Category: Blog

by Kenny Blankenship

Week 5/6 Review…

Editor’s note:

I am troubled by the increasingly disturbing trend of Grinders stripping down to their underwear… in full view of other unsuspecting grinders. It started early on in Session 1, in what I assumed at the time was a one-off, when Christopher “Tell Me How My Ass Tastes” Cole bared said ass from the upper deck, much to his own delight and the gym’s horror. Things only have devolved. A few weeks ago, I was minding my IPA at the scorer table when I saw a gleaming white light coming from the hallway. Concerned it was a some sort of ghost – I concentrated my sight just long enough to see Mark “check me out” Doyle, in the doorway, in nothing but boxers. Why? Nobody knows, but there he was. Still – it got worse last week. After all grinds were over, I was dismayed as I picked up the stats… and saw Fucking Helmet standing in the middle of the gym, with only socks and boxers on. It made me long for the day of that in-shape Doyle sighting. I’m scarred. All of us who saw are scarred. And by the way – there’s a fucking changing room upstairs, you degenerate knobs. Anyway – here’s our beat writers weekly effort:

Dear Grinders,       I have to apologize for a lack of a week 5 review. Truth be told, Nashville kicked my ass. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen the depths of a hangover quite like a 4-day bender that never stopped. At certain points I didn’t remember my own name let alone who did what in which game.
Week 6 review……. starting to feel better……finally……..

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by Kenny Blankenship

Week 4 review…

People don’t feel like showing up and doing stuff……. neither do I. Here’s your week in review:

6:30 gameTeam Witt 60 – Team E 44

7:30 gameTeam KO 54 – Team Ford 46

8:30 gameTeam Witt 50 – Team KO 30

Piss off league.

by Kenny Blankenship

Week 2 Review…

Great news Grinders! I’m back from a mostly successful emergency penis surgery – and am pumped to share my zany wit with you, my fellow Grinders. Let’s goooooooooo!!!!!!!

Two of the games this week were snoozers, blowouts, boat races if you will. One of the games was much more competitive, even if the quality of the offenses wasn’t quite up to snuff. Without further ado…….

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by Kenny Blankenship

Week 1 Review

Wait, we are tracking air balls now? OH YEAH! Okay, maybe just as an experimental stat this session. I think everyone got the hang of it, but I won’t embarrass anyone (or everyone) until I am not shooting 50% airballs. So maybe never. I don’t know – there were plenty to go around this week. Since our regular beat writer had emergency penis surgery this week, you get these reviews from the alternate writer… enjoy.

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by Kenny Blankenship

GAPE, Explained…

What is GAPE? Besides that thing Ford obsesses over and tries to get the league stat keeper to fudge for him post game at the bar…. It’s the Grinder’s version of Efficiency. The concept is straightforward – add all the positive things, subtract all the negative things.

(Points + Shots Made + Assists + Rebounds + Steals + Blocks – Turnovers – Shots attempted-airballs)/Games Played

So what does your GAPE mean?

GAPE What it Means
0-7.5 Interchangeable bench guys
7.5 – 10 League Median GAPE was 9.9. So basically the average Grinder.
10-15 Guys who can have great games in the right situation.
15-20 2nd Tier guys
20+ These are the league studs

What about Expected GAPE, GAPE Differential, and % Team GAPE?

Stat Explanation
Expected GAPE This stat calculates what GAPE a player should be expected to achieve, based on the $ spent on him. Captains are assigned a base salary.
GAPE Differential The difference between GAPE and Expected GAPE. A positive number means a Grinder is overachieving. A negative number means their captain overpaid.
% Team GAPE The percentage of total team GAPE a Grinder has contributed. 20% for 5 players on a team would be a perfect balance. Anything above or below may indicate a player’s importance, dominance, or lack thereof.

by Guy LeDouche

Grinder Rules…

Rules:
The championship team of the previous session has the ability to stay together if they choose.

Overtime
One Time Out in OT
OT is 5 minutes, 3 minutes, Tie in the regular season
OT in playoffs is always 5 minutes

Possession arrow determines who gets the ball at the beginning of the second half

Tie Breaker:

  1. Head to Head Record
  2. Overall Point Differential
  3. Head to Head Point Differential
  4. GAPE Chicken decides

Other Stuff:

If there is a clear path to the basket and the foul is deemed cheap and unnecessary (on a fast break for example) the play will result in the bucket and ball.

Over and back will be called

Only top 5 make the playoffs

Under a minute in second half you can foul. Has to be the ball handler. And the team that gets fouled can pick who they want to foul. You get two shots. No matter the outcome the ball goes to the other team

Forfeits: Any games that are decided by forfeit will result in a final score of 58-47.

Guy LeDouche

by Kenny Blankenship

Playoff Preview, League Awards

First, the league would like to do its first awards ceremony and league banquet following the finals next week, 6/16. Reserve your spot now. Normally I’d review last week’s games but everyone would know how that would go…… Curt sucks. Grey is fragile. Ford’s master plan works yet again. Bla bla bla. Same ol’ ‘ish. IT’S PLAYOFF TIME BABY!!! LFG!!!!

2021 Playoff Season 2 Preview

Team Mike 4/1
Team Curt 5.5/1
The Dark Side 12/1
Grey’s Anatomy 15/1
Blue Balls LOL
Grinders Championship Odds

Team Mike has well…..Mike Malicki, THE REIGNING, DEFENDING, HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION of the WORLD. We all remember the performance in last session’s finals. Good luck knocking out Ali. He also has a nice supporting cast with Wayne, Richie, Josh Lanzot, and Jon. The betting favorite.
Why? They have the human cheat code. Why not? The human cheat code gets scrambled and Richie goes into jack-mode trying to save them.

Team Curt is the number 1 overall seed. They have the best player rated by GAPE (second isn’t even close) in Mike G. Curt isn’t a bad Robin to Mike’s Batman. They also have league vets Kellen and E. Kellen is one of the best on ball defenders in the league and E continues to add to his Grinders scoring legacy. I didn’t forget about Helmet but his team usually “forgets” to play him. Team Curt also draws the winner of Dark Side and Team Timmy in a back to back scenario. Nothing like picking a fight after your opponent is already beat up. Advantage Team Curt.
Why? Maybe the best 1-2 combo in the league. Why not? Curt and Kellen can build their own f’n skyscraper with the brick they jack up.

The Dark Side is streaking these days and it’s not naked Cole in the rafters. They’ve won 2 in a row. Justin looks like he could be rounding into form. Eric has been playing lock-down D on most people’s guards and the trio of Vaillancourt, AK47, and Cole have been playing bully-ball with their smaller, less trips to the buffet opponents. They could pull off a miracle but it’s going to be tough. They’d have to first beat the all-stars of Team Timmy and then turn around and knock off the 1-seed…..all just to make it to next week and a date with Team Mike. Ouch.
Why? Biggest team in the league. Tough to score on. Why not? Their best players don’t always step up when the time comes

Team Timmy is an interesting bet. They have more athletic and basketball talent than any other team in the league and yet they fell to the 5-seed. Is it cause they’re soft? Is it cause they’re too small? I’m not sure of the answer but something is not quite right. Coaching? Game plan? I don’t love their draw against a much bigger Dark Side team so I’m not sure they’ll make it out of the first round but if they do……………..
Why? Can score with anyone. Crazy talent Why not? See The Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz.

Blue Balls. We here at HQ haven’t figured out how the hell this team has been winning, but they have…..somehow. That all stops tonight. No Grant, no f’n prayer. I know one person “doesn’t make a team” but in this case, it does. This team without Grant is like the Timberwolves without KAT. Tune in to see if Ford “tries” this time. Maybe Jon will set a Grinders record for 3’s made tonight. Maybe Nixon will make shots that actually help his team instead of costing them the game. Maybe Doyle will have one of those “Doyle is on” games. I’m not betting on those things to happen. 50/1 is generous. SEASON OVER.
Why???????? Why not? No Grant. Nuf said.

GRINDERS AWARDS:
Grinding Gaper: Mike G.
Grind-less Gaper: Kellen Owen

Grinders League Leaders:

GAPE: Mike G.

Points: Mike Malicki

Rebounds: Mike G.

Assists: Chris Cole

Steals: Mike G.

Blocks: Jon Witt

3pters: Jon Tirado

All Grinders Team:

C: Grant Decz

F: Mike G.

F/G: Mike Malicki

F/G: Chris Cole