– by Guy LeDouche
New Phone Who Dis? (Aka “The Long Con”)
Who Dis? More like who this isn’t – and that is a winning team. This team is top-heavy (insert fat Cole joke here), with Jimmy and Cole at the top. E will have to lean into his Eric Devendorf persona on the court to will some games in his favor. Having Old Man Jon or Helmet on the court at all times is a bold strategy cotton and let us just hope they are not on the court together for too long as a disaster may strike. Jimmy will be asked to score a lot, Cole will attempt to continue his recent resurrection on the offensive end, however, based on the team’s name alone, they should start the season 0-1. It won’t be long before Cole is begging for the DadBods to reunite. The self-proclaimed first-ballot grinders HOF is most certainly not a HOF GM.
Kellen and the Jets?
Which Jets are you with exactly Kellen? New York (I sure hope not)? Winnipeg (About as relevant as the Thrashers)? Benny The Jet (Wrong Sport)? Kenny “The Jet” Smith? Jason “The Jet” Terry? Is Joan Jett performing in between games? I know……Jet Li, hoping he plays like Jeremy Lin (too far?) Ok, truthfully, I actually like this team (because they are the only one with two Dadbods). They can score outside and, in the paint, and will be able to match up defensively with anyone. Some questions do remain, will Justin finally use his size down low, will Lanzot not show up high as a kite for a game, and finally who will Kellen hand check next? But I still cannot get past the team’s name so I googled the word Jet and you know what, the team’s name makes sense now. When I google the definition of Jet, it says “a rapid stream of liquid or gas forced out of a small opening”. So, the team’s name translates to Kellen Gets A Bukkake, got it.
Green Bubbles (aka We Chuck on the 1st Date)
Green bubble shaming is not ok. We here at Grinders HQ will not tolerate the slander of anyone who is personally punishing themselves with an Android phone. Maybe Chuck blew bubbles and bubbles had a blue smurf or Na’vi-like dick, traumatizing him for life at the site of blue bubbles anywhere. Not sure I can talk basketball after that graphic image I put out there. You know what would be nice though? If Chuck hit the ceiling just once on a jumper like in the good old days. Also, this team has Mike “All I Do I Win” Salvati on it, who is clearly the John Paxson of Grinders. Not sure I would bet against that.
Bang Bang
Bang Bang… let us name our team after an appetizer from a restaurant that has gone out of business locally. Great idea, well it actually makes sense because, with the players on his team, they have a history of going out of business come playoff time anyway.
Eskimo Brothers
Worm is great! He may or may not have had sex with the trophy, or he used it during sex or his wife had sex with the trophy, we really are not sure. But he did have his wife and kids show up after a playoff loss to watch him throw the tip, what a family man he is! He is really setting a great example for his kids. He persevered through the playoff loss to still throw the tip. Kids do not give up on your dreams! His team is made up of a retired vet who once gave his sneakers to a fellow Grinder after retirement only to come back three sessions later, a new guy who he is Eskimo brothers with, and some “great athlete” (have you seen who is in this league, being a great athlete is not hard) sounds like a real winning squad. How could I forget the most expensive player on his team….the $27 man, the milkshake-drinking world traveler, the “insert name” stopper, the only man in the league that can go to work at a moment notice on the court, the guy who will gut it out through the jet leg to play for his team, Mr. Can we get the 8:30 game himself, Mike Ford. Just hand this team the trophy now.
Editor’s Note: Worm definitely came in that trophy.
No Name
Finally, the team with no name. It’s a shame they have no name because they are probably the favorites to win it all. Team dissension is bound to happen. Word is Gersitz’s laundromats are being ransacked by Corey and Richie. Richie has a gambling addiction that he needs to help pay for and Corey is collecting quarters to help pay for his inevitable two to three airballs a game. One thing is for sure, no chair or garbage can is safe when this team is on the court.
Standing Prediction:
- 1: No Name
- 2: Kellen Gets a Bukkake
- 3: Chuck Blew Bubbles
- 4: Bone Fish Grill
- 5: Eskimo Brothers
- 6: Mr. Telephone Man