6:30 If Only Curt Could Pass to Himself 65 vs Team Mayday Mayday 56 On paper this game looked like a miss-match. Then Mayday got special, double secret dispensation, to have none other than “Trim” Tommy Hughes and “Crazy Al” sub for their squad of lost boys. To counteract that move, Captain Curt took advantage of the sub list and called in Garrett “god’s” Blessing to sub. Who plays for who anymore? I don’t know. All I can remember from 2-weeks ago is that this game was back and forth throughout most of it. Tommy and Curt went nose-to-nose, Garrett finally played well for a team he subbed for, Bryant recorded his first career Grinder assist, and Team Curt pulled away late.

7:30 Paper Champs 60 vs The Gersitz Six 63

Again, 2 weeks of memory loss. This game was back and forth early. Gersitz’s squad looked like they were going to blow out the reigning champs until a case of the turnovers took hold. The Champs got hot to pull it close. Hughes hit a prayer 3 to cut the deficit to 3. Someone turned the ball over (probably Garrett) with under 12 seconds left. In the scramble, no one could get free. Hughes launched one from the other side of the logo that missed. Game over.

Oh, Old Man Jon fell down, yelled things, threw the ball off of the wall, punched the floor, subbed himself out, and got even more angry when his Clapper didn’t work. Yelled at Tommy. Didn’t get memo Tommy was a big deal. Not that he should have needed a memo. That was exciting.

8:30 Jimmy Fredette’s 44 vs Chuck Your Couch 54

More foggy brain. Cole’s team had more subs than DiBella’s. Jimmy’s team rounded up the entire Urbaniak family to play. You figure it out. A pretty boring game from start to finish. Wayne and Cole were bullies. Jimmy tried to carry his team. E ventured into Richie territory with a -5 GAPE. Bla Bla Bla

6:30 – Mayday, Mayday vs. Max Gersitzappen: 46-49

With Captain Jeff May sidelined again, the Budget Beasts needed to really step up against the top team. And in the first half, they did exactly that – Todd and Pauly P were looking like MJ and Kobe out there with some of the shots they were hitting. Bryant was finishing strong inside, and had 3 three’s. Salvati displayed his trademarked hustle, grabbing rebounds he had no business getting to and exploited the weak parts of the defense for some easy finishes. It looked like an upset was brewing early in the evening, but alas, the first half gameplan went out the window. Bryant went full takeover mode, as he ended the game with 31 attempts and raised his season WAP to 40%! For reference, that’s higher than Curtis this session. Everyone else for May’s team shot 50% from the field – Salvati went 6/10, Pauly had 8/15/5, and Nixon contributed 13 points and had a three pointer. Perhaps they would have liked to see more of the rock in the second half, but they’ll look to carry over some of their positive momentum against Curt’s team.

Team Gersitz came out of the gates looking lackadaisical – it looked like they were just trying to get in and up on out of there. But some second half adjustments, mainly on the defensive side showed why they are sitting at 5-1. They just have 5 solid guys, one of whom happens to be a 5 time MVP. “Crazy” Al had an off night, shooting just 3/15, but played an otherwise all-around game with 7 rebounds, 5 assists, 2 steals and a block. Garrett shot 3/9, but played an otherwise all-around game with 7 rebounds, 5 assists, 2 steals and a block. No, I did not copy and paste the same thing twice. Their stats were just identical. The Old Polack Jon continued his magical stretch, as he took advantage of being left constantly open on the wing as he went 6/12 for 12 points, and nothing else. That’s a guy who plays his role to perfection. Gersitz somehow only took 9 shots, but ended with 11 points, 8 rebounds and a bunch of other stuff. Peyton led the way in scoring with 14 points, and chipped in 3 steals and a block on defense. The defensive switch to put him on Bryant was perhaps the defining move of the night, and who would have ever thought that making the young guy guard the other young guy would work so well?

7:30 – Jimminy Crickets vs. What’s a WaR?: 36-46

Is it time to start taking Curtis’ team seriously?? Just maybe, although we might need to see some inspiring play from someone not of Serbian descent. The captain put on a dominating display, dropping 25 points on 10 made FGs thanks to 5 threes and 43% shooting. Perhaps more impressive was his Wendy’s defensive stat line – 4 for 4 steals and blocks! And 4 turnovers for good measure! Boccio put in one of my all time favorite performances with 0 points, 15 rebounds and 5 assists, including three straight offensive rebounds and kick outs to beyond the arc. Absolutely electric. Joe Marie struggled shooting the ball, but controlled the boards with 10 of his own with what definitely looked like more than 2 assists. Teams keep letting Peyton sub somehow, and the fill-in went 13/8 on 60% shooting, with 2 blocks and a rare 3 pointer. When Ben rejoins this team, and if Curtis can continue his hot streak, these guys will be a tough out every week.

As for Jimmy’s team, I think you have to point the blame towards Mike Ford for this one. They sorely missed his post presence, and while Garrett did fine subbing, and as much as I hate to say it, I think a stronger interior could have changed the script on this one. Jimmy was held to 16 points on 36% shooting, which really isn’t bad at all, but we’re used to seeing that number doubled most nights. Helmet was essentially a worse Boccio, as he also shot 0/6 from the field but had 12 rebounds and goose eggs in every other stat. The HOFer “E” could only manage 8 points as he was flummoxed by the lockdown (hackdown?) defense from the Bocc. The team collectively had a 28% shooting percentage, which simply will not get the job done against any team. Perhaps the lone highlight of the night was Jimmy putting Curtis and Peyton on skates – the only moment worth remembering in a forgettable showing.

8:30 – Kellen and the Jets 63 We Chucked Your Wife Raw 56
The defending champs vs a potential replacement in the primetime spot. Like Vanessa Williams once sang, “You go and save the best….for last.”

From my eyes at the scorers table (actually, hidden cameras secretly inserted in the gym so I can view from the comfort of my couch like Ben Stiller at the end of Dodgeball) this was one of the better played games in recent memory (at least through regulation). The game had a methodical flow to it as it was played more in the half-court than in transition.

The Jets seemed to focus on putting Tommy Hughes in pick and roll situations, trying to get Chuck “Akon: Got Me Locked Up” Thomosulo off of him. The strategy worked. Chuck went 2/2 on the offensive end, but couldn’t handle running through all the screens, and “Pop Goes the Calf” reoccurred. The Jets quickly pivoted to having Tommy go “Hero Ball” and beat up on poor, defenseless Jon “Even my newborn bullies me on the block” Tirado. The plan was very effective. Mr. Hughes led the game with 25 points while forcing non-stop double teams. He also collected 7 assists out of those double situations to go along with 10 boards. The recipient of most of those passes was Josh “Macho Man elbow” Lanzot who was extremely effective at point-blank range. Lanzot dominated the paint with 18 points (56% fg) and 10 boards. He also chipped in with 5 assists and 4 steals. Justin and captain KO were present, but only combined for 9/29 and 20 points, being relegated to overweight cheerleaders at the Hughes/Lanzot show.

The “Wife Chuckers” had what seemed like the answer to the Jets 1-2-1 zone. They continually used the corner jumper as a layup line……for the first 2 possessions. Chuck “Achilles Calf” Thomosulo was on pace for a Grinders record 80 points on 40/40 shooting until the Jet bullies targeted his weak lower half. Captain Cole thought a great replacement for Chuck would be a 53 year old, 5 IPA’s in, Jon “Father Time” Urbaniak. Jon started off hot going 1-1 from the Chuck hot-spot. That was the highlight for him offensively as he missed his next 11 from the field. He was definitely a guy who “Tried His Best”.

The “Chucksters” changed gears and ran their offense through Wayne “Anchors Away” Haynes. Based on the results, more bad decision making by Coach/Captain Cole. Wayne went 4/26………..4/26?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! My god. He did contribute 16 rebounds (game high), 6 assists, 2 steals, and a block. The “Chuck-its” did get a marvelous game from Jon “I Bank 3’s better than my baby” Tirado. Tirado dropped 17 on the hapless 1-2-1 zone, including a “Bang Bang” banked money shot all over Kellen’s face………FROM THE LOGO. Clearly Tirado has NBA-type range, and in your eye-ball accuracy (note: see KO’s pink eye). Chuck and Co. rode Tirado’s wave of 3’s to a lead midway through the second half. The Jets continued their WWF ways by taking out players that are a threat. KO layed out Tirado on a break-away like a Chris Chelios check in the 80’s. JT came up limp which forced the team into a swiss-cheese 2-2 zone The Jets dissected that zone for the rest of regulation and OT.

The champs came back like champs do though, Got some turnovers, made a run of their own, survived and in-and-out buzzer beater by Wayne (who might not be able to hit water if he fell off of a boat), and shut out their opponent in OT. Champs come up clutch, chumps fall short.

Were injuries, IPA’s, and no-shows reasons for the loss? Who knows? I’d like to see this one played back in the playoffs with all hands on deck.

Week 6 started, and ended, with a blowout. Although there was an actual final score, Captain Curtis could be heard saying “37 to who fucking cares. They played like it was Game 7 of the Finals. Who the fuck is Chuck? He’s NEVER played that hard. Also give him 17 more fouls. One rebound? What the fuck OMJ? ONE REBOUND?”

Curtis did lead his team’s “Effort” with 14/1/1 and a GAPE of… 1. Ben was fine if you ignore the 6 turnovers… 2 GAPE. Little Josh? Minus 1 GAPE. Thank god for Joe The Grinder and Boccio The Grinder. At least they tried their best. It’s quite possible this team is terrible.

Team Cole, on the other hand, still manages to get quality subs for Richie… who was knowingly picked despite being unavailable for the first 6 weeks. Wayne has stink eye. So Peyton “Him” offered his talents – holding Ben in check and contributing 20 GAPE. Bang Bang Daddy shot 45.5% and had 11/3/4. That’s all fine and good. But Team Captain Christopher “Alphabet That Call Wasn’t Audible Enough Fuck You Curtis” Cole continued his bid for league MVP (asterisked with Gersitz on DL). 15 points on 62.5 EFG%, 7 board and 7 assists on quality passes against a disinterested Team Curtis. Chuck “Mama Mita” T came out HOT, drilling his first 4 shots en route to a game high 20 points on 56.3/62.5% shooting. Chuck would have had an easy double/double had his captain not gotten jealous of all the attention he was getting… and stealing numerous rebounds. Contrary to what Curtis said – Chuck did not have 21 PFs. He had 4. Suck it Curtis. 22 GAPE for Chuck. 24 for Chris. Nice work. Goonfish.

Team Jimmy forfeited. Only 2 Grinders.

KO breaks 2 game skid on forfeit win. Jeff May forfeit with 2 Grinders.

Bryant The Grinder made it through the entirety of the basketball game, sans vomit. Well done new guy. Speaking of Bryant, the scorers table was left awestruck at how uninhibited he was to fire up shots as soon as he touched the ball. Even Curtis “Mr. WAP” was offended by all those shots. Eventually, after being shamed by the scorers table, Bryant did pass the rock. 0 assists, 28/8 for a GAP of 12. You do the math. Salvati was allowed to shoot 18 times in garbage time, which there was plenty of. Paul Palumbo had a 27 GAPE – continuing his searing start to this Grinders season. He will be 1st team All-Grinder if he keeps this up. Some goonfish subbed.

Team Jimmy-less struggled. That HOF’er Boerdner improved from his previous game – and contributed negative 3 GAPE in this one. Helmet? 4 air balls (in a row nonetheless), negative 4 GAPE. This team’s sub shot under 16%. Mike Ford had all 14 of his team’s GAPE. What a guy. This game was a blowout from the start.

New Baby Daddy Jon Tirado made his untriumhpant return to Grinders in this matchup that pitted Chris Cole against defacto captain Old Man Jon.

For Cole, “Hall Of Fame” Eric Boerdner subbed for Richie and Chuck, and porked up a suck of fame-like 1-11, and contributed a negative 6 (!) GAPE. Tirado didn’t miss a beat hitting 2 threes… while contributing a 2 GAPE. Like he never missed any games! Captain Cole had a respectable performance, with a 15/16/4 split. Cole’s biggest blunder was not in fact his blatant travel violation, but his offensive strategy against the undersized, older Old Man Jon unit who played man defense. Wayne “Freight Train” Haynes was having his way down low against OMJ, but was just ghosted the remainder of the game by his teammates. Or… maybe it was the knee to the dick that slowed him down, we’ll probably never know. This beat writer blames Cole for his poor quality strategy.

As for Old Man Jon, besides the brilliant defensive strategy that held down the rival team to a paltry 29.8 FG%, continued out-performing his contract, and team responsibilities, by hitting for 4/10 from the field with (another) 3 this week. Garrett Beesing, who not coincidentally represents the Polish, wore his Vaillancourt +5 Jersey of Non-suckness. Earning player of the game for OMJ, Garrett snagged 14 boards and scored 10 for 17 GAPE. Crazy Al and Peyton rounded out a well-balanced attack that gave Cole and his squad of goonfish fits. Zone? Fine – all of OMJ can and did hit the open jumpers. Man? “The Child, Please”.

Post game there were a couple of old guys grumbling about how loud or quiet the calls on the floor were, or something. Oh and Old Man Jon was grumbling about Millennials and their inability to call when they are fouled. Typical millennials – always gimme gimme gimme. Never do anything for themselves. Sack up younglings! Call it when you get fouled instead of crying about the offender not calling it – like you are Baby Tirado or something.

The reigning champs dropped their second straight game of the season, despite some solid efforts from the three starters. Lanzot, Tommy, and Tall Justin all had GAPEs between 14-18. Normally that would be good enough for the win. Let’s be honest, this team used to be good when they used their big men down low. Not the case this week – as Tommy wanted to show Curtis he could shoot almost as much as him.

Not when you can’t defend the WAP! Curtis put in 30/10 and even whined his way to 4 assists. Ben Sears continued to be a force offensively and on the boards, 17/11/6. Defensive Sorcerer Mike Boccio shot 37.5% (eff yeah Boccio) and had 5 steals. Little Josh finished up with 8 GAPE on an all-around mediocre performance. Better than expected for a $1 guy though – keep it up, friend!