Bryant The Grinder made it through the entirety of the basketball game, sans vomit. Well done new guy. Speaking of Bryant, the scorers table was left awestruck at how uninhibited he was to fire up shots as soon as he touched the ball. Even Curtis “Mr. WAP” was offended by all those shots. Eventually, after being shamed by the scorers table, Bryant did pass the rock. 0 assists, 28/8 for a GAP of 12. You do the math. Salvati was allowed to shoot 18 times in garbage time, which there was plenty of. Paul Palumbo had a 27 GAPE – continuing his searing start to this Grinders season. He will be 1st team All-Grinder if he keeps this up. Some goonfish subbed.

Team Jimmy-less struggled. That HOF’er Boerdner improved from his previous game – and contributed negative 3 GAPE in this one. Helmet? 4 air balls (in a row nonetheless), negative 4 GAPE. This team’s sub shot under 16%. Mike Ford had all 14 of his team’s GAPE. What a guy. This game was a blowout from the start.

New Baby Daddy Jon Tirado made his untriumhpant return to Grinders in this matchup that pitted Chris Cole against defacto captain Old Man Jon.

For Cole, “Hall Of Fame” Eric Boerdner subbed for Richie and Chuck, and porked up a suck of fame-like 1-11, and contributed a negative 6 (!) GAPE. Tirado didn’t miss a beat hitting 2 threes… while contributing a 2 GAPE. Like he never missed any games! Captain Cole had a respectable performance, with a 15/16/4 split. Cole’s biggest blunder was not in fact his blatant travel violation, but his offensive strategy against the undersized, older Old Man Jon unit who played man defense. Wayne “Freight Train” Haynes was having his way down low against OMJ, but was just ghosted the remainder of the game by his teammates. Or… maybe it was the knee to the dick that slowed him down, we’ll probably never know. This beat writer blames Cole for his poor quality strategy.

As for Old Man Jon, besides the brilliant defensive strategy that held down the rival team to a paltry 29.8 FG%, continued out-performing his contract, and team responsibilities, by hitting for 4/10 from the field with (another) 3 this week. Garrett Beesing, who not coincidentally represents the Polish, wore his Vaillancourt +5 Jersey of Non-suckness. Earning player of the game for OMJ, Garrett snagged 14 boards and scored 10 for 17 GAPE. Crazy Al and Peyton rounded out a well-balanced attack that gave Cole and his squad of goonfish fits. Zone? Fine – all of OMJ can and did hit the open jumpers. Man? “The Child, Please”.

Post game there were a couple of old guys grumbling about how loud or quiet the calls on the floor were, or something. Oh and Old Man Jon was grumbling about Millennials and their inability to call when they are fouled. Typical millennials – always gimme gimme gimme. Never do anything for themselves. Sack up younglings! Call it when you get fouled instead of crying about the offender not calling it – like you are Baby Tirado or something.

The reigning champs dropped their second straight game of the season, despite some solid efforts from the three starters. Lanzot, Tommy, and Tall Justin all had GAPEs between 14-18. Normally that would be good enough for the win. Let’s be honest, this team used to be good when they used their big men down low. Not the case this week – as Tommy wanted to show Curtis he could shoot almost as much as him.

Not when you can’t defend the WAP! Curtis put in 30/10 and even whined his way to 4 assists. Ben Sears continued to be a force offensively and on the boards, 17/11/6. Defensive Sorcerer Mike Boccio shot 37.5% (eff yeah Boccio) and had 5 steals. Little Josh finished up with 8 GAPE on an all-around mediocre performance. Better than expected for a $1 guy though – keep it up, friend!

Slimmy Jimmys vs. Chuck in my Cole

Tied for closest game of the night, Team Cole was carried by their captain to a victory over MVP Jimmy and co. Instrumental to this feat was holding the man himself to “only” 18 points and a 13 GAPE. Cole posted a 19 point, 15 rebound effort and led his team in GAPE with 23. Both teams kind of struggled from the field, neither shooting over 40%. The only other guy from team Jimbo was the workhorse Ford, who chipped in 10 points, 9 boards and absolutely nothing else. Better than Helmet, who LITERALLY had 1 block as his only stat. It got the crowd fired up, but clearly did not have the same effect for him or his teammates. HOF Eric Boerdner had another respectable showing with 11 points on a higher-than-anticipated shooting percentage. Matt Kieta was once again the topic of conversation concerning fouls, as he vehemently disagreed with a pretty blatant carry. Perhaps this threw him off his game, as he shot 3/14 for 7 points. His frustration boiled over as he threw an elbow from hell that clocked poor Peyton and gave him a black eye. Luckily this guy hasn’t made any sort of reputation for himself as a habitual hack, so I’m sure this was just an accidental incident… Jokes aside, we hope that hip heals up quick, Keets. Chuck played his signature game, shooting 23% from the field but attributed some clutch 3 balls late in the game. Wayne had a similar stat line with 12 points and 5 rebounds of his own. Sub Peyton battled through 7 different injuries and donated a generous 16 GAPE, shooting 44% with a mystery three pointer I don’t remember ever seeing. Did someone accidentally count an air ball as a bucket?

The “gentlemanly” game began with both teams playing… respectfully? Team Jeff May’s star player, Jeff May, was on fire, scoring on 7 out of 16 field goals. However, Team Curtis came strong with Curtis Masich leading the charge. He scored 12 out of 22 field goals. Despite Jeff May’s best efforts, Team Curtis managed to hold on to their lead and win the game 53-48.

Curtis Masich was the standout player of the game, scoring 28 points and leading his team to victory. Ben Sears also played well for Curtis, scoring 15 points and contributing 5 assists. Joe Marie didn’t wear glasses. For Jeff May, Jeff May was the top scorer with 15 points and Bryant The Grinder contributed 13 points, despite being hampered by a sudden illness.

This game had fans!

This week kicked off with was supposed to be, according to beat reporter Vic, a lopsided game between the reigning Grinder’s Champions, Kellen and The Jets taking on Team “Life on the DL” Gersitz. And indeed… it was – just not in the manner anyone expected.

Team KO came out strong, but quickly faded as Father Time had his way with team captain, Kellen. A non-contact injury to his knee while chasing a loose ball ended the captain’s night, but not before he fired up 11 shots, missing 8 and earning a -1 GAPE. Defensive stalwart Zach Newberry was nursing an injury of his own and was expecting to play only a few minutes each half. Unfortunately he was forced to hobble his way through all but a few minutes – and honestly was the only one on his team who showed any spirit in the games final minutes. Tall Justin was left gasping for air, and had a double-double (13/10). Josh Lanzot did his normal Josh things – and managed to bulldoze his way to one of the Guys of the Week on 54.5% shooting. Tommy contributed nearly nothing to his team’s efforts, but did turn the ball over 3 times and led his team in whining about lack of fouls called against him (this beat writer is not surprised by any of that, are you?).

Team Gersitz played shorthanded from the start, while their team captain (Captain? Coach? General manager?) remains on the DL. New guy Garrett and Mike “Worm” Benjamin were out, leaving Al, Peyton, and Old Man Jon to handle things. Boy, did they handle things. The ferocious zone defense held shooters Tommy and KO to under 30% each. Meanwhile, shooting a combined 48.3% as a team, Peyton scored 22, Al scored 20, and Old Man Jon rounded out a balanced offense with an 18 GAPE and a double-double of his own (11/11). Team sub Chris “Alphabet” Cole facilitated things with 7 assists and stole several rebounds from Old Man Jon, because he is a bully. You know you’re in for a long night when Old Man Jon is making layups and draining threes. Al and Peyton ran laps around KOs defenders, who banked on their zone defense when maybe they should have all just sat in the Grinders Ice Bath instead. (Hey, AD – get on that).

Gersitz win via May forfeit.

The reigning, defending, undisputed champs come out of the shoot week 1 versus league villain Cole. KO was missing Lanzot and Newberry, and got Crazy Al to sub. C&D was missing Wayne and Richie and replaced them with 1st Ballot HOF Boerdner. Normally in a Cole v Hughes game the sideline can expect to see fireworks. This game, not so much.

Kellen and the rest of the Jets had a very effective offensive game plan. They used Tall Justin down on the block to get point blank looks. When he couldn’t get down there on his own, they screened for him to get into position. That my friends is some high level Grinders basketball. Tall Justin went for 25/9 on 52% shooting, and was the answer for every C&D run. Tantrumming Tommy was more like Triumphant Tommy. Mr. Hughes was extremely effective in scoring and running the Jets offense. He had a game high 26 points on 52% shooting to go along with a team high 11 rebounds. He used screens effectively to shoot 3’s and got out on the break for some easy buckets. Captain Kellen had a poor shooting game, but also directed the offense well, screened, and was a PITA on defense. Crazy Al was his usual athletic annoyance running around everywhere and getting to loose balls.

Chuck and Duck was missing 2 big parts of their team, but got HOF E to sub. The strategy of captain Cole to spread the court and take open jump shots failed miserably in its first game. Chuck “3 for $1” Thomasulo shot 2/16 and generally looked out of rhythm. He did however, harass Crazy Al all game, holding him to 3/8 shooting. “Bang Bang” Tirado was a little better, going 4/12for 11 points and adding in 9 rebounds. He also did a masterful job in locking Kellen down and holding him to a -4 GAPE. E gave a great effort defensively but was a little undersized guarding Justin. Maybe it affected his shooting (4/16 – 9 points) or maybe it was playing back-to-back. Either way E struggled but not for lack of effort. Everytime I looked Cole was bricking another layup like he was Lil Cuz. I have no idea how he had 25 points??? Cole did have a game high 33 GAPE and seemed to be the only consistency in the C&D offense.

Things from the game:
1. Tommy returned to MVPish form.
2. Tall Justin is a pain to stop when he’s not playing like Small Justin.
3. C&D was up 25-17 late in the first half. They got to 32 with like 11 minutes left in the game. Ouch
4. Rumors swirl that Cole was so furious with their performance that he made the team forfeit in Week 2.
5. When will we see Wayne? When will we see Richie? Is Triado’s child already taller?

The MVP vs the most heckled. Jimmy’s well-drafted, meticulously crafted team vs Curt’s “I’ll just throw $$$ at anyone and win” squad of hired goons. For that lopsided look at how they drafted, the game played out much closer than most prognosticators thought.

AD Curt was much more efficient on offense shooting 41% en route to a double-double and a game-high 24 points. This team was still looking for ball movement though. It seemed to be a little too much one pass and up offense….which plays right into Ben “Ghost” Sears’ hands. The “Human Hesi” was back in action after 17 different hiatus’. After showing strong in open run, Ben continued his quality play going 8/19 and chipping in 7 rebounds with 4 assists. Lil Josh found his shooting touch going 3/6, chipping in everywhere else, and having TRIPLE (6vs2) the GAPE of First Ballot HOF Boerdner. Well done Josh. Joe “Sweatsock” Marie was grinding down low most of the game, pounding the glass with a game high 16 boards. Joe also held down Mike “Go to Work” Ford to only 9 shots. Apparently the punch clock was busted.

Team MVP….I mean Team Jimmy looked just like you would expect. The team would defer to Jimmy and take what he created for them……all except new guy Matt “Foul?” Kieta. Kieta walked into the league like it was LA Fitness or something and jacked-up every shot he saw, much to the chagrin of some of his teammates. However, “Keets” did score 16 points on 35% shooting. Not too bad for your debut in Grinders. E looked like he was still heart-broken from last year’s finals going 6/19 and settling for mostly jump shots. Speaking of settling, Ford came back to Grinders from vacation or a work trip, and settled for 9 shots, allowing Jimmy to “go to work” for him. Ford did grab 12 boards and record 3 blocks. MVP Jimmy did “go to work” with a massively efficient triple-double, recording a 40 GAPE. Jimmy had a 24/11/11 stat line on only 18 shots. Gersitz eat your heart out. When Jimmy wasn’t creating for himself, he was getting open shots for his teammates off of the double-teams he created.

Some interesting game notes:
1. Dear Kieta. It is ok to call a foul on yourself. If someone calls a foul on you, don’t bitch about it. We watched. You hack.
2. A very interesting play call to have Joe Marie shoot the game winner instead of AD Curt. Must’ve been a hunch like Kukoc instead of Scottie…..except Kukoc made it.
3. It was great to see Lil Josh more aggressive and taking open shots.
4. Welcome back Ben. I hope it lasts…..honestly.