to happen. The weather outside may be frightful, butmaking fun of Richie will be oh-so delightful.

BOHICA vs. Dadbods – 63-36

​BOHICA came into this game with confidence – after handing the Dadbodstheir only defeat way back in week 1, they had the entirety of the Grinders Association in their corner rooting for an upset. And based on last week’s performance against Gimme a Minute, this matchup was shaping up to be an all-timer. Well, in that respect, it certainly was. BOHICA shot an impressive 0/16 to start the game, and it took over 12 minutes into the first half until finally, mercifully, Lil Josh ended the drought with a half-assed mid range jumper. Captain Richie shot just over 20% and was checked out well before halftime, resulting in a season-worst -6 GAPE. Jimmy Zeitz was equally ineffective, contributing 8 points on 4/15 shooting. “Big” Josh Lanzot was the lone “bright” spot, as he turned in an acceptable 14 points and a team-leading 10 GAPE. At the time of this writing, the “feels like” temperature outside is -5°, roughy 20 degrees warmer than Richie’s team was in this game.

After enjoying a bye last week, the Dadbods clearly didn’t skip a beat. Jon Witt turned in the easiest 44 GAPE performance we’ve ever seen, and Cole wasn’t too far behind with 30 himself. They both shot over 60%, a true testament to the ineptitude of BOHICA. KO shot nearly 50% and drained a couple of threes. Zach played good defense. As a team, Dadbods outGAPEd BOHICA 86-20, the second-highest disparity this session. That sounds good, I guess.

Laundromats vs. What’s a Pass? – 48-42

What’s this? The first competitive game in two weeks? Realistically, the Laundromats did everything they needed to do to win this game. As a team, they had a better shooting percentage, won the rebound battle, and forced more turnovers. Despite just 10 points from “MVP” Mike Gersitz, he still posted a 20 GAPE. Al “Crazy” Derrico had a poor shooting night but still managed 12 points. Worm almost had an equal shooting and airball percentage. “Suck Bucket” Cory was the real story of the game, tying his career high 19 GAPE on 80% shooting and 10 rebounds. It was really great watching him do the “too small” gesture to Curt after every made shot, despite mostly being guarded by a child 1/3 of his size.

Speaking of Curt, What’s a Pass? gets destroyed if not for him. He put the “Playoff Curt” talks to rest (that title now belongs to Richie) with 31 points with an EFG% of 51%. Matt Vaillancourt pitched in 10 points and contributed in every other stat category. As for Tirado, Boerdner and Peyton? They ran around, combined for 3/20 shooting, and sprinkled in some assists and turnovers. Talk about getting carried to the championship…

What’s a Pass? Vs. Dadbods – 45-43

​This game was the true epitome of what Grinders is all about – more fouls than the stat keepers can count, constant trash talk, and essentially a disgrace to the game of basketball. I’m confident that both teams would have been in the quintuple bonus after 5 minutes of play. I mean seriously, there were two different instances where fouls were called (justifiably so) like 10 times in a single possession. Just terrible to watch. Curt and Matt must have had sore backs from carrying the team in the previous game, as their performances significantly declined. Curt started to heat up for a few minutes towards the end, bringing the team within 2, but it was an ill-advised triple-covered three point attempt with plenty of time on the clock that sank his squad’s chances. You can only hero ball for so long. Matt turned in a 10 GAPE, and when he wasn’t hacking the life out of Cole he was sending his teammates to the hospital by refusing to call out screens. Perhaps it was all part of the plan – after being on the receiving end of a screen from hell, the youngling Peyton showed as much emotion as he had all season and ripped off a couple of buckets. He scored the second most points for WaP? with 8, but was once again phased out of the game plan after a couple of missed threes. “HOF” Boerdner logged more expletives than points, and Tirado picked up where he left off from last game, contributing very, very little. 

For the Dadbods, they rode the hot hand of Witt, who seemingly scored at will against whomever was guarding him. He also executed a flawless defensive gameplan against Peyton, daring him to shoot and then turning into a prime Ray Lewis whenever he decided to drive. Cole dug his way into the heads of Matt and E, cementing his spot as one of the league’s top instigators. Kellen Korver made it rain from three, and Zach once again played good defense. There isn’t much more to report on, this was a signature Dadbods performance, and it resulted in another championship for the second consecutive session. At the end of the day, the better and more-disliked team came out on top, and the Grinders faithful are thankful that they will not be running it back a third time.

Congrats to the Dadbods once again, and Playoff MVP Jonathan Vilma Witt. We at Grinders HQ would like to wish everyone a Happy Holidays. We also hope that nobody’s PTSD kicks in from being locked indoors and unable to travel again. Take advantage of this time to rest up, and please, when we resume next session, be better and don’t let the league villains win again.

by Captain Tenneal

Twas the night before Christmas – Grinders 2022 edition

‘Twas the night before Christmas
and all I could hear on the court,
was screaming and shouting
Richie’s being a poor sport. 

The beer mugs were hung
At the bar with great care
Where Cole could be seen
Ripping out his hair.

The rest decided to sit
in the balcony instead
While dreams of championships 
Danced in their heads. 

Jon U. is on the sidelines
His teams don’t let him play. 
That just gives him more time
To pound a Southern Tier IPA. 

The parking lot at Eldridge
was filled with white snow. 
The only thing brighter?
Doyle’s skin all a glow. 

Vaillancourt plays “tough D”
He guards with a scowl
He can often be heard saying, 
“What’s a foul?”

We thought we saw Santa
on the roof, in his sleigh. 
That wasn’t Santa. 
It was none other than Jeff May!

The game was a blowout. 
Ford said with a smirk
“It’s about time for me 
to go to work.”

Skinny Peyton’s a new guy
Let’s not be absurd
All we want from him?
Say 1 freakin’ word

New guy Corey’s a beast
The paint is his house
I gotta tell you
That Bumble don’t bounce!

Another new guy
Has a dad body 
No one wins more
Than Michael Salvati

Tommy used to be good
Now he’s pretty ineffective
Maybe he should just stick
To sports card conventions

Speaking of used to’s
Here’s Chuck Thomasulo
If you draft him anymore
You must be a fool……….o

‘Lil Josh is a nuisance
Some might say a pest
He reminds me of Herbie
“I want to be a dentist.”

After the season was over
Captain E said with a grin,
“I thought I could draft
at least one freakin’ win!”

Ohhhhhhh poor Helmet,
always finishing in last. 
Lord knows we’ll hear,
“Oh %#@& my ass!!!”

Josh Lanzot’s a beast
in the lane, shooting “bunnies”. 
He even treats Christmas
like it’s 4/20. 

Mike G. is tall and
quiet, like a tree. 
All he says is a whisper,
“I’m the freaking MVP.”

Kellen changed his shoes
so he wouldn’t slip and fall. 
The sneakers worked but 
he still shoots AIR BALLS!!!!

Zach doesn’t know how
To shoot he just flicks
He acts like a tough guy
With arms like a stick. 

Tall Justin’s got talent
With his fake and his feints
You’re fucking 6 foot 6. 
Get in the paint!

On Donner, On Dasher
On Comet On Blitzen
Need a 3 for the ship?
Get Todd $&@?!#% Nixon!!!!

Curt wasn’t at Eldridge
He knows the way
I forgot it was playoffs
Curt’s M….I….A. 

Jon Tirado let’s it fly
He fits What’s a Pass
For as bad as he misses
You’d think he’d call glass. 

Mike Benjamin is pretty
I’d like to give him a rub
Dude even had the trophy
In his hot tub

Crazy Al is a vet
Him missing was a crime
He leads Grinders in points
Just from the baseline

Lil’ Cuz is real feisty
He tries to go to the rack
Don’t let him defend you
He’s the league’s worst hack. 

Don’t forget the Grinders OG’s. 
The greats from of old. 
Simon and Nate,
Hearn and Perrault

The games were all over, 
Witt said with a cry,
Merry Christmas to all
and “BALL DON’T LIE!!!!!!”