Here at Grinders HQ, we held a majority vote on whether or not there would be a championship night recap. The majority voted “no way, the last thing we need is to inflate the Dadbods’ ego any more!” And yet, on this merry Christmas Eve, that is exactly what is going to happen. The weather outside may be frightful, butmaking fun of Richie will be oh-so delightful.

BOHICA vs. Dadbods – 63-36

​BOHICA came into this game with confidence – after handing the Dadbodstheir only defeat way back in week 1, they had the entirety of the Grinders Association in their corner rooting for an upset. And based on last week’s performance against Gimme a Minute, this matchup was shaping up to be an all-timer. Well, in that respect, it certainly was. BOHICA shot an impressive 0/16 to start the game, and it took over 12 minutes into the first half until finally, mercifully, Lil Josh ended the drought with a half-assed mid range jumper. Captain Richie shot just over 20% and was checked out well before halftime, resulting in a season-worst -6 GAPE. Jimmy Zeitz was equally ineffective, contributing 8 points on 4/15 shooting. “Big” Josh Lanzot was the lone “bright” spot, as he turned in an acceptable 14 points and a team-leading 10 GAPE. At the time of this writing, the “feels like” temperature outside is -5°, roughy 20 degrees warmer than Richie’s team was in this game.

After enjoying a bye last week, the Dadbods clearly didn’t skip a beat. Jon Witt turned in the easiest 44 GAPE performance we’ve ever seen, and Cole wasn’t too far behind with 30 himself. They both shot over 60%, a true testament to the ineptitude of BOHICA. KO shot nearly 50% and drained a couple of threes. Zach played good defense. As a team, Dadbods outGAPEd BOHICA 86-20, the second-highest disparity this session. That sounds good, I guess.

Laundromats vs. What’s a Pass? – 48-42

What’s this? The first competitive game in two weeks? Realistically, the Laundromats did everything they needed to do to win this game. As a team, they had a better shooting percentage, won the rebound battle, and forced more turnovers. Despite just 10 points from “MVP” Mike Gersitz, he still posted a 20 GAPE. Al “Crazy” Derrico had a poor shooting night but still managed 12 points. Worm almost had an equal shooting and airball percentage. “Suck Bucket” Cory was the real story of the game, tying his career high 19 GAPE on 80% shooting and 10 rebounds. It was really great watching him do the “too small” gesture to Curt after every made shot, despite mostly being guarded by a child 1/3 of his size.

Speaking of Curt, What’s a Pass? gets destroyed if not for him. He put the “Playoff Curt” talks to rest (that title now belongs to Richie) with 31 points with an EFG% of 51%. Matt Vaillancourt pitched in 10 points and contributed in every other stat category. As for Tirado, Boerdner and Peyton? They ran around, combined for 3/20 shooting, and sprinkled in some assists and turnovers. Talk about getting carried to the championship…

What’s a Pass? Vs. Dadbods – 45-43

​This game was the true epitome of what Grinders is all about – more fouls than the stat keepers can count, constant trash talk, and essentially a disgrace to the game of basketball. I’m confident that both teams would have been in the quintuple bonus after 5 minutes of play. I mean seriously, there were two different instances where fouls were called (justifiably so) like 10 times in a single possession. Just terrible to watch. Curt and Matt must have had sore backs from carrying the team in the previous game, as their performances significantly declined. Curt started to heat up for a few minutes towards the end, bringing the team within 2, but it was an ill-advised triple-covered three point attempt with plenty of time on the clock that sank his squad’s chances. You can only hero ball for so long. Matt turned in a 10 GAPE, and when he wasn’t hacking the life out of Cole he was sending his teammates to the hospital by refusing to call out screens. Perhaps it was all part of the plan – after being on the receiving end of a screen from hell, the youngling Peyton showed as much emotion as he had all season and ripped off a couple of buckets. He scored the second most points for WaP? with 8, but was once again phased out of the game plan after a couple of missed threes. “HOF” Boerdner logged more expletives than points, and Tirado picked up where he left off from last game, contributing very, very little. 

For the Dadbods, they rode the hot hand of Witt, who seemingly scored at will against whomever was guarding him. He also executed a flawless defensive gameplan against Peyton, daring him to shoot and then turning into a prime Ray Lewis whenever he decided to drive. Cole dug his way into the heads of Matt and E, cementing his spot as one of the league’s top instigators. Kellen Korver made it rain from three, and Zach once again played good defense. There isn’t much more to report on, this was a signature Dadbods performance, and it resulted in another championship for the second consecutive session. At the end of the day, the better and more-disliked team came out on top, and the Grinders faithful are thankful that they will not be running it back a third time.

Congrats to the Dadbods once again, and Playoff MVP Jonathan Vilma Witt. We at Grinders HQ would like to wish everyone a Happy Holidays. We also hope that nobody’s PTSD kicks in from being locked indoors and unable to travel again. Take advantage of this time to rest up, and please, when we resume next session, be better and don’t let the league villains win again.

Remember when this league was cool and we had game reviews every week? I ‘member. The last one was a month and a half ago. Let’s be better from now on, shall we?

Dadbods vs. What’s a Pass?

Perhaps the most exciting game of the session – oh, my apologies. It would appear that neither of these teams played last week. Jumped the gun a bit there.

BOHICA vs. Gimme a Minute: 65-35

Despite Gimme a Minute only trailing by 8 points at the half, this game was never really close. Tall Justin’s game plan of “everybody shoot the ball poorly” was executed to perfection, as the Big 3 of Justin, Jeff May and Lil Cuz all shot under .304 from the field. It’s also quite apparent that some strings were pulled in the stat department, as not a single air ball was recorded? What’s that all about? I’m pretty sure there were at least 5, with 4 of them coming from Lil Cuz. Sorry, we don’t sugarcoat things around here. Helmet and Little Josh turned in signature performances combining for a GAPE of 1. Tall Justin looked flummoxed in the paint as he was locked down by Josh Lanzot. Lil Cuz tried to provide a spark by committing assault on Richie at least three different times. Jeff “I’m too old for this shit” May came out of the gate guns blazing, starting off 0/6 shooting. He did led the team in scoring though with 15 points, and he also recorded … 11 blocks? Somehow I find that highly unlikely.

On the other hand, BOHICA actually looked like a team with a pulse out there. The aforementioned Josh Lanzot dominated down low with 14 rebounds and held Tall Justin to his worst game of the session. He also dished out 8 assists and tied teammate Jimmy Zeitz for a game-high 25 GAPE. Speaking of, Zeitz took advantage of some low-effort defense and dropped 28 points on 60% shooting. That seems good. Richie started the game slow, but really turned it on after getting angry for no apparent reason, splashing 5 from deep. Nixon showed great hustle and logged 4 steals. These guys were just locked in, and they will have the rest of the Grinders in their corner this week when they take on the Dadbods. Let’s hope they can recreate their Week 1 upset…

Laundromats vs. Chuckets: 63-48

To the surprise of absolutely no one, this session’s Gaping Grinder Mike Gersitz gaped and grinded all over the Chuckets. Rival captain Tommy watched in awe as MVG nailed open look after open look, logging 30 points on 60% shooting and a massive GAPE of 37. Al “Still Overpaid” Derrico was written off early in the session, but in the wise words of Geno Smith “he ain’t write back though.” Al contributed 20 points on over 50% shooting and filled up the box score with two steals and a block. Cory “Suck Bucket” Muldowney showed off his prowess as a point forward, recording 15 rebounds and 7 assists. I think the Suck Score is a bit harsh – sure, Cory can’t score for shit, but hot damn can he facilitate an offense. He also knows how to appeal to the audience – his frequent pull-up airballs always get the Grinders on their feet. Gersitz and gang looked dangerous, and they look to strike while the iron is hot in Round 2 against What’s a Pass? Will Gersitz continue to dominate against a slightly more formidable opponent? How long will it take before Cory turns into prime Goldberg and spears his “friend” Curt and stares down at the body he has just broken in half? Can “Crazy” Al take “ROTY” Peyton to school once more? My answer to all of the above is “yeah, probably.”

Sadly, we must also discuss the Chuckets, who also played in this game. Captain Tommy Hughes somehow managed 18 points, but also sank his squad with 5 turnovers, including one that was rifled off of the dome of his own teammate, Chuck, forcing him out of the game. With their top shooter down, big man Mike Ford filled in nicely by shooting 2/14 from the field. Doyle turned in a pretty standard Doyle game with an efficient 10 points. To be honest though, we’re really just glad that Chuck is okay. That was some pretty scary shit. Okay enough being nice. Not a soul is surprised this team lost. They had the worst record for a reason.

Overall these games were both pretty stinky. Hopefully we got all of the blowouts out of the way because that shit was borrrriinggg. As a wise man once said, “GET BETTER YOU PEOPLE!”