Category: Blog

by Captain Tenneal

Week 1 Recap

Week 1 has come and gone, getting a new Grinders session underway. This beat writer was looking forward to the game-by-game previews that were supposed to come out, but alas………..

Accolades

Date Time League Season Full Time
09/27/2023 6:30 pm Grinders 2023.3 40'
09/27/2023
58 - 56
Full Time

Results

TeamAir3PMFGMFGAFG%REBASTSTLBLKTOTmGAPETOutcome
Jimmy3228690.40636199496758Win
Curtis5426690.377371053125056Loss
The MVP vs the most heckled. Jimmy’s well-drafted, meticulously crafted team vs Curt’s “I’ll just throw $$$ at anyone and win” squad of hired goons. For that lopsided look at how they drafted, the game played out much closer than most prognosticators thought. AD Curt was much more efficient on offense shooting 41% en route to a double-double and a game-high 24 points. This team was still looking for ball movement though. It seemed to be a little too much one pass and up offense….which plays right into Ben “Ghost” Sears’ hands. The “Human Hesi” was back in action after 17 different hiatus’. After showing strong in open run, Ben continued his quality play going 8/19 and chipping in 7 rebounds with 4 assists. Lil Josh found his shooting touch going 3/6, chipping in everywhere else, and having TRIPLE (6vs2) the GAPE of First Ballot HOF Boerdner. Well done Josh. Joe “Sweatsock” Marie was grinding down low most of the game, pounding the glass with a game high 16 boards. Joe also held down Mike “Go to Work” Ford to only 9 shots. Apparently the punch clock was busted. Team MVP….I mean Team Jimmy looked just like you would expect. The team would defer to Jimmy and take what he created for them……all except new guy Matt “Foul?” Kieta. Kieta walked into the league like it was LA Fitness or something and jacked-up every shot he saw, much to the chagrin of some of his teammates. However, “Keets” did score 16 points on 35% shooting. Not too bad for your debut in Grinders. E looked like he was still heart-broken from last year’s finals going 6/19 and settling for mostly jump shots. Speaking of settling, Ford came back to Grinders from vacation or a work trip, and settled for 9 shots, allowing Jimmy to “go to work” for him. Ford did grab 12 boards and record 3 blocks. MVP Jimmy did “go to work” with a massively efficient triple-double, recording a 40 GAPE. Jimmy had a 24/11/11 stat line on only 18 shots. Gersitz eat your heart out. When Jimmy wasn’t creating for himself, he was getting open shots for his teammates off of the double-teams he created. Some interesting game notes: 1. Dear Kieta. It is ok to call a foul on yourself. If someone calls a foul on you, don’t bitch about it. We watched. You hack. 2. A very interesting play call to have Joe Marie shoot the game winner instead of AD Curt. Must’ve been a hunch like Kukoc instead of Scottie…..except Kukoc made it. 3. It was great to see Lil Josh more aggressive and taking open shots. 4. Welcome back Ben. I hope it lasts…..honestly.

Jimmy

Player FTM FTA FT% Air 3PM FGM FGA FG% EFG% PTS REB DReb OReb AST STL BLK TO Defense GAPE GmScore
Eric Boerdner000106190.3160.3161260030032.0434.4
Jimmy Zeitz 0000211180.6110.6672411001150413.74094.5
Matt Kieta000008230.3480.34816700231210.31248.0
Mike Ford00020390.3330.33361200313012.01753.4
Total0003228690.4060.4205836001994938.073108.8

Curtis

Player FTM FTA FT% Air 3PM FGM FGA FG% EFG% PTS REB DReb OReb AST STL BLK TO Defense GAPE GmScore
Ben Sears000408190.4210.4211670040062.3637.0
Curtis Masich 0000410240.4170.50024100022129.32365.3
Joe Marie000005200.2500.250101600321111.31644.6
Josh Morcelle00010360.5000.500640011135.3646.0
Total0005426690.3770.40656370010531228.35182.4

Accolades

Date Time League Season Full Time
09/27/2023 7:30 pm Grinders 2023.3 40'
09/27/2023
61 - 51
Full Time

Results

TeamAir3PMFGMFGAFG%REBASTSTLBLKTOTmGAPETOutcome
KO2329670.4332973035461Win
Cole2921670.31336101254351Loss

The reigning, defending, undisputed champs come out of the shoot week 1 versus league villain Cole. KO was missing Lanzot and Newberry, and got Crazy Al to sub. C&D was missing Wayne and Richie and replaced them with 1st Ballot HOF Boerdner. Normally in a Cole v Hughes game the sideline can expect to see fireworks. This game, not so much.

Kellen and the rest of the Jets had a very effective offensive game plan. They used Tall Justin down on the block to get point blank looks. When he couldn’t get down there on his own, they screened for him to get into position. That my friends is some high level Grinders basketball. Tall Justin went for 25/9 on 52% shooting, and was the answer for every C&D run. Tantrumming Tommy was more like Triumphant Tommy. Mr. Hughes was extremely effective in scoring and running the Jets offense. He had a game high 26 points on 52% shooting to go along with a team high 11 rebounds. He used screens effectively to shoot 3’s and got out on the break for some easy buckets. Captain Kellen had a poor shooting game, but also directed the offense well, screened, and was a PITA on defense. Crazy Al was his usual athletic annoyance running around everywhere and getting to loose balls.

Chuck and Duck was missing 2 big parts of their team, but got HOF E to sub. The strategy of captain Cole to spread the court and take open jump shots failed miserably in its first game. Chuck “3 for $1” Thomasulo shot 2/16 and generally looked out of rhythm. He did however, harass Crazy Al all game, holding him to 3/8 shooting. “Bang Bang” Tirado was a little better, going 4/12for 11 points and adding in 9 rebounds. He also did a masterful job in locking Kellen down and holding him to a -4 GAPE. E gave a great effort defensively but was a little undersized guarding Justin. Maybe it affected his shooting (4/16 – 9 points) or maybe it was playing back-to-back. Either way E struggled but not for lack of effort. Everytime I looked Cole was bricking another layup like he was Lil Cuz. I have no idea how he had 25 points??? Cole did have a game high 33 GAPE and seemed to be the only consistency in the C&D offense.

Things from the game:
1. Tommy returned to MVPish form.
2. Tall Justin is a pain to stop when he’s not playing like Small Justin.
3. C&D was up 25-17 late in the first half. They got to 32 with like 11 minutes left in the game. Ouch
4. Rumors swirl that Cole was so furious with their performance that he made the team forfeit in Week 2.
5. When will we see Wayne? When will we see Richie? Is Triado’s child already taller?

KO

Player FTM FTA FT% Air 3PM FGM FGA FG% EFG% PTS REB DReb OReb AST STL BLK TO Defense GAPE GmScore
Justin Rybinski 0001112230.5220.543090010003.02377.2
Kellen Owen000002130.1540.154030020011.0-318.4
Tommy Hughes0001212230.5220.5650110031025.72777.0
Sub00000380.3750.375060012006.01060.0
Total0002329670.4330.455612900730315.75798.7

Cole

Player FTM FTA FT% Air 3PM FGM FGA FG% EFG% PTS REB DReb OReb AST STL BLK TO Defense GAPE GmScore
Chris Cole 0000311230.4780.5430170040219.73585.0
Chuck Thomasulo000222160.1250.188040020021.3-69.0
Jon Tirado000034120.3330.458090010013.01250.5
Sub000014160.2500.281060031014.0635.4
Total0002921670.3130.3815136001012518.04776.7
by Vic Romano

2023.3 Grinders Session Preview

It feels like it has been an eternity since the last meaningful Grinders game was played, way back in March. If you have forgotten or simply don’t care at all, Kellen led his super team to a convincing victory over E and his MVP/first team duo of Jimmy and Cole. It was honestly like a cinematic masterpiece: if you consider Dadbod on Dadbod crime cinema. Honestly sounds more like something heinous you’d stumble upon while taking a deep dive on the Hub. The mini session happened, and since then the Grinders talent has been as active as ever. They took their talents outdoors to the pickleball court where what started as a relaxing, casual event turned into a racket smashing, expletive hurling sweat fest. Tensions arose quickly, but dissipated just as fast as soon as the bucket of brews came out. And then the draft, from what I’ve heard through the grapevine, was as professional and elegant as you would expect. What I would give to have been a fly on the wall… I am so eager to see if the aftermath of last week carries into tonight. So many feuds and storylines for this session that you’d think Vince McMahon had taken over as AD! But enough of all that – it’s preview time, baybay.

Session Preview

The GAPE Chicken at Grinders HQ has thrown together an early power rankings, if you will, based on each teams’ average player WAR. Basically, the higher the cute little number with the decimals, the better that respective team is expected to be. Since WAR is typically reserved for individuals, the average of all players on a team, for now, I’ll call “GRIND.” Don’t question it. I also have not been sent any team names, so please be understanding, Grinders HQ has been working so very hard this offseason and hasn’t ironed everything out yet.

6) Cole’s Team (0.7568 GRIND)

This does put a smile on my face. I really am curious as to what the strategy was on draft night. Was Cole influenced by the preseason open runs and decided to just run that same team back for 10 more weeks? Consider this analyst skeptical. Taking Wayne early is a bit of a gamble, as no one is really sure what to expect. I’m not hating on it by any means – I am all about the high risk, high reward maneuvers. What I am NOT all about is the high risk, low reward picks in Jon “Bang Bang” Tirado and “Captain Integrity” Chuck. Two bottom 10 career WAR guys who love chucking from deep; unless Cole puts his foot down and forces them to work together, I can’t see much promise for this squad. And then the focal point of the draft, Richie, wont even be available for the first 6 games! A disappointing showing for sure, but sadly we must give Cole his props for going out of his way to sabotage Curtis’ team with the Richie pick. Speaking of…

5) Curtis’ Team (0.7586 GRIND) 

Congrats AD! Your team is 0.0022 points better than Cole’s. How poetic. He really does love those 2’s. Especially when you take two 2’s and make a 22! Fascinating stuff. On paper, this team is not eye popping in the slightest. Joe and Ben are a little intriguing, as they provide good size and can potentially excel against smaller teams. Boccio in my opinion gets a bad rap. Sure he is not that useful offensively, but he is amongst the top defenders in the league, and shows great hustle and speed in loose ball situations. I really think he will find his way off of the All-Scrub team, as long as he hits some more open layups this session. Lil Josh will have his moments, but will likely be relegated to sitting in the corner on offense, waiting for a catch and shoot opportunity that will never come with Mr. WAP himself leading this team.

4) Jeff’s Team (0.87 GRIND)

Apparently, Jeff May used his draft money sparingly, and as a result this is the team he will be trotting out. He looked a little rusty to start last week’s open run, but quickly settled in and played his trademarked efficient scoring style game. This team will likely rely on the unproven newcomer Bryant, who showed flashes in his two open runs, but will need to show that he can replicate those flashes into a true Grinders setting. Pauly P, Mike Salvati, and Todd Nixon I feel like are essentially the same player – they can, but won’t contribute much offensively, but will bring the defense and hustle that could compliment their scorers well. 

3) Jimmy’s Team (0.97 GRIND)

Reigning MVP Jimmy has showed in recent weeks that he hasn’t lost a step, and is looking to return to the championship scene after appearing with E’s team back in March. He brought back his former captain, who quietly was much improved in the spring session. Who could forget his infamous buzzer beater to force OT against Worm’s team? I expect him to play a large role in this offense. Jimmy took Ford for a questionable amount in the draft, and I must say I’m not fully against it. He has shown he can be a quality scorer, and against some of the smaller teams this session he could be a difference maker. I have zero information on newcomer Matt Kieta. Small Justin I feel will play a nice complimentary role with Jimmy leading the offense, and rumor has it he will be targeting opposing ankles again to give this team the extra push they need.

2) Gersitz’s Team (1.2 GRIND) 

The eye test says this team is going to be super annoying to play against. The perennial first teamer snagged some solid value in the draft, starting off with his guy Al “Crazy” Derrico. His last 3 sessions have ended in a GAPE of 9.0 or higher, including 15 GAPE this previous mini session. He has plenty of experience playing alongside Gersitz, and that chemistry will lead to plenty of scoring opportunities for the two of them. Youngling Peyton has steadily improved each session, earning himself consecutive second-team All Grinders honors. He led the league in assists in the first session of 2023, and with this pass-first offense I can see him being up there once again. Newcomer Garrett I also have zero information on, other than I think he’s a big man – possibly Vaillancourt-esque, which could be exactly what this team needs to fill out the roster. Jon U finally gets to play alongside his son, and is reportedly thrilled to actually be allowed to touch the ball this session. This team is lacking a bit in size – Gersitz, Al, and Peyton have roughly the same build – but they make up for it with their ability to turn games into track meetsby running up and down the court for 40 minutes. Holy team cardio. 

1) Kellen’s Team (1.4 GRIND)

The defending champs are running it back, and to no surprise they come in on top in these power rankings. Kellen built his team with minimal flaws, as they have the size to matchup with anybody in Tall Justin and Josh Lanzot, the scoring and playmaking prowess of Tommy, and the 3 & D combo of Kellen and Zach. Coming off of a first team All Grinder selection (mostly inflated from a 40 GAPE game 1) last session, Zach is looking to follow up with a strong full session. Tommy is reportedly in LeBron mode with the higher ups, so I’m sure he’ll be playing with a chip on his shoulder. I don’t think there is any one team that can fully matchup with these 5, and I will not be surprised if they end up going back-to-back this year. The Grinders faithful eagerly await the 7:30 game tonight, where they look to stomp out Cole’s team similarly to how they did in last sessions championship.

by Kenny Blankenship

Week 7 Review

Yeah its a week late… whatever. You write these if you don’t like it.

Recap:

Old Man Jon had the greatest defensive effort in Grinders history, stealing a late pass from Worm with 2 seconds left, getting mauled by Boccio the Grinder, and tipping the ball to Eric “Big Balls” Boerdner for the game tying 3. OT was a formality.

Curtis took A LOT of shots.

There. Done. Enjoy.

by GAPE Chicken

Week 6

Before we begin the weekly recap, I wanted take a moment to highlight the career, to date, of Grinder Curtis Masich. Curtis, as we all know, hitchhiked his way across Europe from his homeland in Serbia, bartering travel for various “acts”, before stowing away inside a cargo container filled with plastic dicks of various shapes and sizes, completing his arduous journey to the United States of America. Some would say he developed his legendary arm stamina while inside that cargo container, and that’s why he is able to shoot so much… but I am not sure why people would say that. Anyway, upon arrival, he quickly sold enough of his semen to afford an Uber ride all the way to Western New York, where he now plays Monday and Wednesday night basketball at our illustrious EBC. Curtis Masich, whom Grinders HQ named a prestigious award after just this week and also serves as Athletic Director for the club, is undoubtedly one of the most talented players in Grinders. His regular season performances have consistently been top-notch, with remarkable displays of skill and an unwavering commitment to shoot the basketball in complete disregard of his team’s success. But as talented as he is, there is one hurdle that Curtis has struggled to overcome – the playoffs.

It’s a bittersweet irony that a player as gifted as Curtis has never won a Grinder Championship. Year after year, he has given his all in the regular season, often with the steadfast belief he is the only Grinder on his team with talents of any kind, only to see his efforts thwarted in the postseason. For all his heroics during the regular season, the playoffs have been his kryptonite. His struggles in the postseason have become a frustrating trend for his fans and teammates alike.

No one knows for sure what causes Curtis to falter in the playoffs. Maybe it’s the pressure of expectations, or perhaps the heightened intensity of the competition. Whatever the reason, it’s a cruel twist of fate that such an accomplished player has not been able to translate his regular season form into postseason success.

It’s a testament to Curtis’s character that he keeps pushing himself despite his playoff struggles. He knows that his legacy as a player is incomplete without a Grinder Championship, and he’s determined to make it happen. Year after year, he returns to the court with the same fire and drive, eager to prove himself and lead his team to glory.

As we look ahead to the rest of this Grinder season, we can only hope that this is the year Curtis finally breaks through and leads his team to the championship. He deserves it, not just for his talent and hard work but also for his resilience in the face of playoff adversity. It’s not like he’s the kind of guy who would demand a trade the moment he isn’t team captain and has to share shots with Jon Tirado or anything.

Now – on to last week…

  • GAPE Chicken

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by Kenny Blankenship

What is the “Overall” stat?

The math nerd at Grinders HQ likes to play with numbers. He does it for a living and he does it to make fun of fellow grinders. That’s what really drives him. He’s sort of a dick that way.

The “Overall” stat is a measure of a player’s total performance. It factors in all of the positive along with all of the negative stuff a grinder does throughout every game, season, and career.

FAQs:

  • Q: Why? Don’t we have GAPE to do all that?

  • A: Overall is weighted by total contribution and also takes into account a player’s Suck Score. It’s a little different, but similar. You know what? Make up your own stats if you don’t like mine.

  • Q: What’s the formula? How do I calculate it?

  • A: Don’t worry about it.

  • Q: What is the score out of?

  • A: Mathematically, there is no limit. Typically though, scores range from 0-100. Extraordinary efforts may result in a score over 100, or if a player goes 3-3 shooting, and does literally nothing else. Also, terrible efforts may result in a negative Overall Score – and those are really special. I’m hear to celebrate those in particular.

  • Q: What will you use Overall for?

  • A: To humiliate the weak.

by Vic Romano

Week 5

Greetings, fellow basketball players. It is my pleasure to provide you all with humorous summarization of the previous week of organized sporting. Haha just kidding. GAPE Chicken couldn’t make it into work today. I for one am glad – I despise that A.I. scumbag. The world was perfectly fine until these fancy computer programs started popping up, impersonating real people with near-perfect accuracy. I hate it so much. I’m already enough of a lazy, procrastinating loser, and this “GAPE Chicken” only further enables my embarrassing lack of motivation. Hashtag down with the Chicken!!! 

  • Vic Romano

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by GAPE Chicken

Week 4

The three games from last week are the epitome of mediocre basketball, showcasing teams that clearly missed the memo that basketball is a sport requiring both athleticism and skill. With air balls flying and 3PMs (three-point shots) barely passing the rim… I am surprised these degenerates don’t drink more. Brace yourselves, folks, it’s going to be a long and painful session watching these games.

  • By Gape Chicken

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by Captain Tenneal

Week 3

  • By Captain Tenneal & Gape Chicken

Week 3 has come and gone. There were three games played, only one showed any promise of a watchable Grinders season. Is this a season where we should just forward to the title game? Maybe you should have to take a test to be a Grinders captain? Oh well…..

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by Vic Romano

Week 2

I’m pleased to see that the majority of the Grinders learned their lesson from Week 1 – it was sooooo boring watching three straight uncompetitive blowouts. Last week, we only had one of those! Maybe tomorrow we can drop that number down to zero! Wait, what’s that? The Ice Climbers play Kellen and The Jets at 6:30? Well, maybe just one blowout isn’t that bad … what is bad is that I made an Ice Climbersreference, because it doesn’t really work. I remember in Super Smash Bros on the GameCube they were super overpowered if you knew how to use them. So really that is the worst nickname for the lowly Eskimo Brothers. “Smash Bros Wii U” might be a more fitting moniker. To the one person who knows what I’m even talking about right now, I’m very sorry. Let’s just recap. – Vic

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Note – blame Kenny for failing to establish a deadline for this late post…

by Captain Tenneal

Week 1

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Overtime:

It was great to see more Grinders stay and have a pint. Grab a beer or mixer or house wine (Witt) and come on back in the gym. Heckle. Do stats. If you’re new, introduce yourselves to folks. 

Things that are fair game for trash talking/heckling:

  • Cole is fat. 

  • Richie’s gambling addiction, and his sister

  • Curt’s shot selection. 

  • Witt’s knee vagina. 

  • Chuck’s tits. 

  • Anything height related with Helmet, Lil Josh, Tirado, Nixon, Worm, KO (Furby look-alike). 

  • AARP members Pauly P, Ford, Jon U, and Jeff May. 

  • Corey missing the rim…….repeatedly.